strippers and bachelor parties

redoryx

My SO is going to a bachelor party next weekend and he mentions to me that there are going to be strippers there. I don't really care and tell him that. I mean, I'm a woman and I've been to strip clubs. It's so not a big deal to me but I know other women are bothered by it and, in fact, apparently one of his friend's wife or girlfriend or fiancee or whatever FREAKED THE FUCK OUT when her guy told her there were going to be strippers at this bachelor party. It turned into some huge big fight and all of his friends are asking my SO "Are you going to tell RedOryx??" and I think he was caught off guard by their question because it hadn't really occurred to him that it would ever be an issue for me because he knows me and knows that's not a hill I care about, let alone a hill I want to die on. 

Anyway, maybe it's because I'm so this is NBD, but I'm always curious about where other women fall on the spectrum. Specifically those who are very much against strippers. If it's a trust thing, well, it seems to be that if you're sincerely worried your guy is going to cheat on you with a stripper you have far bigger issues going on. Plus, I've been cheated on by an ex. The woman wasn't a stripper. If a guy is going to cheat on you, he's going to cheat on you regardless of her profession. Women being worried about stripper/bachelor parties is a red herring as far as I'm concerned.

If it's the naked women thing, well, look. I don't care what he tells you to the contrary, there's a 99% chance he's looking at porn on a regular basis. 

So, TK. What's your opinion/feelings/etc. on the issue of your guy (or gal) seeing a naked lady who is not you. 

WinstonsGirl

I don't care if DH goes to the strippers, personally, though I'm not as comfortable with lap dances and private rooms.  I know he's not allowed to touch, but there's something about being that close to another naked chick for sexual reasons, even if he's not doing anything/feeling anything.  It's just not necessary to me I guess.  I also fully trust DH, so him being there for a stag is no big deal for me

bethsmiles

I give zero fucks if SO wants to go to strip club. I know he's not going to cheat on me and I don't really care if he looks at naked women. 

falsara

I also don't care. FI said the guys were planning on going to Vegas. I said ok and asked how much money I might need to put into singles for his strip club escapades.

hellohkb

@WinstonsGirl said:

I don't care if DH goes to the strippers, personally, though I'm not as comfortable with lap dances and private rooms.  I know he's not allowed to touch, but there's something about being that close to another naked chick for sexual reasons, even if he's not doing anything/feeling anything.  It's just not necessary to me I guess.  I also fully trust DH, so him being there for a stag is no big deal for me

I agree with this. I have absolutely no issue with him going to a strip club (especially if he tells me about it first and doesn't secretly by himself) but the idea of a lap dance in a private room does make me a little uneasy. I'm not sure why.

That doesn't mean I'd stop him from going or even getting a lapdance. I would not freak out over it, personally.

lc07

I wouldn't care if it was for something like a bachelor party. (I have no SO, FTR) but if my imaginary SO were going to the strip club every weekend just for something to do, that isn't a fit for me in a relationship. 

paperpusher

I don't like it. I 100% trust H, but I just don't like it. However, I wouldn't put my foot down if it was some sort of bachelor party for a friend

Weesh

I was in a similar situation as you OP-I don't particularly care one way or the other.  I think that if my significant other was going to cheat on me, it would probably happen without a stripper.  Going every weekend is a different story, but if you want to pay to see nakedness that you see at home, go for it.  

My ex went to a bachelor party a few years ago that involved a day trip to go fishing, and a party afterwards where strippers would be coming to the house.  My ex told me about the plans, and while I wasn't thrilled about them coming to the house, I had a feeling it was going to be a disaster because several of the wives and girlfriends weren't even told about this part of the party.  The fiance of the bachelor was having her bachelorette party on the same night, and as it turns out, one of the girls let it slip during their limo ride home.  Most of the women in the limo had significant others who were at the bachelor party and they showed up.  It turned into a big scene with couples fighting and the strippers even ended up fighting with each other.  It caused problems for a really long time for many of the couples because several of the women were furious.  I think I'd be more angry that he lied about it versus seeing some T & A.

flutteringinfl

We live near a street with a bunch of strip clubs, and FI always jokes about going ("If you need me, I'll be at Lookers!") but as far as I know he's never been. The answer @lc07 gave makes sense to me. If FI wanted to go to one for a bachelor party, even his bachelor party, that would be fine, but I don't know that I'd want to be with someone who goes there on the reg. That just doesn't seem like a personality trait that would match with mine.

chibiyui

Don't care. It doesn't bother me. 

MollyandD

I wouldn't care. My husband and I go to burlesque shows together. I don't see any problem with appreciating the beauty of a body. The women are all different sizes and ages, and their bodies are all like works of art in a way.

I agree that the lap dance part would bother me, but it's not something I've ever worried about with my husband. 

I do disagree with your assumption that everyone watches porn. Though to be fair, you did say 99% and not 100%. I do not like porn at all, and neither does my husband. You can think we are lying, and I can't control what you think. If that is how someone chooses to spend his or her time, that's fine. It's not hurting anyone. It's just too awkward for me. 

amelisha

I don't care about strippers (or porn, if we're going there.) FI's been to strip clubs occasionally (as have I, for that matter) and I just don't see it as a big deal. He loves me and he's emotionally committed to me and we have chosen physical monogamy too, but watching some boobies doesn't affect that in my mind. It's just entertainment to me. I know some women do feel differently and I'm not going to say they're wrong, but for me it's a complete non-issue.

ohmrs2014

Doesn't bother me, but I agree with some of the PP that private rooms and lap dances do make me uneasy.  I will say this though, I would much rather know about it ahead of time than find out later.  

DH's bachelor party, they ended up at one.  They had reservations had a steakhouse in NYC because thats what DH wanted.  Well there was some mix-up with the reservation and since the steakhouse knew it was a bachelor party, they called around and were able to get the guys comp drinks at a strip club.  DH said it totally wasn't worth it LOL, the girls weren't "lookers"  LOL.  But they got free drinks out of it.  He texted me as soon as they knew they were going because he knew how I felt about wanting to know ahead of time versus it being a surprise.

theartistformerlyknownas

I also wouldn't care if he went, especially as part of a party. Same as PPs, if it was an all the time hobby, I might want to have a conversation about it. Lap/private dances, ehh no thank you please.

H doesn't care for strip clubs (or porn) though so it's a non-issue.

ashley8918

I give zero fucks at all. In fact, I sent the BM with money for H's lap dance (in a private room, potentially?) at his own b-party. I also actively encourage him to dance with other women at dance clubs lol. He is a dancer and I am decidedly NOT.

mikenberger

I don't really care either way. If it was a regular thing like every week, I may have more of an issue with it(because hello? Those places are expensive.) But for a special occasion, no worries.

I wouldn't be comfortable with a private lap dance though. I've had one and watched one and they go a lot farther than I would be happy with. But I trust FI to not let it go too far. And I don't think he would ever lie to me about going to what he did.

julieanne912

Another do not carer here.  Like with porn, doesn't bother me unless it started to affect our relationship (ie he'd rather sit in his office and watch porn than come hang out with me, or he was going to strip clubs often just for "fun".)  I would feel that way about anything that took away from our relationship though, not just naked ladies.  

LabLove86

Couldn't actually care less about it. I know who he comes home to. And I trust 100% that he won't cheat on me in anyway. 

There is a strip club around here that is also a pretty decent steakhouse. I told him I think he should do that for his bachelor party as steak and boobies are 2 of his favorite things. 

His best man's wife is one of those FREAK OUT, NO WAY EVER type of wives (honestly - I just personally don't understand that mentality) - so I told him he may have to just go to THE steakhouse with my cousin some other night so the best man doesn't cause trouble/lie to his wife about what they are doing. 

lurkergirl

I'm in the "don't care" camp.  I would have a problem with my FI constantly going out without me to any type of bar or ever feeling the need to lie about where he was going. 

I can think of one time in our 7 years together that he went to a strip club.  There was no secrecy or asking permission; he just randomly went out with coworkers one day.  Maybe if he had a stronger interest in it, I would have a stronger opinion about it.

bride2b71614

I am fine with porn (it shows me what he likes, its harmless, and it doesn't interfere with our sex life), and strip clubs. 

As far as I know, my FI only goes to the strip club if its a business meeting, a bachelor party, or an outing involving a group of friends. At the end of the day, I know that my FI loves me and is committed to me on an emotional and physical level, so a strip club, naked boobies and a lap dance won't have any effect on our relationship. 

redoryx

Molly&Domenic said:

I wouldn't care. My husband and I go to burlesque shows together. I don't see any problem with appreciating the beauty of a body. The women are all different sizes and ages, and their bodies are all like works of art in a way.

I agree that the lap dance part would bother me, but it's not something I've ever worried about with my husband. 

I do disagree with your assumption that everyone watches porn. Though to be fair, you did say 99% and not 100%. I do not like porn at all, and neither does my husband. You can think we are lying, and I can't control what you think. If that is how someone chooses to spend his or her time, that's fine. It's not hurting anyone. It's just too awkward for me. 

Let me clarify the porn statement: I know there are plenty of people without interest in porn, that's not what I meant. My statement was more about when someone watches porn but their SO is very much anti-porn and basically forbids them to watch it. He (or she) may tell you that, sure, yes, I'll stop watching porn but chances are they are still watching it.

chibiyui

bride2b71614 said:

I am fine with porn (it shows me what he likes, its harmless, and it doesn't interfere with our sex life), and strip clubs. 

As far as I know, my FI only goes to the strip club if its a business meeting, a bachelor party, or an outing involving a group of friends. At the end of the day, I know that my FI loves me and is committed to me on an emotional and physical level, so a strip club, naked boobies and a lap dance won't have any effect on our relationship. 

I admit I am shocked that people actually do business meetings at strip clubs. I mean, people who aren't pimps and or crack dealers.

lyndausvi

This is very personal.  

As long as he doesn't touch I don't care.  I've been to strip joints myself.    

A long time ago we went to a floating bar in the BVI's.   There are always topless women there.   This one girl just got new boobs.  She was so proud of them.  She came up to me and a friend and said "is it okay if I show your husbands my new boobs?".   I was like "sure go for it.  But mine are larger and real, so I don't think he will be impressed.  Have had it if you wish".   She did, he didn't feel them but wasn't impressed with the look either.

We both lived in the islands.  We saw a lot of half-naked and sometimes fully-naked people on the beach.  Heck I wore a bikini top at work.  It just isn't sometimes we had issues over.

sarahufl

I don't care that much. That said, I think H has been to MAYBE 1 strip club in the 4.5 years we have been together. If he wanted to go all the time, I may change my tune.

themosthappy91

Welp just for the sake of a fair sample I guess I'm going to have to come in here and be that bitch that actually would not really be okay with her husband going to a strip club.  As I've been reading this thread I've been trying to think of how to articulate exactly why I feel that way, so bare with me for a sec...

Okay so I guess it all starts with the issue of porn, which I am decidedly more uncomfortable with than a strip club for a very specific reason.  I have seen a number of documentaries, exposes, news stories etc about the truly horrific abuses of women (mostly) that occur in that industry and to be honest after so much of that I have never been able to shake feeling very bothered by it.  Obviously some porn is a completely consensual, positive experience for the people involved, but the problem is I'll never really know if that's the case with any specific video.  So like, if there were hypothetically a really above-board, publicly transparent pornography production company that I could trust was generating a product that was not coercive or abusive, I could totally get on board with enjoying that because I personally do love the beauty of the naked human body and sex.  But such a thing to my knowledge doesn't exist.

So strip clubs are basically the same deal but on a smaller scale.  I love the art of the dancing, the embrace of sexuality, all that junk- I just hate to think any of those girls are potentially being put into a situation that is ultimately hurtful, degrading, or manipulative of them.  Wondering about strippers as actual people kind of takes me out of the moment and I'm unable to enjoy it.

That being said, I know my husband feels probably more uncomfortable than I do one these counts and therefore has no interest.  If he did, it's not a hill I'd die on but I would try to dissuade him from going to some degree.

And just to clarify- I DEFINITELY do not think there is anything intrinsically bad or degrading about stripping or appearing in porn, and I know of many women who thoroughly enjoy being employed in those fields.  Just saying that there's a good deal of potential for abuse to occur. 

climbingsingle

I have no problem with my H going to strip clubs or watching porn.

sophhabobopha

I really DGAF. I would tease him about spending money on it instead of watching free porn like the rest of us.

Cookie Pusher

themosthappy91 said:

So strip clubs are basically the same deal but on a smaller scale.  I love the art of the dancing, the embrace of sexuality, all that junk- I just hate to think any of those girls are potentially being put into a situation that is ultimately hurtful, degrading, or manipulative of them.  Wondering about strippers as actual people kind of takes me out of the moment and I'm unable to enjoy it.

That being said, I know my husband feels probably more uncomfortable than I do one these counts and therefore has no interest.  If he did, it's not a hill I'd die on but I would try to dissuade him from going to some degree.

And just to clarify- I DEFINITELY do not think there is anything intrinsically bad or degrading about stripping or appearing in porn, and I know of many women who thoroughly enjoy being employed in those fields.  Just saying that there's a good deal of potential for abuse to occur. 

There is also the potential for abuses to occur in many other occupations. Do you vet all of the manufacturers from whom you purchase products? Sweat shops exist not just abroad in places like China and Pakistan, but also in many places in the US. Many of the employees at such factories are here illegally - sometimes they or their families pay tens of thousands of dollars for transport here - and they are slaves to the owners to "pay off" their debt.

Why is it that the sex industry is the only one where people are so seriously concerned about the workers? Don't you worry about the illegal immigrant who is picking and packing your produce? The one sewing your super cute new yoga outfit? How about housekeepers and nannies?

I'm in the camp of Couldn't Care Less. So long as it doesn't interfere with our personal time and he doesn't blow our budget, anyway. But see, those aren't just stripclub issues. Replace clubbing with fishing and I'd feel the same way.

wandajune6

I couldn't care less. I trust DH. I also know that he thinks they're a waste of money (he likes boobs and has access to them at home). My stripper friends have always made it clear that they don't waste time on guys who hates dropping cash on entertainment.

I don't love the idea of a private room or lap dance either but I also know that it's not his style. DH disappointed his friends (and pissed off his brother) by not wanting to go to a strip club for his bachelor party. I married the guy who chose the car museum and fancy pizza instead.

katiekessler123

They don't bother me, but my husband has only been to a strip club three times and they were all for bachelor parties.  I might feel differently if he was going every weekend.

[Deleted User]

.