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How do you ask your guests to dress modest???

butterflybre21butterflybre21 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Our dress is formal but I would like to ask people to also dress modest. We are very Christian and I dress modestly. There are a few certain people that I'm concerned about and I would like to address the issue respectfully and to everyone on the invites.
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Re: How do you ask your guests to dress modest???

  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2013
    Unless there is a protocol at the church, you can not mention anything about formal or modest dress. It would be very rude. Just trust that your friends and family are adults and know how to dress appropriately for a wedding- and I do mean appropriately, not to your specifications. Guests know how to dress based on the time of day and location. The only time it is appropriate to mention dress is when the wedding is black tie or white tie, and even then, one doesn't get into specifics.

    If there is a dress code at your church, feel free to include this information on a separate insert in your invitation, or even better, have a wedding site (free on theknot.com) and include this type of information there, along with reception info, directions, etc. You can leave your website address on a separate insert in your invitation.
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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    blueobsidian said:
    You can't tell adults how to dress.  The only reasons you should be addressing what they wear are if you are having a truly black tie wedding or if your venue has dress code restrictions.
    What she said.
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  • AbbyjensenAbbyjensen member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited August 2013
    If the church has standards for what is acceptable inside the sanctuary you can inform guests of it, but you can't force them to comply (but I suppose a priest/pastor could), nor can you dictate what they wear to the reception.

    I would ask your church to write something describing the dress code, and include it as an insert in the invitation. It could say something like, "So and So church requests that all guests respect their guidelines for modest dress while in the church sanctuary....list guidelines."
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    butterflybre21 said:
    Our dress is formal but I would like to ask people to also dress modest. We are very Christian and I dress modestly. There are a few certain people that I'm concerned about and I would like to address the issue respectfully and to everyone on the invites.
    Does your church have dress requirements for your guests?   If they don't, you can't tell your guests what to wear.

    Most guests understand that attire in a church needs to be respectful of that holy space however those that won't get it won't understand a note saying, "Dress modestly please."   Those that DO know better will find a note requesting specific attire to be ridiculously sanctimonious.   
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    butterflybre21 said:
    Our dress is formal but I would like to ask people to also dress modest. We are very Christian and I dress modestly. There are a few certain people that I'm concerned about and I would like to address the issue respectfully and to everyone on the invites.
    lol people who aren't Christian dress like.... what then?

    You don't get to change other people's outfits just because it's your wedding.
    If your ceremony is in a church, hopefully these people will dress respectively. If they don't, it's really not a big deal. It'll only reflect on them and not on you.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    You don't. What people wear reflects on them, not you. I imagine you would be offended to be told to wear something "festive and flattering- ladies bring on the cleavage!!"
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    STARMOON44 said:
    You don't. What people wear reflects on them, not you. I imagine you would be offended to be told to wear something "festive and flattering- ladies bring on the cleavage!!"
    I was thinking the same thing.
    That's weird right? Like, she wants to tell people to dress modestly because of her own tastes, but how would she feel if she was told to dress differently?
    OP, that's a good question. Would you be okay with it if the table was turned?
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  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Unless there are specific dress codes in your church, you cannot tell your guests to dress any which way.

    When I say specific restrictions, I mean that, as a Jew, if I were getting married in synagogue, I would need to let my female guests know that they needed to wear knee-length or longer skirts, and that they wouldn't be able to wear a sleeveless top. I would need to let male guests know that they would need to wear a kippah, and where they could get one in the synagogue. I would also emphasize that these restrictions only applied to being in synagogue, and not being at the reception.

    So, I wouldn't tell women, "Dress modestly," or men, "Cover you heads." And I wouldn't exaggerate the restrictions or suggest they were required outside of the religious building.
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  • butterflybre21butterflybre21 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Wow I am surprised by how rude some of you are. I didn't mean to offend anyone. That is why I posted on here before doing or saying anything to my guests. I was looking forward to having some advice. Not to be torn down by other women. There is one person who is not a friend or family but has to come and she flirts with my fiancé right in front of me and wears really inappropriate clothing. ( She does this right in front of her fiancé) so I was thinking I could address this without creating drama by saying something to everyone on the invites. I will not have some girl ruin my day because I was afraid to address how I want people to dress on my day. When you attend someone else's special day you should be respectful of their requests. Not nit pick at their invites and dress code.
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  • cruffinocruffino member
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    butterflybre21 said:
    Wow I am surprised by how rude some of you are. I didn't mean to offend anyone. That is why I posted on here before doing or saying anything to my guests. I was looking forward to having some advice. Not to be torn down by other women. There is one person who is not a friend or family but has to come and she flirts with my fiancé right in front of me and wears really inappropriate clothing. ( She does this right in front of her fiancé) so I was thinking I could address this without creating drama by saying something to everyone on the invites. I will not have some girl ruin my day because I was afraid to address how I want people to dress on my day. When you attend someone else's special day you should be respectful of their requests. Not nit pick at their invites and dress code.
    no one was rude to you or "tore you down". you may not have appreciated the delivery, but the message is right on. 

    and please don't let some person (who is neither a family member or a friend) "ruin your day". do you even realize how silly that sounds? so she's flirty and you don't like her wardrobe? how will that in any way affect you? 

    focus on what matters. you're marrying your FI. you will be beautiful. you'll have a beautiful day. end of story.
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2013
    You were looking forward to having some advice. Well, that's exactly what you got!?! You were expecting maybe someone to tell you what a good idea it is to tell people how to dress? No false validations here.
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  • APDSS22APDSS22 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Unless she's going to stand up when the officiant says "if anyone has a reason these two should not be wed..."  Then she won't ruin your day.  At the end of the day, you'll be married to your FI, mission accomplished.  If she's such a problem and is not related to you, why do you have to invite her?  That would solve your problem without creating another one with all your friends and family who do know how to dress and would not appreciate being told how to dress themselves.
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  • ElcaBElcaB member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited August 2013
    butterflybre21 said: Wow I am surprised by how rude some of you are. I didn't mean to offend anyone. That is why I posted on here before doing or saying anything to my guests. I was looking forward to having some advice. Not to be torn down by other women. There is one person who is not a friend or family but has to come and she flirts with my fiancé right in front of me and wears really inappropriate clothing. ( She does this right in front of her fiancé) so I was thinking I could address this without creating drama by saying something to everyone on the invites. I will not have some girl ruin my day because I was afraid to address how I want people to dress on my day. When you attend someone else's special day you should be respectful of their requests. Not nit pick at their invites and dress code.


    How do I put this delicately? Rude is dictating what your guests can and cannot wear. And as far as the bolded goes, you have complete control over your attitude. If she does ruin your day, it's because you     let her. To let a guest's dress have that much power over what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life is pretty silly, don't you agree?

    Also, Starmoon gave excellent advice in the post above. You'd do well to follow it. 
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  • blueobsidianblueobsidian member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    butterflybre21 said:
    Wow I am surprised by how rude some of you are. I didn't mean to offend anyone. That is why I posted on here before doing or saying anything to my guests. I was looking forward to having some advice. Not to be torn down by other women. There is one person who is not a friend or family but has to come and she flirts with my fiancé right in front of me and wears really inappropriate clothing. ( She does this right in front of her fiancé) so I was thinking I could address this without creating drama by saying something to everyone on the invites. I will not have some girl ruin my day because I was afraid to address how I want people to dress on my day. When you attend someone else's special day you should be respectful of their requests. Not nit pick at their invites and dress code.
    The way ONE person is going to dress will ruin your wedding day?  And you want to be rude to all of your friends and family instead of just ignoring or not inviting her?  There is no reason why you "have" to invite anyone.  If the person who is paying is insisting, decline their money and plan your own wedding.  

    It's not about being "afraid" to address wardrobe.  It is about the fact that it is rude to tell other people what to wear.  You posted a rude idea on an etiquette board.  Would you have been happier if we had all said, "Honey, it is your wedding day.  You can treat your friends and family as bad as you want.  They don't matter!"

    And seriously, if seeing one woman in a low-cut dress is going to ruin your wedding day, seek therapy.  The fact that you will be marrying the man that you love should be more important than what anyone else wears.
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  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited August 2013
    butterflybre21 said:
    Wow I am surprised by how rude some of you are. I didn't mean to offend anyone. That is why I posted on here before doing or saying anything to my guests. I was looking forward to having some advice. Not to be torn down by other women. There is one person who is not a friend or family but has to come and she flirts with my fiancé right in front of me and wears really inappropriate clothing. ( She does this right in front of her fiancé) so I was thinking I could address this without creating drama by saying something to everyone on the invites. I will not have some girl ruin my day because I was afraid to address how I want people to dress on my day. When you attend someone else's special day you should be respectful of their requests. Not nit pick at their invites and dress code.
    Sweetie, you or your FI either need to calmly address her disrespectful behavior, or let it go. Your being rude to all your guests is not going to stop her from flirting, nor is your "request" going to stop her from wearing something that you think is inappropriate. You can not control other adults' behavior. So, your options are to either not invite her and her FI, or realize that you will probably have to interface with her for 60 seconds tops, and that will not "ruin" your wedding.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    artbyallie said:
    butterflybre21 said:
    Our dress is formal but I would like to ask people to also dress modest. We are very Christian and I dress modestly. There are a few certain people that I'm concerned about and I would like to address the issue respectfully and to everyone on the invites.
    I'm stuck on the concept of being 'very Christian.' Either you are or you are not; there are not degrees of Christianity, IMO. Also, it is never respectful to tell people how to dress. If you're that concerned about certain people, you would be better off not inviting them to your wedding than judging what they choose to wear.

    And I am speaking as a Christian myself, FYI.
    All of what @artbyaille said. Does it mean that I am not as Christian as you if I don't go to church twice each week? Or, whatever could make you "more Christian" than anyone else.

    Also, ditto to the whole... getting your guests to dress more modestly thing.
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  • Bubbles2014Bubbles2014 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Just FYI, the responses you got were polite and to the point. I didn't see one that was rude or that tore you down. You got advice. Sorry it's not what you wanted to hear.

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  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If there's a person who is disrespectful who flirts with your fiance, then don't invite her. The way she dresses is irrelevant.
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  • crunchymamaof2 crunchymamaof2 member
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    Her dressing differently will not stop her flirting. So even if you did ask for a specific dress it wouldn't do any good and would just make you look bad and insecure. One of you needs to tell this woman her behavior isn't welcome and possibly not invite her or her FI (you can't only invite one or the other). You should also trust your FI enough to handle the situation appropriately. I know it can be hard to overlook boobs hanging out, but he's marrying YOU. If you don't trust him then you guys need to work on some things before going forward with the wedding.

    Not one single person was rude to you. I know it sucks hearing people tell you that your idea is bad of rude or wrong. I doubt your intention was to offend your guests but by dictating their dress it will. Put yourself in your guests' shoes.

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  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If you are seriously worried about some woman flirting with your groom on your wedding day, you have screwed up priorities and/or trust issues and might want to reconsider getting married until you are an adult.

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  • heidirs731heidirs731 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    There are in fact some very rude and mocking responses up there.

    Like, "invite all you modestly dressing friends." Or "Jesus hung out with prostitutes. You should take his example." Or whoever it was that suggested she isn't ready to get married because one person could ruin her day.

    I agree that the main issue is with the woman flirting and her and her fiance should address that, but there are polite ways to point this issue out and there are rude ways. And people have been rude.
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2013
    @heidirs731, please back up your assertion with quotations.
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