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Etiquette

Wedding rant - Serenity now! (Long)

Ok, I just need to spew this out somewhere and this is one of the boards I visit most.  It's a bit long.

Ok, where to start...Perhaps the awkward shower?  My FMIL and FI's aunt wanted to host a shower for me in his hometown.  I've posted on here a little bit about it, but basically the wanted to invite a bunch of people that weren't invited to the wedding, I said I wasn't comfortable, attempted to decline, and then got straight up ambushed by FMIL and several aunts that said "We will be hosting this shower".  Seriously thought of not showing up, but I did because honestly it wasn't worth the drama to say no again or not show up.  To top it off they decided it would be open house style (I didn't know this until I arrived), where people walk in, come up to the table, drop off their gift, I open said gift and say thank you, and then they wander off to eat/chat with friends.  I honestly sat at the table with my 2 FSIL for the majority of the shower with no clue who 80% of the people in the room where.  At least FSILs (both marrying into this craziness) thought it was a terrible shower and we amused ourselves by just laughing at the horrible-ness.

After this crazy shower is done (and I have a drink), there are a few people that couldn't be there and sent gifts to FMIL's house after the fact.  I was going to be down there (about 2 hours from us) to go to the county fair with FI and FBIL so I said I would get them then.  Turns out FMIL opens all the cards (addressed to me and FI, not her), counts the money/gift cards in them, writes the amount on each card, puts them back, and makes a list for herself.  I can't even...WTF...I was livid.  Like a cat going through a baptism livid.  I confronted her and said "FMIL, I'm really not comfortable with this.  This was very rude and inappropriate."  "But I just wanted to see how much people gave you."  "That is none of your business.  Please don't ever do that again."  She stomps out of the room.  FI and I go to the fair and then come back to their house to grab the two boxed gifts that she didn't open.  She then throws a fit that we are going to wait to open them at home and not in front of her.  Umm, why they hell would I do that crazy pants since you are so judgy and nosy on what people give to us?  We say "No, we are tired.  We will open them at home on our own tomorrow."  I go outside to walk the dog quickly before the car ride back.  FMIL tells FI that I'm just a "Southern Snob".  Again, WTF?  FI says "Well you are a nosy Minnesotan, so there you go" and leaves the house.  I've never loved him more :-).  I'm a Southern snob because I don't want a dollar dance, an auction, tickets for the bar, to raffle off my garter, and because I think people that aren't invited to the wedding shouldn't be invited to a shower as well as not opening other people's mail/gifts?  Fine, I'm a southern snob.  

Ohh and they hate our invites.  They say "Mr and Mrs Bride's parents invite you to the marriage of their daughter Kmcclelland7 to blah blah blah" with no mention of the groom's parents names.  My parents are paying for 80% of the wedding with FI and I covering the rest.  We didn't not include them to be mean, we did them how we liked and what we thought was appropriate.  Never even thought that someone would have an issue with them.  They tell FI that the invites make it seem like he's an orphan.  I told him I would adopt him.  They want to send out cards saying something with their names on it.  Just no.  They then call FBIL and his FI (getting married after us in March) and tell them "If you make your invites like they did don't bother sending us one".  FBIL and FI are paying for their own wedding completely and don't plan on putting any parents on the invites which pisses off FMIL and FFIL.  I can't make this shit up.  These people must have invested in stock in crazy pants.  I can't do it anymore.  I can't force a smile around them anymore or make polite conversation.  They are not only upsetting me, but not they are making FSIL's planning miserable too.  I've pretty much just resigned myself to stay a good distance away before the wedding and take up Thumper's motto of "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."  But sweet baby Jesus they are testing my patience daily.  

I shouldn't let it bother me, but I really don't think they will get better after the wedding.  Opening gifts, name calling, and guilt tripping their sons into doing what they want transcends wedding planning.  

All I can do now is scream "Serenity Now!".    Whew, thanks for letting me rant ladies.

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southernbelle0915

Re: Wedding rant - Serenity now! (Long)

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited August 2013
    From this point on, don't take any communications from them-just leave it all in your FI's hands, and have people at the wedding ready to escort them out if they require it.

    After the wedding, if you can work out some kind of relationship with them that works for you, great, but if not, I'd minimize communications with them and leave as much as possible regarding them in your FI's hands. 
  • AprilH81AprilH81 Columbus, OH member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers

    You poor thing...  I can't believe she opened all the cards and make a list of how much everyone gave you!!!  That is just...  Wow.

     

    I should call my FMIL and thank her for not being crazypants.

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    @Jen4948 - That's exactly what I have done.  I'm cut off contact at the name calling stage.  Nope, not going to do it.  I'm a grown adult and don't need that shit.  FI can talk to them if needed.  They won't do anything at the wedding because they wouldn't want to do anything in front of their friends to embarrass themselves.  And if they did my entire Irish Catholic crazy family would descend on them like a pack of wolves.  Just how we roll :-).  

    One good thing is that FI is on my side.  I told him I don't want to mess up his relationship with them because at the end of the day, they are his parents.  However I would rather not visit with them until I must at the wedding.  His response: "Fuck that!  They are being ridiculous and childish.  You are going to be my wife, the most important person in my life, and my family.  They can choose if they would like to be in our family.  They are not choosing that right now."  I almost cried.    
    I love that.  Best wishes!
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    What a nightmare.  

    I have heard other stories of parents doing similar things.  I have NEVER heard of anyone being so bodacious as to open UNopened cards.  I have heard stories of parents wanting to know exactly how much money was given to a B&G.  Their logic was that then those parents would gift that and not a penny more when invited to the weddings of their children.  Warped.  I applaud your civility with them.  I would absolutely have someone you trust monitor your wedding card box, and assign that person their safekeeping.

    If you have a family, I shudder to think of the potential intrusions that could occur.


  • mobkaz said:
    What a nightmare.  

    I have heard other stories of parents doing similar things.  I have NEVER heard of anyone being so bodacious as to open UNopened cards.  I have heard stories of parents wanting to know exactly how much money was given to a B&G.  Their logic was that then those parents would gift that and not a penny more when invited to the weddings of their children.  Warped.  I applaud your civility with them.  I would absolutely have someone you trust monitor your wedding card box, and assign that person their safekeeping.

    If you have a family, I shudder to think of the potential intrusions that could occur.


    That is my FILs main justification for wanting to know exactly what we got, so they can give the same amount to their other friend's children.  That not how gifting works damn it!  Give what you can and based on what your relationship is with that person!  

    I have two of my friends taking the gift/cards out to the car after dinner.  I've had that planned for a while before this crap.  We now however are not opening gifts the next morning during brunch.  Also because I know will be tired and my family won't give a crap and just want to hang out and visit since they are all from OOT.  
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  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Props on your awesome husband, he sounds like he has his priorities in line!
    Agreed!  It's a good idea not to open wedding gifts the next morning.  You deserve a relaxing, drama free "morning after".  And if you are tired and your MIL starts in with you and your husband :-)  it might be harder to hold your tongue with her.  The important thing is that on your first morning as husband and wife, you start by building your own traditions.  
    kmcclelland7
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    WOW!

    Who raffles off the garter? I have NEVER heard of that. What you did with your invitations follows etiquette- parents who pay for the wedding get their names on the invitation (as they are essentially hosting it). 

    Agreed- props to your husband!

    Good luck with the rest of your planning. Keep the wedding talk to a minimum, but just in case, have a few bottles of wine around the house ;)
  • Your FMIL sounds like her bucket of crazy is overflowing. Good on you for handling it so well, and props to your awesome FI for standing up for you!

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  • My SIL did a few things like your FMIL. Best to keep the wedding stuff to a minimum, sort of a 'needs to know basis', smile and move on.

    They will no doubt in the future be meddling/only have what's best for you in mind. So again, keep stuff to a minimum. Learn how to deflect politely and smile.
  • I foresee a complete cut off if kids are in your future. These people are the definition of crazy. But you've got an awesome FH!!

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • I can sympathize... I'm pretty sure it was around the same time in the planning stage that I was posting my in law problems on here.

    So sorry for everything you are going through.  I understand the stress and strain it puts on you.  You need to find some calm.

    I completely agree that you should not have any contact with them between now and the wedding.  They can't know anything else about the wedding and there is no reason why you need to communicate with them.

     Our family drama really hit the fan in December.  I didn't speak to anybody until our May wedding.  H was the only person who talked to his family, but it was good practice in learning boundaries.  Between December and May, H limited his conversations to the weather and they didn't know anything else.  A few times they found out more about the wedding and threw some fits.  At the last fit, H just said to his mom "I have yet to hear one positive word about this wedding from you, dad, or S.  My engagement has been a miserable experience because you all don't seem to realize these decisions are not yours to make.  These are decisions that FI and I have made together and they are final.  It would be nice if between now and the wedding, I could at least hear, 'hey I'm happy for you.'"  That was about a month before the wedding and it did give us some peace until the wedding.

    Because of the silence before the wedding, I think his family has actually learned some lessons, at least his mom.  They've all come to realize that if they want us in their lives, then they need to keep their opinions to themselves.  But it's taken from December until now for them to come to this realization.  We still don't tell them any details of our lives- we bought a house and they didn't know about it until we closed for example.  

    I think another thing that helped was them actually coming to the wedding and realizing they weren't as horribly embarrassed in front of their family as they thought they would be.  They realized that we actually did take them into consideration and their family actually had a great time.


    May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

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  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Oh my word.  I feel like calling my FMIL to tell her how awesome she is.  I am so sorry that a person actually exists who would think this is ok.  Hopefully things get better, but if they don't, I think you're doing the right thing limiting contact as much as possible.

  • @melb2013 - That's what I'm worried about, that this stuff won't stop after the wedding.  Actually, I know for a fact that this stuff won't stop.  My FI's twin brother was married last May to a girl I work with (soon to be FSIL).  FI's parents have all but driven them away because of their crazy ideas/demands on their wedding and then they continued into their married lives.  I'm throwing the towel in and I'm done with these people (at least until the wedding).  

    FI's older brother is getting married next March to a wonderful girl.  FILs are already driving them (mostly her) crazy (see about invites above).  They are becoming more and more distant this FILs as time goes on.  As bad as it sounds, they will wake up one day with all their sons not speaking to them and wondering what is going on.  

    Anyway, thank you ladies for listening (reading) my crazy rant.  Just needed to get it off my chest.  As least my two FSILs completely understand and we can chat about it together.  


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  • SP29 said:
    WOW!

    Who raffles off the garter? I have NEVER heard of that. What you did with your invitations follows etiquette- parents who pay for the wedding get their names on the invitation (as they are essentially hosting it). 

    Agreed- props to your husband!

    Good luck with the rest of your planning. Keep the wedding talk to a minimum, but just in case, have a few bottles of wine around the house ;)
    There are several "traditions" they have that just weird me out including but not limited to: Raffling the garter, auctioning the bride (ohh hell no!), dollar dances, tickets for drinks of the bar, contests through out the night for things like dancing with the bride, cake in the face, and other crap.  Essentially it all centers around making money somehow.  I told them our wedding will not be a fundraiser or carnival.  No one is giving us money in any form unless it's in a card and voluntary and we will not have tickets for any reason.  Besides, my family would be very offended because they would find all these things rude.
    BTW, me not wanting to do all of these things AND not wanting to open presents in front of FMIL for her crazy list makes me a "Southern Snob":-).  Now it's an inside joke with FI and FSILs.   
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  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Take solace in knowing that your FMIL is an equal opportunity crazypants.  You are fortunate to have seen the precedent set in the relationships of your FI's siblings.  At least your misery has company.  It is a shame that their behavior will alienate them from the rest of you.  My best advice......
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    kmcclelland7
  • @melb2013 - That's what I'm worried about, that this stuff won't stop after the wedding.  Actually, I know for a fact that this stuff won't stop.  My FI's twin brother was married last May to a girl I work with (soon to be FSIL).  FI's parents have all but driven them away because of their crazy ideas/demands on their wedding and then they continued into their married lives.  I'm throwing the towel in and I'm done with these people (at least until the wedding).  

    FI's older brother is getting married next March to a wonderful girl.  FILs are already driving them (mostly her) crazy (see about invites above).  They are becoming more and more distant this FILs as time goes on.  As bad as it sounds, they will wake up one day with all their sons not speaking to them and wondering what is going on.  

    Anyway, thank you ladies for listening (reading) my crazy rant.  Just needed to get it off my chest.  As least my two FSILs completely understand and we can chat about it together.  



    It will not stop just because the wedding is over unless you change something.  Our craziness basically stopped after the wedding because we didn't let them know anything about lives after the wedding.  It's been great for me, but I feel badly for H.  He wanted to do this as much as I did, but it's still his family.

    You and your FI need to figure out how to get peace in your lives.  If you can agree on how to do this, then this will work.  If you can't come to an agreement, this isn't going to work.  

    I honestly almost called the whole thing off because I didn't want to be related to those people and I didn't want my husband to separate himself from his family for me.  But then H made me understand that he wasn't doing this for me, he was doing this for himself too.

    May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

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