Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest List question -- Significant Others

So I read this board all the time, and I followed all the etiquette advice when creating our guest list (significant others invited, no splitting up social units, etc). 
 Wedding is in December around Christmas, so we are aiming at getting guests their invitations in late October due to the holiday season date. FH has a few cousins in their mid-20s, who at the time of the list creation didn't have boyfriends/girlfriends. However, FMIL mentioned the other night that one of them, Ashley, is "looking for a date" to our wedding. 

(Background: FMIL gave me her side of the family's list, and she did not include "and guest" for anyone. My family got 90 invites, her family got 90, and my fiance and I got 90 together. My parents are paying for the entire wedding). 

When I told her that they weren't invited with dates, she seemed very confused and told me that as they were single, of course they would bring dates. This would apply to about 6 cousins and one aunt. Ummmm....WHAT? Then she said that if people RSVP no, she would tell them they could bring dates. I really don't want to open that door, because then other families who weren't invited with their children might think it applies to them, etc. 

What should I do? I am truly not trying to exclude anyone or their SO, but these people DON'T HAVE SOs, they are just looking for dates! If one of them happens to start a relationship in the next two months, am I obligated to invite them? My parents have been amazingly generous throughout the whole thing, and I really don't want to add people to the list if I can help it.

Re: Guest List question -- Significant Others

  • edited August 2013
    If they're single, they do not need to bring a guest. Tell FMIL right away that single people are not being invited with a guest, and if she tells people they can bring dates against your wishes, she will have to call them up and have an awkward conversation about how she was mistaken.

    Also, do not let FMIL know who RSVPs yes or no; do not give her any of the physical invitations. Handle all this yourself so there's no way she can "accidentally" interfere.

    ETA: If any of the single guests enter a relationship before invites go out, you should invite them with their SO.
  • If they're single, they do not need to bring a guest. Tell FMIL right away that single people are not being invited with a guest, and if she tells people they can bring dates against your wishes, she will have to call them up and have an awkward conversation about how she was mistaken.

    Also, do not let FMIL know who RSVPs yes or no; do not give her any of the physical invitations. Handle all this yourself so there's no way she can "accidentally" interfere.

    ETA: If any of the single guests enter a relationship before invites go out, you should invite them with their SO.
    All of this ^^ is spot on, and in particular, the bolded.  

    If you did not send out STD's, and dates for FMIL's cousins is that important, you could suggest that FMIL reduce her guest list elsewhere to accommodate dates.  The issue about guests starting relationships AFTER invitations are sent is a bit more complicated.  It is always nice to add that person if the space and budget allows. However, in your specific situation, you might want to play that card close to the vest.  I would hate for FMIL's cousins to all suddenly find themselves in "relationships". 
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would tell her that your budget and venue cannot accommodate more than the 90 guests you gave her, nor did she add +1s to her list when she it gave it to you, so if she wishes her family to bring dates then she needs to reduce her guest count to include them. 

    Also agree- mail out the invitation and accept the responses on your own. She doesn't need to know who has responded yes or no. 
  • Thanks for the input, everyone!

    I am going to talk to her (we have a really good relationship, so it's not a big deal) and just reiterate the numbers. I would love to just not tell her if people RSVP no, but her family is all pretty close-knit, so I'm sure she will hear it through the grapevine one way or another. 
  • Ditto @MoonlightSilver.  Your FI may need to get involved her so she knows you two are on the same page. 
  • sarals24 said:
    Thanks for the input, everyone!

    I am going to talk to her (we have a really good relationship, so it's not a big deal) and just reiterate the numbers. I would love to just not tell her if people RSVP no, but her family is all pretty close-knit, so I'm sure she will hear it through the grapevine one way or another. 
    To the bolded: I would have your FI tell her that if people RSVP no, she is NOT to  allow these cousins to bring anyone extra.  Even if you have a good relationship with her, she may not take this news very well and it's best to come from her own son.
  • Have everyone RSVP to you, not to her.  And have your FI tell her that nobody is invited with a date, and that includes these cousins.  Period.
  • Be careful when you say you aren't giving +1's due to venue space; if people know other people aren't making it, or their SO listed on the invite can't come, they will assume there is room to bring someone else.  Wrong on their part, but it still happens. 
  • I'd simply explain to her that if she would like these people to get +1's, that that needs to be included as part of her 90

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