How do you ask your guests to dress modest???

blueobsidian · August 2013

heidirs731 said:

There are in fact some very rude and mocking responses up there.

Like, "invite all you modestly dressing friends." Or "Jesus hung out with prostitutes. You should take his example." Or whoever it was that suggested she isn't ready to get married because one person could ruin her day.

I agree that the main issue is with the woman flirting and her and her fiance should address that, but there are polite ways to point this issue out and there are rude ways. And people have been rude.

Why isn't this an accurate suggestion? If one person's OUTFIT is enough to ruin your wedding day, I'd suggest therapy or cancelling the wedding. In what circumstance should a bad outfit be more important than making a lifelong commitment to the person you love?

I also want to know why the FI hasn't told this woman to stop flirting with him. If it is this big of a problem, he should have handled it already.

aurianna · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:

Wow I am surprised by how rude some of you are. I didn't mean to offend anyone. That is why I posted on here before doing or saying anything to my guests. I was looking forward to having some advice. Not to be torn down by other women. There is one person who is not a friend or family but has to come and she flirts with my fiancé right in front of me and wears really inappropriate clothing. ( She does this right in front of her fiancé) so I was thinking I could address this without creating drama by saying something to everyone on the invites. I will not have some girl ruin my day because I was afraid to address how I want people to dress on my day. When you attend someone else's special day you should be respectful of their requests. Not nit pick at their invites and dress code.

The thing is, once you start inviting people to share in your special day it doesn't make it just yours anymore. Your guests are doing you an honor by witnessing your marriage and so you must do what you can to treat them as honored guests in return.
I would hope that the majority of your guests are polite enough to know how to dress for a wedding on their own. If they get something in the mail that spells it out for them it could be rather insulting. "Does the bride think I'm too stupid to know how to dress myself?" "Does the bride think that I would wear something trashy in a church?"
Even if it's "your day", these thoughts will run through some people's head as they are natural reactions to condescending instructions. And I don't think you want your honored guests to have these feelings; any good hostess would not.

If this gal dresses inappropriately normally and is tasteless enough to flirt with your fiance, I highly doubt a note in the invitation will change her standard behavior. In fact it might only egg her on and she'll dress even worse because of it. If this is the case, the only thing a note in the invite will do is possibly insult your other guests who already know how to dress.

Don't let one gal ruin your day or keep you from hosting the rest of your guests properly. If she comes to the wedding, no matter how she's dressed, just thank her for coming and then move on to the rest of your guests and have a wonderful time at your wedding.

If she looks awful that will reflect on her and not you. And if she won't leave your husband alone, at that point he really needs to be the one to say something to her.

Good luck!

artbyallie · August 2013

@butterflybre21

You still didn't answer my question of how one can be 'very Christian.'

Also, does your screenname mean you are 21 years old? Just curious.

ceceibson · August 2013

A friend's daughter was married last summer. The groom's mother ran the whole thing and it took place in the groom's hometown church. We are all Catholic, as is the groom and his family.

The invitations [sent by the groom's mother] said right on them "modest dress required." My friend and I laughed our asses off? Seriously? The wedding is in a Catholic church in a town that's about 99.9% Catholic. And we are 50 year old women. We don't need to be told how to dress.

The funny thing was, we got there -- dressed modestly -- to find all these young people in sundresses, etc. All friends or sisters of the groom and his family.

See, one big problem with these "rules" OP wants to impose on others [in addition to the fact that they're rude and offensive] is that the people you're really trying to boss around won't listen anyway.

This girl the OP is so worried about will show up wearing exactly what she wants to wear and will behave exactly how she wants to behave. And, meanwhile, all the other normally well-behaved guests will be offended at being told what to do.

banana468 · August 2013

@ceceibson, that's exactly my point! As a Catholic (is that "Christian enough" for you?), I know that I need to dress modestly. Don't tell me that though. It's similar to reading "adults only" on the invitation that isn't addressed to my child. Duh!

I also recently attended a reception that specified "semi-formal" only to find that I was eating less than semi-formal food in a not so semi-formal location. So DH and upheld our end of the deal but the hosts didn't.

The biggest thing that amuses me here is that the OP has someone on her guest list who is behaving poorly and she thinks that she can be passive-aggressive with her irritation of this person instead of her FI saying, "Stop hitting on me. It's not going to work and you look like an idiot."

chibiyui · August 2013

heidirs731 said:

There are in fact some very rude and mocking responses up there.

Like, "invite all you modestly dressing friends." Or "Jesus hung out with prostitutes. You should take his example." Or whoever it was that suggested she isn't ready to get married because one person could ruin her day.

I agree that the main issue is with the woman flirting and her and her fiance should address that, but there are polite ways to point this issue out and there are rude ways. And people have been rude.

And I find it rude when other Christians want to judge my relationship with Jesus by how much clavicle I'm showing. If you want to dress modestly, fine. Don't assume others are less godly because some cleavage is hanging out.

So, all in all, I'd say it's squaresies in the "rudeness" department.

audreyecu61 · August 2013

Just a side note here. There are a lot of people out there who dress so un-appropriate to work, to weddings, to the grocery store, I see it all the time. It is frustrating.

Don't sweat the small stuff over one rude potential guest. If you don't invite her then problem solved. If you have to invite her, she will be the one who looks bad, not you.

If this is the worse thing that can happen at your wedding, be grateful.

butterflybre21 · August 2013

Like I said before I didn't mean to offend anyone with the very Christian remark. It was simply a statement about our beliefs and wedding. I understand my post was thrown together but I had a horrible migraine and just wanted suggestions. The girl is invited because it is my fiancé's cousin's fiancée. And the cousin is in the wedding. I understand it sounds immature to say I'm worried about her but I still don't see a problem asking my guests to dress modestly. When I attend other people's weddings I want to help make their day special so if they don't want me to do a certain thing that is either fine or I decide not to go. But I always keep in mind that it is their day and I am getting to be there. And yes I was 21 at the time of making the account (now 22) What does that have to do with anything?

nsweare · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:

Like I said before I didn't mean to offend anyone with the very Christian remark. It was simply a statement about our beliefs and wedding. I understand my post was thrown together but I had a horrible migraine and just wanted suggestions. The girl is invited because it is my fiancé's cousin's fiancée. And the cousin is in the wedding. I understand it sounds immature to say I'm worried about her but I still don't see a problem asking my guests to dress modestly. When I attend other people's weddings I want to help make their day special so if they don't want me to do a certain thing that is either fine or I decide not to go. But I always keep in mind that it is their day and I am getting to be there. And yes I was 21 at the time of making the account (now 22) What does that have to do with anything?

That's really kind of you to want to go out of your way to make a person's wedding day special. It's a nice thing to do. However, that doesn't mean it isn't rude of them to ask you. I get that your FI's cousin's FI sucks, but most likely you will see her, or be around her, a total of 5 minutes the day of the wedding. Try not to let her get to you.

STARMOON44 · August 2013

Awesome glad you're going to go ahead and be rude to your guests anyway. As is always the case with rudeness a poem is a must:

At my wedding, it is a must;
I'm a Christian, cover your bust.

Or perhaps:

More than all I value modesty;
kindly therefore dress appropriately

Seriously? There's no way someone so inspproriate as to flirt with your fiancé is going to follow a dress code anyway, so just get over it.

butterflybre21 · August 2013

Well I'm glad I don't know anyone who would get offended by a wedding invitation that says the dress is modest. If you take it personally then you have issues with yourself. The more I deal with selfish people like you the more I understand where bridezillas come from. I am doing so much so that my guests have a wonderful time but it is mine and my fiancés day. Not my guests. I have learned one thing from posting on here. Not to worry about other people on my day.

MNVegas · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:

Well I'm glad I don't know anyone who would get offended by a wedding invitation that says the dress is modest. If you take it personally then you have issues with yourself. The more I deal with selfish people like you the more I understand where bridezillas come from. I am doing so much so that my guests have a wonderful time but it is mine and my fiancés day. Not my guests. I have learned one thing from posting on here. Not to worry about other people on my day.

Name calling. How "very christian" of you!

butterflybre21 · August 2013

I think most of you need to get a life and grow up. Stop obsessing over my post and the fact that I called MYSELF "very Christian".

nsweare · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:

Well I'm glad I don't know anyone who would get offended by a wedding invitation that says the dress is modest. If you take it personally then you have issues with yourself. The more I deal with selfish people like you the more I understand where bridezillas come from. I am doing so much so that my guests have a wonderful time but it is mine and my fiancés day. Not my guests. I have learned one thing from posting on here. Not to worry about other people on my day.

Ummmmmm who are you directing this at?

Since you don't care about other people on YOUR day may I suggest some great money-saving tips. Have a cash bar. There's no reason you should pay for other people's intoxicants. It's a Christian wedding after-all. Also, you should totally have a dollar-dance, dash-for-cash and honeymoon jar at the reception. Who cares about other people, this is your day and they owe you! Also, don't invite anyone's SO. This kills two birds with one stone! Super-slutty girl won't be invited and you don't have to worry about feeding a bunch of people you don't care about! Finally, don't bother wasting any money with thank you notes. By the time the wedding is over, you won't have any friends left and probably no gifts to thank them for.

Seriously, you asked how to do something that is considered rude. People told you it is rude. Why did you post on an etiquette forum if you didn't want to know proper etiquette?

butterflybre21 · August 2013

I posted here because I expected the other people here to actually have some etiquette. I never said I didn't care about my guests. I actually said I'm doing a lot for them. And there won't be alcohol at my wedding.

Simply Fated · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:
I think most of you need to get a life and grow up. Stop obsessing over my post and the fact that I called MYSELF "very Christian".

So much contradiction, so little time.

daria24 · August 2013

My question is, if this girl is so inappropriate to flirt with your FI, in front of her FI and you, and she typically dresses with her tits hanging out, why do you think a note on the invitation will deter her usual behavior? Most likely, you'll cause some eye-rolling amongst your guests who would all dress appropriately anyway, and the girl you are worried about will show up with her mammies hanging out anyway.

The more you worry about this girl, the more likely you will let her ruin your wedding day. As a guest, I admit I do notice other guests who are wearing white, or who are in danger of flashing everyone with their short skirts, or whose black bra you can see through their light dress. But as a bride, I didn't notice what anyone was wearing that day. And I only had 90 guests. Try to re-focus your attention while you plan your day.

banana468 · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:
I posted here because I expected the other people here to actually have some etiquette. I never said I didn't care about my guests. I actually said I'm doing a lot for them. And there won't be alcohol at my wedding.

Really? Jesus turned water into wine but you won't serve it? That doesn't seem to make sense.

So, having etiquette to you means coming up with ways to get your way? It has nothing to do with behaving appropriately and treating your guests well?

In that case how about this poem:

Ladies and gents we love you to bits
So in the name of all holiness please cover your t!ts!

It references holiness AND uses the word please so it's win/win right?

Simply Fated · August 2013

Yeah, there is no way this girl is going to look at the note on the invitation and think, "Oh darn, I guess I'll have to pick out a more modest outfit to wear now..."

OP, forget the offhanded comments and jibes you don't agree with...
Bottom line is, your plan to get this girl to dress modestly won't work. Abandon this idea and try to come up with a Plan B.

OliveOilsMom · August 2013

You do realize that the point of a reception is to receive your guests for the first time as husband and wife. It is to THANK your guests for attending your ceremony. I'd also like to know which posts you have seen on TK that advocate for the bride to have her way regardless of her guests feelings. We advise brides to have guest-centric etiquette planning. We want you to remain friends with your friends long after your wedding. We also want your family to NOT be talking about you behind your back due to your wedding demands. Both of which will happen, if you continue to treat your wedding as only "Your" day.

butterflybre21 · August 2013

Well I guess I have better friends and family than all of you because I have asked several and they all said it is crazy to be offended by being asked to dress modestly to my wedding. And we aren't serving alcohol because it is not allowed at our venue and because there are recovering alcoholics in our families and we would like to take them into consideration. A lot of you judged me without even knowing me. And I have even tried to clear up some things but your comments are still very childish.

APDSS22 · August 2013

Of course we don't know you, this is an Internet forum...

Also, if someone asked me if I'd be offended by something, I'd probably say no unless it was being dunked in hot oil or something because that's my personality.

nebullama · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:

Well I'm glad I don't know anyone who would get offended by a wedding invitation that says the dress is modest. If you take it personally then you have issues with yourself. The more I deal with selfish people like you the more I understand where bridezillas come from. I am doing so much so that my guests have a wonderful time but it is mine and my fiancés day. Not my guests. I have learned one thing from posting on here. Not to worry about other people on my day.

I am sincerely having trouble understanding how it is not selfish to tell people what to wear to your wedding, but it IS selfish (and Bridezilla-ish) to answer a question on an etiquette board by stating, quite correctly, that it is in fact rude to directly tell people what to wear.

I am also confused that you said that you have learned not to care about other people on your day, then proceeded to say that you did not claim to not care about your guests.

Out of genuine curiosity, when you say "modest" how exactly do you define that? Would a cap sleeve dress with no exposed cleavage, that fell to the knee be okay? Or are you talking about covered from the neck to mid-calf in something that does not hug any curves?

EDIT: Added a comma

Blue_Bird · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:

Like I said before I didn't mean to offend anyone with the very Christian remark. It was simply a statement about our beliefs and wedding. I understand my post was thrown together but I had a horrible migraine and just wanted suggestions. The girl is invited because it is my fiancé's cousin's fiancée. And the cousin is in the wedding. I understand it sounds immature to say I'm worried about her but I still don't see a problem asking my guests to dress modestly. When I attend other people's weddings I want to help make their day special so if they don't want me to do a certain thing that is either fine or I decide not to go. But I always keep in mind that it is their day and I am getting to be there. And yes I was 21 at the time of making the account (now 22) What does that have to do with anything?

I might be more sympathetic if this request was because of your beliefs and not just your insecurity around this woman. That wouldn't make it any less rude or unacceptable, however. You are going to deliberately insult all of your guests because you are too chicken (or your fiance is) to speak to this woman about her behavior. I think that's what people are alluding to with the mention of your age- immaturity.

butterflybre21 · August 2013

When I said I learned not to care about other people on my day I meant people that will stress me out. And when I say modest I mean don't wear something you would wear to a club. And yes I'm young so I know a lot of people that would do this. But if I put it in the invite not to they won't. You can tell someone that etiquette wise it would be rude without making them feel stupid and like they are being attacked. I don't know why people on here felt the need to do so. I will admit that some of my postings back were not wonderful but has anyone on here ever felt like they were being attacked and judged for something that just came out wrong. I explained my original post and tried to clear up the fact that I was just describing my lifestyle and wedding. Not trying to judge anyone else or make it seem like I was better than anyone. I have not always dressed modest or behaved like a Christian so I am the last person to judge anyone. I was simply look for some help. I could have understood where some people would look at it as rude if people didn't write it as if I was a horrible person for asking this question.

Simply Fated · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:
Well I guess I have better friends and family than all of you because I have asked several and they all said it is crazy to be offended by being asked to dress modestly to my wedding. And we aren't serving alcohol because it is not allowed at our venue and because there are recovering alcoholics in our families and we would like to take them into consideration. A lot of you judged me without even knowing me. And I have even tried to clear up some things but your comments are still very childish.

How did the fact that you're having a dry wedding get into this?

Bre, can I ask you something? Is your dress code really about this one flirtatious girl or is this about wanting ALL your guests to dress differently?

You asked us how to put such a request out there, we told you there really wasn't a polite way... so what more do you want from us?
I want you to stop and think how you would feel if an invitation requested you to dress less modestly. That feeling? It's how your guests will feel, even if they agree with you.

Viczaesar · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:

Well I guess I have ruder friends and family than all of you because I have asked several and they all said it is crazy to be offended by being asked to dress modestly to my wedding. And we aren't serving alcohol because it is not allowed at our venue and because there are recovering alcoholics in our families and we would like to take them into consideration. A lot of you judged me without even knowing me. And I have even tried to clear up some things but your comments are still very childish.

Fixed that for you.

butterflybre21 · August 2013

I think there is a huge difference between being asked to cover up a little more and to uncover more. Uncovering more can make some people (me) feel uncomfortable but being asked to cover up a little more for someone's wedding should not make you feel uncomfortable. The topic some how got stuck on this "girl" but I did not mean it to. I would like everyone to respect our beliefs and our lifestyle by dressing a little more modest for a couple hours on that one special day. It is because of my religion and my beliefs that I want this dress code.

butterflybre21 · August 2013

That was very mature of you. I hope that made your day a little better.

Viczaesar · August 2013

Look, here's the thing. It doesn't matter how nicely or not-nicely people tell you. The fact of the matter is it's extremely rude to tell your guests how to dress, aside from the exceptions that we've already outlined. If your venue requires a certain dress code you can pass along that information to your guests, and if you're having a true black tie wedding you can indicate that. Any other mention of attire is rude.

If you want your wedding to be all about you and not have to worry about being polite to other people, elope. Once you invite guests you have to put them first. Getting married =/= becoming empress for the day. You are the host of your wedding and you must treat your guests like, well, honored guests. That means no gaps, having seats for all guests, hosting appropriate food and drink (which does not mean alcohol is required, by the way), not putting registry information or anything about gifts at all in your invitations, and not trying to dictate how your guests should dress. These are the kinds of things a good host does (or avoids doing). Hosting your guests properly should be front and center of your planning. The entire purpose of the reception is to thank your guests for attending your ceremony; it's not a party in your honor. Again, if you don't want to be bothered to take appropriate care of your guests, elope and don't have any guests.

How do you ask your guests to dress modest???

Re: How do you ask your guests to dress modest???

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