How do you ask your guests to dress modest???

Viczaesar · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:

I think there is a huge difference between being asked to cover up a little more and to uncover more. Uncovering more can make some people (me) feel uncomfortable but being asked to cover up a little more for someone's wedding should not make you feel uncomfortable. The topic some how got stuck on this "girl" but I did not mean it to. I would like everyone to respect our beliefs and our lifestyle by dressing a little more modest for a couple hours on that one special day. It is because of my religion and my beliefs that I want this dress code.

But neither are appropriate. There's no more appropriate and less appropriate. Both requests are equally inappropriate, even if you personally would find one more or less objectionable. It is inappropriate for you to try to force your religion and beliefs on your guests. If your church has specific guidelines that they require guests to follow (e.g. knee-length or longer skirts, or covered shoulders) that's fine and you can pass that specific information along to your guests, but you can't make up requirements based on your own clothing preferences.

butterflybre21 · August 2013

Well I'm done with this discussion so please stop replying and I am trying to figure out how to delete it.

Viczaesar · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:

That was very mature of you. I hope that made your day a little better.

Tip - if you're replying to a specific person, try quoting their post.

Viczaesar · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:

Well I'm done with this discussion so please stop replying and I am trying to figure out how to delete it.

You can neither delete the thread nor control whether or not we respond to it.

butterflybre21 · August 2013

Once again very mature

I wish I had more free time like you. You are so lucky.

Viczaesar · August 2013

By the way, I'm laughing my ass off at being called immature by someone who said this:

"Well I guess I have better friends and family than all of you".

Viczaesar · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:

Once again very mature I wish I had more free time like you. You are so lucky.

I know, right? Too bad you didn't have time to read and respond to people on the thread you started, and instead had to abandon it after the original post to slay dragons and chase people stealing candy from babies!

banana468 · August 2013

I think you're really wound up about this one person.

It doesn't matter who has validated your idea to your face. A bunch of random people on an ETIQUETTE BOARD have all unanimously agreed that it's a terrible idea to tell guests to dress modestly.

Do you really think that EVERYONE here is giving bad advice and only your friends and family are in the right? Do you understand how statistically improbable that actually is?

You can do what you want for your wedding but the strangers here are going to give it to you straight.

nebullama · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:

I think there is a huge difference between being asked to cover up a little more and to uncover more. Uncovering more can make some people (me) feel uncomfortable but being asked to cover up a little more for someone's wedding should not make you feel uncomfortable. The topic some how got stuck on this "girl" but I did not mean it to. I would like everyone to respect our beliefs and our lifestyle by dressing a little more modest for a couple hours on that one special day. It is because of my religion and my beliefs that I want this dress code.

To the bolded, I think there is actually rather high risk that this will make people uncomfortable. Wearing something they wouldn't ordinarily wear, especially because they were told to, could easily make someone feel overly matronly, stiff, and uncomfortable. Not to mention that they may feel the need to go out and buy something just for your wedding that they may never wear again.

heidirs731 · August 2013

aliciaharrison said:

Why does it seem like a running gag on here that all of the young brides ask for advice and then get their panties in a twist about what people will tell them is rude?

Because people tell them it's a rude in an attacking "you are ridiculous" sort of way, not in a polite "this is why it's rude and you shouldn't do it" way that is gentle and understanding in explaining things.

banana468 said:
It doesn't matter who has validated your idea to your face. A bunch of random people on an ETIQUETTE BOARD have all unanimously agreed that it's a terrible idea to tell guests to dress modestly.

Do you really think that EVERYONE here is giving bad advice and only your friends and family are in the right? Do you understand how statistically improbable that actually is?

You can do what you want for your wedding but the strangers here are going to give it to you straight.

I find the logic deeply disturbing that a bunch of random strangers on a random internet board that are not representative of the OP's wedding guests or friends or family have more say in what is appropriate/is not versus the OP's actual wedding guests, friends, or family.

Simply Fated · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:
I think there is a huge difference between being asked to cover up a little more and to uncover more. Uncovering more can make some people (me) feel uncomfortable but being asked to cover up a little more for someone's wedding should not make you feel uncomfortable. The topic some how got stuck on this "girl" but I did not mean it to. I would like everyone to respect our beliefs and our lifestyle by dressing a little more modest for a couple hours on that one special day. It is because of my religion and my beliefs that I want this dress code.

It's not a huge difference.
In both cases the bride is asking guests to dress how they normally wouldn't.
Just because YOU think one request is more appropriate than the other, doesn't mean it is. Telling a bunch of people that their normal choice of clothing isn't modest enough for you comes of as condescending.

Your plan won't work on those you want it to. The people who would normally wear modest clothing will. The people who don't aren't going to magically change their outfits because you made them see the light with your sanctimonious note.

YOU brought up that girl. We thought you were just elaborating. Apparently you were just giving us an anecdote. Our bad?

butterflybre21 · August 2013

I did not say I was deleting it because I didn't like the responses. I simple said I was trying to delete it. The reason is because there is no point in continuing the conversation. There were only a couple people who said their advice in a caring way. Others did not. If you have learned from your past and have advice on how to handle it, I would love that advice. But don't treat me rudely and expect me to understand that you are trying to help. And yes my friends and family's opinions are much more important to me than the ones here. First of all I actually know them and care about them. Second of all they are the ones receiving the invites and attending my wedding.

phira · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:

I think there is a huge difference between being asked to cover up a little more and to uncover more. Uncovering more can make some people (me) feel uncomfortable but being asked to cover up a little more for someone's wedding should not make you feel uncomfortable. The topic some how got stuck on this "girl" but I did not mean it to. I would like everyone to respect our beliefs and our lifestyle by dressing a little more modest for a couple hours on that one special day. It is because of my religion and my beliefs that I want this dress code.

If I received an invitation to your wedding that stipulated that I would need to dress modestly, I would not attend, and I would probably slowly distance myself from you as a friend. I'm not exaggerating to prove a point, either.

You should expect that people will dress appropriately for your wedding without being told how to dress. A message from you preemptively telling people (women) to dress "modestly" would be completely out of line; it heavily implies that you expect they will dress "immodestly."

From what you wrote in later posts, it sounded as if you weren't really concerned that people (women) might show up dressed "inappropriately." It sounded as if you were upset because you suspect that a guest will be inappropriate and flirt with your fiance. So putting a note on your invitations asking people (women) to dress a certain way is completely irrelevant to the actual problem.

The point here is that you came here asking a question about etiquette and you got a straightforward answer. How do you ask your guests to dress modestly? You don't. It's rude to tell your guests how to dress (or to suggest how they should dress).

blueobsidian · August 2013

butterflybre21 said:

I did not say I was deleting it because I didn't like the responses. I simple said I was trying to delete it. The reason is because there is no point in continuing the conversation. There were only a couple people who said their advice in a caring way. Others did not. If you have learned from your past and have advice on how to handle it, I would love that advice. But don't treat me rudely and expect me to understand that you are trying to help. And yes my friends and family's opinions are much more important to me than the ones here. First of all I actually know them and care about them. Second of all they are the ones receiving the invites and attending my wedding.

It is rude to delete a post, just like it is rude to tell adults what to wear.

butterflybre21 · August 2013

Thank you. That was actually a very nice way to explain it. I will not be putting that in my invites and I will be addressing the issue privately with the few I'm concerned about. I am sorry if I offended anyone at all.

Teddy917 · August 2013

aliciaharrison said:
Why does it seem like a running gag on here that all of the young brides ask for advice and then get their panties in a twist about what people will tell them is rude? This is like the third(?) post so far I have read where the bride was in her early twenties. Why are y'all rushing into getting married? Enjoy being in your twenties. It all changes when you get married.

A friend of my BF and I got married when she was 23 and is now pregnant at 24. She has completely changed from how she was beforehand.

In repsonse to your post OP, no matter how you word it, it is rude to dictate how your guests should dress. If I was invited to your wedding and you told me how to dress, I would say that was rude and not reply.

Although I understand that you were just being general, I must point out that every age group has rude people. I'm only 20 and I would never specify that people dress modestly, or do a lot of other rude things.

butterflybre21 · August 2013

Why are you still going on about how it is rude? I have apologized and said that I didn't mean to offend anyone. I am not a rude person at all. I asked a question and got rude responses. It wasn't what they said that made me upset. It was how people were treating me for asking the question. Are people never supposed to ask then never learn a new lesson because they are afraid someone will treat them like they are stupid or horrible for asking?

heidirs731 · August 2013

aliciaharrison said:

heidirs731 said:

aliciaharrison said:

Why does it seem like a running gag on here that all of the young brides ask for advice and then get their panties in a twist about what people will tell them is rude?

Because people tell them it's a rude in an attacking "you are ridiculous" sort of way, not in a polite "this is why it's rude and you shouldn't do it" way that is gentle and understanding in explaining things.

To the bolded, really? From everything that I have read, they have said why it is rude. They didn't say the OP was being ridiculous at all.

Here's some examples

cap816 said:

You don't. It doesn't matter what your guests wear. As a Christian you should know that Jesus preferred the company of prostitutes over that of the Pharisees. His should be your example.

This is ridiculous and mocking, and basically implying the OP should be happy if a group of prostitutes showed up at her wedding. Unless the poster or anyone else has personally invited a group of prostitutes to their wedding, it's mocking. Someone else said "Jesus turned water into wine, why are you having a dry wedding?" It's mocking the OP's religious views.

Viczaesar said:
FFS, woman, nobody 'tore you down' or was rude. Nobody. It doesn't effing matter if somebody flirts with your FI, that does not justify being rude to the rest of your guests by trying to dictate what they wear. You do not have that right. If a woman flirting with your FI and dressing inappropriately ruins your wedding day then you frankly should not be getting married in the first place. You have no right to impose a dress code on your guests unless you're a) having a true black tie wedding, or b) your venue requires a specific dress code. It sounds like neither is the case.

This is explaining things, but using inappropriate language and an aggressive "tone" via the short sentences and the language.

grumbledore said:

If you are seriously worried about some woman flirting with your groom on your wedding day, you have screwed up priorities and/or trust issues and might want to reconsider getting married until you are an adult.

This implies the OP is being immature and not mature enough to get married.

Simply Fated said:
Your issue is with her, not with all of your other guests, so why dictate anything to them? You need to address her. "Stop flirting with my fiance." Your fiance should then chime in, "Yeah, stop flirting with me."
Problem solved. I'm a genius.

Implies that the OP is an idiot and can't logically think things through on her own.

STARMOON44 said:

Awesome glad you're going to go ahead and be rude to your guests anyway. As is always the case with rudeness a poem is a must: At my wedding, it is a must; I'm a Christian, cover your bust. Or perhaps: More than all I value modesty; kindly therefore dress appropriately Seriously? There's no way someone so inspproriate as to flirt with your fiancé is going to follow a dress code anyway, so just get over it.

Mocking

Viczaesar said:

butterflybre21 said:

Well I guess I have ruder friends and family than all of you because I have asked several and they all said it is crazy to be offended by being asked to dress modestly to my wedding.

Fixed that for you.

Again, mocking.

There's several posts questioning the OP's use of "very Christian" is a term that's commonly used toward someone who "takes Christian values a little too far," such as dressing more modestly than usual casual dress, or never ever swearing, and not celebrating Halloween. Things like that. But I guess it's not commonly heard among people on the board.

She's been criticized and told to reconsider getting married because a woman flirting with her husband would "ruin her day." Which, of course, is extreme, but it's also a figure of speech. And people often speak more strongly than they mean. I would probably tell someone that seeing my alcoholic father drunk at my wedding would "ruin my day." But it wouldn't really ruin it, it's just a memory I wouldn't want to have on my wedding. It's insulting that someone would imply that I'm not mentally ready to get married just because I don't want to have that memory and would want to take steps to prevent that event from happening (such as having a dry wedding).

EDIT: The OP may not have expressed herself as accurately as she could have, but I believe circumventing an unhappy situation was all she was trying to do, and she could have been responded to in a more understanding way even when letting her know that telling guests what to wear is not appropriate etiquette.

butterflybre21 · August 2013

heidirs731 Thank you very much for saying all of that

You are truly wonderful and made me feel much better. Again thank you.

kjlamb · August 2013

banana468 said:
Really? Jesus turned water into wine but you won't serve it? That doesn't seem to make sense. So, having etiquette to you means coming up with ways to get your way? It has nothing to do with behaving appropriately and treating your guests well? In that case how about this poem: Ladies and gents we love you to bits So in the name of all holiness please cover your t!ts! It references holiness AND uses the word please so it's win/win right?

Alright I am a Christian also, so is the dry wedding rude or the cash bar? I am starting to get mixed reviews.

nebullama · August 2013

@kjlamb A dry wedding is not rude, a cash bar is. I think banana was simply using scripture to point out that Jesus did not necessarily expect total abstinence from alcohol, particularly at a wedding.

butterflybre21 · August 2013

I do trust my FH. He is not the problem at all. I never said he was. And I didn't grow up Christian. I even said in a post that I didn't always dress modest or act Christian.

phira · August 2013

I'm not sure the Bible says anything about low-cut tops, honestly.

APDSS22 · August 2013

phira said:

I'm not sure the Bible says anything about low-cut tops, honestly.

Because you would've been stoned to death at that time so it wasn't really an issue.

phira · August 2013

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

phira said:

I'm not sure the Bible says anything about low-cut tops, honestly.

Because you would've been stoned to death at that time so it wasn't really an issue.

I'm actually serious.

APDSS22 · August 2013

I was fairly serious. I believe there's something about not wearing clothing made of two different materials but I don't think there's anything about modesty in dress...

heidirs731 · August 2013

aliciaharrison said:

1. I believe that the person there was merely stating the fact that Jesus enjoyed the presence of prostitutes over anyone else and that the OP shouldn't be judgy about the woman that she is getting all worked up over. It was not implying that the OP should be happy if prostitutes showed up at her wedding. I believe the PP who wrote that was using the OP's Christian upbringing to show that even Jesus enjoyed that kind of company.

2. I absolutely believe that if you have trust issues with your FH you should not be getting married just yet. I'm 24 and have plenty of things to work through with my BF and I would not insist on getting married until those are taken care of and I am more mature. Unfortunately some people aren't mature enough to get married but still plan it all through.

Have some people becoming mocking to the OP here? Yes but it all happened after she threw a hissy fit.

1. That is a possible. Someone else asked why she was having a dry wedding if Jesus turned water into wine. Both those post seemed to be mocking her religion. But maybe I'm jumping to conclusions.

2. I completely agree that people with trust issues shouldn't be marrying their SO and need to rethink their relationship. But the way that particular post was worded in "You have screwed up priorities" seemed to imply more of a "ridiculousness" on the OP's part and less of a "I'm concerned about this relationship you're in."

3. A number of those quotes were before the OP started being rude herself.

All in all, there's are nice ways of putting things and there are frustrated ways of putting things, and when we don't stop to think about what we are posting and how we are wording it, it can come off as rude and attacking. And I think there's fault on both sides.

heidirs731 · August 2013

phira said:

I'm not sure the Bible says anything about low-cut tops, honestly.

It is a common practice among the to church instruct it's members to dress modestly. Usually, it has something to do with not being provocative and creating lustful desires in other people.

butterflybre21 · August 2013

Yes there is fault on both sides. And I have apologized for my part.

phira · August 2013

heidirs731 said:

phira said:

I'm not sure the Bible says anything about low-cut tops, honestly.

It is a common practice among the to church instruct it's members to dress modestly. Usually, it has something to do with not being provocative and creating lustful desires in other people.

Which sounds like it's more of a church tradition than something in the Bible itself.

How do you ask your guests to dress modest???

Re: How do you ask your guests to dress modest???

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