Mother in law at bachelorette party

katiep44312 · August 2013

What is the etiquette regarding bachelorette dinners? I am the mother of the groom, the bridesmaids, my daughters, mother of the bride and sister in law of the bride were invited, and I was not. Is this rude or am I being oversensitive?

misssunshine17 · August 2013

I think you are. Would you really have wanted your mother in law around when you're drinking out of a penis straw and men are buying you drinks? I wouldn't want mine there and she is fabulous and we're very close.

Are you talking about just dinner or the actual party? I think if the MOB was invited, maybe you could have been to the dinner part, but just a line of warning: if you get your panties in a twist over this stuff, you're going to turn into that mother in law and at the end of the day, your son will choose his wife, so let the small stuff go and don't make a wedge in your relationship over this kind of stuff.

doeydo · August 2013

A bachelor party is no place for a FMIL, in my opinion.

HisGirlFriday13 · August 2013

katiep44312 said:

What is the etiquette regarding bachelorette dinners? I am the mother of the groom, the bridesmaids, my daughters, mother of the bride and sister in law of the bride were invited, and I was not. Is this rude or am I being oversensitive?

I think you're being over-sensitive. My mother has been invited to my bachelorette dinner and party, because we are (a) going to hibachi for the dinner and (b) going on a vineyard tour after dinner and (c) my mother is one of my best friends and I specifically ASKED to have her there. My SIL will be there, too. No one from FI's side is invited to the bachelorette party, because (a) he's not close to any of them and (b) I'm not close to any of them and (c) this is really about the bride and her friends.

I ditto the PP about not getting your panties in a twist over this. If you make a big deal out of it to your son, and he takes it up with his FI, and she ends up inviting you, she'll feel resentful and you'll be causing problems in their marriage. Let it go. You won't always be invited to everything that she does, even the wedding-related stuff.

Someday, she might choose to have her mother in the delivery room with her when she gives birth to your grandchild. She might not let you be there. That's also not something you're allowed to feel hurt about, because it's HER body and HER pregnancy and HER delivery and HER decision.

This isn't personal, so don't make it personal.

snoopycac · August 2013

Normally the mother of the groom isn't invited. Picture your wedding, would you want your mother or mother-in-law with you and your girlfriends at the bar or club or wherever? It would probably be very awkward.

OliveOilsMom · August 2013

katiep44312 said:

What is the etiquette regarding bachelorette dinners? I am the mother of the groom, the bridesmaids, my daughters, mother of the bride and sister in law of the bride were invited, and I was not. Is this rude or am I being oversensitive?

I don't think there is really an etiquette to bachelorette dinners/parties other than anyone invited to those parties must also be invited to the wedding. I think it all depends on your relationship with your FDIL, as to whether you would be invited or not. I wanted my mom, FMIL, and my 9 year old niece, who was a BM, invited to the dinner portion of my b-party. My friend had her mom and MIL at the dinner portion of her b-party too. But I've also been to b-parties where non of the moms are invited. So don't take this personally, it was probably not meant to slight you.

MobKaz · August 2013

katiep44312 I have been a MOB and a MOG. I can understand how you might think this was a personal slight. My best suggestion is to not look for trouble where it doesn't exist.

Your FDIL may not even be aware of who was on the guest list, as the bride typically is not involved in the planning of such parties. It was thoughtful of the hostess to include your daughters, and I can see how that invitation makes you the sole person excluded. But if you read what other brides have written, you can agree that it could create for some awkward moments.

Having both a son and daughter, I have seen how I cannot anticipate, expect, or predict those things in which I might be included. If I took that personally, I would be carrying around a lot of unnecessary anger and hurt. Try not to do that with yourself. It's one small event.

WonderRed · August 2013

Assuming this is a penis straw kind of bachelorette party and not just a girls get away, I would say what everyone else is saying except that the MOB was included which makes me wonder what kind of party it was. I wouldn't want either mom there with me in that kind of environment so I just think that's kind of weird.

But OP, I wouldn't over think it. I doubt anyone was trying to make you feel excluded or wanting to be rude.

WinstonsGirl · August 2013

Where I'm from, Mom's and MIL's are always on the guest list for Stagettes, but I've learned here that this is not very common at all in the US. I wouldn't take it personally. I'm not sure of your relationship with FDIL, but she may be worried that you'll see something potentially embarrassing for her and make judgements in your mind about her. Not saying you would, but it may be a concern of hers.

I had only met my MIL twice before I got married, as she lives across the country from me. I didn't know her well enough at that point to know if she would be comfortable at something like a stagette or how she might feel about me marrying her son if I had been put in a compromising situation at the stagette. (I wasn't, and I was pretty sure she'd still be ok with everything, but you never know)

WildMagelet · August 2013

I think it really boils down to what type of relationship you have with your FDIL. You aren't required to be invited to everything bride-related, so try not to take it personal.

saric83 · August 2013

It's not rude at all. I agree with PP's that there is no etiquette for MOG being invite to bachelorette parties. I've often seen the MOB's being invited but rarely the MOG.

I have a wonderful relationship with my MIL, but she wasn't invited to my bachelorette, yet my mom and my stepmom were. Both of my moms know all of my friends, and I know they would be fine there. But if my MIL were invited, I would have felt like I needed to ensure she was comfortable, entertained, talking with people, etc.

TeddiD34 · August 2013

Sorry, but my FMIL would NEVER be invited to my bachelorette-type events. Not a place for a FMIL (unless you really like her and the activities are appropriate). Personally, I don't think mothers of any kind should be invited.

Just my opinion.

Dreamergirl8812 · August 2013

I would not invite any mothers to my bachelorette. If my mom came (for some reason), it would be fine because she's cool and she's my mom. I love my FMIL but I still want to impress her and would never want her at my bachelorette.

clg1213 · September 2013

Shower (i.e. girls' brunch, low-key, simple non-sexualized gathering) - I think MOG should be included

Bachelorette party (i.e. drinking, lingerie gifts, stripper, wearing mock veil to bars...) - No, I wouldn't include a MOG

cmclaire · September 2013

I am very fond of my FMIL but there is *no* way she will be invited to my hen do. It's a time to relax and enjoy myself with the girls.

jessicabessica · September 2013

If mother-of-the-bride was invited, I could see being a little hurt that you weren't. IMO, all the reasons for not inviting the moms (raunchiness, etc.) don't apply if you're inviting one mom but not the other, unless the bride has a very unique relationship with her own mother. I would try not to take it personally, though. As a PP said, the bride may not have had much of a say in the guestlist.

CheleLyn · September 2013

I simply ADORE my fmil and she has become a second mother to me. She has been extremely helpful during the planning, as has ffil. I've included her in on everything. I will add though that we live in a small town and with the exception of my out of state moh, she knows the wedding party personally and has seen them all grow up.

I told her that I fully expect she will be staying the night at the hotel with me and the rest of the girls and going out with us the night before the wedding. She said she may, but that ultimately she will probably stay home and let me have a fun night with just the girls without "Mom" hanging around. I will be a bit disappointed if she decides to not join us because she really has become one of my best friends.

Jen4948 · September 2013

I think there are times and places for FMILs to be invited, but a bachelorette party isn't one of them and that's probably why you weren't invited.

There is a tendency, especially in North America, for bachelorette parties to be on the racy side, and this could make the bride and other guests uncomfortable with attendees of previous generations being present. This is not to say that this is the reason you weren't invited, but it could be one of them.

Don't take it personally because it probably wasn't meant as an insult to you.

Itsthevix · September 2013

Yes, it was rude. I understand your feelings being hurt, since the MOB was invited. But please don't let it upset you too badly. She flubbed this one, but this is just one dinner, in a lifetime of family get togethers. In the grand scheme of things, this one evening isn't worth having negative feelings about.

ashleyep · September 2013

Itsthevix said:

Yes, it was rude. I understand your feelings being hurt, since the MOB was invited. But please don't let it upset you too badly. She flubbed this one, but this is just one dinner, in a lifetime of family get togethers. In the grand scheme of things, this one evening isn't worth having negative feelings about.

Why is it rude? Why does she have to invite the FMIL? I'm going to invite my mom and aunts to dinner and part of my party, but they won't be going out with us at night. My FSIL will be there because she is a bridesmaid, but my FMIL will not be invited. Sorry, it's my party with my friends.

arrippa · September 2013

Itsthevix said:

Yes, it was rude. I understand your feelings being hurt, since the MOB was invited. But please don't let it upset you too badly. She flubbed this one, but this is just one dinner, in a lifetime of family get togethers. In the grand scheme of things, this one evening isn't worth having negative feelings about.

There was no flubbing and it wasn't rude that FMIL wasn't invited. My mom and I are very close so she is invited to mine but I would never invite my FMIL and it doesn't make me rude. All things are not equal in my relationships.

MrsRadke · September 2013

If you want some special per-wedding time with her, take her to lunch or to get her nails done. Something that won't make her blush. I would be mortified if my FMIL saw me open lingerie I was going to wear for "her little boy."

PeachesNCream22 · September 2013

That's a tough one. I think it depends on your relationship. Can you laugh about dating stories with her? Get into naughty details? If not, maybe you should do something more tame as a special activity.

button6004 · September 2013

Itsthevix said:
Yes, it was rude. I understand your feelings being hurt, since the MOB was invited. But please don't let it upset you too badly. She flubbed this one, but this is just one dinner, in a lifetime of family get togethers. In the grand scheme of things, this one evening isn't worth having negative feelings about.

I completely disagree with you. It was not rude. The bride didn't "flub" anything. Seriously, it would be a cold day in hell before I wanted my FMIL invited to my bachelorette party.

OP, you need a thicker skin. You aren't the MOB, so you should not expect to be included in all of the bride-centered activities.

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

button6004 said:

Yes, it was rude. I understand your feelings being hurt, since the MOB was invited. But please don't let it upset you too badly. She flubbed this one, but this is just one dinner, in a lifetime of family get togethers. In the grand scheme of things, this one evening isn't worth having negative feelings about.
I completely disagree with you. It was not rude. The bride didn't "flub" anything. Seriously, it would be a cold day in hell before I wanted my FMIL invited to my bachelorette party. OP, you need a thicker skin. You aren't the MOB, so you should not expect to be included in all of the bride-centered activities.

This. Even if the bachelorette party isn't racy or risque or raunchy, it's a time for the bride to have fun with her friends, and not have to worry about having her FMIL along. Some women have great FMILs; some don't. If you're the kind (and I'm not saying you are, but IF you are) who's disapproving and judgemental, she might not want you along for that reason.

Majelin86 · September 2013

My mom, aunt, and future mother in law were invited to mine

scmurphy2010 · September 2013

I don't think you're being oversensitive but don't take it personally. I have a pretty good relationship with my FMIL and she'd be the first in line to see a Chippendales (she asked me to watch Magic Mike with her), but I would not want my FMIL to see me at my bachelorette party. When one of my friends had her bachelorette party, her mom joined us for dinner only and even then it was awkward. I think it's cool that you want to share as much as you can with your FDIL and I'm sure she enjoys spending time with you too. Just remember, this wedding experiance is hers and don't ruin it for her by making her feel uncomfortable. Try have a bachelorette (hangover) breakfast or shopping trip or something non-wedding related after.

Negazilla · September 2013

My mother and future mother in law will not be invited to anything bachelorette related.

Mother in law at bachelorette party

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