No Children Allowed

Kristen625 · September 2013

So my FI and I have a few friends with children, and would like to keep our wedding child free. We want to make it very clear on the invite that it is adults only because we have friends who have a monster child, who are also the type of people who would ignore the fact that it is a childless wedding if we simply just addressed the invite to them. Some wording we were thinking of at the bottom of the invite would be "we respectfully request adults only" or "we respectfully request no children". I have talked to my pregnant friend (who would have a 6 month old at the time of the wedding, and the youngest kid out of our friends) about this, and she said she has no problem with that, and is looking forward to an evening without a kid in tow. Anyways, any input from you ladies about proper wording on an invite about it being adults only would be great. Or if my suggestions would be fine and not offensive. Thanks!

kewlhopee · September 2013

You do not need to list who is not invited on your invitations. Just address the invitations to the adults who are invited to your wedding. When their children's names are not listed, they will figure out that the children are not invited.

Blue_Bird · September 2013

Unfortunately, the possibility that a few of your guests may be rude doesn't excuse your being rude to all of your guests. If someone responds by adding his or her children, you'll have to bite the bullet, call, and explain that the invitation was only for those it was addressed to.

banana468 · September 2013

Kristen625 said:

So my FI and I have a few friends with children, and would like to keep our wedding child free. We want to make it very clear on the invite that it is adults only because we have friends who have a monster child, who are also the type of people who would ignore the fact that it is a childless wedding if we simply just addressed the invite to them. Some wording we were thinking of at the bottom of the invite would be "we respectfully request adults only" or "we respectfully request no children". I have talked to my pregnant friend (who would have a 6 month old at the time of the wedding, and the youngest kid out of our friends) about this, and she said she has no problem with that, and is looking forward to an evening without a kid in tow. Anyways, any input from you ladies about proper wording on an invite about it being adults only would be great. Or if my suggestions would be fine and not offensive. Thanks!

As much as you'd like to write something, please don't. It's really rude to the rest of the guests to put in writing who you intend to exclude.

That said, you still have plenty of options:

1) Start with word of mouth now. If it comes up in context, you can say, "Hey if you guys need the name of a sitter just let us know," or "We hope you two can make it! Are your parents watching the little guy?"

2) Write out the response cards so guests just check ___accepts ___declines next to their names.

3) You can put a blurb on your wedding website saying something like, "We are happy to recommend babysitters to our guests with children."

And beyond that, if they respond that the child is attending, you need to call and say no. If they show up with the child, you need to make the choice of whether or not to turn them away or to make room for the kid.

Kristen625 · September 2013

What about just telling them in person? Really, they are the last people we haven't talked to about the no kids thing. Everyone else who has kids we have talked to, and they are fine with it. We haven't talked to them about it because we haven't seen them since getting engaged. I understand the true proper etiquette is to simply address the invite to the adults in the house, but like I said, they are the type to ignore that, and bring the kid anyways and claim "oh we didn't know that" And their kid is actually why we want it kid free. She doesn't discipline her kid at all, and he could very well be just hell on wheels through the whole thing and we will have no accommodations for him.

banana468 · September 2013

You can nicely say it. "Hey, since the guest list is just adults do you guys need the rec for a sitter?"

Kristen625 · September 2013

Well I guess this sparks another question. If we are making it clear no kids do we have to provide a sitter? Cause to me that sounds crazy. They are the parent and they should be the ones to provide for their kid(s). That shouldn't be my job.

misssunshine17 · September 2013

Kristen625 said:

Well I guess this sparks another question. If we are making it clear no kids do we have to provide a sitter? Cause to me that sounds crazy. They are the parent and they should be the ones to provide for their kid(s). That shouldn't be my job.

It isn't your job. Address the invites to Mr & Mrs. Whatever. If they try to add the child, call them say that the invite was only for XYZ. I would leave out the snotty remarks you wrote above.

Kristen625 · September 2013

misssunshine17 said:

Kristen625 said:

Well I guess this sparks another question. If we are making it clear no kids do we have to provide a sitter? Cause to me that sounds crazy. They are the parent and they should be the ones to provide for their kid(s). That shouldn't be my job.

It isn't your job. Address the invites to Mr & Mrs. Whatever. If they try to add the child, call them say that the invite was only for XYZ. I would leave out the snotty remarks you wrote above.

Trust me I can be very tactful when need be. I've kept my mouth shut around them about their kid this long. I have no problem continuing forever. But it's nice to know I don't have to provide a sitter.

banana468 · September 2013

Ditto PPs. No need to provide a sitter. If you know the name of one it's a nice thing to work into conversation.

Xstatic3333 · September 2013

You don't need to provide a sitter. I think PP were just suggesting mentioning sitter recommendations since its a "smooth" way to bring up the no-kids wedding. I agree about not putting it on the invites. Hopefully you won't have any problems; we didn't!

Bubbles2014 · September 2013

Invite the adults. If/when they ask or RSVP with their child just say the invite was just for Jane and Bob, not for little Sally and you hope they can still make it. If they say that they can't come without Sally then call their bluff and say they will be missed

Kristen625 · September 2013

Thank you ladies for all your suggestions! We will address the invite accordingly and if they ask I will be sure to tell them tactfully we aren't able to provide accommodations for their children.

WonderRed · September 2013

Word your RSVP cards

We have reserved x# seats for [names of invited guests.]

Teddy917 · September 2013

Just felt like pointing out that if this couple is the type to ignore the fact that only their names are on the invite, they'll probably ignore a "no kids" note on the invite.

thinkminx · September 2013

Our invitations will respectfully request for guests to be adult only and we appreciate your understanding and cooperation. If any guests find it to be in poor taste, they will probably chatter amongst themselves and for the most part, people do that anyways. People critique colors, font, attire, you name it. How silly for a guest to not treat it as "your house, your rules". If a guest were to call and say they can't attend, tell them you will miss them and say you understand. I might even make a joke and say "maybe next time!" This is your wedding, enjoy it and host it in the manner you want to!

annathy03 · September 2013

WonderRed said:

Word your RSVP cards

We have reserved x# seats for [names of invited guests.]

This is what we plan to do. It makes it clear only the couple is invited, but without stating "no kids".

cruffino · September 2013

thinkminx said:
Our invitations will respectfully request for guests to be adult only and we appreciate your understanding and cooperation. If any guests find it to be in poor taste, they will probably chatter amongst themselves and for the most part, people do that anyways. People critique colors, font, attire, you name it. How silly for a guest to not treat it as "your house, your rules". If a guest were to call and say they can't attend, tell them you will miss them and say you understand. I might even make a joke and say "maybe next time!" This is your wedding, enjoy it and host it in the manner you want to!

Translation: be as rude as you want because your guests are talking about you anyway!

Sharpschruter22 · September 2013

What wonder red said, only word it: We have reserved ......seats in your honor. It sounds better.

I did this, no kids and no problems.

hacked · September 2013

When I was a young mother, a friend who was recently engaged asked my husband and I out to dinner to meet her FI. While we were eating, they brought up the fact that they would not be inviting any children to the reception, and they did wanted us to know that before they mailed out the invitations. I had not seen this friend since my child was a week old (baby was 6 months old at the time we went to dinner) and I was actually not planning on bringing him to the wedding. I appreciated the fact that they actually asked us out to eat, and it also gave us a chance to meet her FI. I think that they did this with several other friends who had children, since she commented that they had had a few uncomfortable moments when telling friends that they were not inviting young children to the wedding. I think this was a nicer way to tell people- it was face to face, and saved her friends from getting a surprise in the mail in the order of an invitation addressed to just the adults. I am not a sports person, but don't they say a good offense if better than a good defense?

Jen4948 · September 2013

Aside from the fact that it's rude to put any kind of "adults only" or other message about who is not invited on invitations, people who don't care about your need for an adults-only wedding aren't going to pay attention to it. Don't lower yourself to their level.

With these people, you have to tell them by word of mouth and even be blunt: "Mary, John, Susie and Alex aren't invited. We cannot accommodate them at the wedding." And then stand firm and don't give in to pleas about how they can't find sitters, you're BFF, or the children won't disturb the wedding.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

Jen4948 said:

Aside from the fact that it's rude to put any kind of "adults only" or other message about who is not invited on invitations, people who don't care about your need for an adults-only wedding aren't going to pay attention to it. Don't lower yourself to their level.

With these people, you have to tell them by word of mouth and even be blunt: "Mary, John, Susie and Alex aren't invited. We cannot accommodate them at the wedding." And then stand firm and don't give in to pleas about how they can't find sitters, you're BFF, or the children won't disturb the wedding.

You have issues. Edited to take away my "attack."

atlastmrsg · September 2013

Don't feel badly! It's your special day. Not wanting screaming kids who still require a seat at a table, and hence an extra $100+ in catering/cake/rental fees, is nothing to feel guilty about. I'm doing the same thing. I've made very few "rules" about my wedding to family--I told the MOBs they can wear whatever colors, dresses, etc. they feel happy in, no need for male family members to buy new suits and ties in a certain color--and it's otherwise a laid back event. However, there will not be a crying baby that ruins my ceremony. My day of event planner's staff has firm instructions that if someone shows up with a baby, they won't be seated. The only exception to the no children rule is for a few very close family members, such as my fiance's godchild, who is 13 years old anyway, so is past the age of crying through a ceremony. None of these "children" are under 11 or 12, and their names were included on the invitation.

Here's what I've done.

1) Exactly what some other posters said--start with word of mouth. I've been talking up the quiet, historic charm of our venue. It's small, so we have to limit the number of people. Excluding kids = easy way to do that. It's only come up once--a pregnant friend said "oh, it can't be that big a deal because my baby will be 8 months old then and won't eat much." I stopped her immediately and said "sorry, this is a small space so it's an adult affair. I'm sure you'll enjoy a night out." She looked a little surprised at first, but she didn't say anything else.

2) On the RSVP cards, one line says "We've reserved ___ seat(s) for you and yours." Each invite card has the number filled in. So when a couple with children gets a card that says that we've reserved two seats for them, it's obvious that no seat for the kids.

3) On the online RSVP, the person types in their name. If they have a spouse or guest, those names or "Guest" pop up below it. There are no lines for them to check that their child will be attending, and no space for them to add a child.

4) I just started our wedding website this weekend, but it has a line about children in it in the "Guest Information" section. Here's what displays:

Hermitage Farm is a historic property where race horses and sport horses are bred and raised. The farm and manor house are a quiet, pastoral, and intimate setting for our wedding. The RSVP information included with your invitation indicates how many seats we have reserved for you and yours. If your children were not expressly invited, we would be happy to help you find a sitter to stay with the children at your hotel. Please ask Stacy about recommendations for local sitters who you may contact for availability, experience, and pricing, or consider searching sitter reviews at www.care.com. Then relax and enjoy a mature celebration with us!

5) Make your expectation very clear to your event planner so that s/he knows what to do if someone shows up with a baby/young child who isn't invited.

6) Emotionally prepare yourself. I've only had to tell one person no so far, but I don't have any problem with explaining to anyone who RSVPs and wants to add a child that the venue is small and historic, so we've chosen to have an adult celebration.

Itsthevix · September 2013

Where do you guys get these ideas about what is and is not okay to put on your invitations?? This is 2013 and honestly, you can put pretty much whatever you want in your invites, your program, your ceremony...

ABSOLUTELY put it on your invites that it is an adult-only event!! How are they supposed to know if you don't tell them? I am also having an adults-only wedding, and I've been CRYSTAL clear about it, especially since my 8 cousins each have about 4 kids. It's all about the wording and giving people plenty of notice, so they can plan for a sitter. THEY can plan for it, not you. And for the record, anyone who can't find a sitter with 3 months notice must have really awful kids.

"Our wedding venue is designed for the comfort and enjoyment of adults, and is not appropriate for children under the age of 18. Therefore, we ask that you take this opportunity to come and spend an adult-only evening with us, as we celebrate our marriage."

artbyallie · September 2013

While you can put whatever you'd like on your invitations, it remains rude to specify who is not invited. Why do you not get that?

Itsthevix · September 2013

I get that you believe that, and that's fine. For you. But it simply isn't true. The ONLY thing required of your wedding day is you, your Officiant, and the person you love. EVERYTHING else is subject to your personal preference, and life is too short to tip toe around people when it comes to a $20,000 investment. No etiquette police are going to give her a ticket for letting people know that the event is adults-only. And if someone who is lucky enough to be invited wants to sit around and critique her invite instead of just being happy for the couple, WHO CARES?? Your wedding is a great time to practice being an adult, and part of that is not being intimidated into cowing to the expectations of others, when they conflict with what is right for you.

I have been a Reverend for 4 years, and have performed many weddings for couples of all ages. And I have learned that the things that end up driving Brides insane is this never-ending pressure to navigate and adhere to all these ridiculous, arbitrary expectations people have around weddings, which are mostly based on nothing. You should plan your wedding your way. and she should plan her wedding her way. But there is NO one right way to celebrate your marriage, just like there is no one right way to love someone.

OliveOilsMom · September 2013

Itsthevix said:

I get that you believe that, and that's fine. For you. But it simply isn't true. The ONLY thing required of your wedding day is you, your Officiant, and the person you love. EVERYTHING else is subject to your personal preference, and life is too short to tip toe around people when it comes to a $20,000 investment. No etiquette police are going to give her a ticket for letting people know that the event is adults-only. And if someone who is lucky enough to be invited wants to sit around and critique her invite instead of just being happy for the couple, WHO CARES?? Your wedding is a great time to practice being an adult, and part of that is not being intimidated into cowing to the expectations of others, when they conflict with what is right for you.
I have been a Reverend for 4 years, and have performed many weddings for couples of all ages. And I have learned that the things that end up driving Brides insane is this never-ending pressure to navigate and adhere to all these ridiculous, arbitrary expectations people have around weddings, which are mostly based on nothing. You should plan your wedding your way. and she should plan her wedding her way. But there is NO one right way to celebrate your marriage, just like there is no one right way to love someone.

If the bolded is how you feel, then DO NOT invite anyone else to your wedding! A wedding stops being about just the bride and groom when they begin to invite other people to the event. As for a 20k investment, there is no investment. You aren't going to get that money back! It's a party, not a 401k! And if you are going about planning your reception with the goal of making every single penny back, you will be surely disappointed, I'm sure.

This is an etiquette board, we advise bride's how to throw a wedding with their guests comfort in mind. If you want a child-free wedding, then just address the invitation to the parents only. It is rude to put "Adults Only" anywhere on an invitation.

And to address a comment you made on another thread, we are being supportive of brides. We just aren't supportive of terrible ideas. The regs are here to help brides out with their questions. We promote a guest centric etiquette approach, so that B&G's won't be talked about behind their backs by family and also to still have their friends long after their wedding is done. I stopped being friends with someone after their wedding due to the way she treated us in the BP. I wasn't the only friend either, of the people in her BP, only her sisters still speak with her. Perhaps if she came onto TK, she would have changed her attitude and she might still have friends.

Itsthevix · September 2013

Etiquette - like language - is a living thing and it changes constantly. You can hold on to whatever tradition you want, but that doesn't mean it's a rule. Do what makes you comfortable, and trust others to make their own decisions, including whether or not to take advice on a website.

Like I said, you do your thing, and everyone else in the world will do theirs and I'm sure we'll all be just fine.

Have a great day!

crunchymamaof2 · September 2013

Itsthevix said:

I get that you believe that, and that's fine. For you. But it simply isn't true. The ONLY thing required of your wedding day is you, your Officiant, and the person you love. EVERYTHING else is subject to your personal preference, and life is too short to tip toe around people when it comes to a $20,000 investment. No etiquette police are going to give her a ticket for letting people know that the event is adults-only. And if someone who is lucky enough to be invited wants to sit around and critique her invite instead of just being happy for the couple, WHO CARES?? Your wedding is a great time to practice being an adult, and part of that is not being intimidated into cowing to the expectations of others, when they conflict with what is right for you.
I have been a Reverend for 4 years, and have performed many weddings for couples of all ages. And I have learned that the things that end up driving Brides insane is this never-ending pressure to navigate and adhere to all these ridiculous, arbitrary expectations people have around weddings, which are mostly based on nothing. You should plan your wedding your way. and she should plan her wedding her way. But there is NO one right way to celebrate your marriage, just like there is no one right way to love someone.

These arbitrary rules you speak of certainly aren't based on nothing. They're based on being a gracious host and treating your friends and family kindly and with respect.

Its obvious from your few recent posts you have very high self esteem and feel your wedding is solely about you and your partner. "and if someone is lucky enough to be invited.." is just crap. Being a gracious host is NOT "cowing to the expectations" of others. It's wanting to make your guests feel comfortable. A wedding is not an investment, and you aren't the only one who puts time and money into it. Some guests spend over $1000 after travel, gifts, accommodations, missing work, etc. They do it because they care about you. To then treat them as if they're stupid (saying adults only on invites for example) or act like they should be honored to be invited is horrible.

I completely understanding brides going crazy over traditions they think they have to follow but tradition is NOT the same as etiquette. It is very easy to plan your dream wedding while following etiquette to a T. Etiquette rarely, if ever, gets in the way of your wedding vision (unless you envision everyone sitting on the grass and having them stand for the entire reception)

Itsthevix · September 2013

Okay. You've stated your opinion and I stated mine. And we disagree. So what? Does a building implode somewhere now? Or does the world just keep on turning, because we're nothing more than strangers typing words on the internet, and it doesn't matter a bit if we agree or not? Hmmm... that's a toughie...

Have a great day!

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

Itsthevix said:

Where do you guys get these ideas about what is and is not okay to put on your invitations?? This is 2013 and honestly, you can put pretty much whatever you want in your invites, your program, your ceremony...
ABSOLUTELY put it on your invites that it is an adult-only event!! How are they supposed to know if you don't tell them? You address the invitation to who is invited, e.g. "Mr. and Mrs. Smith". If someone isn't listed on the invitation they're not invited..... it's not complicated. I am also having an adults-only wedding, and I've been CRYSTAL clear about it, especially since my 8 cousins each have about 4 kids. It's all about the wording and giving people plenty of notice, so they can plan for a sitter. THEY can plan for it, not you. And for the record, anyone who can't find a sitter with 3 months notice must have really awful kids.
"Our wedding venue is designed for the comfort and enjoyment of adults, and is not appropriate for children under the age of 18. Therefore, we ask that you take this opportunity to come and spend an adult-only evening with us, as we celebrate our marriage."

Itsthevix said:

I get that you believe that, and that's fine. For you. But it simply isn't true. The ONLY thing required of your wedding day is you, your Officiant, and the person you love. This is absolutely true. EVERYTHING else is subject to your personal preference, once you start inviting guests, it's not ONLY about you anymore and life is too short to tip toe around people when it comes to a $20,000 investment. Huh? A wedding isn't an investment. You will not see a return on it. No etiquette police are going to give her a ticket for letting people know that the event is adults-only. You're right. She won't get a citation. But the "ticket" you get for being a rude host is that people are offended and think you have no idea how to properly host people. If you don't care about offending people, that's even worse. And if someone who is lucky enough to be invited (really??) wants to sit around and critique her invite instead of just being happy for the couple, WHO CARES?? If they are offended because you were rude to them, YOU should care. Your wedding is a great time to practice being an adult, hopefully if you're getting married, you're already an adult... and part of that is not being intimidated into cowing to the expectations of others, when they conflict with what is right for you.
I have been a Reverend for 4 years, and have performed many weddings for couples of all ages. And I have learned that the things that end up driving Brides insane is this never-ending pressure to navigate and adhere to all these ridiculous, arbitrary expectations people have around weddings, which are mostly based on nothing. Being polite to people when you invite them to an event is really quite easy. If it drives a bride insane, she should probably take your advice and plan a wedding with only herself, her partner and an officiant. You should plan your wedding your way. and she should plan her wedding her way. But there is NO one right way to celebrate your marriage, just like there is no one right way to love someone.

Itsthevix said:

Etiquette - like language - is a living thing and it changes constantly. You can hold on to whatever tradition you want, but that doesn't mean it's a rule. Tradition =/= Etiquette (e.g. having your father walk you down the aisle = tradition; providing guests with a chair to sit in = etiquette) Do what makes you comfortable, and trust others to make their own decisions, including whether or not to take advice on a website.
Like I said, you do your thing, and everyone else in the world will do theirs and I'm sure we'll all be just fine.
Have a great day!

This is some of the worst advice I have ever seen on TK.

OP, I had a child free wedding. I handled it this way: I addressed the invitations to who was invited - e.g. "Mr. and Mrs. Smith". Then on the RSVP cards, I wrote:

"We look forward to celebrating with you!

___ # attending the ceremony

___ # attending the reception"

If anyone just marked an X or responded for more than were invited, we'd follow up. It was a non-issue. People aren't idiots. And if they are, they're going to ignore "adults only" anyway.

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