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Customs and Traditions

His parents want a church wedding, we don't. What do we do with his grandmother's stone?

Hi all,

We've just found out that fiance's parents are very upset that we aren't planning a church wedding.  Neither of is are religious, and my parents have realized this on their own and don't care, but he has been "going through the motions" for the past few years and they (particularly his mother) are totally blindsided by this new vision of their son.

I feel that we should probably stick to our guns, chiefly because we don't intend to baptize our future kids and if we cave now this whole issue will come roaring up again in a few years.  My parents are paying for whatever part of the wedding we can't cover on our own, within reason.

Thing is, the center stone of my three-stone engagement ring was his maternal grandmother's.  She was a very religious woman, and as a result so is his mother's side of the family.  I'm now feeling really uncomfortable about wearing his family's beloved deceased grandmother's stone in my engagement ring, since she definitely wouldn't approve of the non-church wedding if she we're alive.  

My fiance feels that whoever it used to belong to, he gave me the stone and it is now mine, end of story.  I'm not so sure.  I really like his family, and while I'm willing to make people uncomfortable by having a non-church wedding, I don't want to cause pain by wearing her stone while doing something she wouldn't approve of.  On the other hand, I worry giving it back would seem a very final form of rejection that could damage in-law relations very seriously, perhaps permanently. I don't want that either.

Re: His parents want a church wedding, we don't. What do we do with his grandmother's stone?

  • I think this should be your FIs decision, since it was his family. Unless his mother has said something, I think you're making an issue out of nothing. 

    melbelleupCLoGreenEyesvmj23
  • Ditto MissSunshine. Unless they've asked for it back, you're borrowing trouble. Don't worry about it.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    melbelleupItjustgotreal
  • Thank you both, FI keeps saying the same thing.  He's also pointing out that this stone was just in a cocktail ring before.  So I'll listen to you both, and stop worrying until I have to.
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Kara71428 said:
    Hi all,

    We've just found out that fiance's parents are very upset that we aren't planning a church wedding.  Neither of is are religious, and my parents have realized this on their own and don't care, but he has been "going through the motions" for the past few years and they (particularly his mother) are totally blindsided by this new vision of their son.

    I feel that we should probably stick to our guns, chiefly because we don't intend to baptize our future kids and if we cave now this whole issue will come roaring up again in a few years.  My parents are paying for whatever part of the wedding we can't cover on our own, within reason.

    Thing is, the center stone of my three-stone engagement ring was his maternal grandmother's.  She was a very religious woman, and as a result so is his mother's side of the family.  I'm now feeling really uncomfortable about wearing his family's beloved deceased grandmother's stone in my engagement ring, since she definitely wouldn't approve of the non-church wedding if she we're alive.  

    My fiance feels that whoever it used to belong to, he gave me the stone and it is now mine, end of story.  I'm not so sure.  I really like his family, and while I'm willing to make people uncomfortable by having a non-church wedding, I don't want to cause pain by wearing her stone while doing something she wouldn't approve of.  On the other hand, I worry giving it back would seem a very final form of rejection that could damage in-law relations very seriously, perhaps permanently. I don't want that either.

    The stone is a gift, so enjoy it and don't think about giving it back ever. As far as the wedding, it would be disrespectful to their religion to play act the ceremony, if you're not a believer.
  • "As far as the wedding, it would be disrespectful to their religion to play act the ceremony, if you're not a believer."

    I totally agree.  
    melbelleupscmurphy2010
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The only one that could truly make that decision would be the grandmother, and she is no longer here to do that.  If she was a very religious woman, I would hope that she would not base her affections and judgment of you solely on whether you belonged to a church.  You love her grandson and make him happy.  You are both good for each other and good to each other.  That would be enough for most people.
    Simply Fatedthefuturemrshawks
  • Agree with PPs. Stick to your guns about the non-church ceremony. Keep the stone unless FMIL has asked for it back. 
    scmurphy2010
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'd feel free to keep the stone.  She didn't make the gift to you conditional on your having a religious wedding.

    As for your FILs, the fact that the wedding won't be religious is something they'll have to get over.  Let your FI handle this issue with them.  The PPs who say that play-acting a religious wedding when you don't believe in the traditions and vows you are making is disrespectful to those who do are 100% right.
  • maryemoomaryemoo Fort Wayne, Indiana member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I had the same issue with my mom-she wanted us to have a church wedding because she sees herself as Catholic. Both my fiancé and I have denounced our religions and are having a non-religious ceremony...to have it in a church, or to have a priest officiate would be wrong. Stick to your guns, keep the stone unless the bring it up.
  • I also agree that it would be rude to the religion to fake having a religious ceremony. If you aren't religious, then explain this to the family and say that you wouldn't want to insult the religion, although you haven't chose it for your own religion, you do respect it.

     

    Also, the ring is a gift, keep it and cherish it.

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