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I feel like I'm planning someone else's party, not my wedding.

MDbride1012MDbride1012 member
100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes

        My FI and I have been planning our wedding for about 2 months now. When we first started we were going between a destination wedding (what I wanted) and a wedding here at home (what he wanted) during the fall (my favorite time of year). After talking about everything I agreed to get married here, so that our friends and family could be present, as long as it could be during the fall. My FI agreed.

     Fast forward two months and his family has talked him out of what we agreed on, and into an April wedding. I don't want this at all. They aren't paying for the wedding, we are. Their reasoning is because his mom is moving some time next summer. Why can't she fly or even drive here for the wedding? She is moving 3 hours away for God sake. I told FI last night that I feel like I am planning someone else's party at this point, and not our wedding . He told me he just wants to make his mom happy. Shouldn't he want to make me happy? I gave up my dream of being married on the beach in the Caribbean, just the two of us. His response was to plan my fall wedding (colors, foods, flowers, etc) for April. I told him that it would be absolutely ridiculous and if I had to have a spring wedding I would plan appropriately. I didn't mention that I talked to a florist and caterer and they both said out of season selections would drive the prices way up.

     At this point, I am not even excited about the wedding planning. I feel like I have given up so much (location, preferred color scheme, food, flowers) and nobody else is willing to budge at all. Am I being unreasonable? If I am please set me straight! I just don't know what to do at this point.

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Re: I feel like I'm planning someone else's party, not my wedding.

  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2013

    I'm going to pull out the ol' "seriously consider this" advice.  Does your FI usually cave to mom's wants?  Is he unable to stand up to her?  If she thinks you need to move your whole wedding because she doesn't want to travel 3 hours and your FI agrees, you've got a FI problem.

    What will happen when you want to buy a new house?  Will she get a say in which one?  The location?  What about when you want to have kids?  Will she get to determine how many?  Or when?  What to name them?  How to raise them?

    My point is, think about your FI's relationship to his mother.  If he constantly caves to her, YOU will be miserable for the rest of her life. Yes, you love your FI deeply, but can you live like that for 40+ more years?

    FWIW, I think it's ridiculous that your FI agreed to move the wedding.  It seemed like you two had a nice compromise of location and time of year already.

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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    tawillers said:

    FWIW, I think it's ridiculous that your FI agreed to move the wedding.  It seemed like you two had a nice compromise of location and time of year already.

    as in, "agreed to move the wedding without consulting you."


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  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    Yes, what @hmonkey said.  Sorry I wasn't clear.

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  • MDbride1012MDbride1012 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper

        As in, he came home from having dinner with her and informed me that "we really need to move the wedding. I told mom I'm sure you wouldn't mind." I told him I definitely mind, an that in no way was this ok. I even told him that I personally would talk to his mom, but he doesn't want me to. She is a manipulative person in general, and very good at getting other people to do what she wants. I however, was always taught by my parents to stand up for myself, so I have never been one to back down to her.

         Apparently she had the nerve to call my venue this morning and try to move the date on her own. They called me about an hour ago and let me know. It took everything in my power not to drive to her house and punch her in the face (I'm just kidding... Kinda)

         As far as FI goes, he's a very soft spoken person. It's why we are so great together, I am the high-strung one and he is super laid back. He balances me out. He is so worried about making everyone around him happy, and feels like he has to be my middle man. I told him to let me handle his mom. I honestly can't wait until she moves!

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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    it might not get better if she moves. picture driving to her house every weekend.

    so is he back on board with the fall wedding?
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  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Cut her out of decisions. Call her up and be firm on the fact that you want a fall wedding and that it isn't an option to move it. I would even consider offering to pay for her hotel room if the distance will be a concern as an olive branch. Then cut her off. Don't inform her of anything. She'll know the time and place when she gets the save the date like everyone else. Let the vendors know that they are to work with you and not her. That is absolutely unacceptable for her to call the venue and try to change the date on you! If she is going to go behind your back, they it pretty much forces you to go behind hers. 
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  • MDbride1012MDbride1012 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper

         He apologized and told me that he will not discuss anything about the wedding with her from this point out. He told me he wants me to have a wedding that makes me happy, and appreciates that I was willing to get married here and not have a destination wedding.

         While he sometimes does things without thinking, he is always quick to apologize if he realizes he was in the wrong.

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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    You have a FI problem, not a FMIL problem. You said he apologized -- but does that mean he's moving the date back to the fall? Because, yes, what YOU want is more important than what HIS MOTHER wants. And, quite frankly, it's none of her business when the wedding is. If she doesn't like it, well too bad. She's not paying for it and it's not her wedding.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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