etiquette

kefryar · August 2013

Is there anyone else in here who thinks that a LOT of rules of wedding etiquette are outdated? People over on the etiquette board are generally horrified by me.

daniloveshim2012 · September 2013

Thank you for saying so!! Why do ancient rules have to dictate "our" day. Isn't that what it's about? Celebrating "our" wedding? Not throwing a party for our overly judgemental friends (at least thats how certain blogs make them sound)? Aren't traditions meaningfull past times that are passed down? Well all these "traditions" and "etiquette" have never had any place in my family!! I just skim over the "you're supposed to" parts and usually don't post my opinion.

Sorry for all the quotes. I just wanted to emphasize how silly i thought it all was!

I'm looking forward to my non traditional, no rules, very cheap, wedding!! As far as I am concerned I can do whatever the heck I want, and I do not think the wedding police will crash my party!

biojess · September 2013

Thank you for bringing this up. Definitely there's lots of stuff that seems purely rediciulous. Many of the rules are so old that they don't really apply anymore. Plus, having a less traditional and less formal wedding denfitely means that what's appropriate is a little different. It is important to consider the comfort of one's guests, but that doesn't mean you have to strictly follow all of the preset rules and traditions.

tristins_mommy · September 2013

Last time I brought that up I got chewed out by the etiquette police LOL.

I think all the old traditions are stupid, but that's just me. Here's a few of our non-traditional ideas:
- Outdoor wedding and reception (under a tent of course)
- Cash bar (gonna catch hell for that, but that's how we do it here)
- Hubby is making all the food, buffet style
- JOP with vows written our way
- No traditional terms - forget Bridal Party and MOH, we are doing Wedding Posse, Partner in Crime (MOH and Best Man) and something else funny for the rest
- No ring bearer/flower girl
- My kids are "giving me away", also going to be done in a comical way
- Invitations look like band flyers
- Live, local alternative/metal bands playing after midnight to close out the night
- No "traditional" pictures allowed! Have fun with it!!

A wedding is YOUR day and you should have it your way. We are having exactly what WE want, but are informing everyone about the music through the invitations. Our friends and family know us and would expect nothing less than an epic party.

Gustafson28 · September 2013

It's stops being your day when you invite people. As long as you hosts your guests properly it doesn't matter what else you do.

emmyg65 · September 2013

A lot of times people confuse what they think People Should Do with etiquette. If you read a lot of Miss Manners (which I highly recommend because she's one smart and sassy lady), you'll see that etiquette is mainly about making people feel comfortable, rather than Rules for Rules Sake. The only thing on Tristins_mommy's list that actually pertains to etiquette is the cash bar, and that really is a regional/cultural thing.

The important thing when planning a wedding is to plan something that's authentic to you and to treat your guests politely, with adequate food for the time of day, something to drink (doesn't need to be alcoholic), a place to sit, and a generally comfortable atmosphere.

kefryar · September 2013

Gustafson28 said:

It's stops being your day when you invite people. As long as you hosts your guests properly it doesn't matter what else you do.

Clearly, you want to take your guests comfort into account, but I do believe that there's a huge difference between not offering your guests a seat (clearly bad manners) and offering your guests a seat that some may find uncomfortable (ex, hay bales, picnic blankets, outdoor weddings). I think that yes, you ARE throwing a party, but it is exactly that, YOU are throwing a party. A guest would never come into my house and complain that my couch is uncomfortable, so why would they think that they would have license to do this at a wedding?

WildMagelet · September 2013

I think a lot of times people confuse tradition with etiquette. Etiquette is all about being a gracious host and making your guests comfortable. Traditions are just "stuff we do around here/in my family/in my circle/etc." My FI frequently gets the two confused a lot.

Like PP said, the only thing technically against etiquette posted by tristans_mommy is the cash bar, but some circles find them socially acceptable so people do them anyways.

I'm all for outdoor weddings and agree that any seat is better than no seat, but I personally wouldn't expect older guests or those wearing skirts to have to get up and down on a picnic blanket. Hay bales? Picnic tables? Benches? All great alternatives to chairs.

Oftentimes the guests won't complain to your face, but they may judge quietly or behind your back. That's one of the reasons why I appreciate the bluntness of the E-board, as they often are willing to say things that friends & families wouldn't because they don't want to hurt feelings.

darlinganastasia · September 2013

the etiquette board hates me. I give "terrible advice", so they say. I believe that we should be good hosts but i draw the line at poo-pooing the people who want a big wedding after having a civil ceremony. renewing vows vs "wedding" is dumb to me. we dont know the reasons why these people chose to have a civil ceremony first but its not for us to tell them "no, you cant call it a wedding because you married already". It frustrates the crap out of me.

kefryar · September 2013

flutterbride2b said:

I think a lot of times people confuse tradition with etiquette. Etiquette is all about being a gracious host and making your guests comfortable. Traditions are just "stuff we do around here/in my family/in my circle/etc." My FI frequently gets the two confused a lot.

Like PP said, the only thing technically against etiquette posted by tristans_mommy is the cash bar, but some circles find them socially acceptable so people do them anyways.

I'm all for outdoor weddings and agree that any seat is better than no seat, but I personally wouldn't expect older guests or those wearing skirts to have to get up and down on a picnic blanket. Hay bales? Picnic tables? Benches? All great alternatives to chairs.

Oftentimes the guests won't complain to your face, but they may judge quietly or behind your back. That's one of the reasons why I appreciate the bluntness of the E-board, as they often are willing to say things that friends & families wouldn't because they don't want to hurt feelings.

flutterbride2b

Honestly I have no idea why I threw out picnic blankets, it's a terrible idea and we had to book a venue with a ramp specifically for your reasoning. Also, my dad is deathly allergic to hay, so also terrible idea, haha.

I just feel like it's extremely hypocritical for guests to complain that the bride and groom were terrible hosts and then badmouth them, as I was taught that gossip is rude and never acceptable. It's like ettiqute rules completely ignore the fact that speaking badly of someone, especially someone's wedding is in horribly poor taste.

kefryar · September 2013

darlinganastasia said:

the etiquette board hates me. I give "terrible advice", so they say. I believe that we should be good hosts but i draw the line at poo-pooing the people who want a big wedding after having a civil ceremony. renewing vows vs "wedding" is dumb to me. we dont know the reasons why these people chose to have a civil ceremony first but its not for us to tell them "no, you cant call it a wedding because you married already". It frustrates the crap out of me.

darlinganastasia
Yeah, we have friends who are having a second recepition. I guess they're allowed to call it what they want, haha.

WildMagelet · September 2013

@darlinganastasia

I think the big thing for weddings vs vow-renewals is that some people are offended by "do-over" weddings for people who didn't get what they "deserve." Some people act like their marriage isn't special or valid just because they didn't have certain things for their wedding based on their own choices that they made at the time. There are also some different etiquette guidelines for vow renewals vs. weddings. My dad had a JOP and a VR for his 10 yr anniversary to my stepmom. My stepmom always called it a "wedding" when we're talking about but aside from asking for no gifts and referring to it at as "the wedding" in plain conversation instead of "the vow renewal" she followed all other etiquette guidelines appropriate to VRs. Personally the word usage doesn't bother me as much as the attitude that oftentimes goes with it.

I know the E board can be blunt but they won't condone poor etiquette, especially on the etiquette board. I think the thing to recognize is that etiquette can be different from the traditions that we're used to and while something may not bother us on a personal level, it still is still against proper etiquette. Cash bars are a common thing in FI's circle, as are reception-only invites. I've never been to a wedding without a dollar dance.

@kefryar Hay wouldn't work for everyone, and sitting on hay is *itchy* but I've seen some people make covered haybales work for them (although honestly, buying haybales is more expensive than renting chairs around here.)

You're right, it is inappropriate for people to judge or complain, but people do. IMO as long as I'm being a gracious host then I've done everything I can and they won't have anything legitimate to complain about.

Gustafson28 · September 2013

flutterbride2b said:

@darlinganastasia

I think the big thing for weddings vs vow-renewals is that some people are offended by "do-over" weddings for people who didn't get what they "deserve." Some people act like their marriage isn't special or valid just because they didn't have certain things for their wedding based on their own choices that they made at the time. There are also some different etiquette guidelines for vow renewals vs. weddings. My dad had a JOP and a VR for his 10 yr anniversary to my stepmom. My stepmom always called it a "wedding" when we're talking about but aside from asking for no gifts and referring to it at as "the wedding" in plain conversation instead of "the vow renewal" she followed all other etiquette guidelines appropriate to VRs. Personally the word usage doesn't bother me as much as the attitude that oftentimes goes with it.

I know the E board can be blunt but they won't condone poor etiquette, especially on the etiquette board. I think the thing to recognize is that etiquette can be different from the traditions that we're used to and while something may not bother us on a personal level, it still is still against proper etiquette. Cash bars are a common thing in FI's circle, as are reception-only invites. I've never been to a wedding without a dollar dance.

@kefryar Hay wouldn't work for everyone, and sitting on hay is *itchy* but I've seen some people make covered haybales work for them (although honestly, buying haybales is more expensive than renting chairs around here.)

You're right, it is inappropriate for people to judge or complain, but people do. IMO as long as I'm being a gracious host then I've done everything I can and they won't have anything legitimate to complain about.

Couldn't have said it better!

nebullama · September 2013

kefryar said:
I just feel like it's extremely hypocritical for guests to complain that the bride and groom were terrible hosts and then badmouth them, as I was taught that gossip is rude and never acceptable. It's like ettiqute rules completely ignore the fact that speaking badly of someone, especially someone's wedding is in horribly poor taste.

You know I think this is where some etiquette discussions go awry. In my mind, good manners (i.e. etiquette) is not so much about preventing others from judging you, it is about preventing your guests from feeling insulted, uncomfortable, or slighted.

For example, a few years ago my FI and I were invited to the latter part of a tiered reception. At the time I didn't really think of it in terms of specific etiquette rules, had never even heard the term "tiered reception", but it really ticked me off. I truly felt like it was a gift grabby slap in the face.

So when people on the E board say that such things will make your guests feel insulted because they were not good enough to witness the wedding ceremony, or be served dinner, but were good enough to bring you a gift, they are absolutely right. Bad manners really do hurt people, and it is a rotten way to treat your friends and family.

GypsyWife_ · September 2013

daniloveshim2012 said:
Thank you for saying so!! Why do ancient rules have to dictate "our" day. Isn't that what it's about? Celebrating "our" wedding? Not throwing a party for our overly judgemental friends (at least thats how certain blogs make them sound)? Aren't traditions meaningfull past times that are passed down? Well all these "traditions" and "etiquette" have never had any place in my family!! I just skim over the "you're supposed to" parts and usually don't post my opinion.

Sorry for all the quotes. I just wanted to emphasize how silly i thought it all was!

I'm looking forward to my non traditional, no rules, very cheap, wedding!! As far as I am concerned I can do whatever the heck I want, and I do not think the wedding police will crash my party!

Is this you?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSkHMSKgIWs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

MobKaz · September 2013

tristins_mommy said:

Last time I brought that up I got chewed out by the etiquette police LOL.

I think all the old traditions are stupid, but that's just me. Here's a few of our non-traditional ideas:
- Outdoor wedding and reception (under a tent of course)
In our area, there is NOTHING non-traditional about this. In fact, it is a TYPICAL suburban wedding.
- Cash bar (gonna catch hell for that, but that's how we do it here)
Nothing non-traditional about this either. Just impolite, rude, and in poor taste.
- Hubby is making all the food, buffet style
- JOP with vows written our way
Nothing non-traditional about having a JOP or writing your own vows.
- No traditional terms - forget Bridal Party and MOH, we are doing Wedding Posse, Partner in Crime (MOH and Best Man) and something else funny for the rest
Also not non-traditional. Just lame.
- No ring bearer/flower girl
They're never necessary.
- My kids are "giving me away", also going to be done in a comical way
- Invitations look like band flyers
- Live, local alternative/metal bands playing after midnight to close out the night
- No "traditional" pictures allowed! Have fun with it!!

A wedding is YOUR day and you should have it your way. We are having exactly what WE want, but are informing everyone about the music through the invitations. Why would you need to "inform" people about your music? Our friends and family know us and would expect nothing less than an epic party. I prefer weddings to take the tone in which they were meant....serious. If I wanted comedy, I'd book tickets at the local improv club.

Majelin86 · September 2013

mobkaz said:

tristins_mommy said:

Last time I brought that up I got chewed out by the etiquette police LOL.

I think all the old traditions are stupid, but that's just me. Here's a few of our non-traditional ideas:
- Outdoor wedding and reception (under a tent of course)
In our area, there is NOTHING non-traditional about this. In fact, it is a TYPICAL suburban wedding.
- Cash bar (gonna catch hell for that, but that's how we do it here)
Nothing non-traditional about this either. Just impolite, rude, and in poor taste.
- Hubby is making all the food, buffet style
- JOP with vows written our way
Nothing non-traditional about having a JOP or writing your own vows.
- No traditional terms - forget Bridal Party and MOH, we are doing Wedding Posse, Partner in Crime (MOH and Best Man) and something else funny for the rest
Also not non-traditional. Just lame.
- No ring bearer/flower girl
They're never necessary.
- My kids are "giving me away", also going to be done in a comical way
- Invitations look like band flyers
- Live, local alternative/metal bands playing after midnight to close out the night
- No "traditional" pictures allowed! Have fun with it!!

A wedding is YOUR day and you should have it your way. We are having exactly what WE want, but are informing everyone about the music through the invitations. Why would you need to "inform" people about your music? Our friends and family know us and would expect nothing less than an epic party. I prefer weddings to take the tone in which they were meant....serious. If I wanted comedy, I'd book tickets at the local improv club.

I would post my ideas but I'd get chewed out by all of the etiquette police :S. I already have for saying that I have a 2 hour gap between my wedding and reception.

kefryar · September 2013

Majelin86tristins_mommy

Haha, to make everyone feel better, I am not doing everything the "traditional" way either.

1. I have a gap b/t my wedding and reception. So what? I am doing a cocktail hour.

2. I'm sending out two different types of save the dates-one type to the wedding party, one to the rest of the guests.

3. I'm using lace, burlap, and mason jars *GASP*

4. My bridesmaids gift are robes (which they can use to get ready the morning of), I don't think it's selfish as I'm not having bridesmaid put all over them, but most people think i'm terrible.

5. I'm not doing a champagne toast/garter toss/bouquet toss.

6. I'm buying wine from trader joes or aldi.

7. Buffet dinner.

8. Cupcakes.

9. Dog in wedding. Might bark.

10. Giving some a plus one, not all.

Point is, as long as guests aren't uncomfortab;e, who cares.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

tristins_mommy said:

Last time I brought that up I got chewed out by the etiquette police LOL.

I think all the old traditions are stupid, but that's just me. Here's a few of our non-traditional ideas: Tradition =/= Etiquette, just FYI
- Outdoor wedding and reception (under a tent of course)
We had an outdoor wedding also. There's nothing wrong with this from an etiquette perspective.
- Cash bar (gonna catch hell for that, but that's how we do it here)
This is an etiquette faux pas because you are passing on the cost of the party you want to have but can't afford (a party with alcohol) to your guests. If you can't afford to have alcohol, don't have it. If you can afford it, host it.
- Hubby is making all the food, buffet style
Nothing wrong with this from an etiquette perspective. Sounds nice.
- JOP with vows written our way
We wrote our own ceremony and vows. Nothing wrong with this from an etiquette perspective.
- No traditional terms - forget Bridal Party and MOH, we are doing Wedding Posse, Partner in Crime (MOH and Best Man) and something else funny for the rest
Nothing wrong with this from an etiquette perspective. I recall this thread - all people said was that it might be confusing. No one told you you were breaking etiquette.
- No ring bearer/flower girl
Nothing wrong with this from an etiquette perspective.
- My kids are "giving me away", also going to be done in a comical way
Nothing wrong with this from an etiquette perspective.
- Invitations look like band flyers
Nothing wrong with this from an etiquette perspective.
- Live, local alternative/metal bands playing after midnight to close out the night
I recall this thread. People told you heavy metal might be uncomfortable for guests and they would leave. Just being honest.
- No "traditional" pictures allowed! Have fun with it!!
You can take whatever pictures you want. Or no pictures. Nothing wrong with that from an etiquette perspective.

A wedding is YOUR day and you should have it your way. We are having exactly what WE want, but are informing everyone about the music through the invitations. Our friends and family know us and would expect nothing less than an epic party.

I think you're confusing tradition and etiquette. There's nothing wrong with being nontraditional - it's great! That's why there's a board dedicated to it. There IS something wrong with not hosting people properly. That's why there's an etiquette board.

Breaking tradition would be like having your kids "give you away" instead of your dad. This doesn't affect your guests at all, so who cares? Breaking etiquette would be not providing your guests with somewhere to sit down or passing on the cost of your party to them (e.g. cash bar).

[Deleted User] · September 2013

I don't think etiquette has to do with a lot of what you're discussing (PP's have covered that already) but I do think that all brides should be mindful of their guests, and whether their decisions are negatively impacting them. Making your guests wait for an excessive amount of time between your ceremony and reception IS being inconsiderate to them. Having guests shell out money for drinks IS inconsiderate- there's nothing wrong with a partial bar (wine, beer, maybe 1 signature cocktail if you like) if a full bar is too expensive to cover. There's nothing wrong with a dry wedding either.

Wear what you want, call your wedding party what you want, but be a gracious host. These people are supposed to be your nearest and dearest, treat them well and it's all good.

JMO.

crunchymamaof2 · September 2013

kefryar said:

Majelin86tristins_mommy

Haha, to make everyone feel better, I am not doing everything the "traditional" way either.

1. I have a gap b/t my wedding and reception. So what? I am doing a cocktail hour.
A cocktail hour isn't a gap. A cocktail hour is the beginning of your reception and is how to properly host your guests between ceremony and dinner. Having 1+ hours between ceremony and the start of the reception with nothing for your guests to do is a gap, and is horrendously rude.
2. I'm sending out two different types of save the dates-one type to the wedding party, one to the rest of the guests.
What is the purpose of this? As long as everyone got the same general info this isn't a big deal.

3. I'm using lace, burlap, and mason jars *GASP*
Because those will send you straight to hell. Cover yourself in lace and burlap, no one cares.

4. My bridesmaids gift are robes (which they can use to get ready the morning of), I don't think it's selfish as I'm not having bridesmaid put all over them, but most people think i'm terrible.
If you get them something that benefits YOU (ie so they look a certain way in pictures, match, etc) then it's not a thank you gift. A robe in itself isn't a terrible gift, and if you're not having "bridesmaid" put on it then it's not the worst gift I've heard. As long as you don't demand they wear them while getting ready.

5. I'm not doing a champagne toast/garter toss/bouquet toss.
None of those are necessary.

6. I'm buying wine from trader joes or aldi.
Hey save the money where you can. That's fine.

7. Buffet dinner.
Again, No

8. Cupcakes.
Big

9. Dog in wedding. Might bark.
Deal

10. Giving some a plus one, not all.
Why would some single guests get to bring a date/friend but not others? I don't technically think there's a "rule" against this, it's just weird and doesn't make much sense. Like, how do you decide which single person(s) are special enough to get a date/friend? Seriously?

Point is, as long as guests aren't uncomfortab;e, who cares.

Apparently, non of you "etiquette haters" don't know how to read. It's been stated time and time (and time) and again that tradition is NOT the same as etiquette. By claiming you'd be "chewed out" for things that have nothing to do with etiquette is simply a way to create drama and get attention. See the bolded.

Are you guys trying to have a pissing contest to see who can be the worst host at their wedding? Geez.

WonderRed · September 2013

Tradition and etiquette are two totally different things. Offbeat means bucking tradition, ie having your wedding on party pontoons in the middle of a lake then jumping into the lake after being pronounced husband & wife, not having any attendants, walking down the aisle to the theme from the Simpsons, using your dog for a ring bearer, skipping the bouquet toss, etc. (all things I've seen done at wonderful weddings I've attended). Offbeat does not mean ignoring basic etiquette and being inconsiderate of your guests comfort by having them sit in 100 degree heat in the middle of a field with no shade or water or pushing an outdoor wedding when it's 30 degrees and snowing and not offering any way to help them stay warm, leaving them hanging for an hour with no food or drinks between the ceremony & reception, asking for cash as a gift, dictating what they wear, pointing out who is not invited, etc.

We're having a very non traditional wedding but we are still properly hosting our guests and going out of the way to make sure they are comfortable.

darlinganastasia · September 2013

I have been to a few weddings that was a cash bar for booze and I have never thought anything bad about the couple or parents or any host in general. I drank water or punch or whatever was free, mostly because I didn't have any cash on me.

I personally do not feel its in bad taste. They invited me to share their day, fed me, gave me cake and I was thankful. I think it would be in poor taste to have to buy my dinner at a wedding.

@flutterbride2b- wedding "do overs" are rude. but i personally thing theres a difference between a couple getting married quickly and quietly before deployment and saving the "wedding" for their families until he gets back and a couple who couldn't afford to have a big wedding so they are now having the wedding they wanted. I have 2 friends who have done this and I think its perfectly fine. 1 is the above mentioned deployment and the second was because my friend wanted her grandfather to see her get married because his health was failing, and its good that she did because he passes 2 months later. There was no gifts or anything. just a quick courthouse and a family bbq. I don't think thee fall into the category of "do-overs" but that could be me.

Of course I also do not get offended easily and over things like a bar being open or cash or people having a "do over" wedding.

kefryar · September 2013

acove2006 said:

kefryar said:

Majelin86tristins_mommy

Haha, to make everyone feel better, I am not doing everything the "traditional" way either.

1. I have a gap b/t my wedding and reception. So what? I am doing a cocktail hour.

A cocktail hour isn't a gap. A cocktail hour is the beginning of your reception and is how to properly host your guests between ceremony and dinner. Having 1+ hours between ceremony and the start of the reception with nothing for your guests to do is a gap, and is horrendously rude.

2. I'm sending out two different types of save the dates-one type to the wedding party, one to the rest of the guests.

What is the purpose of this? As long as everyone got the same general info this isn't a big deal.

3. I'm using lace, burlap, and mason jars *GASP*

Because those will send you straight to hell. Cover yourself in lace and burlap, no one cares.

4. My bridesmaids gift are robes (which they can use to get ready the morning of), I don't think it's selfish as I'm not having bridesmaid put all over them, but most people think i'm terrible.

If you get them something that benefits YOU (ie so they look a certain way in pictures, match, etc) then it's not a thank you gift. A robe in itself isn't a terrible gift, and if you're not having "bridesmaid" put on it then it's not the worst gift I've heard. As long as you don't demand they wear them while getting ready.

5. I'm not doing a champagne toast/garter toss/bouquet toss.

None of those are necessary.

6. I'm buying wine from trader joes or aldi.

Hey save the money where you can. That's fine.

7. Buffet dinner.

Again, No

8. Cupcakes.

Big

9. Dog in wedding. Might bark.

Deal

10. Giving some a plus one, not all.

Why would some single guests get to bring a date/friend but not others? I don't technically think there's a "rule" against this, it's just weird and doesn't make much sense. Like, how do you decide which single person(s) are special enough to get a date/friend? Seriously?

Point is, as long as guests aren't uncomfortab;e, who cares.

Apparently, non of you "etiquette haters" don't know how to read. It's been stated time and time (and time) and again that tradition is NOT the same as etiquette. By claiming you'd be "chewed out" for things that have nothing to do with etiquette is simply a way to create drama and get attention. See the bolded.

Are you guys trying to have a pissing contest to see who can be the worst host at their wedding? Geez.

acove2006

I started this thread. I understand that nothing that I did was against etiquette, I was simply stating what I was doing that wasn't exactly traditional. None of us don't know how to read? What? If YOU had read my post, you would understand that I KNOW that nothing I'm doing is against etiquette, It's just non traditional. I'm not having a "pissing contest", I'm sharing my ideas in a thread that I started.

PS: I am sending two different save the dates because I ran out of one type and on minted you can't buy them in increments of 15 which is what we needed, so we decided to solve the problem by sending the wedding party different invites.
Bridesmaid will not be on the robes, nor will they be tacky satin victorias secret robes in my wedding colors.

Lastly, I cannot pay for single friends random dates to come to the wedding. If I have met your SO, they are invited. If you have no SO, sorry but I cannot afford for you to bring random bar dude/girl to come to the wedding. Simple as that. Everyone in the wedding party gets a plus one. Anyone who is dating someone we know is serious gets to bring them.

I think maybe next time you should read entire posts before you jump in being rude. Isn't THAT a breach of etiquette?

grumbledore · September 2013

tristins_mommy said:

Last time I brought that up I got chewed out by the etiquette police LOL.

I think all the old traditions are stupid, but that's just me. Here's a few of our non-traditional ideas:
- Outdoor wedding and reception (under a tent of course)
- Cash bar (gonna catch hell for that, but that's how we do it here)
- Hubby is making all the food, buffet style
- JOP with vows written our way
- No traditional terms - forget Bridal Party and MOH, we are doing Wedding Posse, Partner in Crime (MOH and Best Man) and something else funny for the rest
- No ring bearer/flower girl
- My kids are "giving me away", also going to be done in a comical way
- Invitations look like band flyers
- Live, local alternative/metal bands playing after midnight to close out the night
- No "traditional" pictures allowed! Have fun with it!!

A wedding is YOUR day and you should have it your way. We are having exactly what WE want, but are informing everyone about the music through the invitations. Our friends and family know us and would expect nothing less than an epic party.

The only etiquette breach here is the cash bar, and a cash bar is in no way offbeat, it's just rude.

Etiquette has nothing to do with policing people's traditions. It's just a few basic rules for being a good host.

Our wedding will not be entirely traditional, but we won't use that as an excuse to be rude to our guests.

MrsAitch · September 2013

I call the self-appointed etiquette police "guestzillas." I love when they all say there should be absolutely no gap between the ceremony and the reception whatsoever, and that any form of a cash bar is horrible and your guests would rather come to a dry wedding.

Maybe this is true for the (snobby?) circles that these people run in, but I know among my friends and family that gaps (as long as they're 1-2 hours) are considered normal. And I have been to dry weddings and afterwords everyone complained endlessly about the lack of booze and many specifically said they wish at the very least that there had been a cash bar as an option. I have been to many weddings with cash bars or partial cash bars and did not hear one person complain. Maybe this is because a lot of people I know are from the rural Midwest and very few people are wealthy enough to host a full open bar.

I also love when guestzillas complain that it "isn't all about the bride and groom!" I agree, in the sense that you should gracious hostess and keeping your guests comfortable; however, I think some of these people forget that this is a WEDDING not just some huge party, and that the only reason this celebration is being held in the first place is that the couple has decided to get married.

ETA: I also love it when people complain that the bride and groom don't have some amenity because they "don't want to pay for it." None of them consider that maybe the bride and groom CAN'T pay for it...

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

MrsAitch said:

I call the self-appointed etiquette police "guestzillas." I love when they all say there should be absolutely no gap between the ceremony and the reception whatsoever, and that any form of a cash bar is horrible and your guests would rather come to a dry wedding.

Maybe this is true for the (snobby?) circles that these people run in, but I know among my friends and family that gaps (as long as they're 1-2 hours) are considered normal. Normal/Common =/= Polite And I have been to dry weddings and afterwords everyone complained endlessly about the lack of booze I wouldn't say our circles are "snobby" as much as these guests are incredibly rude and many specifically said they wish at the very least that there had been a cash bar as an option. I have been to many weddings with cash bars or partial cash bars and did not hear one person complain. It's rude for people to complain about hosts. I'm going to guess that people who know what proper etiquette is (not to have a cash bar), didn't complain because.... they know what proper etiquette is. Maybe that's why rude people complain about the lack of alcohol.... Maybe this is because a lot of people I know are from the rural Midwest and very few people are wealthy enough to host a full open bar. Please don't stereotype - lots of people here are from the rural Midwest. If you can't afford a full open bar, you serve a limited bar. If you can't afford that, then you have a dry wedding. Lack of money isn't an excuse - I've seen perfectly hosted weddings for $20. It's all about priorities.

I also love when guestzillas complain that it "isn't all about the bride and groom!" I agree, in the sense that you should gracious hostess and keeping your guests comfortable; however, I think some of these people forget that this is a WEDDING not just some huge party, and that the only reason this celebration is being held in the first place is that the couple has decided to get married. You're right. It doesn't have to be a huge party. So don't serve alcohol if you can't afford it. Simple. Usually, it's the B&G who want a big party, but can't afford it so they pass along the cost of alcohol to their guests.

ETA: I also love it when people complain that the bride and groom don't have some amenity because they "don't want to pay for it." None of them consider that maybe the bride and groom CAN'T pay for it...

The bolded must be a joke. Everyone on the etiquette board will tell you to host what you can afford. No one hates on budget weddings - at all. Ever. People there (myself included) will tell you to have a cake and punch reception at a non-meal time in your backyard and it'll be awesome. You'll be great hosts and your guests will be properly hosted.

The problem is when the B&G have these dreams of a type of wedding they want but can't afford (like an open bar, or a dinner/dancing reception). So they spend their money on other things (like their dress, their venue, their centerpieces, their invitations, having the reception at meal time and serving dinner, a DJ, flowers, etc.) and then pass along the additional cost to their guests via a cash bar, money dance, honeymoon jar, etc.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

kefryar said:

acove2006 said:

kefryar said:

Majelin86tristins_mommy

Haha, to make everyone feel better, I am not doing everything the "traditional" way either.

1. I have a gap b/t my wedding and reception. So what? I am doing a cocktail hour.

A cocktail hour isn't a gap. A cocktail hour is the beginning of your reception and is how to properly host your guests between ceremony and dinner. Having 1+ hours between ceremony and the start of the reception with nothing for your guests to do is a gap, and is horrendously rude.

2. I'm sending out two different types of save the dates-one type to the wedding party, one to the rest of the guests.

What is the purpose of this? As long as everyone got the same general info this isn't a big deal.

3. I'm using lace, burlap, and mason jars *GASP*

Because those will send you straight to hell. Cover yourself in lace and burlap, no one cares.

4. My bridesmaids gift are robes (which they can use to get ready the morning of), I don't think it's selfish as I'm not having bridesmaid put all over them, but most people think i'm terrible.

If you get them something that benefits YOU (ie so they look a certain way in pictures, match, etc) then it's not a thank you gift. A robe in itself isn't a terrible gift, and if you're not having "bridesmaid" put on it then it's not the worst gift I've heard. As long as you don't demand they wear them while getting ready.

5. I'm not doing a champagne toast/garter toss/bouquet toss.

None of those are necessary.

6. I'm buying wine from trader joes or aldi.

Hey save the money where you can. That's fine.

7. Buffet dinner.

Again, No

8. Cupcakes.

Big

9. Dog in wedding. Might bark.

Deal

10. Giving some a plus one, not all.

Why would some single guests get to bring a date/friend but not others? I don't technically think there's a "rule" against this, it's just weird and doesn't make much sense. Like, how do you decide which single person(s) are special enough to get a date/friend? Seriously?

Point is, as long as guests aren't uncomfortab;e, who cares.

Apparently, non of you "etiquette haters" don't know how to read. It's been stated time and time (and time) and again that tradition is NOT the same as etiquette. By claiming you'd be "chewed out" for things that have nothing to do with etiquette is simply a way to create drama and get attention. See the bolded.

Are you guys trying to have a pissing contest to see who can be the worst host at their wedding? Geez.

acove2006

I started this thread. I understand that nothing that I did was against etiquette, I was simply stating what I was doing that wasn't exactly traditional. None of us don't know how to read? What? If YOU had read my post, you would understand that I KNOW that nothing I'm doing is against etiquette, It's just non traditional. I'm not having a "pissing contest", I'm sharing my ideas in a thread that I started.

PS: I am sending two different save the dates because I ran out of one type and on minted you can't buy them in increments of 15 which is what we needed, so we decided to solve the problem by sending the wedding party different invites.
Bridesmaid will not be on the robes, nor will they be tacky satin victorias secret robes in my wedding colors.

Lastly, I cannot pay for single friends random dates to come to the wedding. If I have met your SO, they are invited. If you have no SO, sorry but I cannot afford for you to bring random bar dude/girl to come to the wedding. Simple as that. Everyone in the wedding party gets a plus one. Anyone who is dating someone we know is serious gets to bring them.

I think maybe next time you should read entire posts before you jump in being rude. Isn't THAT a breach of etiquette?

The title of this thread is etiquette, right? So you're discussing etiquette? Is that a huge stretch of logic?

JessiBoom · October 2013

I personally think a lot of the etiquette rules are really silly. I'm not very far into the wedding planning stages, just getting the big important things taken care of first, but at our venue there is a bar attached and there is no way we could afford to pay for the alcohol, especially since we are not allowed to bring anything from outside. We made the choice to have the bar attended, all we had to do was ask, and guest can choose to buy their own alcohol or not have any.

My view is that this is our wedding and its for us. (The reception and ceremony are at the same place.) So it's all our decisions, what we can and what we want to do. Nobody is helping pay for it so nobody else is making decisions is how we view it.

I've been to weddings with cash bars and nobody seemed to mind and neither did we.

We've talked to all our guests and they think it's a fine idea.

The reason's we're doing a cash bar (and they're not excuses, if we were just looking for excuses we'd do a dry wedding) is:

There are several alcoholics in our families and we don't want them to be encouraged to get excessively drunk, though I understand they will probably still get drunk.

Cuts down the likelihood of drunk driving.

There is no way we would ever be able to afford it and we know they do want the option.

It's only poor etiquette in some places...

They are not made uncomfortable and we are letting them know ahead of time that it will be a cash bar.

grumbledore · October 2013

kefryar said:

Is there anyone else in here who thinks that a LOT of rules of wedding etiquette are outdated? People over on the etiquette board are generally horrified by me.

If being polite and a gracious host is outdated, then so be it. I have no interest in being rude to anyone I love.

grumbledore · October 2013

tristins_mommy said:

Last time I brought that up I got chewed out by the etiquette police LOL.

I think all the old traditions are stupid, but that's just me. Here's a few of our non-traditional ideas:
- Outdoor wedding and reception (under a tent of course) Not a breach of etiquette
- Cash bar (gonna catch hell for that, but that's how we do it here) This sucks for a lengthy laundry list of reasons you are already ignoring willfully, so whatever
- Hubby is making all the food, buffet style Not a breach of etiquette
- JOP with vows written our way Not a breach of etiquette
- No traditional terms - forget Bridal Party and MOH, we are doing Wedding Posse, Partner in Crime (MOH and Best Man) and something else funny for the rest Not a breach of etiquette
- No ring bearer/flower girl Not a breach of etiquette
- My kids are "giving me away", also going to be done in a comical way Not a breach of etiquette
- Invitations look like band flyers Not a breach of etiquette
- Live, local alternative/metal bands playing after midnight to close out the night Not a breach of etiquette
- No "traditional" pictures allowed! Have fun with it!! Not a breach of etiquette

A wedding is YOUR day and you should have it your way. We are having exactly what WE want, but are informing everyone about the music through the invitations. Our friends and family know us and would expect nothing less than an epic party.

You sound ridiculous.

etiquette

Re: etiquette

Choose Another Board

Search Boards