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they didn't invite my baby!

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Re: they didn't invite my baby!

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    TheBaysideBrideTheBaysideBride member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    just ask a relative if children are invited. IF not, and you want to go, find a babysitter, most hotels can recommend them. Not a big deal, assume baby will be a bit older by then.  If you can't leave baby for a few hours, I'd just skip it, especially if it's a distant relative.
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    SingleMom31SingleMom31 member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    delujm0 said:

    agree with banana.  while yes, it is inconvenient for the mother if she is exclusively breastfeeding and her child isn't invited to the wedding, it is not the bride's obligation to consider that and grant an exception.  it was the mother's choice to exclusively breastfeed.  This is similar to the mothers that have chosen to not use babysitters and then complain that they can't go to a weding because their children weren't invited.  Not using babysitters is a choice.  As with all choices, there is often a downside.  the downside here is that you might have to miss out on some social events where your baby is not welcome.

     

    While i am giving this advice as a person who does not have children yet, i know for a fact that i won't be exclusively breastfeeding my children when they are four months old, because by then i will have to return to my job, where babies are also not welcome. So i will have to pump and the baby will have to be bottlefed at daycare.  My boss isn't going to let me bring my baby to the office for a year because i have chosen to exclusively beastfeed.  Some of us do not have that luxury.

     

    So OP if you are fortunate enough to be able to exclusively breastfeed your child, and that makes it so that you are unable to attend the wedding, i would decline the RSVP.  I would probably add a note to the bottom about the baby, such as "so sorry we can't be there but i won't be able to leave the baby at such a young age.  We wish you all the best!"  If you truly don't know if the bride is even aware that you have this baby, clearly you're not that close - but she may still see your note, call you, and offer to allow you to bring the baby if you want.  If she desperately wants you there, she will make this concession.  I am having a child free wedding, but FI's sister is currently pregnant and the baby will be 8 months old on our wedding date.  We can't imagine not having our niece/nephew there with us that day, so the baby will be there.  That is the exception we are making. 

    Exclusively breast feeding simply means that your baby only gets breast milk, not that they only nurse. You can have an EBF baby where the mom exclusively pumps, and never nurses. I EBF for 7 months, including working for 4.

    While any mother that EBFs knows that it's a choice, it's not as easy as you're making it. Even if you're fine with a sitter, you need to address the milk issue. Generally, your body makes what baby needs, so to get an extra bottle, you need to pump after each feeding for a day or two before and "save up." Then, you need to find a place to pump at the wedding since you get very full and uncomfortable. Funding a semi private, non bathroom place that has a plug for your pump isn't always easy.

    It's entirely a choice (albeit a highly recommended choice), so I'd never even consider asking to bring baby if she wasn't invited. But, if you have any "BFFs that must be there" that are nursing, consider adding the baby since your BFF may decline otherwise.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    SingleMom31 said:

    agree with banana.  while yes, it is inconvenient for the mother if she is exclusively breastfeeding and her child isn't invited to the wedding, it is not the bride's obligation to consider that and grant an exception.  it was the mother's choice to exclusively breastfeed.  This is similar to the mothers that have chosen to not use babysitters and then complain that they can't go to a weding because their children weren't invited.  Not using babysitters is a choice.  As with all choices, there is often a downside.  the downside here is that you might have to miss out on some social events where your baby is not welcome.

     

    While i am giving this advice as a person who does not have children yet, i know for a fact that i won't be exclusively breastfeeding my children when they are four months old, because by then i will have to return to my job, where babies are also not welcome. So i will have to pump and the baby will have to be bottlefed at daycare.  My boss isn't going to let me bring my baby to the office for a year because i have chosen to exclusively beastfeed.  Some of us do not have that luxury.

     

    So OP if you are fortunate enough to be able to exclusively breastfeed your child, and that makes it so that you are unable to attend the wedding, i would decline the RSVP.  I would probably add a note to the bottom about the baby, such as "so sorry we can't be there but i won't be able to leave the baby at such a young age.  We wish you all the best!"  If you truly don't know if the bride is even aware that you have this baby, clearly you're not that close - but she may still see your note, call you, and offer to allow you to bring the baby if you want.  If she desperately wants you there, she will make this concession.  I am having a child free wedding, but FI's sister is currently pregnant and the baby will be 8 months old on our wedding date.  We can't imagine not having our niece/nephew there with us that day, so the baby will be there.  That is the exception we are making. 

    Exclusively breast feeding simply means that your baby only gets breast milk, not that they only nurse. You can have an EBF baby where the mom exclusively pumps, and never nurses. I EBF for 7 months, including working for 4. While any mother that EBFs knows that it's a choice, it's not as easy as you're making it. Even if you're fine with a sitter, you need to address the milk issue. Generally, your body makes what baby needs, so to get an extra bottle, you need to pump after each feeding for a day or two before and "save up." Then, you need to find a place to pump at the wedding since you get very full and uncomfortable. Funding a semi private, non bathroom place that has a plug for your pump isn't always easy. It's entirely a choice (albeit a highly recommended choice), so I'd never even consider asking to bring baby if she wasn't invited. But, if you have any "BFFs that must be there" that are nursing, consider adding the baby since your BFF may decline otherwise.
    Sometimes that isn't possible.  Even BFF's babies can't always be accommodated.  The fact that the parent is a "BFF" doesn't always mean that the couple can grant them what they want.
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    SingleMom31SingleMom31 member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    Jen4948 said:


    SingleMom31 said:

    delujm0 said:

    agree with banana.  while yes, it is inconvenient for the mother if she is exclusively breastfeeding and her child isn't invited to the wedding, it is not the bride's obligation to consider that and grant an exception.  it was the mother's choice to exclusively breastfeed.  This is similar to the mothers that have chosen to not use babysitters and then complain that they can't go to a weding because their children weren't invited.  Not using babysitters is a choice.  As with all choices, there is often a downside.  the downside here is that you might have to miss out on some social events where your baby is not welcome.

     

    While i am giving this advice as a person who does not have children yet, i know for a fact that i won't be exclusively breastfeeding my children when they are four months old, because by then i will have to return to my job, where babies are also not welcome. So i will have to pump and the baby will have to be bottlefed at daycare.  My boss isn't going to let me bring my baby to the office for a year because i have chosen to exclusively beastfeed.  Some of us do not have that luxury.

     

    So OP if you are fortunate enough to be able to exclusively breastfeed your child, and that makes it so that you are unable to attend the wedding, i would decline the RSVP.  I would probably add a note to the bottom about the baby, such as "so sorry we can't be there but i won't be able to leave the baby at such a young age.  We wish you all the best!"  If you truly don't know if the bride is even aware that you have this baby, clearly you're not that close - but she may still see your note, call you, and offer to allow you to bring the baby if you want.  If she desperately wants you there, she will make this concession.  I am having a child free wedding, but FI's sister is currently pregnant and the baby will be 8 months old on our wedding date.  We can't imagine not having our niece/nephew there with us that day, so the baby will be there.  That is the exception we are making. 

    Exclusively breast feeding simply means that your baby only gets breast milk, not that they only nurse. You can have an EBF baby where the mom exclusively pumps, and never nurses. I EBF for 7 months, including working for 4.

    While any mother that EBFs knows that it's a choice, it's not as easy as you're making it. Even if you're fine with a sitter, you need to address the milk issue. Generally, your body makes what baby needs, so to get an extra bottle, you need to pump after each feeding for a day or two before and "save up." Then, you need to find a place to pump at the wedding since you get very full and uncomfortable. Funding a semi private, non bathroom place that has a plug for your pump isn't always easy.

    It's entirely a choice (albeit a highly recommended choice), so I'd never even consider asking to bring baby if she wasn't invited. But, if you have any "BFFs that must be there" that are nursing, consider adding the baby since your BFF may decline otherwise.



    Sometimes that isn't possible.  Even BFF's babies can't always be accommodated.  The fact that the parent is a "BFF" doesn't always mean that the couple can grant them what they want.


    I'm not sure how it puts anyone out to accommodate a BFing infant, but if a couple doesn't want kids there, that's up to them. I just meant that if you (generic you) have close friends that are nursing and you'd be crushed if they weren't there, you may want to throw them a bone or risk them declining (which I think is the only acceptable choice if your child isn't invited and you can't make it work logistically; calling the BTB to score another invite is never ok in my book). A lot of people that haven't EBF don't realize the challenges, which was my only reason for commenting.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited August 2013
    SingleMom31 said:
    SingleMom31 said:

    agree with banana.  while yes, it is inconvenient for the mother if she is exclusively breastfeeding and her child isn't invited to the wedding, it is not the bride's obligation to consider that and grant an exception.  it was the mother's choice to exclusively breastfeed.  This is similar to the mothers that have chosen to not use babysitters and then complain that they can't go to a weding because their children weren't invited.  Not using babysitters is a choice.  As with all choices, there is often a downside.  the downside here is that you might have to miss out on some social events where your baby is not welcome.

     

    While i am giving this advice as a person who does not have children yet, i know for a fact that i won't be exclusively breastfeeding my children when they are four months old, because by then i will have to return to my job, where babies are also not welcome. So i will have to pump and the baby will have to be bottlefed at daycare.  My boss isn't going to let me bring my baby to the office for a year because i have chosen to exclusively beastfeed.  Some of us do not have that luxury.

     

    So OP if you are fortunate enough to be able to exclusively breastfeed your child, and that makes it so that you are unable to attend the wedding, i would decline the RSVP.  I would probably add a note to the bottom about the baby, such as "so sorry we can't be there but i won't be able to leave the baby at such a young age.  We wish you all the best!"  If you truly don't know if the bride is even aware that you have this baby, clearly you're not that close - but she may still see your note, call you, and offer to allow you to bring the baby if you want.  If she desperately wants you there, she will make this concession.  I am having a child free wedding, but FI's sister is currently pregnant and the baby will be 8 months old on our wedding date.  We can't imagine not having our niece/nephew there with us that day, so the baby will be there.  That is the exception we are making. 

    Exclusively breast feeding simply means that your baby only gets breast milk, not that they only nurse. You can have an EBF baby where the mom exclusively pumps, and never nurses. I EBF for 7 months, including working for 4. While any mother that EBFs knows that it's a choice, it's not as easy as you're making it. Even if you're fine with a sitter, you need to address the milk issue. Generally, your body makes what baby needs, so to get an extra bottle, you need to pump after each feeding for a day or two before and "save up." Then, you need to find a place to pump at the wedding since you get very full and uncomfortable. Funding a semi private, non bathroom place that has a plug for your pump isn't always easy. It's entirely a choice (albeit a highly recommended choice), so I'd never even consider asking to bring baby if she wasn't invited. But, if you have any "BFFs that must be there" that are nursing, consider adding the baby since your BFF may decline otherwise.
    Sometimes that isn't possible.  Even BFF's babies can't always be accommodated.  The fact that the parent is a "BFF" doesn't always mean that the couple can grant them what they want.
    I'm not sure how it puts anyone out to accommodate a BFing infant, but if a couple doesn't want kids there, that's up to them. I just meant that if you (generic you) have close friends that are nursing and you'd be crushed if they weren't there, you may want to throw them a bone or risk them declining (which I think is the only acceptable choice if your child isn't invited and you can't make it work logistically; calling the BTB to score another invite is never ok in my book). A lot of people that haven't EBF don't realize the challenges, which was my only reason for commenting.
    If the venue has a strict # of people of limit, even a BFing infant can put them over.  Sometimes even parents of BFing babies just have to accept that their baby isn't invited-even if one or both of the couple is their BFF.  Like you said, it's never okay to call the couple to try to score another invitation.  It might be crushing to the couple not to have the parents of the BFing baby there, but sometimes that's the only thing to do-accept that the BFFs won't be there.

    It's a perfectly valid choice for the couple not to invite the baby, and it's a perfectly valid response that the baby's parents decline the invitation.  It's when one side puts any kind of pressure on the other by saying "No one will notice the baby, what harm can a baby do, if you were a true friend you'd X, etc." that I think is out of line.  Sometimes being a "true friend" means accepting that it isn't possible to bring the baby or to have one's BFFs at one's wedding without one side putting pressure on the other for accommodation.
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    painterltpainterlt member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Leave the baby at home... Or do not go at all. A wedding reception is not the best place or a baby with loud music Ect. Plus, it is rude to add a guest (no matter how small). It may be an all adult affair so use it as a romantic night away!
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    cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Abbyjensen said:
    I second the recommendation to ask if they can suggest any sitters (even if you won't come if you have to use a sitter). That will bring attention to the fact that you do have a child, if they were unaware, and clarify for you whether the baby was invited.


    If you are comfortable with "dropping a hint" this isn't a bad option.  Although some may frown upon it, this will get across your point without forcing your baby onto the guest list.  If they don't extend the invitation you simply don't go, and just send them their gift and be done with it.

    Good Luck!

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    riverjibriverjib member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Wow, I'm not even a parent, but I think you're right to ask the question here without such rude responses (I only scrolled through the first 3-4 before I was annoyed). Most parents are thrilled to hire a babysitter for kids old enough to be comfortable with it, but not necessarily in the first few months. I can't imagine why it's rude to ask candidly if you can bring an infant to a wedding you want to attend. If you can't, that's fine, but it's not like you're asking to bring a toddler or older child that you *could* hire a sitter to watch. Your child needs you, and you're perfectly right in asking whether it's outside of their realm of comfort to have your family there, or decline if it doesn't work out for you and/or them. I'm sure they will understand either way!
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    riverjib said:

    Wow, I'm not even a parent, but I think you're right to ask the question here without such rude responses (I only scrolled through the first 3-4 before I was annoyed). Most parents are thrilled to hire a babysitter for kids old enough to be comfortable with it, but not necessarily in the first few months. I can't imagine why it's rude to ask candidly if you can bring an infant to a wedding you want to attend. If you can't, that's fine, but it's not like you're asking to bring a toddler or older child that you *could* hire a sitter to watch. Your child needs you, and you're perfectly right in asking whether it's outside of their realm of comfort to have your family there, or decline if it doesn't work out for you and/or them. I'm sure they will understand either way!

    Which replies were rude? Be specific.
    image
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    ItsthevixItsthevix member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2013
    Congrats on your new baby!! :) If the wedding is late in the evening, it isn't appropriate to bring a baby. If you can't - or don't want to - find a sitter, and it is YOUR cousin, have you husband stay home so you can go be with family. But I hope that you reconsider having a night for you and your husband to go out and enjoy yourselves with other adults. If you're breastfeeding, pump before you go. But 4 months is long enough that you're going to miss adult conversations be ready for a night with the hubby. If you both want to go, ask a trusted couple with a child to babysit for the night and consider setting up a webcam so that you can check on your little one via your smartphone once every 30 minutes or so. 
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    svc2014svc2014 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Have you considered the possibility that it isn't an adult only reception but you baby might still not be invited? You mentioned that it is a distant cousin and they might not even know you had a baby. Honestly, in that case, if you aren't close enough that they would know of your baby I could see them not inviting your child where they might invite a few nieces and nephews or close child relatives. You have to cut if off somewhere and usually people do this in circles of groups.

    It sucks but if you aren't comfortable leaving you baby there isn't much you can do. :/
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    futuremrsandmrkelly426futuremrsandmrkelly426 member
    First Comment

    I'm with everyone else.  My FI's cousins (literally all of his female cousins) are pregnant, and will have pretty small infants at the time of our wedding next year.  They've already said that they're finding babysitters, and we are not including the babies on the invitiation. This may come across as crass, but not everyone is a fan of babies at weddings (I am not), and if the invite did not say your children were invited, it's rude to ask.  Why would you want to bring a 4 month old to a wedding anyway?  If you have feeding issues, or babysitter issues, then simply decline.   

    And by the way... ALL of his cousins are nursing.  All you have to do is pump and bottle.  Not the end of the world.

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