potential wedding crasher who is crazy but also a nice person.....?

rvg22 · September 2013

I need some advice on a potential wedding crasher. When I first joined TK there was a post by a person who sounds like she could almost be my potential wedding crasher, but I assure you it is a different girl because we are all heathens who do not attend church.

My ceremony in a few weeks will be in a public place (a park in the mountains). The actual venue we rented contains a small building, but we are planning on setting up chairs outside and will only have the ceremony inside in case of bad weather. We know there will be people hiking and biking past and maybe stopping to stare, I have come to terms with that.

The dilemma: I have an co-worker/casual friend who is not invited but keeps joking about how it is a public park so she is just going to show up at the right time and watch the ceremony. If she said this once, I would laugh it off. However, she has mentioned it on 3 different occasions (I see her about once a week at various social functions) and she is totally serious.

My current coping strategy is just to avoid telling her the ceremony time and exact location (somehow I have avoided divulging that info despite being asked), but she could figure it out if she tried hard enough (website, friends who ARE invited, etc.). She says "I know the reception is the expensive part, so I won't stay for that, but I just want to see you get married". Ack. I probably won't even notice if she is looking on from afar during the ceremony, but the whole thing is just so weird and I feel like if I saw her lurking around I would just invite her to come join us (we are having light snacks and drinks right after) because otherwise it seems not gracious. The thing is, she is a casual friend who would probably be invited if we were having a larger wedding (say, inviting 150 instead of just 30). So I don't want to be mean and serious and tell her to stop being a creep and make her feel badly and make things weird at work. And she is not dangerous just a bit clueless about social norms, so hiring security or something seems way over the top.

Sorry to ramble, wedding planning for my teeny wedding has been pretty fun and stress-free but this situation has me anxious! Anybody encounter something similar?

ashleyep · September 2013

I wonder if she's just trying to score an invite? Hopefully she wouldn't really do that?

Grabows14 · September 2013

I wouldn't worry to much about it. If she does come through and actually tries to see it, she will probably either A) see how intimate it is and not want to interrupt a private setting or

say hi and leave. I'm thinking most people (you know, serious enough to stop by the wedding) wouldn't go up and say hi if they realize the intimacy. On the flip side, a wedding I went to, I knew there were several people at the wedding, who just wanted to see the couple get married, but weren't invited (childhood friend's parents). Those people didn't go up to the Bride and Groom and say hi.

ETA: added last sentance

SKPM · September 2013

It sounds like you're having a small, intimate wedding (30 people), which I assume is entirely family or a few close friends. Wouldn't she feel awkward at such an event? To me, it would feel like I was crashing in on a co-worker's family Christmas dinner; even though it's a party, it's fairly exclusive. Like you said, it sounds like she isn't the best with social norms and cues.

Is anyone else from your work invited? If so, that might make it a bit trickier since she would theoretically know someone else. Have you told her, bluntly, that it is "small," "intimate," "close family and friends only", and that you couldn't invite everyone you would have liked? Sorry, I don't have much else to suggest. :-/

Since it's in a public place where passers-by are a possibility, it isn't like you can shut her out. But I would make sure not to have extra chairs if possible, and maybe mark off the space somehow (tying a ribbon across the ends of the chair rows or creating a "boundary" line with flowers or something, to deter anyone who wants to stand around and watch too long).

Abbyjensen · September 2013

Just continue acting like it's a joke and hope your strategy works. I'd also use the strategy of saying, "I'm so looking forward to our small intimate wedding with only our 30 closest friends and family members." If she shows up you can deal with it then.

OliveOilsMom · September 2013

I wouldn't worry about it day of, even if she shows up, I think she would realize how small it is and not approach the wedding too closely.

However, if at work, she says something again about showing up, I would laugh loudly and say "Can you imagine someone showing up to a wedding uninvited? That's crazy!" Then keep laughing and turn and walk away. Let her know that you don't want to find her crashing your wedding, but with as much of a positive spin as possible.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

OliveOilsMom said:

I wouldn't worry about it day of, even if she shows up, I think she would realize how small it is and not approach the wedding too closely.

However, if at work, she says something again about showing up, I would laugh loudly and say "Can you imagine someone showing up to a wedding uninvited? That's crazy!" Then keep laughing and turn and walk away. Let her know that you don't want to find her crashing your wedding, but with as much of a positive spin as possible.

Ooh! Tell her about this crazy chick on TK/all of the internet who wanted to crash someone's wedding at a public park!

ETA: Highlighting.

rvg22 · September 2013

Thanks you guys. Yeah, I think I need to just keep being light and jokey about it while also saying something (either to her in her vicinity) maybe a little stronger than I have been. To make her realize that her plan is NOT NORMAL.

Someone asked if anyone else from work was invited, and the answer is no. A few people who she knows otherwise will be there, but those 2 have been told about her wedding crashing potential, so I don't think they will give away info to her.

One hopeful thing is that one of the times she has mentioned it, she said something about how her and "Marie" (a mutual acquaintance, also not invited) were going just happen to be going for a hike at the same time as our ceremony. So, hopefully Marie will convince her to do something else that afternoon.

Simply Fated · September 2013

rvg22 said:

I need some advice on a potential wedding crasher. When I first joined TK there was a post by a person who sounds like she could almost be my potential wedding crasher, but I assure you it is a different girl because we are all heathens who do not attend church.

My ceremony in a few weeks will be in a public place (a park in the mountains). The actual venue we rented contains a small building, but we are planning on setting up chairs outside and will only have the ceremony inside in case of bad weather. We know there will be people hiking and biking past and maybe stopping to stare, I have come to terms with that.

The dilemma: I have an co-worker/casual friend who is not invited but keeps joking about how it is a public park so she is just going to show up at the right time and watch the ceremony. If she said this once, I would laugh it off. However, she has mentioned it on 3 different occasions (I see her about once a week at various social functions) and she is totally serious.

My current coping strategy is just to avoid telling her the ceremony time and exact location (somehow I have avoided divulging that info despite being asked), but she could figure it out if she tried hard enough (website, friends who ARE invited, etc.). She says "I know the reception is the expensive part, so I won't stay for that, but I just want to see you get married". Ack. I probably won't even notice if she is looking on from afar during the ceremony, but the whole thing is just so weird and I feel like if I saw her lurking around I would just invite her to come join us (we are having light snacks and drinks right after) because otherwise it seems not gracious. The thing is, she is a casual friend who would probably be invited if we were having a larger wedding (say, inviting 150 instead of just 30). So I don't want to be mean and serious and tell her to stop being a creep and make her feel badly and make things weird at work. And she is not dangerous just a bit clueless about social norms, so hiring security or something seems way over the top.

Sorry to ramble, wedding planning for my teeny wedding has been pretty fun and stress-free but this situation has me anxious! Anybody encounter something similar?

Jashley will live in our memories forever.

I agree that maybe you should, like, joke harder with better hints.

misssunshine17 · September 2013

It might not be E approved, but I would tell her that it is making you uncomfortable since other people would probably like to do the same thing but it's not what you want. I know rude=being rude back, but in this situation, it's probably all that will work.

BMoreBride6 · September 2013

rvg22 said:

I need some advice on a potential wedding crasher. When I first joined TK there was a post by a person who sounds like she could almost be my potential wedding crasher, but I assure you it is a different girl because we are all heathens who do not attend church.

Because all of us who do go to church totally refer to non-churchgoers as heathens...

Sorry, it is just a personal annoyance of mine...

MuppetOverlord · September 2013

I would either tell her it's at a different time or I'd ignore her.

If she comes, (unlikely with the effort involved) what is she going to do, take a couple crackers away from your guests?

Chipmunk415 · September 2013

There's an old acquaintance of my dad's (they briefly dated in HS in late 50s early 60s) who has had to get whacked with the "no invite" hammer no fewer than three times. She was at my brother's wedding (she's his landlord) and mentioned it. I diverted the convo. She approached my mom. Mom said "I think they are going for a small, FAMILY ONLY wedding". Blank stare. She called my mom last weekend, wondering what the logistics would be. (Note, I'm not fond of this woman, she's very self centered, opinionated, and refuses to get a psych evaluation despite obvious symptoms that something is not right). Mom reminded her it was a small family only thing (a mini lie- a few friends of FI and I are invited, as are some non-relatives that are basically adopted aunts and uncles to me, but it's still a small wedding). She said "what does that mean?" Mom- "It means it's Family ONLY and you are not INVITED!"

A little rude of Mom? Yes. But considering this is now round three, bluntness was needed. Some people need that after repeated attempts to politely let them down.

rvg22 · September 2013

BMoreBride6 said:

rvg22 said:
I need some advice on a potential wedding crasher. When I first joined TK there was a post by a person who sounds like she could almost be my potential wedding crasher, but I assure you it is a different girl because we are all heathens who do not attend church.

Because all of us who do go to church totally refer to non-churchgoers as heathens...

Sorry, it is just a personal annoyance of mine...

Oops. I was trying to be sorta funny, but that was probably in poor taste

I know people choose to not attend church for a variety of reasons.

tammym1001 · September 2013

FI and I are having a wedding with only 30 people. It was family only and one friend each (and their SO's of course). I had a couple of friends that I absolutely would have invited if we were having a bigger wedding. They joked quite a few times that they were just going to show up at the church to watch the ceremony or hide behind trees so they could see me on my wedding day. I'm still not sure if they were serious or not (I kind of think they were), but we decided to invite a few more friends so now they are officially on the guest list and won't have to hide behind trees. LOL I know this really doesn't help you, but I wanted to let you know that these girls are completely sane and really just wanted to see me get married and yes there are people who say things like this.

lc07 · September 2013

I would ask her if she was serious about attending the ceremony uninvited. She will either answer yes or no. If yes, I would tell her that it is a very intimate, small wedding and unfortunately you weren't able to invite everyone that you would have liked and that her attending is not possible. If no, you can relax. Tell her you'll look forward to sharing photos with her afterwards.

rvg22 · September 2013

@lc07, I like this idea. I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier! I can just straight up ask her (next time she brings it up) if she is really planning on showing up, without being all mean and serious about it (I just hate being mean and serious). I think that putting her on the spot a little might bring her back to reality a little ("am I really considering showing up at someone's tiny wedding uninvited?")

I do try to say the standard "it is a very small wedding and we weren't able to invite everyone we would have liked!" which seems to work with most people. But, I feel a little guilty because we DID invite everyone we would have liked to invite, I just really really wanted a small wedding! Oh well, harmless white lies, right?

potential wedding crasher who is crazy but also a nice person.....?

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