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WTF is wrong with people

LizM61409LizM61409 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
From yesterday's Dear Prudence (slate.com):

Q. My Husband Is Not Invited to My Niece's Wedding: I am one of four siblings, all in their late 50s/early 60s. I am a gay man who legally married my partner of 28 years earlier this year. Two of my sisters are lesbians with one married to her longtime partner as well. The remaining sister, the youngest, is married with five children and is a devout Catholic. Her daughter is getting married soon and the invitation arrived the other day, addressed only to me. My other married sister's invitation was addressed only to her. I don't know what to do. I emailed the niece's mother and asked if my husband was invited and if my niece was registered anywhere. I did not get a response. I'm pretty sure he and my sister-in-law are not invited as my sister does not approve of the relationships due to religious teachings. Now I'm hurt and unsure how to proceed. My husband has known my niece since she was born. My sister has always treated my husband respectfully, though she has dropped a few hints about how she feels. In the past I have even paid my sister's mortgage when her husband was unemployed to keep her and her children in their house. I don't plan to attend without my husband and am not sure if I should just decline the invitation and leave it at that or if I should let them know how hurtful their actions are. What would you do?


I'm so sick of people doing hateful things in the name of religion. Isn't "love your neighbor" one of the tenants of Christianity? 
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Re: WTF is wrong with people

  • Xstatic3333Xstatic3333 member
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    I read that too...absolutely disgusting. I have no tolerance for that stuff. I really hope the bride stands up to her mom on this one.
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    Yeah, this is disgusting.

    Now that I think about it, I didn't invite my gay uncle and his husband. It has absolutely nothing to do with homosexuality - he stole money from my grandma before and after she died and screwed my sister out of thousands of dollars. I hope he knows this is the reason and isn't trying to make me look like the asshole...

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  • LizM61409LizM61409 member
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    ShesSoCold said:

    Yeah, this is disgusting.

    Now that I think about it, I didn't invite my gay uncle and his husband. It has absolutely nothing to do with homosexuality - he stole money from my grandma before and after she died and screwed my sister out of thousands of dollars. I hope he knows this is the reason and isn't trying to make me look like the asshole...

    Well you didn't invite the uncle without his husband. 
    I think these boards have well established the "you don't have to invite people who steal regardless of their relation" rule
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    LizM61409 said:
    ShesSoCold said:

    Yeah, this is disgusting.

    Now that I think about it, I didn't invite my gay uncle and his husband. It has absolutely nothing to do with homosexuality - he stole money from my grandma before and after she died and screwed my sister out of thousands of dollars. I hope he knows this is the reason and isn't trying to make me look like the asshole...

    Well you didn't invite the uncle without his husband. 
    I think these boards have well established the "you don't have to invite people who steal regardless of their relation" rule
    Yeah, I feel totally fine about it. I'm just hoping that he's not telling the rest of the family that I'm some homophobic prick.
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  • WonderRedWonderRed member
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    Who would Jesus hate?

    SMDH
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  • APDSS22APDSS22 member
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    If she felt that strongly about it, why still invite half the couple even though they're related? From any standpoint, inviting half of a couple is rude. Doing it because you don't approve of the relationship's just a ridiculous excuse.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    If you're going to pull the "Catholic not married in a Catholic Church" card then I hope that bride was equally hateful in not inviting any couples living together before marriage, those divorced and remarried with no annulment and any who opted for a civil marriage only.

    I don't condone what they did and I just wonder if the B&G "picking and choosing" which aspects to follow - a frequent criticism of many Catholics.
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  • phiraphira member
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    One of my favorite parts of Prop 8 The Musical was the point that if you're going to pick and choose, you might as well pick love instead of hate. Like, seriously.

    Not that I think the DP letter writer will read this, but if I were in his shoes, I'd contact the niece directly. It sounds like the issue here is that the sister is hosting the wedding and being an asshole, not the niece. So contact the niece and say, "We're so sorry we're not able to attend your wedding. However, we'd love to know where you're registered; is there a certain item you've been hoping someone will get you? Love Uncle [Name] and Uncle [Name]."
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    Using any religion for the purpose of hate is disgusting, and very sadly, all too common.  It warps religion into something it shouldn't be.
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  • allispainallispain member
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    I saw this too - I'm glad someone posted it!
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  • cruffinocruffino member
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    this just makes me so sad.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    Speaking as a Catholic, I very happily invited my dad's cousin and his partner/husband of 50+ years. I did NOT invite my mother's straight cousin who's busily screwing around on his wife. I thought the together-for-50-plus-years couple exemplified marriage and commitment and the d-bag who can't keep it in his pants didn't. I also very gladly told the affected relatives why Cousin Dbag had been excluded. 
    How did the relatives take it?
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    Jen4948 said:
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    Speaking as a Catholic, I very happily invited my dad's cousin and his partner/husband of 50+ years. I did NOT invite my mother's straight cousin who's busily screwing around on his wife. I thought the together-for-50-plus-years couple exemplified marriage and commitment and the d-bag who can't keep it in his pants didn't. I also very gladly told the affected relatives why Cousin Dbag had been excluded. 
    How did the relatives take it?
    They all (a) understood and (b) were glad I had done so. The only affected relative, really, was Cousin Dbag's brother and brother's wife, and I basically just gave him a heads-up, and said, "Hey, just so you know, your brother isn't invited, so if he asks, you're forewarned." These cousins are all in their 50s, so I didn't feel badly about inviting one sibling and not the other. And the brothers aren't close, and everyone in the family knows Cousin Dbag is a Dbag, so the family members not immediately affected by this were still relieved. 
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • LizM61409LizM61409 member
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    phira said:
    One of my favorite parts of Prop 8 The Musical was the point that if you're going to pick and choose, you might as well pick love instead of hate. Like, seriously.

    Not that I think the DP letter writer will read this, but if I were in his shoes, I'd contact the niece directly. It sounds like the issue here is that the sister is hosting the wedding and being an asshole, not the niece. So contact the niece and say, "We're so sorry we're not able to attend your wedding. However, we'd love to know where you're registered; is there a certain item you've been hoping someone will get you? Love Uncle [Name] and Uncle [Name]."
    That was basically the advice in the response
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  • CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
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    I'm so sick of people doing hateful things in the name of religion. Isn't "love your neighbor" one of the tenants of Christianity? 
    It's "tenet," not "tenant." :)
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  • phiraphira member
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    @LizM61409 Yeah, I didn't read Prudie's reply because 90% of the time, she makes me want to scratch my eyes out. Glad to hear that she had the right idea.
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  • Rebl90Rebl90 member
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    This makes my heart sick. I am a Christian and I never hesitated to invite my gay coworkers and their partners, their lives are their own to live and I have no right to cast any judgement. Why do people have to be so dang hateful? 
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  • phiraphira member
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    southernbelle0915 said:
    LizM61409 said:
    phira said:
    One of my favorite parts of Prop 8 The Musical was the point that if you're going to pick and choose, you might as well pick love instead of hate. Like, seriously.

    Not that I think the DP letter writer will read this, but if I were in his shoes, I'd contact the niece directly. It sounds like the issue here is that the sister is hosting the wedding and being an asshole, not the niece. So contact the niece and say, "We're so sorry we're not able to attend your wedding. However, we'd love to know where you're registered; is there a certain item you've been hoping someone will get you? Love Uncle [Name] and Uncle [Name]."
    That was basically the advice in the response
    I'm actually going to go against the grain here. I would not give this advice. 

    I think the person did the right thing by contacting the aunt to ask if it was a mistake. In the absence of her response, I would contact the niece and ask the same question, "Sorry to bother you, [niece]. I realize you may be in the thick of wedding planning, but I just have a quick question for you. I received the invitation to your wedding, but your Uncle [name] wasn't on it. I wanted to clarify whether he is invited. Please let me know if Uncle [name] is invited." If there is no response, I would send a message to both of them saying, "We did not hear back from you on whether or not Uncle [name] is invited to [niece's] wedding. For this reason, we will unfortunately have to decline the invitation. We wish you happiness on your wedding day. Love, Uncle [name] and Uncle [name]" 

    Yes, I would be blatant about my RSVP being contingent on the husband being invited. I'd do the same thing if my husband wasn't invited to a wedding, I asked for clarification and never got a response. I'd send a nice card with well wishes, but I would absolutely not send a gift. If people blatantly don't respect my relationship, why would I send them a present to celebrate theirs?
    I think my advice really depends on what the niece's views are. If she TOTALLY wanted to invite her uncle and her aunt, but her mother is paying for everything and holds ALL the power ... then the niece shouldn't be punished for her mother's rude and hateful behavior. But yes, if the niece is just all, "Well, can't you be apart for just one day?" then screw it.
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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
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    I think my advice really depends on what the niece's views are. If she TOTALLY wanted to invite her uncle and her aunt, but her mother is paying for everything and holds ALL the power ... then the niece shouldn't be punished for her mother's rude and hateful behavior. But yes, if the niece is just all, "Well, can't you be apart for just one day?" then screw it.
    OP wouldn't be punishing the niece, necessarily. If mom holds all the power, then mom needs to understand how her actions are not only hurting the uncles, but her daughter as well.  OP still shouldn't attend without his husband. Plus, if niece wants them both there, and can't stand up to her mother and demand that, then she is also in the wrong. OP does need to ask the question to make sure their intentions are perfectly clear, then act accordingly.
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  • Pepper6Pepper6 member
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    I've got to give kudos to that guy for maintaining a relationship with his sister knowing that she essentially hates him based on who he loves.  
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