My Friend Told Me Not To Get Married Before Her!

gleguin · September 2013

I've been good friends with a girl for many years. A few months ago, she became engaged and asked me to be her MOH, which I happily accepted.

My boyfriend and I have been having serious wedding conversations, and this month he proposed! I excitedly called my friend and told her the exciting news (knowing that she would just as happy for me as I am for her), only to be shocked when she jokingly said "Don't get married before me!".

While the manner she said it in was joking, I'm now in this difficult place where I want to be married the spring before her wedding, and I don't want this to turn into "Bride Wars". How does one handle this situation gracefully? Am I totally in the wrong?

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

gleguin said:

I've been good friends with a girl for many years. A few months ago, she became engaged and asked me to be her MOH, which I happily accepted.
My boyfriend and I have been having serious wedding conversations, and this month he proposed! I excitedly called my friend and told her the exciting news (knowing that she would just as happy for me as I am for her), only to be shocked when she jokingly said "Don't get married before me!".

While the manner she said it in was joking, I'm now in this difficult place where I want to be married the spring before her wedding, and I don't want this to turn into "Bride Wars". How does one handle this situation gracefully? Am I totally in the wrong?

You can get married whenever you want. Hopefully she's joking. I would play it off as if she is and couldn't possibly be serious about something like that.

On a side note, I would have loved a longer engagement (ours was 14 months). I'm not telling you to move your date if that's what you want, but a longer engagement (i.e. getting married in Spring 2015) will allow you time to save money and plan your dream wedding. Just a thought.

svc2014 · September 2013

I'm sorry that your good friend didn't have an excited/positive reaction to your amazing news. Congratulations!!

First off does she even have her date set? If so have you though about when you want to get married yourself (meaning is it even before hers anyways) You have to do what is best for you and your FI. If you have always had your heart set on a summer wedding while she is planning a fall 2014 wedding then there is really nothing that you can do and you shouldn't feel badly about it. She is probably just worried about you stealing her thunder which is completely selfish.

If she does have her date, while planning I personally wouldn't pick a date within a few weeks of hers simply because that might be hectic for the both of you but other than that get married when you want! Hopefully she will come around and be supportive.

melbelleup · September 2013

First off, congrats on getting engaged!!!

That being said, my FI found it rude that my Bridesmaid who just got engaged is getting married a month before. I had to explain to him that it doesn't matter because I always wanted a June wedding and that's what we're having. Actually, I always wanted a May wedding, but wouldn't work with our jobs. So June it became. The only downside to her wedding being in May is I honestly have no idea how I'm going to attend it and I actually hope she doesn't make me a bridesmaid. That would mean 3 weddings in 3 months that I'm in since my brother's is in July. And the weekend after her wedding is one of my showers... So I can see where she's coming from by saying that, but at the same time, pick whatever date you would like, but don't pick the same date. Also think of my example if you want her in yours as well, which is why I recommend 2-3 months break between the two.

ETA: I'm also an out of town bride so every trip home I make is 1000 miles total and at least $150 in gas.

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

Congrats on your engagement! I'm sure there was a (hopefully small) level of jealousy on her part, but definitely get married whenever you want.

My $.02, for what it's worth, is that we will have had a just-under 10-month engagement (got engaged Dec. 21; getting married Oct. 13), and I wish it had been shorter.. I'm to the point where I am READY to be MARRIED and to be done with planning. I know some people need/want longer engagements for a lot of reasons, and I'm not impugning the validity thereof; I'm just offering my perspective.

LondonLisa · September 2013

gleguin said:

I've been good friends with a girl for many years. A few months ago, she became engaged and asked me to be her MOH, which I happily accepted.
My boyfriend and I have been having serious wedding conversations, and this month he proposed! I excitedly called my friend and told her the exciting news (knowing that she would just as happy for me as I am for her), only to be shocked when she jokingly said "Don't get married before me!".

While the manner she said it in was joking, I'm now in this difficult place where I want to be married the spring before her wedding, and I don't want this to turn into "Bride Wars". How does one handle this situation gracefully? Am I totally in the wrong?

I would just laugh it off and treat it like she was joking. Because in all seriousness, that is such a ridiculous request!

misssunshine17 · September 2013

Just ignore her. She shouldn't have said it- joking or serious. Get married whenever you want and do not base it around her at all.

emmyg65 · September 2013

Ignore her, or pass it off as a joke. If she brings it up again, you can explain that you chose a date that worked for the two of you, but you really don't owe her an explanation at all.

Also, I had a seven-month engagement and wish it had been shorter.

Maggie0829 · September 2013

Congrats on your engagement.

Just ignore her comment. Whether serious or not it was inappropriate. Get married whenever you and your FI want. She doesn't get to claim the entire year leading up to her wedding.

ElcaB · September 2013

What a nut. My girlfriend got engaged six months after me and is having her wedding 5 months before me, and I'm not bothered at all. I get the bonus of having a "wedding buddy" to plan with.

Pay no mind to what she said. Plan your wedding whenever and however you'd like.

StephJean83 · September 2013

Congrats on your engagement!

Like PPs said, get married when you want. My FH and I wanted a longer engagement, so we picked November 2014. After we were engaged, I know of three acquaintances who got engaged and all are getting married before us. There are times I wish I was getting this November but I know I wouldn't have my dream wedding. If your wedding happens before hers, it is life, people can't expect other people to put their lives on hold until after they are married.

Bubblegum5586 · September 2013

Congrats!!!

FI and I had an 18mo engagement so several friends got engaged after us and married before us! There were times I was jealous that their big day had come and ours was still weeks/months away. But now that our wedding is in 8 days I wouldn't have changed anything! I am having everything I wanted and it will perfect because it was what FI and I picked! 18 months seemed like a long time... but it really wasn't and your only engaged once (hopefully!) its a fun time and I am glad we had the time to enjoy it (and save more money!)

With that said you can get married ANY DAY you want!! But if your both in each others weddings... it may be easier to give a few months between to fully enjoy each others day! ( Although my cousin got married 6 weeks before us... and that feels like a lifetime ago now!!!)

FutureMrsN3312 · September 2013

I'm sure she was just joking. As long as you don't pick the same date you'll be fine. One of my good "friends" did this and it was a friendship ending move.

manateehugger · September 2013

Congrats!

If she wasn't joking, she's being an asshat. So hopefully she was joking. Plan the wedding you want (and can afford) when you want. Don't pick her date (and honestly, if I were you I'd give myself AT LEAST a couple weeks between dates) and you're fine.

svc2014 · September 2013

FutureMrsN3312 said:

I'm sure she was just joking. As long as you don't pick the same date you'll be fine. One of my good "friends" did this and it was a friendship ending move.

Your good friend seriously picked the same date?! Seriously?! Why?

APDSS22 · September 2013

Congratulations!

I had an engagement of 2 and a half years. It felt like a long time but that's what my hubby and I wanted. I can tell you by wedding day I was SO ready to be married! I had a ton of friends get engaged after me and most got married before me. The one that chose the day after us was the only one that irked me. Mostly because she was a good friend and I didn't see her get married and a lot of our mutual friends missed my wedding. For your own sanity, I'd put some space between them but she gets her day and you get yours.

FutureMrsN3312 · September 2013

She claims she didn't know it was our date. So I sent her the conversations we had via txt when she asked numerous times when our date was.

We got engaged March 2012. Booked the venue in April 2012. December 2012 I started booking everything else. She set her date in February 2013 (after all my venders were booked). And proceeded to tell me I need to move my wedding because she was engaged first. Which was true. She was engaged for over 2 years before booking the same date as me. And the only thing she had booked was her venue.

If roles were reversed and she had the entire day booked I would have moved my date. But to each his (her) own.

misssunshine17 · September 2013

FutureMrsN3312 said:

She claims she didn't know it was our date. So I sent her the conversations we had via txt when she asked numerous times when our date was.

We got engaged March 2012. Booked the venue in April 2012. December 2012 I started booking everything else. She set her date in February 2013 (after all my venders were booked). And proceeded to tell me I need to move my wedding because she was engaged first. Which was true. She was engaged for over 2 years before booking the same date as me. And the only thing she had booked was her venue.

If roles were reversed and she had the entire day booked I would have moved my date. But to each his (her) own.

I hope you sent your save the dates first, if you have any mutual friends!

FutureMrsN3312 · September 2013

We did. Between FI's family being in NY and an overlapping guest list it was a rush to get them done and out a little early but we did get them out first.

They actually had the nerve to send my parents one.

ETA: She posts every wedding move on FB so it's been interesting to see what she's doing and the etiquette rules she's breaking. I was obviously thinking about our STDs but hadn't ordered them. Of course she posted that she was designing them and that got my ass in gear lol

WonderRed · September 2013

You decide your date. No one else. Maybe she was joking but it's still inappropriate.

Congratulations on your engagement.

WonderRed · September 2013

prettybirdy27 said:

Two of my sorority sisters had their weddings on the same day so just about every day for the weeks leading up to it, both of them posted things on facebook that were just jockeying for people to come to theirs. Finally one of them just posted a picture of her invite and said "all my facebook friends are invited to mine! Sorry I didn't send formal invites, but they're too expensive."

There is not a chance in hell I would have attended the wedding of someone who did that.

delujm0 · September 2013

My two best friends and I all ot engaged within 6 months of each other. The order of engagements was: Me, A, B. We are getting married in the following order (within 6 months of each other): B, A, Me. No one cares. A's wedding is literally two weeks before mine. We are all in each other's wedding parties, and no one is being ridiculous about it. When A set her date (after I set mine) she ran it by me to make sure it was ok that she didn't get back from her honeymoon until two days before my date. i told her "i don't need you until the rehearsal at 4pm the day before...and even if you can't make that, it's still fine. Just be there the day of and we're good." So that's what's happening.

It doens't matter who gets married first. FI and i have been together for 9 years, and at least two dozen couples that we know and that started dating after us are already married. There is no standard. It's entirely personal and betwene the two of you. People who seriously care about this kind of thing are nuts.

FWIW my engagement will be 18 months (we wanted 15 but our venue was getting renovated and we couldn't get in there any earlier)...i'm a type-A planner, so we're basically done with everything already. We wish we'd eloped at this point, because there's still 8 months left and we don't feel like we need it at all!

photokitty · September 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Congrats on your engagement! I'm sure there was a (hopefully small) level of jealousy on her part, but definitely get married whenever you want.

My $.02, for what it's worth, is that we will have had a just-under 10-month engagement (got engaged Dec. 21; getting married Oct. 13), and I wish it had been shorter.. I'm to the point where I am READY to be MARRIED and to be done with planning. I know some people need/want longer engagements for a lot of reasons, and I'm not impugning the validity thereof; I'm just offering my perspective.

Ditto! On everything - except I had an 8 month engagement. We didn't want to wait another year to start our life together

Best wishes and good luck!!

JellyBean52513 · September 2013

FutureMrsN3312 said:

We did. Between FI's family being in NY and an overlapping guest list it was a rush to get them done and out a little early but we did get them out first.

They actually had the nerve to send my parents one.

ETA: She posts every wedding move on FB so it's been interesting to see what she's doing and the etiquette rules she's breaking. I was obviously thinking about our STDs but hadn't ordered them. Of course she posted that she was designing them and that got my ass in gear lol

What in the actual fuck? What an asshole!

clg1213 · September 2013

PDKH said:

Congrats!

If she wasn't joking, she's being an asshat. So hopefully she was joking. Plan the wedding you want (and can afford) when you want. Don't pick her date (and honestly, if I were you I'd give myself AT LEAST a couple weeks between dates) and you're fine

She was plain ole rude (the bride, not the quoted poster!!). BUT, I think it would generally be best to avoid being only a couple weeks apart (with EITHER bride first), it would be tough for mutual guests and you'd probably get a good bit of comparison.

hoffse · September 2013

OP, just ignore her. You get one day and she gets one day. The only way in which this could be a problem is if they fall on the same weekend and you are scheduled to be in each other's weddings. Just make sure yours is at least 2 weeks apart from hers (if you are both taking a honeymoon right after) and it should be fine.

FWIW we had an 18 month engagement, and I was chomping at the bit by 9 months. There wasn't much we could do about it because we got engaged literally the first month of my H's first year of law school, and we wanted to wait until he had gotten through the first three semesters, which are much harder and busier than the last three. I was in my third year when we got engaged, and we also wanted to wait until I had graduated, taken the bar exam, and had some form of income before we were married and combining household expenses. We didn't want a winter wedding so we waited until April of his second year. By then I had been practicing for 7 months. It wasn't ideal, and we were both very antsy about getting the whole thing over and done with, but that's what worked for us.

Point is, people need to be on whatever timeline makes sense for them in terms of schedules, finances, and of course the season in which you want to get married.

Regarding spring weddings: we got married the first weekend in April to get it over with before H had to buckle in with his law school exams for that semester. It was a bit risky in terms of weather but we were blessed with an absolutely perfect weekend: high 70's, brilliantly sunny, breezy, and all the spring flowers were still in bloom. It was lovely. Of course, we could have also had thunderstorms and a mini tornado, which is what happened to the weddings the weekend after ours. That's my $0.02 about spring weddings: if your dream wedding requires perfect weather that time of year you might want to re-think. Other than that, it's a great time to be married - we got to kick off wedding season among all our friends, and our flowers were basically half price because everything we used was blooming that time of year.

Chloeagh · September 2013

Wow. FI and I are having a 18 month engagement, and I have two friends getting married before us, both of whom have been in a relationship for shorter periods of time and got engaged after us. The first one, getting married after being together for a year and a 5 month engagement, no issues there! It was insane for her and I wouldn't want to do it. The couple that has been together 4 years and is having a 9 month engagement? Yeah, I'm a little jealous of them because after 4 1/2 years together and 9 months of being engaged, I'm ready to be married like last year. But we have to do it this way, and that is our choice. No one else should have to wait for us.

nextrightthing · September 2013

If she said it in a joking manner, I would just let it go.

We got engaged my last semester of law school, so we planned a 22-month engagement to give us time to get through law school, the bar exam, and securing employment. So needess to say we have a ton of friends and acquaintances (not to mention FI's sister) who got engaged after us and are already married. At first I was jealous, I'll be honest! But I got over it. We've had lots of time to plan, daydream, etc. I enjoyed the long engagemet up to a certain point. At this point we are READY.

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

You get ONE day. She gets ONE day. Plan your day for when you and your FI want. Hopefully, she said what she said in (poor tasted) jest. If so, she won't say another word about it. If she was serious, she's not much of a friend.

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