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Frustrating...

TeriBeri06TeriBeri06 member
First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment 5 Love Its
in Luxury Weddings
Is anyone else running into people who are a little too involved with the financial side of things? My fiancé's parents seem to ask about how much we're spending often and even asked to see our budget, then proceeded to tell us that the only price on the budget they thought was sensible was the amount allotted for the wedding bands. His father has suggested on several occasions that we find businesses who will sponsor our wedding. -_- I don't think it would bother me so much if they were paying for anything, they aren't, and we have not and will not ask them to. My fiancé, my parents, and I will be paying for the wedding. I feel like they're not concerned about our financial well being more so than trying to get us to have the kind of wedding they think is appropriate. It's just really frustrating because they do and say uncomfortably weird things all the time, and I really feel like the financial side of the wedding is none of their business since we don't even expect them to pay for their own formalwear. Sigh...sorry random rant, but my question is this: How many of you are having similar issues and what do you do to not let the comments and questions frustrate you?

Teri
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Re: Frustrating...

  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    TeriBeri06 said:
    Is anyone else running into people who are a little too involved with the financial side of things? My fiancé's parents seem to ask about how much we're spending often and even asked to see our budget, then proceeded to tell us that the only price on the budget they thought was sensible was the amount allotted for the wedding bands. His father has suggested on several occasions that we find businesses who will sponsor our wedding. -_- I don't think it would bother me so much if they were paying for anything, they aren't, and we have not and will not ask them to. My fiancé, my parents, and I will be paying for the wedding. I feel like they're not concerned about our financial well being more so than trying to get us to have the kind of wedding they think is appropriate. It's just really frustrating because they do and say uncomfortably weird things all the time, and I really feel like the financial side of the wedding is none of their business since we don't even expect them to pay for their own formalwear. Sigh...sorry random rant, but my question is this: How many of you are having similar issues and what do you do to not let the comments and questions frustrate you?

    Teri
    Seriously? There are so many things wrong with that. As long as you are having the wedding you can afford, not going into debt, and you are not accepting any money from them, then they need to get over it. It's none of their business and when they ask you about financials, just respond saying that you have everything under control and it's within your budget.

     







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  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    That sounds incredibly frustrating! I would stop bringing up wedding things around them and definitely stop answering their financial questions! If they ask something about financials respond with that you have everything under control and have worked out a budget that you and FI are comfortable with. If they keep snooping, just flat out say, "we are not comfortable discussing our finances with you." It might not be a bad idea to have FI talk to them about how inappropriate and uncomfortable these questions/comments make him.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
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  • AjulianaAjuliana member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Sponsoring?  Just no.  

    Any why are his parents being shown the budget breakdown?  That is just weird, I mean, it doesn't sound like they are paying for it!
    image

    Previously Alaynajuliana


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  • TeriBeri06TeriBeri06 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment 5 Love Its
    Idk...my fiance shares when they ask and I'm not sure how to tell him I'm uncomfortable with them asking so often and offering their two cents on how we (My FI, my parents, and I) spending on the wedding b/c they aren't gonna help out and we don't expect them to. I jsut find all the comments really offensive and intrusive...but I also don't want to offenc my Fiance by asking that he not share these things with his parents while mine are so heavily involved.
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I think you need to point out to your FI that he is sharing YOUR PARENTS financial decisions and amounts with his parents and that is incredibly inappropriate.  As a MOB, it would be an understatement to say I would be pissed that my FSIL is sharing what I am paying for things.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    TeriBeri06 said:
    Idk...my fiance shares when they ask and I'm not sure how to tell him I'm uncomfortable with them asking so often and offering their two cents on how we (My FI, my parents, and I) spending on the wedding b/c they aren't gonna help out and we don't expect them to. I jsut find all the comments really offensive and intrusive...but I also don't want to offenc my Fiance by asking that he not share these things with his parents while mine are so heavily involved.
    I think this is a communication issue btw you and your fi. If your FILs ask about money, say you have it all budgted and its taken care of. Then change the subject. I would also stop sharing any wedding details with your FILs, it gives them an opportunity to comment.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    KatWAG said:
    TeriBeri06 said:
    Idk...my fiance shares when they ask and I'm not sure how to tell him I'm uncomfortable with them asking so often and offering their two cents on how we (My FI, my parents, and I) spending on the wedding b/c they aren't gonna help out and we don't expect them to. I jsut find all the comments really offensive and intrusive...but I also don't want to offenc my Fiance by asking that he not share these things with his parents while mine are so heavily involved.
    I think this is a communication issue btw you and your fi. If your FILs ask about money, say you have it all budgted and its taken care of. Then change the subject. I would also stop sharing any wedding details with your FILs, it gives them an opportunity to comment.
    This. Plus, if you cannot communicate with your FI about finances and family now, just wait until you are married and have your own family. It just gets more difficult with time and as your life progresses. You need to clear the air with your FI now and set a precendent.

     







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  • Lauderdale PinkLauderdale Pink member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    Once again, I am stunned by the utter nerve of grooms' parents who do not think they have financial obligations for a wedding.  I had no idea, until my daughter's wedding, that such an antiquated idea was still floating around.  The minute I found out the budget my future-daughter-in-law's parents had for the wedding, I offered up half, end of story.  My son is half of the wedding.  If I could not afford half, I would have A) asked for an adjustment in the overall budget or B) would have told them what I was able to send and talked about it like adults.  
    I agree with Jells.  If you do not set the tone now, you will forever be explaining your every purchase to his parents. 
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  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Lauderdale Pink said:

    Once again, I am stunned by the utter nerve of grooms' parents who do not think they have financial obligations for a wedding.  I had no idea, until my daughter's wedding, that such an antiquated idea was still floating around.  The minute I found out the budget my future-daughter-in-law's parents had for the wedding, I offered up half, end of story.  My son is half of the wedding.  If I could not afford half, I would have A) asked for an adjustment in the overall budget or B) would have told them what I was able to send and talked about it like adults.  

    I agree with Jells.  If you do not set the tone now, you will forever be explaining your every purchase to his parents. 
    I think it's wonderful that you happily contributed to your son's wedding, but not everyone can or wants to do so. Parents have no obligation to contribute to their child's wedding, regardless of that child's gender.

    Grooms' parents do not have a financial obligation for the wedding. Brides' parents don't either.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
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  • TeriBeri06TeriBeri06 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment 5 Love Its

    I think I'm bothered more by the fact that I'm really not getting what their intentions are. I guess I'm frustrated because of the ring comment, and then there was the "American women just want to brag about how much they spent on their wedding" comment...I guess more than anything I want to know what is motivating them to ask these questions. If they want to help then that's straight forward discussion we can have, and if they don't that's fine. It didn't bother me the first time they asked...but the second, third, and fourth were a bit much. I'll have a talk with my Fiance and go from there.

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  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited September 2013
    Lauderdale Pink said:
    Once again, I am stunned by the utter nerve of grooms' parents who do not think they have financial obligations for a wedding.  I had no idea, until my daughter's wedding, that such an antiquated idea was still floating around.  The minute I found out the budget my future-daughter-in-law's parents had for the wedding, I offered up half, end of story.  My son is half of the wedding.  If I could not afford half, I would have A) asked for an adjustment in the overall budget or B) would have told them what I was able to send and talked about it like adults.  
    I agree with Jells.  If you do not set the tone now, you will forever be explaining your every purchase to his parents. 


    I agree with pps- noone is obligated to contribute any money. My Ex-ILs did not contribute one penny to my first wedding. I didn't need their help, and honestly, if they has offered, I still would have turned it down because they would have been terrible to deal with.

    Also, to the bolded- I didn't necessarily mean setting a tone with the parents. Yes- that is important to do, but I meant that it would be wise to talk to the FI NOW about how they will handle not just the ILs, but also just their own finances. You can't go into a marriage being afraid to talk about money and family. It just spells disaster!

     







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  • pbi9994pbi9994 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    TeriBeri06 said:

    I think I'm bothered more by the fact that I'm really not getting what their intentions are. I guess I'm frustrated because of the ring comment, and then there was the "American women just want to brag about how much they spent on their wedding" comment...I guess more than anything I want to know what is motivating them to ask these questions. If they want to help then that's straight forward discussion we can have, and if they don't that's fine. It didn't bother me the first time they asked...but the second, third, and fourth were a bit much. I'll have a talk with my Fiance and go from there.

    I've had a similar issue with my FILs. They found out about the budget (because FI was open with them about it) and they won't stop talking about it. The cat's out of the bag now, and I chalk it up to them wanting something to talk about. When the time rolls around, and they get to be a part of things, I think they will come around to why we wanted to do it the way we did. And they'll either enjoy it or they won't.

    I hope you can find that kind of middle ground with them, but if not, you might just want to shrug your shoulders and change the subject.
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  • Lauderdale PinkLauderdale Pink member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    NYCBruin, I get it that nobody is "obligated" to pay for a wedding.  The idea that is so very frustrating is that I keep hearing how grooms' families are set in the belief that it is the "brides wedding" and they have zero financial part in things but should be allowed to invite their family and friends and have a say in the decisions.  What makes it right for these people to believe that they and their families should be treated to a party that may cost hundreds of dollars per person?
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I think you need to get on the same page with your FI regarding how you want to handle finances and conversations about finances with other people - including each others' families. Try bringing it up this way, "FI, now that we are merging our lives together, I think it's time to have a conversation about how we handle joint purchases and what we BOTH are comfortable discussing with others. What are your thoughts on these things?" Listen to his thoughts. Speak your thoughts. Let him know that even if he IS comfortable, you are not. Since the conversation concerns you, you'd prefer he not discuss it with them. Come to an understanding and agreement.

    Personally, there are topics I will not discuss with certain people outside my relationship. Money. Sex. My job. We all have our things that we're not comfortable discussing with people. Make sure he knows this about you.
    *********************************************************************************

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  • TeriBeri06TeriBeri06 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment 5 Love Its
     
    southernbelle0915 said:
    I think you need to get on the same page with your FI regarding how you want to handle finances and conversations about finances with other people - including each others' families. Try bringing it up this way, "FI, now that we are merging our lives together, I think it's time to have a conversation about how we handle joint purchases and what we BOTH are comfortable discussing with others. What are your thoughts on these things?" Listen to his thoughts. Speak your thoughts. Let him know that even if he IS comfortable, you are not. Since the conversation concerns you, you'd prefer he not discuss it with them. Come to an understanding and agreement.

    Personally, there are topics I will not discuss with certain people outside my relationship. Money. Sex. My job. We all have our things that we're not comfortable discussing with people. Make sure he knows this about you.
     
    That is exactly what I did, and once he understood that it wasn't about keeping secrets from his parents or shunning them, he agreed to be less indepth with them about that topic. He and I talk openly about money to each other, but as adults I told him our parents didn't need to know how we were spending every dime (unless it belonged to them)

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  • ruthejp13ruthejp13 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    TeriBeri06 said:

    I think I'm bothered more by the fact that I'm really not getting what their intentions are. I guess I'm frustrated because of the ring comment, and then there was the "American women just want to brag about how much they spent on their wedding" comment...I guess more than anything I want to know what is motivating them to ask these questions. If they want to help then that's straight forward discussion we can have, and if they don't that's fine. It didn't bother me the first time they asked...but the second, third, and fourth were a bit much. I'll have a talk with my Fiance and go from there.

    Then ask. When they ask a question that you are uncomfortable with or even make a comment that upsets you, simply say, "Why do you ask?" "I'm curious why you think that?"
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