Dry Wedding!?

Jen4948 · September 2013

cmelliott said:

Jen4948 said:

jenniferurs said:

They're not forced to buy alcohol if they do not wish to. But if they prefer for the option to be there, I'm not sure why honoring their wishes would be the worst thing.

Because it creates an unreasonable expectation that alcohol or something else the hosts don't want to provide should be present every time, even if the hosts can't afford it or don't want to serve it. It puts alcohol or the lack thereof over the feelings of the hosts.

And it's actually pretty inconsiderate and contemptuous of the hosts for the guests to run out and buy something the hosts are not offering.

Unfortunately, alcohol is a big thing at parties so even if the hosts can't afford it, maybe they want it. A cash bar can even benefit the hosts and let them have some alcohol too when they couldn't afford an open bar. I've had guests request it of me to have alcohol, even if it was in form of cash bar so since I want it and the guests want it, why not have it?

Because it's rude! It's also more mature to accept that sometimes hosts aren't going to provide it rather than expect it to be available all the time. Learn to have fun without alcohol, for crying out loud. Your guests need to grow up and accept that alcohol isn't going to be available. Stop spoiling them already.

Alcohol should not be more important at a wedding, or even a party, than the company of your guests. If you can't enjoy one without alcohol, free or not, it suggests that you and/or your guests are immature.

ls3475 · September 2013

When I attend a wedding, I'm very honored to be invited and I attend with no expections of the event being over the top dripping with lots of alcohol, 7 course meals, expensive favors etc.

I'm there to share the wedding of someone who wanted me there. If the couple breaks etiquette, it's not the end of the world to me personally as I don't keep score.

Alcohol, no alcohol, it's about enjoying the day and I can do that without alcohol. So as a guest, alcohol is not important.

Jen4948 · September 2013

ls3475 said:

When I attend a wedding, I'm very honored to be invited and I attend with no expections of the event being over the top dripping with lots of alcohol, 7 course meals, expensive favors etc.

I'm there to share the wedding of someone who wanted me there. If the couple breaks etiquette, it's not the end of the world to me personally as I don't keep score.

Beautifully put!

jenniferurs · September 2013

Jen4948 said:

jenniferurs said:

They're not forced to buy alcohol if they do not wish to. But if they prefer for the option to be there, I'm not sure why honoring their wishes would be the worst thing.

Because it creates an unreasonable expectation that alcohol or something else the hosts don't want to provide should be present every time, even if the hosts can't afford it or don't want to serve it. It puts alcohol or the lack thereof over the feelings of the hosts.

And it's actually pretty inconsiderate and contemptuous of the hosts for the guests to run out and buy something the hosts are not offering.

Feelings of the host? I'm operating under the assumption that the host is not morally opposed to serving alcohol and would love to, but for budget acting as a constraint. The "feelings of the hosts" don't really come into play in that scenario, especially if the host is asking what their preference is and they simply give their honest response.

I guess I just don't get easily offended. If someone offered me something at my own cost that they couldn't afford, I'd thank them for the choice and decide which one I wanted to make. Especially if I were asked in advance what I wanted and I specifically said that I wanted that choice to be available to me.

Jen4948 · September 2013

@jenniferurs, the fact that you don't get offended doesn't mean that many others won't get offended by cash bars or having to pay for things at what should be a hosted event. Etiquette is not going to change to accommodate this personal preference for cash bars.

cmelliott · September 2013

jenniferurs said:

Jen4948 said:

jenniferurs said:

They're not forced to buy alcohol if they do not wish to. But if they prefer for the option to be there, I'm not sure why honoring their wishes would be the worst thing.

Because it creates an unreasonable expectation that alcohol or something else the hosts don't want to provide should be present every time, even if the hosts can't afford it or don't want to serve it. It puts alcohol or the lack thereof over the feelings of the hosts.

And it's actually pretty inconsiderate and contemptuous of the hosts for the guests to run out and buy something the hosts are not offering.

Feelings of the host? I'm operating under the assumption that the host is not morally opposed to serving alcohol and would love to, but for budget acting as a constraint. The "feelings of the hosts" don't really come into play in that scenario, especially if the host is asking what their preference is and they simply give their honest response.
I guess I just don't get easily offended. If someone offered me something at my own cost that they couldn't afford, I'd thank them for the choice and decide which one I wanted to make. Especially if I were asked in advance what I wanted and I specifically said that I wanted that choice to be available to me.

That's because you're reasonable. No one in either of our families or friends would throw a fit and stop speaking to us if we had a cash bar. Sometimes the people you love and having a good time with them is more important than if you had the right table linens, the right wording on your invites, or a cash bar.

jenniferurs · September 2013

Jen4948 said:

@jenniferurs, the fact that you don't get offended doesn't mean that many others won't get offended by cash bars or having to pay for things at what should be a hosted event. Etiquette is not going to change to accommodate this personal preference for cash bars.

Again, I have no dog in this fight. I'm having an open bar. But if someone has asked their guests in advance which they'd prefer and they've indicated that their preference is a cash bar, then it'd be awfully strange of them to suddenly become offended once there.

Jen4948 · September 2013

jenniferurs said:

Jen4948 said:

@jenniferurs, the fact that you don't get offended doesn't mean that many others won't get offended by cash bars or having to pay for things at what should be a hosted event. Etiquette is not going to change to accommodate this personal preference for cash bars.

Again, I have no dog in this fight. I'm having an open bar. But if someone has asked their guests in advance which they'd prefer and they've indicated that their preference is a cash bar, then it'd be awfully strange of them to suddenly become offended once there.

I'm sure they wouldn't be offended, but it's still not appropriate to charge them for alcohol. If you want to serve it so badly and they want it so badly, do them a favor and provide it at no cost to your guests! Cut costs somewhere else and provide the alcohol for free. That's called budgeting.

jenniferurs · September 2013

Jen4948 said:

jenniferurs said:

Jen4948 said:

@jenniferurs, the fact that you don't get offended doesn't mean that many others won't get offended by cash bars or having to pay for things at what should be a hosted event. Etiquette is not going to change to accommodate this personal preference for cash bars.

Again, I have no dog in this fight. I'm having an open bar. But if someone has asked their guests in advance which they'd prefer and they've indicated that their preference is a cash bar, then it'd be awfully strange of them to suddenly become offended once there.

I'm sure they wouldn't be offended, but it's still not appropriate to charge them for alcohol. If you want to serve it so badly and they want it so badly, do them a favor and provide it at no cost to your guests! Cut costs somewhere else and provide the alcohol for free. That's called budgeting.

I agree and that's what I've done. I'm speaking about the bride who obviously has failed to budget for that portion of the event. I agree that if the general sentiment is that the guests want alcohol and the hosts want to serve it, the host SHOULD budget in a way to provide for it. That being said, when a host fails to do so and they're left to choose between cash bar and dry wedding, I'm just saying that I'd personally prefer a cash bar and I know many others who would feel the same. And if a bride's guests all fall under that category, I don't see a problem with it, even if it is technically a faux-pas.

Jen4948 · September 2013

jenniferurs said:

Jen4948 said:

jenniferurs said:

Jen4948 said:

@jenniferurs, the fact that you don't get offended doesn't mean that many others won't get offended by cash bars or having to pay for things at what should be a hosted event. Etiquette is not going to change to accommodate this personal preference for cash bars.

Again, I have no dog in this fight. I'm having an open bar. But if someone has asked their guests in advance which they'd prefer and they've indicated that their preference is a cash bar, then it'd be awfully strange of them to suddenly become offended once there.

I'm sure they wouldn't be offended, but it's still not appropriate to charge them for alcohol. If you want to serve it so badly and they want it so badly, do them a favor and provide it at no cost to your guests! Cut costs somewhere else and provide the alcohol for free. That's called budgeting.

I agree and that's what I've done. I'm speaking about the bride who obviously has failed to budget for that portion of the event. I agree that if the general sentiment is that the guests want alcohol and the hosts want to serve it, the host SHOULD budget in a way to provide for it. That being said, when a host fails to do so and they're left to choose between cash bar and dry wedding, I'm just saying that I'd personally prefer a cash bar and I know many others who would feel the same. And if a bride's guests all fall under that category, I don't see a problem with it, even if it is technically a faux-pas.

That anyone prefers it does not overturn this aspect of etiquette. Even if you don't have a problem with it, many other people do-perhaps even some whom you think are fine with it. They just may not have chosen to make that clear to you.

@jenniferurs, we're not getting anywhere debating this. The plain fact of the matter is that etiquette does not endorse cash bars in any form at hosted events including weddings, guests are not polite in expecting them or preferring them, and hosts are not polite in providing them.

happyfor25 · September 2013

If you know that you have many guests who enjoy drinking at a wedding, why would you not take this into consideration at the initial planning stage? If you and your guests would like to drink at your wedding, then you budget accordingly. You cut the guest list or choose a less expensive venue or you choose more budget-friendly food options or you forego elaborate flower arrangements or you spend less on your dress, the list goes on. You just need to plan for it.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

Deleted due to cmelliott = troll...

and I like this GIF.

cmelliott · September 2013

Dreamergirl8812 said:

cmelliott said:

jenniferurs said:

Jen4948 said:

jenniferurs said:

They're not forced to buy alcohol if they do not wish to. But if they prefer for the option to be there, I'm not sure why honoring their wishes would be the worst thing.

Because it creates an unreasonable expectation that alcohol or something else the hosts don't want to provide should be present every time, even if the hosts can't afford it or don't want to serve it. It puts alcohol or the lack thereof over the feelings of the hosts.

And it's actually pretty inconsiderate and contemptuous of the hosts for the guests to run out and buy something the hosts are not offering.

Feelings of the host? I'm operating under the assumption that the host is not morally opposed to serving alcohol and would love to, but for budget acting as a constraint. The "feelings of the hosts" don't really come into play in that scenario, especially if the host is asking what their preference is and they simply give their honest response.
I guess I just don't get easily offended. If someone offered me something at my own cost that they couldn't afford, I'd thank them for the choice and decide which one I wanted to make. Especially if I were asked in advance what I wanted and I specifically said that I wanted that choice to be available to me.

That's because you're reasonable. No one in either of our families or friends would throw a fit and stop speaking to us if we had a cash bar. Sometimes the people you love and having a good time with them is more important than if you had the right table linens, the right wording on your invites, or a cash bar.

Do you remember that "vision" of your wedding you keep talking about? If you envision certain table linens, you pay for them. Is that confusing? Probably not. If you envision having alcohol at your wedding, you pay for it.

With that being said, do you know the difference between certain table linens and charging your guests? Linens look nice, or don't. You don't offer appetizers and then charge people who want dinner. That would be rude and tacky.

And yes, there are a lot of rude and tacky people out there (see this thread), but that doesn't mean it's not rude and tacky.

They are your GUESTS, so treat them like guests.

I budgeted and planned on having beer and wine and then I had requests from many guests to have liquor, whether it was cash bar or anything else. So I chose the option to add that on due to their wish. Oh, and I prefer to treat them as family and friends, not just guests.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

Deleted due to cmelliott = troll.

Abandon thread:

freebread03 · September 2013

@cmelliot Unfortunately, you can't change tacky or rude in people who don't care if they act that way!

freebread03 · September 2013

jenniferurs said:

They're not forced to buy alcohol if they do not wish to. But if they prefer for the option to be there, I'm not sure why honoring their wishes would be the worst thing.

Let's say I fly across the country, stay in a hotel for 3 nights, rent a car, and buy a nice present off your registry. Let's say this set me back 2k, which is a considerable sum. Then, I show up at your wedding, and you ask me to pay for a drink! At this point, I really want a drink, but I've spent 2k on your wedding and really can't afford to rack up a bar tab on top of all the other expenses I've incurred by attending your wedding. So sure, I'd love to have a drink, but I can't afford to because I spent so much to get there. That's why properly hosting your guests is what is required, not asking them to further open their wallets because you couldnt find other ways to cut costs (or heaven forbid, decided to have a dry wedding).

cmelliott · September 2013

Dreamergirl8812 said:

You charge your friends and family?

Well as family and friends they not only understand our situation, but they feel comfortable asking for something they may want. Which is why I took them up on their request for a cash bar.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

Deleted due to cmelliot = troll.

cmelliott · September 2013

Dreamergirl8812 said:

cmelliott said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

You charge your friends and family?

Well as family and friends they not only understand our situation, but they feel comfortable asking for something they may want. Which is why I took them up on their request for a cash bar.

You don't have a situation. You are not starving, you are not without shelter, you are having a wedding.

So you are going as far as to not only assume you know everything about everything for weddings, but now everyone's whole lives and everything in it? lol

grumbledore · September 2013

mc4dj13 said:
Grumble-snore: Not very lady-like from someone who is posting about etiquette on a wedding board, don't you think?

Aren't you cute. Nothing I wrote was rude. As usual.

cruffino · September 2013

cmelliott said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

cmelliott said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

You charge your friends and family?

Well as family and friends they not only understand our situation, but they feel comfortable asking for something they may want. Which is why I took them up on their request for a cash bar.

You don't have a situation. You are not starving, you are not without shelter, you are having a wedding.

So you are going as far as to not only assume you know everything about everything for weddings, but now everyone's whole lives and everything in it? lol

It's enough to know that weddings are a luxury for everyone, not a "situation".

cmelliott · September 2013

cruffino said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

cmelliott said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

You charge your friends and family?

Well as family and friends they not only understand our situation, but they feel comfortable asking for something they may want. Which is why I took them up on their request for a cash bar.

You don't have a situation. You are not starving, you are not without shelter, you are having a wedding.

So you are going as far as to not only assume you know everything about everything for weddings, but now everyone's whole lives and everything in it? lol
It's enough to know that weddings are a luxury for everyone, not a "situation".

A lot of people have more to life than just their wedding lol. Which can affect planning and money.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

Deleted due to cmelliot = troll.

Don't feed the troll!

cmelliott · September 2013

Dreamergirl8812 said:

cmelliott said:

cruffino said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

cmelliott said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

You charge your friends and family?

Well as family and friends they not only understand our situation, but they feel comfortable asking for something they may want. Which is why I took them up on their request for a cash bar.

You don't have a situation. You are not starving, you are not without shelter, you are having a wedding.

So you are going as far as to not only assume you know everything about everything for weddings, but now everyone's whole lives and everything in it? lol
It's enough to know that weddings are a luxury for everyone, not a "situation".

A lot of people have more to life than just their wedding lol. Which can affect planning and money.

I'm don't think you know what lol means. Or you don't know how to word correctly.

And that's exactly the point. There are a lot of things more important than your wedding. It is a luxury.

I know it means I'm laughing at people's ridiculousness. So if something happens in the middle or towards the end of planning that throws us for a loop we just drop the whole wedding and lose all the money we've put into it? Gosh you must have a lot of money to throw around for that kinda stuff. I had a place booked that decided last minute to sell on me and send me my money back and I had to scramble around last minute and found a place, and this place made me use their bar package which was a bit more expensive so I picked the beer and wine package...well you know the rest cause I've already repeated this part a million times.

cruffino · September 2013

cmelliott said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

cmelliott said:

cruffino said:

cmelliott said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

cmelliott said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

You charge your friends and family?

Well as family and friends they not only understand our situation, but they feel comfortable asking for something they may want. Which is why I took them up on their request for a cash bar.

You don't have a situation. You are not starving, you are not without shelter, you are having a wedding.

So you are going as far as to not only assume you know everything about everything for weddings, but now everyone's whole lives and everything in it? lol
It's enough to know that weddings are a luxury for everyone, not a "situation".

A lot of people have more to life than just their wedding lol. Which can affect planning and money.

I'm don't think you know what lol means. Or you don't know how to word correctly.

And that's exactly the point. There are a lot of things more important than your wedding. It is a luxury.

I know it means I'm laughing at people's ridiculousness. So if something happens in the middle or towards the end of planning that throws us for a loop we just drop the whole wedding and lose all the money we've put into it? Gosh you must have a lot of money to throw around for that kinda stuff. I had a place booked that decided last minute to sell on me and send me my money back and I had to scramble around last minute and found a place, and this place made me use their bar package which was a bit more expensive so I picked the beer and wine package...well you know the rest cause I've already repeated this part a million times.

So you're having a beer and wine package situation?

cmelliott · September 2013

cruffino said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

cmelliott said:

cruffino said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

cmelliott said:

Dreamergirl8812 said:

You charge your friends and family?

Well as family and friends they not only understand our situation, but they feel comfortable asking for something they may want. Which is why I took them up on their request for a cash bar.

You don't have a situation. You are not starving, you are not without shelter, you are having a wedding.

So you are going as far as to not only assume you know everything about everything for weddings, but now everyone's whole lives and everything in it? lol
It's enough to know that weddings are a luxury for everyone, not a "situation".

A lot of people have more to life than just their wedding lol. Which can affect planning and money.

I'm don't think you know what lol means. Or you don't know how to word correctly.

And that's exactly the point. There are a lot of things more important than your wedding. It is a luxury.

I know it means I'm laughing at people's ridiculousness. So if something happens in the middle or towards the end of planning that throws us for a loop we just drop the whole wedding and lose all the money we've put into it? Gosh you must have a lot of money to throw around for that kinda stuff. I had a place booked that decided last minute to sell on me and send me my money back and I had to scramble around last minute and found a place, and this place made me use their bar package which was a bit more expensive so I picked the beer and wine package...well you know the rest cause I've already repeated this part a million times.
So you're having a beer and wine package situation?

No, I HAD a "lost my venue" situation, which led to the beer and wine package (which is the relevant part to this forum).

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

cmelliott said:

Here's a question, why is it tacky to have a cash bar when you're not forcing your guests to drink? Why is it tacky to ask them to pay for something that they may want when you're not forcing them to drink? Why is it tacky to give them a free meal and entertainment and have something that they can pay for, only if they want? Why is it tacky to have purchasable alcohol at a wedding they didn't have to attend? I see a lot of people harping that things are tacky or not etiquette but they never explain why. Especially when there are different forms of etiquette all over the world. So I ask you, why?

You're also not forcing them to drink water, or soda, or eat their meal. Does that mean they should pay for those things if they choose to partake?

You're also not forcing them to dance...does that mean you should charge admission to enter the dance floor.

You're not forcing them to eat dessert. Does that mean they should pay for a slice of cake?

This is piss poor logic. You're not forcing them to do anything. So, if they want to indulge in alcohol (which you will give them the opportunity to with a cash bar), why should they have to pay for it?

meghansheaodo · September 2013

Thanks everyone for your input. I think I will ask my guests if they would prefer the option o cash bar or dry. It's simply not in my budget, as I already have a very small budget. I didn't realize it was a faux pas until I read that post earlier today. I had thought, through my experiences and conversations that it was a completely acceptable thing. I was just looking for input. Didn't want to start anything between anyone... Thank you all again!

grumbledore · September 2013

cmelliott said:

KeptInStitches said:

@cmelliot, let's say you had a dinner party. You serve your guests pasta with chicken. You tell them if they pay extra, they can have lobster. You'd never do that, right? Cash bars are no different.

This is a good example. It was a little more explanatory than "because etiquette says so". However, I'm still not convinced a cash bar is the end of the world. I suppose you just can't change some people's minds lol.

I've never seen "because etiquette says so" given as a reason. You're being annoying.

MuppetOverlord · September 2013

I feel like this is Groundhog's day again.

It's okay that you're not personally offended by a cash bar. I'm used to it. I'm not personally offended by it. I'm certainly no subjecting my guests to it. I am having a limited bar that I can afford. As someone else mentioned earlier, I also cut from my guest list when factoring what kind of wedding I wanted into my budget so that I could afford it.

But a few requests for liquor availability isn't going to tell you how everyone feels. I have several people in my family telling me I'm being wasteful by not having a cash bar. The people telling me this don't drink alcohol!

If I polled all of my guests, they're all going to tell me it's okay if I couldn't afford alcohol and have a cash bar. I guarantee you that 25% of the people coming will be secretly offended by the prospect. They just don't want to make me feel bad.

I really think you have the right idea with beer and wine. Maybe add a signature drink? Or have an afternoon wedding? Typically food is less expensive in the afternoon that frees up from your budget...or cut out something extra from your budget.

Partial bars are super confusing and embarrassing. You go up and wine is free. You go back and order something else and they ask for money and all you brought is a tip...

Dry Wedding!?

Re: Dry Wedding!?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards