Here's a legitimate question to what you just stated, I am having a cash bar and paid for it so there's no changing that. Is there a way to let people know that beer and wine is free but hard liquor is not in a tactful way so I don't have confused guests like you just mentioned? And do not say "don't have a cash bar" lol.
Make a sign on pretty paper. You can frame it in a picture frame, the way some people do menus.
Say:
"Dear Guests,
Please enjoy complimentary wine and beer during our wedding festivities. If you'd like a cocktail, I hope you brought cash because there is no ATM in this building.
Make a sign on pretty paper. You can frame it in a picture frame, the way some people do menus.
Say:
"Dear Guests,
Please enjoy complimentary wine and beer during our wedding festivities. If you'd like a cocktail, I hope you brought cash because there is no ATM in this building.
@cmelliott...I want to think that you came to this board with the best intentions and want to treat your friends and family well. Perhaps having so many people disagree with something you thought was perfectly fine took you by surprise. I can understand that you got defensive when you felt outnumbered but please take a step back, take a deep breath and realize that no one here has any stake in what you choose to do on your wedding day. We have to assume that you posted on an etiquette board because you truly want to host your guests properly and our responses will reflect that. Take the advice as you wish. If this many strangers feel a certain way, then it stands to reason that at least some of your family and friends will too.
@cmelliott...I want to think that you came to this board with the best intentions and want to treat your friends and family well. Perhaps having so many people disagree with something you thought was perfectly fine took you by surprise. I can understand that you got defensive when you felt outnumbered but please take a step back, take a deep breath and realize that no one here has any stake in what you choose to do on your wedding day. We have to assume that you posted on an etiquette board because you truly want to host your guests properly and our responses will reflect that. Take the advice as you wish. If this many strangers feel a certain way, then it stands to reason that at least some of your family and friends will too.
i only get defensive when people are unnecessarily rude. and i absolutely know that i will do what i want and i plan to. but do you see that i asked a legitimate question? i'm not sure you saw that. that is what my last response was about.
@cmelliott...I want to think that you came to this board with the best intentions and want to treat your friends and family well. Perhaps having so many people disagree with something you thought was perfectly fine took you by surprise. I can understand that you got defensive when you felt outnumbered but please take a step back, take a deep breath and realize that no one here has any stake in what you choose to do on your wedding day. We have to assume that you posted on an etiquette board because you truly want to host your guests properly and our responses will reflect that. Take the advice as you wish. If this many strangers feel a certain way, then it stands to reason that at least some of your family and friends will too.
i only get defensive when people are unnecessarily rude. and i absolutely know that i will do what i want and i plan to. but do you see that i asked a legitimate question? i'm not sure you saw that. that is what my last response was about.
And my post was in response to ALL of your posts that I've seen today. I think ALL of your responses seem defensive and I was trying to....nevermind
Here's a legitimate question to what you just stated, I am having a cash bar and paid for it so there's no changing that. Is there a way to let people know that beer and wine is free but hard liquor is not in a tactful way so I don't have confused guests like you just mentioned? And do not say "don't have a cash bar" lol.
There isn't a "tactful" way to do this except to cancel the cash bar or to pay the bar tab.
What do you mean by that you've paid for it already?
If your venue was refusing to allow a limited bar, we would suggest posting a sign at the bar with the "hosted" options.
With a lot of your comments tonight, it honestly feels like you're only intention is to try to stir the pot and get people to argue with you. I'm not sure what you want from us or if you're serious about wanting advice.
You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you
marry a Muppet Overlord.
Coming from a nation where cash bars are the absolute norm I have a question.........
The analogy of a dinner party comes up a lot and I totally get the point. However.... If I have a dinner party and I'm serving wine and one of my friends arrives with a nice bottle of wine... And a six pack cos he doesn't drink wine. Someone else brings some vodka...... That would never offend me and I wouldn't think anyone was being ungracious.
How is this any different than my serving wine with dinner at the wedding and people having the option to 'bring' (via the bar) beer to the party?
Also the analogy of someone being able to buy the lobster at my dinner party - again I get it to a point- however when I go to a dinner party I expect just that....... Dinner. That's it. If I want alcohol (and I know the host is ok with alcohol being consumed) I will being my own. When I get there if the host is providing alcohol I'll be thrilled but I wouldn't have arrived expecting it.
Havana, your analogy doesn't really work here. It's very different. When's the last time you brought a bottle of vodka to a wedding for consumption?
1) Your friends aren't bringing alcohol to your wedding, unless maybe it's a backyard BBQ or they have a flask (which could get them thrown out of a venue).
2) When your guests are thirsty at your home, you don't offer them diet coke or beer for free, and then try to charge them for wine.
3) Your wedding is a thank you to your guests. They are taking the time out of their lives to share in this event in your lives. If you took someone out to dinner to thank them, do you pay only for their meal but make them pay if they want a sprite or beer? "Hey Fred, I know I was taking you out today, but that'll be $4 for that beer you ordered".
4) As a hosted guest at a wedding (normally at a venue) you should expect a meal and refreshments that may or may not include alcohol. Again, (excluding backyard weddings and people who sneak flasks) normal people don't bring alcohol with them to wedding venues any more than they do a restaurant (and to cover my bases, I'll exclude restaurants with a cork fee etc...)
I know you mention things that don't offend *you* and that's fine... but I want to note that it's not about what offends you. It's still against etiquette and considered rude, regardless of how you feel about it.
You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you
marry a Muppet Overlord.
I wasn't talking about bringing alcohol to the wedding - I'm equating the bringing of it to a dinner party to the purchasing if it at the bar at a wedding.
If my friends are thirsty in my house they can have anything that's in the cupboard that they want. If there is nothing there that they like and they have bright something with them that they do, then they may drink it.
If I bring them out to dinner (and using the same logic people use here about hosting what you can afford) of my budget does not allow me to purchase them a top self drink after their meal I am not going to stop them buying one themselves.
Also it was not my analogy - it's one I've seen on here many times and I just wanted some feedback on it.
And finally, I'm just NOT able to accept that 'etiquette' is universal in all instances. I believe that culture and the passing of time all influence it. Otherwise we still be behaving exactly as we did many years ago about everything.
A dinner party is not the same as a wedding reception. A wedding reception is explicitly a thank you gift to your guests for attending your wedding ceremony. You do not make someone PAY for their own thank you gift.
It's not complicated. If you can only afford dinner as a thank you gift, then that is what you give.
A better analogy for @cmelliott - would you pay for chicken for all your wedding guests but let them upgrade to steak if they pay the extra $? No. That sounds preposterous. And yet it is the EXACT thing you are doing with alcohol.
to be completely honest, i don't see an issue with that either (i'm not doing that of course). i guess i'm just really laid back. i don't get my knickers in a twist over something small and petty.
I didn't realize that it was small and petty to be a good hostess.
it's not. but an issue that 5 years later no one will remember is petty.
The thing is, it's not something that "no one will remember" in five years. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, and maybe to some of your guests it won't be, but I remember every wedding I ever went to where the hosts were rude - whether it was cash bar, no thank you note, not enough food, an unhosted or huge gap, etc. And it colors my feelings about them, because treating the people I care about well is important to me and I expect (rightfully) it to be important to them as well.
Consider that not everyone will forget, and it may change the way they feel about you. For me, if my actions at my wedding made anyone I love think less of me, even if it was just a tiny bit, I would be incredibly sad.
I didn't realize that it was small and petty to be a good hostess.
it's not. but an issue that 5 years later no one will remember is petty.
That's the thing...for those guests who find it rude, they will remember it long after they forget every other aspect of your wedding. My mom often referred to a cash bar wedding that she attended over 20 years ago as the epitome of classless. She remembered. And she never had an alcoholic drink in her life.
i definitely hear what you're saying guys. i guess i just have to remember some people hold grudges (best term i could think of) forever sometimes. it's just hard for me to realize that because i'm the forgive and forget kinda person and try not to let things get in the way of relationships. i unfortunately have paid for the cash bar so there's no going back but i suppose if people get angry enough to hold this against me, maybe we weren't close enough after all.
I see that a lot- people saying they are laid back so it "doesn't bother them." My wedding and style is super laid back. I was never someone who dreamed of her wedding day and all that. It doesn't matter if it bothers you, there are some things that are universally right. Like giving up your seat if you see an elderly person on the train. Its not a matter of opinion that cash bars are wrong, its universally tacky. Here's the thing- you can always afford alcohol at your wedding. You just make choices- whether that's to have a brunch reception and serve mimosas, to cut down the wedding from 150 people to 75, to forgo flowers and center pieces and instead walk down the aisle with a single flower, to find a reception place that lets you bring your own wine and beer wholesale. Or you decide its more important to have all 150 (which is totally valid) and you have a dry wedding. People who have cash bars said I want to serve alcohol but I don't want to pay for it. So instead of cutting down anything that affects me like flowers, the dress, photographer, I will just have my guests pay for it. That's what drives me crazy about cash bars. I am looking around and seeing that you chose a country club to fit your vision, but decided you could get away with making me pay for the alcohol. So now I've paid 400 for 2 flights, 100 hotel room (maybe for 2 nights), 100 or whatever for your gift, more if I went to your shower, and now I get to the "thank you" part of the evening, and you want me to pay for my own drinks.
I see that a lot- people saying they are laid back so it "doesn't bother them." My wedding and style is super laid back. I was never someone who dreamed of her wedding day and all that. It doesn't matter if it bothers you, there are some things that are universally right. Like giving up your seat if you see an elderly person on the train. Its not a matter of opinion that cash bars are wrong, its universally tacky. Here's the thing- you can always afford alcohol at your wedding. You just make choices- whether that's to have a brunch reception and serve mimosas, to cut down the wedding from 150 people to 75, to forgo flowers and center pieces and instead walk down the aisle with a single flower, to find a reception place that lets you bring your own wine and beer wholesale. Or you decide its more important to have all 150 (which is totally valid) and you have a dry wedding. People who have cash bars said I want to serve alcohol but I don't want to pay for it. So instead of cutting down anything that affects me like flowers, the dress, photographer, I will just have my guests pay for it. That's what drives me crazy about cash bars. I am looking around and seeing that you chose a country club to fit your vision, but decided you could get away with making me pay for the alcohol. So now I've paid 400 for 2 flights, 100 hotel room (maybe for 2 nights), 100 or whatever for your gift, more if I went to your shower, and now I get to the "thank you" part of the evening, and you want me to pay for my own drinks.
no my style of wedding isn't laid back, i'm just the type of person that doesn't let something get to them. and i didn't forego the bar for something else. everything i've done has been cheap (cause we just can't afford a lot) and therefore i chose the beer and wine option. but then i've had multiple guests beg for harder liquor even if it was a cash bar so i honored their wishes.
Anybody know this song? It got stuck in my head reading through this thread...
"And the seasons they go 'round and 'round ,
And the painted ponies go up and down We're captive on the carousel of time We can't return we can only look behind From where we came And go round and round and round In the circle game"
This whole topic confuses me. If alcohol is a priority, then make it a priority and find a way to pay for it. It's not that you can't "afford" a to have an open bar, it's that you want a style of wedding you can't afford and are using a cash bar to push the costs of your wishes onto your guests.
You can have an afternoon/morning reception with or without alcohol. People usually don't expect to drink as much at a morning or afternoon reception, so picking this eliminates the "BUT THE GUESTS WANT IT" problem. Also, you can go this route and probably use the money you saved from moving from an evening to a daytime event to pay for booze. Since people tend to drink less during daytime events, adding alcohol to a daytime wedding is cheaper than adding alcohol to an evening wedding.
You could also choose to have a later evening desert reception. By not having a full meal, you could use that savings to host alcohol.
The reason why people have cash bars is that THE COUPLE wants to have a dinner/evening event that lasts for hours. They want dancing and drinking. They just don't want to pay for it.
It is incredibly rude to push your wishes for an evening event onto your guests by having a cash bar. Host what you can afford.
Yes, you should take your guests' tastes into account when planning your wedding, but that is never an excuse for not properly hosting. My guests would probably prefer lobster. We can't afford that, so we aren't offering it, not giving guests the "option" to upgrade for an extra $20. By the "guest want it" logic, it's ok to charge guests for things since you're just giving them the "option." So if your guests would like to dance, do you charge them to go on the dance floor rather than paying for the DJ/band? Your guests like photobooths, but you can't afford one, do you charge guests $5 to use it? You guests would prefer a fancier venue, do you charge them an entrance fee?
Alcohol is like everything else at weddings outside of an officiant and a marriage license, totally not necessary. If you'd like to have it, you need to pay for it.
Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
A dinner party is not the same as a wedding reception. A wedding reception is explicitly a thank you gift to your guests for attending your wedding ceremony. You do not make someone PAY for their own thank you gift.
It's not complicated. If you can only afford dinner as a thank you gift, then that is what you give.
I can't disagree- it is however constantly used on here as an example. It shouldn't be used that way only when it suits. Either it's comparable or it's not.
A dinner party is not the same as a wedding reception. A wedding reception is explicitly a thank you gift to your guests for attending your wedding ceremony. You do not make someone PAY for their own thank you gift.
It's not complicated. If you can only afford dinner as a thank you gift, then that is what you give.
I can't disagree- it is however constantly used on here as an example. It shouldn't be used that way only when it suits. Either it's comparable or it's not.
This is the only way your analogy makes sense:
You invite friends over to your home for a dinner party. When they arrive, you ask what they'd like to drink and tell them you have water, soda, coffee, and wine. They see a bottle of vodka on the counter and ask for that. You tell them it'll cost them $5.
This is exactly how a cash bar works.And it's comparable to a wedding because polite, untacky people would not do this in their home, nor at their wedding.
Or they see the vodka, but I tell them no sorry you can't have it at all? Nor can you bring in that bottle that you purchased yourself.
And again I'll say, it's not my analogy. I don't think they are comparable at all - I asked for an explanation as to why people used it as an analogy when talking about weddings.
Or they see the vodka, but I tell them no sorry you can't have it at all? Nor can you bring in that bottle that you purchased yourself.
And again I'll say, it's not my analogy. I don't think they are comparable at all - I asked for an explanation as to why people used it as an analogy when talking about weddings.
If you're not hosting something, then it shouldn't be out for your guests to see. You also can not bring outside alcohol into a wedding venue. So both of these points are moot, IMO.
Or they see the vodka, but I tell them no sorry you can't have it at all? Nor can you bring in that bottle that you purchased yourself.
And again I'll say, it's not my analogy. I don't think they are comparable at all - I asked for an explanation as to why people used it as an analogy when talking about weddings.
I think it's used as an example by people who are consummate hosts and provide everything for their guests at dinner parties. People frequently ask me if they can bring something to dinner and I will tell them we are all set, because I planned accordingly for hosting guests. If they bring a bottle anyway, it's not akin to a cash bar -it's akin to a gift.
Or they see the vodka, but I tell them no sorry you can't have it at all? Nor can you bring in that bottle that you purchased yourself.
And again I'll say, it's not my analogy. I don't think they are comparable at all - I asked for an explanation as to why people used it as an analogy when talking about weddings.
I'll play, it's not comparable, because I assume at a dinner party if a guest didn't bring a bottle of wine, beer, vodka, whatever, you wouldn't refuse to give them something to drink. That's how a cash bar works though.
Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
Re: Dry Wedding!?
Make a sign on pretty paper. You can frame it in a picture frame, the way some people do menus.
Say:
"Dear Guests,
Please enjoy complimentary wine and beer during our wedding festivities. If you'd like a cocktail, I hope you brought cash because there is no ATM in this building.
Thanks for understanding,
Bride and Groom"
There isn't a "tactful" way to do this except to cancel the cash bar or to pay the bar tab.
What do you mean by that you've paid for it already?
If your venue was refusing to allow a limited bar, we would suggest posting a sign at the bar with the "hosted" options.
With a lot of your comments tonight, it honestly feels like you're only intention is to try to stir the pot and get people to argue with you. I'm not sure what you want from us or if you're serious about wanting advice.
You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
The analogy of a dinner party comes up a lot and I totally get the point. However.... If I have a dinner party and I'm serving wine and one of my friends arrives with a nice bottle of wine... And a six pack cos he doesn't drink wine. Someone else brings some vodka...... That would never offend me and I wouldn't think anyone was being ungracious.
How is this any different than my serving wine with dinner at the wedding and people having the option to 'bring' (via the bar) beer to the party?
Also the analogy of someone being able to buy the lobster at my dinner party - again I get it to a point- however when I go to a dinner party I expect just that....... Dinner. That's it. If I want alcohol (and I know the host is ok with alcohol being consumed) I will being my own. When I get there if the host is providing alcohol I'll be thrilled but I wouldn't have arrived expecting it.
1) Your friends aren't bringing alcohol to your wedding, unless maybe it's a backyard BBQ or they have a flask (which could get them thrown out of a venue).
2) When your guests are thirsty at your home, you don't offer them diet coke or beer for free, and then try to charge them for wine.
3) Your wedding is a thank you to your guests. They are taking the time out of their lives to share in this event in your lives. If you took someone out to dinner to thank them, do you pay only for their meal but make them pay if they want a sprite or beer? "Hey Fred, I know I was taking you out today, but that'll be $4 for that beer you ordered".
4) As a hosted guest at a wedding (normally at a venue) you should expect a meal and refreshments that may or may not include alcohol. Again, (excluding backyard weddings and people who sneak flasks) normal people don't bring alcohol with them to wedding venues any more than they do a restaurant (and to cover my bases, I'll exclude restaurants with a cork fee etc...)
I know you mention things that don't offend *you* and that's fine... but I want to note that it's not about what offends you. It's still against etiquette and considered rude, regardless of how you feel about it.
You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
If my friends are thirsty in my house they can have anything that's in the cupboard that they want. If there is nothing there that they like and they have bright something with them that they do, then they may drink it.
If I bring them out to dinner (and using the same logic people use here about hosting what you can afford) of my budget does not allow me to purchase them a top self drink after their meal I am not going to stop them buying one themselves.
Also it was not my analogy - it's one I've seen on here many times and I just wanted some feedback on it.
And finally, I'm just NOT able to accept that 'etiquette' is universal in all instances. I believe that culture and the passing of time all influence it. Otherwise we still be behaving exactly as we did many years ago about everything.
It's not complicated. If you can only afford dinner as a thank you gift, then that is what you give.
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game"
This is the only way your analogy makes sense:
And again I'll say, it's not my analogy. I don't think they are comparable at all - I asked for an explanation as to why people used it as an analogy when talking about weddings.