Wedding Etiquette Forum

Dry Wedding!?

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Re: Dry Wedding!?

  • No but you could purchase it there.

    Anyways we're all just going in circles and it's not my intention to be argumentative and I'm aware I'm beginning to sound that way.

    I just find the notion that this is universal quite frustrating. I can understand everyone's point of view on this and understand that in the US (and some other places) this is the way it us done and that cash bar us considered rude. If i was hosting a wedding in the US i would follow local tradition and etiquette. I would just like to think that it could work both ways - an acknowledgement that it is often done a different way elsewhere and that things that are considered rude in one country may not be in another.

    Maybe there is no place on this board for someone not from the US or hosting a wedding there? I don't know?
  • No but you could purchase it there. Anyways we're all just going in circles and it's not my intention to be argumentative and I'm aware I'm beginning to sound that way. I just find the notion that this is universal quite frustrating. I can understand everyone's point of view on this and understand that in the US (and some other places) this is the way it us done and that cash bar us considered rude. If i was hosting a wedding in the US i would follow local tradition and etiquette. I would just like to think that it could work both ways - an acknowledgement that it is often done a different way elsewhere and that things that are considered rude in one country may not be in another. Maybe there is no place on this board for someone not from the US or hosting a wedding there? I don't know?
    I have seen posters here claim that cash bars aren't rude in the UK, Ireland, and Canada because it's just the way it's done.  

    I have also seen posters from the UK, Ireland, and Canada all say that they have been to weddings with no cash bars and that they find cash bars to be rude.

    Common doesn't mean it's not rude.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
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  • I'll try another example.

    Let's say H and I help friends of ours move.  We show up bright and early with a truck and spend the day helping them move furniture (this could be in the US, Canada, wherever).  Our friends are very grateful for our help and as a thank you, they invite us to dinner.

    We have a lovely meal and all 4 of us order a few alcoholic beverages.  We have a great time and H and I mention how thoughtful it was that they did this for us.  The server brings the check and it seems our friends are spending quite a lot of time reviewing it.  Friends then say, "Your portion will be $26.75 plus tip.  We can't afford to pay for you to drink alcohol."  Awkward?!
    imageimage
  • I'll try another example.

    Let's say H and I help friends of ours move.  We show up bright and early with a truck and spend the day helping them move furniture (this could be in the US, Canada, wherever).  Our friends are very grateful for our help and as a thank you, they invite us to dinner.

    We have a lovely meal and all 4 of us order a few alcoholic beverages.  We have a great time and H and I mention how thoughtful it was that they did this for us.  The server brings the check and it seems our friends are spending quite a lot of time reviewing it.  Friends then say, "Your portion will be $26.75 plus tip.  We can't afford to pay for you to drink alcohol."  Awkward?!
    Not exactly. That's them forcing you to pay. A better example would be them taking you to dinner and saying "I can pay for your food but we just don't have enough for your alcohol. Do you still want to get alcohol?" That's like a cash bar.
  • cmelliott said:
    Not exactly. That's them forcing you to pay. A better example would be them taking you to dinner and saying "I can pay for your food but we just don't have enough for your alcohol. Do you still want to get alcohol?" That's like a cash bar.
    No, they didn't force us to drink.  If I attended a cash bar wedding, I would truly have no idea that if I ordered a drink, I would have to pay for it until the bartender said, "That will be $6"
    imageimage
  • No, they didn't force us to drink.  If I attended a cash bar wedding, I would truly have no idea that if I ordered a drink, I would have to pay for it until the bartender said, "That will be $6"
    No, I said forcing to pay not drink. And this actually is why I asked earlier if there was a tactful way to let guests know that you have a cash bar so as not to be caught off guard. Because some people here just don't agree that a cash bar is bad etiquette and they're going to have it anyway.
  • cmelliott said:
    it's not. but an issue that 5 years later no one will remember is petty.
    I remember every cash bar wedding I've been to.
     
    I also remember every time someone made me pay for a diet coke at a wedding and I'm still judging the couples for that.

    I just attended a wedding this summer that had more faux pas than you can imagine. A lot of it occurred before the wedding and as a result, they had to fill their guest seats with patrons of a bar they DJ at.  For those of chumps proceeded to go to the wedding, it got worse throughout the night to the extent that these people are no longer welcome in my home. 

    You might think etiquette is archaic or that infractions are unnoticed and petty, but they aren't for everyone. I can deal with some of them, but they often add up.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  • cmelliott said:
    No, I said forcing to pay not drink. And this actually is why I asked earlier if there was a tactful way to let guests know that you have a cash bar so as not to be caught off guard. Because some people here just don't agree that a cash bar is bad etiquette and they're going to have it anyway.
    I know what you said and I corrected that by saying they didn't force us to pay because they didn't force us to drink. If we hadn't ordered drinks we wouldn't have had to pay anything.
    imageimage
  • DH was in a wedding 9 years ago where we were split due to the Last Supper head table arrangement and he had free drinks while the rest of the guests paid for even diet soda.

    I'm not holding a grudge but I definitely found it to be in poor taste then and still do now.
  • There is no "tactful way to let guests know about a cash bar" because tact is already out the window when you are telling guests that if they want a drink at your wedding they are paying for it themselves.

    And "etiquette" is just being polite and a good host - yes, that is universal.

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  • I remember every cash bar wedding I've been to.
     
    I also remember every time someone made me pay for a diet coke at a wedding and I'm still judging the couples for that.

    I just attended a wedding this summer that had more faux pas than you can imagine. A lot of it occurred before the wedding and as a result, they had to fill their guest seats with patrons of a bar they DJ at.  For those of chumps proceeded to go to the wedding, it got worse throughout the night to the extent that these people are no longer welcome in my home. 

    You might think etiquette is archaic or that infractions are unnoticed and petty, but they aren't for everyone. I can deal with some of them, but they often add up.
    Yup.  I've never been to a wedding with a cash bar, but my parents STILL talk about how tacky the cash bar at a work friend's wedding in 1994 was.  

    So if you insist on doing a cash bar, know that some of your guests will be talking about the tackiness for nearly twenty years.

    Oh and my parents never said anything to the couple in question.  I'm sure the couple thought that "everyone was totally cool with the cash bar because they had the option to drink!"
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • cmelliott said:
    i definitely hear what you're saying guys. i guess i just have to remember some people hold grudges (best term i could think of) forever sometimes. it's just hard for me to realize that because i'm the forgive and forget kinda person and try not to let things get in the way of relationships. i unfortunately have paid for the cash bar so there's no going back but i suppose if people get angry enough to hold this against me, maybe we weren't close enough after all.

    You keep talking about having already paid for a cash bar. What does this mean? Setup fees? How much are you talking about? Can the venue apply the funds towards something else? Can you have them only set up things you are willing to post?  The only time this is "too late" is after your wedding has passed.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  • cmelliottcmelliott member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2013

    You keep talking about having already paid for a cash bar. What does this mean? Setup fees? How much are you talking about? Can the venue apply the funds towards something else? Can you have them only set up things you are willing to post?  The only time this is "too late" is after your wedding has passed.
    I mean we've paid the final amount on the bar contract. It is paid in full. We paid for the beer/wine/soda package and for the cash bar and for the bartenders all in full. It was 1200 for all of it and no they cannot apply to something else because it's an outside company.
  • I suppose you'll have to put a cute sign at the bar that says:

    Beer --  free
    Wine -- free
    Mixed drinks -- $12 + tax and gratuity

    It will just suck for your friends/family who didn't bring money/can't afford a cocktail to sit and watch their tablemates enjoying cosmos.  They won't make them feel second class at all /sarcasm
    imageimage
  • I suppose you'll have to put a cute sign at the bar that says:

    Beer --  free
    Wine -- free
    Mixed drinks -- $12 + tax and gratuity

    It will just suck for your friends/family who didn't bring money/can't afford a cocktail to sit and watch their tablemates enjoying cosmos.  They won't make them feel second class at all /sarcasm
    I'll just try to pass it around by word of mouth in a tactful way. I do care about my guests and don't want anyone caught off guard but I've had enough guests already ask for a cash bar that I went ahead and supplied it.
  • NYCBruin said:
    Yup.  I've never been to a wedding with a cash bar, but my parents STILL talk about how tacky the cash bar at a work friend's wedding in 1994 was.  

    So if you insist on doing a cash bar, know that some of your guests will be talking about the tackiness for nearly twenty years.

    Oh and my parents never said anything to the couple in question.  I'm sure the couple thought that "everyone was totally cool with the cash bar because they had the option to drink!"
    That's because the guests are more polite than the couple. Our close friends got married in December. They had a cash bar, money dances, an unfortunate unvoluntary donation situation where someone at the table had to take out a $20 or higher, we danced with it and when the music stopped, the person holding it got to bring it to the bride. Some people had $50s, they didn't know they were giving it away and were too embarrassed to take it back. I heard one person ask "my gift wasn't enough?" It was an elegant wedding until the reception. Oh and I spent several days working on the sugarpaste cupcake toppers for her and still haven't gotten a thank you note.

    We are still very close to the couple. We didn't stop being friends with them over this (I'd feel worse if I didn't know better and forked over money). But at the wedding, I kept having rude things happen that made me think about it then. And after, that's a lot of the experience that I reflect on for their wedding. Instead of "great cake, great dj, beautiful flowers, beautiful bride"  I think "fundraiser wedding" before anything else.  I haven't said a thing to them about it and they haven't heard anything either because all the other guests who were turned off didn't bother to say anything.

    And we haven't said anything to the other couple who did so many rude things that we don't want their friendship anymore either. We're just not inviting them over anymore.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  • cmelliott said:
    I'll just try to pass it around by word of mouth in a tactful way. I do care about my guests and don't want anyone caught off guard but I've had enough guests already ask for a cash bar that I went ahead and supplied it.
    How will you get the word out tactfully?  "Be sure to bring cash to our wedding, our venue's mixed drink prices are astronomical!"
    imageimage
  • cmelliott said:
    I mean we've paid the final amount on the bar contract. It is paid in full. We paid for the beer/wine/soda package and for the cash bar and for the bartenders all in full. It was 1200 for all of it and no they cannot apply to something else because it's an outside company.
    I don't get it. Just ditch the cash bar and serve the beer/wine/soda package. They'll still need the bartenders for it.

    When's your wedding?


    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  • cmelliott said:
    I'll just try to pass it around by word of mouth in a tactful way. I do care about my guests and don't want anyone caught off guard but I've had enough guests already ask for a cash bar that I went ahead and supplied it.
    If you're going to do it - which no one here can stop you from doing - then put it on your website or something. If you're going to have a cash bar, I at least appreciate the heads up. "We're hosting wine and beer for our guests, and mixed drinks will be available for purchase."
    Anniversary
  • I don't bring my own chair to a wedding because I expect a seat will be provided. I don't bring money to a wedding (except in the card I brought for the B&G) because I expect that things won't be offered to me if they're not hosted. 

    If I am charged for things at a wedding, I will use the only money I brought - the money that's in the card for the B&G. 
    This.

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  • I don't get it. Just ditch the cash bar and serve the beer/wine/soda package. They'll still need the bartenders for it.

    When's your wedding?


    We've paid for it and signed the contract. My wedding is next Friday.
  • The thing is, it's not something that "no one will remember" in five years.  I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, and maybe to some of your guests it won't be, but I remember every wedding I ever went to where the hosts were rude - whether it was cash bar, no thank you note, not enough food, an unhosted or huge gap, etc.  And it colors my feelings about them, because treating the people I care about well is important to me and I expect (rightfully) it to be important to them as well.

    Consider that not everyone will forget, and it may change the way they feel about you.  For me, if my actions at my wedding made anyone I love think less of me, even if it was just a tiny bit, I would be incredibly sad.
    I honestly hope that people don't hold "not enough food" against the bride and groom. My venue failed to keep the buffet fully stocked despite my demand to bring out more food. It was not an issue of guests eating more than their fair share either, the venue was understaffed and overwhelmed with too many events that night. Some items were never replenished and the wait staff continued to release tables to a half empty buffet. I was mortified. After everyone went through the line they fully stocked it, but by then people had just filled up on whatever was available. I hope my guests realize this was the venue being rude and not myself and the other hosts. The venue did not offer plated meals, so I could not avoid having a buffet.

    If you just don't order enough food that's one thing - but sometimes things are the venues fault and there is nothing a host can do to fix it in the moment.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • I honestly hope that people don't hold "not enough food" against the bride and groom. My venue failed to keep the buffet fully stocked despite my demand to bring out more food. It was not an issue of guests eating more than their fair share either, the venue was understaffed and overwhelmed with too many events that night. Some items were never replenished and the wait staff continued to release tables to a half empty buffet. I was mortified. After everyone went through the line they fully stocked it, but by then people had just filled up on whatever was available. I hope my guests realize this was the venue being rude and not myself and the other hosts. The venue did not offer plated meals, so I could not avoid having a buffet.

    If you just don't order enough food that's one thing - but sometimes things are the venues fault and there is nothing a host can do to fix it in the moment.
    I don't want to speak for anyone, but I'm guessing what the PP was judging was a case where there was no meal at a meal-time reception or just not enough appetizers/desserts at a non meal-time reception.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • Cash bars are rude because they reflect a couple putting their own needs and wants ahead of those of their guests.  A prudent, polite couple will set a total budget for their wedding, then allocate funds to certain things putting the needs and wants of their guests first.

    If you are going to serve alcohol, budget for it.  Ahead of things that guests really don't need or want [like decorations, flowers, favors] and things that mean more to you than your guests [gown, flowers, jewelry, etc.].

    I have been to weddings of couples I knew to be on a limited budget.  They served kegs of beer and jugs of cheap wine.  And didn't expect their guests to pay for it.

    And using the dinner party analogy, if I am hosting a dinner party, I always plan my drink menu just as I plan my food menu.  I know my brother drinks Chivas and my stepdaughter drinks vodka.  I know my mother drinks Chardonnay and most of my other friends Miller Lite.

    So, I will have all of the above available for my guests enjoyment.  Because I have invited them into my home and their needs and wants are important to me.
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  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2013
    I honestly hope that people don't hold "not enough food" against the bride and groom. My venue failed to keep the buffet fully stocked despite my demand to bring out more food. It was not an issue of guests eating more than their fair share either, the venue was understaffed and overwhelmed with too many events that night. Some items were never replenished and the wait staff continued to release tables to a half empty buffet. I was mortified. After everyone went through the line they fully stocked it, but by then people had just filled up on whatever was available. I hope my guests realize this was the venue being rude and not myself and the other hosts. The venue did not offer plated meals, so I could not avoid having a buffet.

    If you just don't order enough food that's one thing - but sometimes things are the venues fault and there is nothing a host can do to fix it in the moment.
    They will.  If it's the venue's fault, there's not much you can do except make it known that it was a venue's fault (which I certainly would).  It's usually NOT the venue's fault.  It's usually a stingy, rude couple's fault, and guests know that.

    This is another reason to do your homework before choosing a venue and/or caterer.  Proper planning avoids a lot of this.

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  • This. I, personally, would prefer to have the option of alcohol than no alcohol at all, even though it's technically frowned upon. But if you do this, make sure there are ATMs nearby, because most people won't come prepared.
    Agreed. While I would never have a cash bar at my wedding, from a guest perspective I would be much more pissed if I had to sit through the wedding sober (I do not dance sober so it would be a boring night) than suck it up and pay for the drinks. Once again, not condoning cash bars by any means, but if the option is completely dry or cash bar, I would way rather take the cash bar as a guest.
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