Drama before invites are even printed...

aamberrr · September 2013

I am having a bit of an anxiety attack over all of this. Here is a little background info so the story all makes sense:

My parents are divorced. My dad remarried about 15 years ago. Ever since my dad remarried he hasn't been a huge part of my life. I see him maybe twice a year and we talk on the phone maybe once a month. His marriage has always been rocky. Stepmom and I have always gotten along, but I also (admittedly) feel a hint of resentment toward her and her family because I have always taken second place to them it seems. About 3 years ago, she and my dad officially divorced, and I was actually seeing and hearing from him on a more frequent basis. Then he started dropping her name again, as in, "Oh *stepmom* and I did this" or "*Stepmom* and I are going to Florida next week." etc., but never officially has said anything about the status of their relationship, and I'm back to seeing him or hearing from him very infrequently.

Fast forward to planning for the wedding. I am having an adults only wedding. I did plan on inviting stepmom, or at least giving my dad a plus one (not knowing officially what their relationship is). I also am trying to get my dad involved in the planning aspect of the whole thing. He has offered to help pay for some of the wedding (although my fiance and I are planning based on what WE can afford, with no additional help). I honestly want his support and presence through the planning process more than I want any amount of money from him.

Anyways, I got a text from him last night that said, "I'm not sure if you had it in your plans or not, but *stepmom* and *step sister* will be at the wedding. I hope that's not a problem."

1. Invitations have not even been sent yet.

2. Step sister is not an adult, and therefore, is not invited. (I'd also like to clarify so I don't sound godawful here - In the past 6-7 years, I have seen sand/or stepsister MAYBE two times total. I really do not know them anymore, and they haven't been a major part of my life in at least 10 years. Stepsister is also not biologically my father's daughter; she was a baby when he and stepmom got together.)

3. I know he has offered to contribute (which he has not done yet), but it really bothers me the way he worded it. He didn't ask if they could come, he informed me that they would be there.

I am so frustrated. Like I said, if it comes down to, "I'm giving you money, I get to say who comes," we won't take his money. I know I need to just tell him flat out, "yes, stepmom is invited, but stepsister is not because it's adults only," but I think a part of me is worried because my relationship with him is already so strained that I might lose him even more if I make him mad...?

And now that I've put my family dysfunction out there... This is more of a vent than a cry for help, but if anyone has any different opinions about what I should do or how I should word my response to him, I'd greatly appreciate it.

aamberrr · September 2013

Sorry for the weird font size changes; I'm not sure what happened there.

erinlin25 · September 2013

at the end of the day she is like family, so I would budge on that one. She may not be a biological sister, but she still is a sister. I'm sure you can find room for her. No one will side eye the fact their children were not invited but your sister was!

rajahmd · September 2013

erinlin25 said:
at the end of the day she is like family, so I would budge on that one. She may not be a biological sister, but she still is a sister. I'm sure you can find room for her. No one will side eye the fact their children were not invited but your sister was!

Uhh, I think the point is that she doesn't want the stepsister there. It was pretty obvious to me that she doesn't really consider her family.

OP, stick to your guns. You are allowed to have a child free wedding. If that means declining his money, then so be it. Don't let him emotionally manipulate you into meeting his demands (because that was indeed a demand, not a request). His demand was uncalled for and rude.

happyfor25 · September 2013

How old is your stepsister? If your dad remarried 15 years ago and she was a baby when dad and stepmom met, then she must be nearly an adult? If you want to improve your relationship with your dad, I would let this go and invite stepsister. If she's 16, other guests with young children won't even think twice about her being there (not that it matters because you are free to invite/not invite any children you choose).

LDubHawksFan · September 2013

I agree with happy. I realize you aren't really close with her, but she is a part of your family and it would make your dad happy. The fact that she was a baby when they married makes a stronger argument because then your dad raised her. Siblings and wp are always the exception to the no kids rule if you want (and I include nieces and nephews too). No one is going to balk that you invited your immediate family members who happen to be under 18, but their kids couldn't come.

allispain · September 2013

While I agree with PPs that your stepsister should be invited to the wedding since she's a part of your family, I feel like there's a big "but" in this situation. That being the fact that your dad and your stepmother have gotten a divorce. Your dad hasn't even told you whether or not he and your stepmom are back in a relationship (though it appears that way). I think that this complicates the matter quite a bit. I still would lean towards inviting the stepsister to the wedding, but I honestly think you need to have a chat with your dad about what his relationship status actually is so that you can better proceed with this.

aamberrr · September 2013

Yeah, I would definitely like to clarify that I don't really consider the stepfamily my family. While I get what people are saying about her being my stepsister, there are a few other kids with whom I'm actually closer, but am not inviting because it's adults only. It doesn't seem right to invite someone whom I've seen twice in 7 years but not kids I see regularly and am closer to.

She is either 15 or 16 now to answer a PP's question regarding her age.

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

aamberrr said:

I am having a bit of an anxiety attack over all of this. Here is a little background info so the story all makes sense:

My parents are divorced. My dad remarried about 15 years ago. Ever since my dad remarried he hasn't been a huge part of my life. I see him maybe twice a year and we talk on the phone maybe once a month. His marriage has always been rocky. Stepmom and I have always gotten along, but I also (admittedly) feel a hint of resentment toward her and her family because I have always taken second place to them it seems. About 3 years ago, she and my dad officially divorced, and I was actually seeing and hearing from him on a more frequent basis. Then he started dropping her name again, as in, "Oh *stepmom* and I did this" or "*Stepmom* and I are going to Florida next week." etc., but never officially has said anything about the status of their relationship, and I'm back to seeing him or hearing from him very infrequently.

Fast forward to planning for the wedding. I am having an adults only wedding. I did plan on inviting stepmom, or at least giving my dad a plus one (not knowing officially what their relationship is). I also am trying to get my dad involved in the planning aspect of the whole thing. He has offered to help pay for some of the wedding (although my fiance and I are planning based on what WE can afford, with no additional help). I honestly want his support and presence through the planning process more than I want any amount of money from him.

Anyways, I got a text from him last night that said, "I'm not sure if you had it in your plans or not, but *stepmom* and *step sister* will be at the wedding. I hope that's not a problem."

1. Invitations have not even been sent yet.
2. Step sister is not an adult, and therefore, is not invited. (I'd also like to clarify so I don't sound godawful here - In the past 6-7 years, I have seen sand/or stepsister MAYBE two times total. I really do not know them anymore, and they haven't been a major part of my life in at least 10 years. Stepsister is also not biologically my father's daughter; she was a baby when he and stepmom got together.)
3. I know he has offered to contribute (which he has not done yet), but it really bothers me the way he worded it. He didn't ask if they could come, he informed me that they would be there.

I am so frustrated. Like I said, if it comes down to, "I'm giving you money, I get to say who comes," we won't take his money. I know I need to just tell him flat out, "yes, stepmom is invited, but stepsister is not because it's adults only," but I think a part of me is worried because my relationship with him is already so strained that I might lose him even more if I make him mad...?

And now that I've put my family dysfunction out there... This is more of a vent than a cry for help, but if anyone has any different opinions about what I should do or how I should word my response to him, I'd greatly appreciate it.

erinlin25 said:

at the end of the day she is like family, so I would budge on that one. She may not be a biological sister, but she still is a sister. I'm sure you can find room for her. No one will side eye the fact their children were not invited but your sister was!

allispain said:

While I agree with PPs that your stepsister should be invited to the wedding since she's a part of your family, I feel like there's a big "but" in this situation. That being the fact that your dad and your stepmother have gotten a divorce. Your dad hasn't even told you whether or not he and your stepmom are back in a relationship (though it appears that way). I think that this complicates the matter quite a bit. I still would lean towards inviting the stepsister to the wedding, but I honestly think you need to have a chat with your dad about what his relationship status actually is so that you can better proceed with this.

First bold: No, that's not OK. NO ONE other than your and your FI get to dictate the guest list. NO ONE. And your father, who hasn't actually officially contributed yet, DEFINITELY doesn't get to say "so-and-so is coming." NO no no no no no.

Second bold: No, she's not "like a sister" to the OP. She's the step-child of her father, who is no longer married to the child's biological mother, and the child's bio mom and the OP's dad didn't cultivate any kind of relationship with OP as a family member so they don't now get to pretend that the OP's father's ex-wife's daughter is "like a sister."

Third bold: Yes. There is a huge, ginormous BUT in this situation, and it's the fact that (a) your father has divorced your stepmother and (b) you're not sure if they're still in a relationship or back in a relationship or whatever and (c) your father doesn't get to dictate guests.

I'd stick to your guns. Tell your father, "Dad, I was planning on extending you a plus-one with your invite because it sounds like you and stepmom are back together, but I was not and am not planning on inviting stepsister. I'm sure you understand that this is FI's and my day and we are only planning on inviting those people closest to us." If he then pulls the card of, "I won't give you money unless you invite her," be prepared to say, "I understand and accept that, so that's fine. I won't take your money and stepsister won't be invited."

Do be prepared, though, with a response for if he comes back with, "If stepsister isn't invited, then I'm not coming either."

Wedding planning is about choosing which hills you want to die on. This might not be a hill worth dying on for you; but it might be. That's your call and your FI's call.

If it were me, I wouldn't back down.

doeydo · September 2013

1. Don't accept the money from your father. If you did accept money from him, it sounds like he will be very controlling with the planning, so if he isn't paying then he has zero say in how you and your FI want your wedding to be.

2. You should invite whoever you want or don't want. It sounds like you don't want to have your step sister there, so don't invite her. However, if you invite your father, you are therefore required, etiquette wise, to invite his significant other (your stepmother) if they consider themselves to be in a relationship.

Jen4948 · September 2013

If you accept your father's money, it will come with strings on it-like your stepsister being invited. But if you invite your father, you have to invite his partner (whatever her actual status is).

phira · September 2013

To the OP:

Politely tell your father, "Dad, [fiance] and I weren't sure if you were back with [stepmom] or not, but we are of course inviting her if you two are together. However, as you already know, we are not inviting any minors to our wedding. [Step-sister] is not invited. I hope that you and [stepmom] will still attend." If he insists that he gets a say because he's helping to pay, reply, "I agree--it's not fair of us to accept your help financially if we're going to decline some of your input. In that case, we'll have to decline your offer of financial help."

Resist the urge to tear him a new one for telling you who's invited to your wedding. OY.

To some PPs:

I am estranged from my father, who is divorced from my mom. There was a period of time when he and I reconciled for about 2 years; he had since remarried. I did not consider his wife to be my step-mom, nor did I consider his step-children to be my step-siblings.

My mom is in a serious relationship (2 years long, living together) with a man who has three kids. None of his children will be invited to our wedding because they're not my family. Even if my mom marries her boyfriend, he's not my step-dad. He'd just be my mom's husband.

The point is, this isn't about appeasing the OP's dad, or making the step-sister feel like family. Not everyone has a smoothly blended family after divorce. Please keep that in mind.

mikencindy · September 2013

You may regret down the road not inviting your step- sister, even though she is young she is still family. I had the same thing happen in my case- in the end (which is near) all my parents names were put on my invite and step-mother was invited. Life is short.

arrippa · September 2013

phira said:

To the OP:

Politely tell your father, "Dad, [fiance] and I weren't sure if you were back with [stepmom] or not, but we are of course inviting her if you two are together. However, as you already know, we are not inviting any minors to our wedding. [Step-sister] is not invited. I hope that you and [stepmom] will still attend." If he insists that he gets a say because he's helping to pay, reply, "I agree--it's not fair of us to accept your help financially if we're going to decline some of your input. In that case, we'll have to decline your offer of financial help."

Resist the urge to tear him a new one for telling you who's invited to your wedding. OY.

To some PPs:

I am estranged from my father, who is divorced from my mom. There was a period of time when he and I reconciled for about 2 years; he had since remarried. I did not consider his wife to be my step-mom, nor did I consider his step-children to be my step-siblings.

My mom is in a serious relationship (2 years long, living together) with a man who has three kids. None of his children will be invited to our wedding because they're not my family. Even if my mom marries her boyfriend, he's not my step-dad. He'd just be my mom's husband.

The point is, this isn't about appeasing the OP's dad, or making the step-sister feel like family. Not everyone has a smoothly blended family after divorce. Please keep that in mind.

This!

I am not inviting either of my two stepsisters or my stepbrother to my wedding. Don't feel like you have to give in. As long as you invite your dad's SO (stepmother) you are fine!

mrsbizzz · September 2013

Especially don't invite her if your dad and stepmom are now divorced (I would clarify this by the way). Technically she is not your biological sister and now she is not even your stepsister if you dad and her mother are divorced.

phira · September 2013

mikencindy said: You may regret down the road not inviting your step- sister, even though she is young she is still family. I had the same thing happen in my case- in the end (which is near) all my parents names were put on my invite and step-mother was invited. Life is short.
The whole point here is that the step-sister is the OP's father's family. The OP doesn't consider her family.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

You have a choice to make: accept your dad's money or not. If you DO accept his money, you have to negotiate on your guest list if that's what he wants. Negotiating doesn't mean he gets what he wants - it just means you have take what he wants into consideration and come to a compromise. If you DON'T accept his money, you invite whoever you want. Personally, I wouldn't accept his money. You can still involve him in planning, you just don't have to take any suggestions you don't like.

I would respond to his text with a phone call, "Hi dad, got your text. Unfortunately, we are not having anyone under the age of 18/21 at the wedding, so step-sister won't be invited. If you'd like ex-step-mom to be there, I'm happy to add her, but I'm confused. Are you two mending fences? Should I invite her on your invitation? Are you living together?"

delujm0 · September 2013

You are under no obligaion to invite your stepsister, however, if you want your relationship with your dad to improve, this would probably go a long way. if he started dating your stepmom when your stepsister was a baby, it's likely that he considers her to be the same as a biological child to him. it's possible that he has even adopted her. he did raise her.

As a child of divorce, i completely understand that you feel slighted because your father paid more attention to your stepsister than he did to you; but this was likely because she lived with him every day and you did not. He did not actually replace you with her. And trying to punish him for that by not including her at your wedding is pretty immature. Keep in mind that she is a child - and one that is old enough to recognize this slight and will now think that you hate her (16 year old girls are not known for having high self-esteem).

It was VERY rude for him to presume she would have an invite. But I would extend one to her. I'd also give him a call to catch up and actually ask him if he has gotten back together with your stepmom. You're an adult - so you can call him and ask him about himself without just waiting for him to call you and offer up that information.

Anyway, long story short, you in no way HAVE to invite her...but if you don't, that's just going to be more ammunition for your father and stepmother to use against you. I think you have to consider how important to you your relationship with your father is and use that to guide your decision.

allispain · September 2013

phira said:

To the OP:

Politely tell your father, "Dad, [fiance] and I weren't sure if you were back with [stepmom] or not, but we are of course inviting her if you two are together. However, as you already know, we are not inviting any minors to our wedding. [Step-sister] is not invited. I hope that you and [stepmom] will still attend." If he insists that he gets a say because he's helping to pay, reply, "I agree--it's not fair of us to accept your help financially if we're going to decline some of your input. In that case, we'll have to decline your offer of financial help."

Resist the urge to tear him a new one for telling you who's invited to your wedding. OY.

To some PPs:

I am estranged from my father, who is divorced from my mom. There was a period of time when he and I reconciled for about 2 years; he had since remarried. I did not consider his wife to be my step-mom, nor did I consider his step-children to be my step-siblings.

My mom is in a serious relationship (2 years long, living together) with a man who has three kids. None of his children will be invited to our wedding because they're not my family. Even if my mom marries her boyfriend, he's not my step-dad. He'd just be my mom's husband.

The point is, this isn't about appeasing the OP's dad, or making the step-sister feel like family. Not everyone has a smoothly blended family after divorce. Please keep that in mind.

Finally! Someone else who shares this opinion! The first time I ever posted on here, I wrote about trying to handle having my dad's new wife at my wedding. The divorce had been a bombshell in our family, the remarriage was super quick, and I was an emotional mess. Pretty much every response I got was "she's your stepmother - you can't call her your dad's wife." It made me want to scream. My dad's wife is not a part of my family - she's a part of his family. I'm glad someone else gets this concept.

For OP's sake, I'm glad there are more responses on here now that take into account the fact that a) she's not close with this girl and b) her dad and her stepmother got a divorce.

harper0813 · September 2013

I definitely don't think that OP needs to invite stepsister by any means. If she doesn't know her, and if she's not even legally her stepsister anymore, she is not "like family" at all. Moreover, I think that OP's dad was being rude by stating and not asking if she could be invited.

aamberrr, just call your dad to let him know that you're glad that stepmom is able to make it, but that you're unfortunately cannot invite stepsister as you're unable to invite everyone you'd like. No need for an explanation. If he asks why, just say that it isn't possible or that you'd prefer not to get into it. And turn his money down. You are paying for the wedding and you have every right to decide who is invited.

If you aren't close to your father anyway, and it seems like he only steps into your life when it's most convenient for him, I wouldn't sweat this causing distance.

phira · September 2013

@allispain Exactly. I mean, it's always nice when you can have a happy blended family. My ex-sister-in-law's parents divorced when she was very young, and remarried soon after. Her step-parents are like parents to her, and her step-siblings are like siblings. I think that's wonderful. But it's not what happens for everyone.

For folks who think that not inviting the step-sister will result in problems with the OP's dad, that's almost certainly true. But I don't think this is a battle the OP should necessarily avoid, and it sounds like she's prepared for the inevitable shit-fit her dad's going to have.

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

allispain said:

phira said:

To the OP:

Politely tell your father, "Dad, [fiance] and I weren't sure if you were back with [stepmom] or not, but we are of course inviting her if you two are together. However, as you already know, we are not inviting any minors to our wedding. [Step-sister] is not invited. I hope that you and [stepmom] will still attend." If he insists that he gets a say because he's helping to pay, reply, "I agree--it's not fair of us to accept your help financially if we're going to decline some of your input. In that case, we'll have to decline your offer of financial help."

Resist the urge to tear him a new one for telling you who's invited to your wedding. OY.

To some PPs:

I am estranged from my father, who is divorced from my mom. There was a period of time when he and I reconciled for about 2 years; he had since remarried. I did not consider his wife to be my step-mom, nor did I consider his step-children to be my step-siblings.

My mom is in a serious relationship (2 years long, living together) with a man who has three kids. None of his children will be invited to our wedding because they're not my family. Even if my mom marries her boyfriend, he's not my step-dad. He'd just be my mom's husband.

The point is, this isn't about appeasing the OP's dad, or making the step-sister feel like family. Not everyone has a smoothly blended family after divorce. Please keep that in mind.

Finally! Someone else who shares this opinion! The first time I ever posted on here, I wrote about trying to handle having my dad's new wife at my wedding. The divorce had been a bombshell in our family, the remarriage was super quick, and I was an emotional mess. Pretty much every response I got was "she's your stepmother - you can't call her your dad's wife." It made me want to scream. My dad's wife is not a part of my family - she's a part of his family. I'm glad someone else gets this concept.

For OP's sake, I'm glad there are more responses on here now that take into account the fact that a) she's not close with this girl and b) her dad and her stepmother got a divorce.

I am not a child of divorce, but I also share your opinion. Marriage makes a couple a family -- it's nice if in-law parents accept the child's spouse, and it's great if the couple's children accept the new parent, but it's not required.

You can't be rude -- i.e., invite your father, but not his new wife, or your mother, but not her new husband -- because they are a social unit, but your parent marrying a new person doesn't make that new person your step-parent. It makes them the person your parent is married to.

In my FI's family, there's one woman everyone refers to either as "That Woman" or "[Name]," and she is both still married to FI's father AND FI's biological mother. But she wasn't much of a mother, so he doesn't call her that, and everyone else just calls her "[Name's] wife."

MuppetOverlord · September 2013

If this is a 15 year old, I'd let her come as a courtesy to your father and stepmother. We invited my fiance's stepsisters for this reason. He doesn't consider them family, but his dad and stepmother are important to him. It's not like she's going to be running around throwing a temper tantrum. I also don't think people who weren't allowed to bring their kids would side-eye your step-sister.

By all means, you don't have to. I do think you're going to cause yourself more grief than not by refusing to invite her though.

My FMIL demanded we invite a few people. I don't do well with demands but agreeing to some of them is a lot easier than the uncomfortable life I will have to endure if I don't. I pick my battles.

aamberrr · September 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:
Second bold: No, she's not "like a sister" to the OP. She's the step-child of her father, who is no longer married to the child's biological mother, and the child's bio mom and the OP's dad didn't cultivate any kind of relationship with OP as a family member so they don't now get to pretend that the OP's father's ex-wife's daughter is "like a sister."

This is so, so it. You really put my feelings into words. They really haven't made much of an effort to include me in their family events or make me feel like family, so why is my dad now expecting me to make my wedding day a day to pretend that that's the case?

My "stepmother" will be invited, because that is the courteous thing to do, but stepsister will not be invited.

And I know it will sound SUPER childish and that it probably IS super childish, but a part of me wonders with how little I see of my dad, and how rocky his relationship is with her, why would it be so hard for him to spend one day away from them and focus on me? (Pease don't jump down my throat, I know that sounds like memememememewaaaaaahmemememe, but I can't help but feel that way a little.)

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

allispain said:

phira said:

To the OP:

Politely tell your father, "Dad, [fiance] and I weren't sure if you were back with [stepmom] or not, but we are of course inviting her if you two are together. However, as you already know, we are not inviting any minors to our wedding. [Step-sister] is not invited. I hope that you and [stepmom] will still attend." If he insists that he gets a say because he's helping to pay, reply, "I agree--it's not fair of us to accept your help financially if we're going to decline some of your input. In that case, we'll have to decline your offer of financial help."

Resist the urge to tear him a new one for telling you who's invited to your wedding. OY.

To some PPs:

I am estranged from my father, who is divorced from my mom. There was a period of time when he and I reconciled for about 2 years; he had since remarried. I did not consider his wife to be my step-mom, nor did I consider his step-children to be my step-siblings.

My mom is in a serious relationship (2 years long, living together) with a man who has three kids. None of his children will be invited to our wedding because they're not my family. Even if my mom marries her boyfriend, he's not my step-dad. He'd just be my mom's husband.

The point is, this isn't about appeasing the OP's dad, or making the step-sister feel like family. Not everyone has a smoothly blended family after divorce. Please keep that in mind.

Finally! Someone else who shares this opinion! The first time I ever posted on here, I wrote about trying to handle having my dad's new wife at my wedding. The divorce had been a bombshell in our family, the remarriage was super quick, and I was an emotional mess. Pretty much every response I got was "she's your stepmother - you can't call her your dad's wife." It made me want to scream. My dad's wife is not a part of my family - she's a part of his family. I'm glad someone else gets this concept.

For OP's sake, I'm glad there are more responses on here now that take into account the fact that a) she's not close with this girl and b) her dad and her stepmother got a divorce.

I am not a child of divorce, but I also share your opinion. Marriage makes a couple a family -- it's nice if in-law parents accept the child's spouse, and it's great if the couple's children accept the new parent, but it's not required.

You can't be rude -- i.e., invite your father, but not his new wife, or your mother, but not her new husband -- because they are a social unit, but your parent marrying a new person doesn't make that new person your step-parent. It makes them the person your parent is married to.

In my FI's family, there's one woman everyone refers to either as "That Woman" or "[Name]," and she is both still married to FI's father AND FI's biological mother. But she wasn't much of a mother, so he doesn't call her that, and everyone else just calls her "[Name's] wife."

What's the deal with inviting FI's parents to the ceremony but threatening to have them arrested if they try to go to the reception?

simplykayla · September 2013

aamberrr said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:
Second bold: No, she's not "like a sister" to the OP. She's the step-child of her father, who is no longer married to the child's biological mother, and the child's bio mom and the OP's dad didn't cultivate any kind of relationship with OP as a family member so they don't now get to pretend that the OP's father's ex-wife's daughter is "like a sister."

This is so, so it. You really put my feelings into words. They really haven't made much of an effort to include me in their family events or make me feel like family, so why is my dad now expecting me to make my wedding day a day to pretend that that's the case?
My "stepmother" will be invited, because that is the courteous thing to do, but stepsister will not be invited.
And I know it will sound SUPER childish and that it probably IS super childish, but a part of me wonders with how little I see of my dad, and how rocky his relationship is with her, why would it be so hard for him to spend one day away from them and focus on me? (Pease don't jump down my throat, I know that sounds like memememememewaaaaaahmemememe, but I can't help but feel that way a little.)

I definitely can't blame you for feeling that way about wanting your dad to focus on you a little. I have a similar relationship with my dad. Our relationship was always rocky from the beginning. We went to counseling together for a while before I could even stand to spend time with him. Once we worked out some of our issues, we started developing a really good relationship. And then he started dating his now wife, and he wanted nothing to do with my sisters or me. Any time he did spend with us, it was always with her. He refused to ever just give us one on one time with him, and it sucked (especially since we don't like his wife anyway). So I can understand where you are coming from on that. It may be slightly childish, but it's justified.

You are definitely in the right to not invite your stepsister if you don't want to. It's just a matter of whether the fight with your dad about it will be worth it. If you'd rather not add an extra tear to an already fragile relationship, I would just invite your stepsister. If you're willing to risk him getting upset, stick to your guns and don't invite her. Just remember that even if you do invite her, you probably will hardly notice that she is there that day.

MuppetOverlord · September 2013

simplykayla is thinking along the same lines as me. I'm really not trying to convince you of this, but just trying to understand where you're coming from and possibly open up the option.

My fiance's parents split up when he was 7 or 8. His mother basically made it impossible for him to have a solid relationship with his father. His father re-married and adopted his wife's kids and was really the father figure to them. They lived with him far longer than my fiance lived with him. They know him far better and they are all very close. It's very hurtful and awkward for him to see that. He's jealous they have his father more than he has had him.

Both parties want to be closer and we've been really working on that and it's getting better.

As I said before, we don't really have a relationship with the step-sisters (I've seen them more in the past 2 years myself than he has in 10, I caught one at the store and he didn't realize it was her at first) but we want to unite the family more and they are an integral part of his father's life. So we invited them as a courtesy. It's an expense that we felt was worthwhile to improve the relationship.

We also know that we're not going to spend more than a few minutes with the step-sisters at the wedding. So there's no pressure.

I just wonder if this is similar for you?

What's the sticking point for you on this? Is it jealousy? or hurt?(I am totally not passing judgement if it is) If so, do you want to get beyond that?
Is it lack of relationship? If so, can you get past it to increase the relationship with your father?
Is it age? if she were 18, would you be good?
Is it money?

I'm truly interested in hearing more of your perspective on this.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2013

Dreamergirl8812 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I am not a child of divorce, but I also share your opinion. Marriage makes a couple a family -- it's nice if in-law parents accept the child's spouse, and it's great if the couple's children accept the new parent, but it's not required.

You can't be rude -- i.e., invite your father, but not his new wife, or your mother, but not her new husband -- because they are a social unit, but your parent marrying a new person doesn't make that new person your step-parent. It makes them the person your parent is married to.

In my FI's family, there's one woman everyone refers to either as "That Woman" or "[Name]," and she is both still married to FI's father AND FI's biological mother. But she wasn't much of a mother, so he doesn't call her that, and everyone else just calls her "[Name's] wife."

What's the deal with inviting FI's parents to the ceremony but threatening to have them arrested if they try to go to the reception?

Huh? Who is threatening to do that?

aamberrr · September 2013

MuppetOverlord said:
simplykayla is thinking along the same lines as me. I'm really not trying to convince you of this, but just trying to understand where you're coming from and possibly open up the option.

My fiance's parents split up when he was 7 or 8. His mother basically made it impossible for him to have a solid relationship with his father. His father re-married and adopted his wife's kids and was really the father figure to them. They lived with him far longer than my fiance lived with him. They know him far better and they are all very close. It's very hurtful and awkward for him to see that. He's jealous they have his father more than he has had him.

Both parties want to be closer and we've been really working on that and it's getting better.

As I said before, we don't really have a relationship with the step-sisters (I've seen them more in the past 2 years myself than he has in 10, I caught one at the store and he didn't realize it was her at first) but we want to unite the family more and they are an integral part of his father's life. So we invited them as a courtesy. It's an expense that we felt was worthwhile to improve the relationship.

We also know that we're not going to spend more than a few minutes with the step-sisters at the wedding. So there's no pressure.

I just wonder if this is similar for you?

What's the sticking point for you on this? Is it jealousy? or hurt?(I am totally not passing judgement if it is) If so, do you want to get beyond that?
Is it lack of relationship? If so, can you get past it to increase the relationship with your father?
Is it age? if she were 18, would you be good?
Is it money?

I'm truly interested in hearing more of your perspective on this.

I think it's a combination of things. There is definitely a bit of resentment/jealousy, but I don't think I realized this right away. If she were over 18, I'd feel better about inviting her, but it would be the same way I feel about my stepmom - inviting her as a courtesy but really wishing my dad would just come solo.

I know she's an older kid, but there are kids in my family with whom I'm much closer, and I'm not inviting them because it seems rude to pick and choose and make exceptions for some but not all.

Also, a big part of it is just plain old being pissed off. If I had sent the invites out and my dad had CALLED or talked to me in person and nicely asked if I could make an exception and invite stepsister, I may have (possibly) considered his request. But he TEXTED me before the invites were even sent (and btw we had just seen each other in person the day before and he said nothing) to tell me they both "will be there." It's like he couldn't even wait to get the invitation before deciding to spend a day away from her/them; it's like it's in the forefront of his mind.

I'd like to add in here that my stepmom has always been on the pushy/controlling side and my dad has never been one to stand up to her, so it's totally possible that she has already made a big fuss about all this to him which could be why he texted (do what she asked but avoid an in person confrontation with me?). I really don't know.

MuppetOverlord · September 2013

I totally understand the jealousy. It might be something you want to work through.

Is it also possible he doesn't know you're not inviting kids? Or that he doesn't consider her young enough to make the cutoff?

I get what you mean about it not being fair to other guests, but I disagree on that point. Your father isn't just any guest, you know? I truly think people would not side-eye an exception made for your sister.

Fucking text messages. What is up with them? My fiancé's father texts us all the time and he texts back. It's awkward and impersonal. I talked to his father about it once when my fiancé didn't have an answer about something the next day because his dad didn't text him back and he didn't want to pick up the phone. His father said "That's the way he likes to communicate, I don't like texting" and I said "No, he thinks that's how you want to communicate". So neither of them prefer it but they are uncomfortable with each other on the phone.

From a total outsider perspective, I think it's entirely possible he's not trying to be controlling about this, but is instead letting you know he is back together with your step mother. I don't think he's trying to upset you.

It might be good just to start this off with a simple phone call to him about it before you make any decisions or have any feelings about it. If you are still against her coming, "Dad, I'm not sure how to have this conversation with you but we weren't planning to have stepsister there. We're not inviting anyone under 18 and honestly, I don't have a relationship with her."

TheJessi · September 2013

First, definitely don't take your dad's money. It will come with strings attached and this may be only the first of many. I agree with the PPs who said that you call your dad and politely tell him stepsister isn't invited because you have no relationship with her and she is under 18. If he flips a lid then you have to make a choice: is it worth your dad not being there to not have stepsister there? Is it worth the relationship? Either way is fine, but you will have a decision.

FWIW, one of my best friends got married last year. Her dad left her and her three sisters when they were very young because he met another woman on the internet and got her pregnant. Her dad has barely been involved in her life since, and while he was invited with his current girlfriend (not their stepsisters mom), stepsister was not.

Drama before invites are even printed...

Re: Drama before invites are even printed...

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