FI & I are both vegetarians, how to handle feeding guests

ndh263 · September 2013

My Fiance and I are both vegetarians, and have been for many many years (me since I was a little child), and because most of our close friends are also vegetarians or at least openminded eaters, we've never had any sort of issues with dinner parties and whatnot. The issue we run into is with our extended families, and that most of them can't imagine a meal without meat.

We were planning on serving some vegetarian dishes at the wedding that were "normal" and we thought the majority of guests would enjoy - these include a veggie lasagna, sage sweet potato gnocci, white bean salad, kale and pepita salad, and of course rolls and butter. However, we've been getting some flack for not serving meat. I'm very uncomfortable putting any money towards the purchase of meat, and my parents are equally on my side, and since we're the ones paying for it, we're not serving it.

So my question is this: is this rude? No one will die without meat for one meal, and we probably have 20 other vegetarians invited as well. We're paying a lot to ensure maximum deliciousness of the food that will be served, and the tastings have been awesome.

EDIT: Removed section about RD! I think it got blown waaaay out of proportion. Has nothing to do with my FMIL, she is awesome and being super generous. I just wanted to know what was appropriate socially in order to make sure people get fed if there are minimal veggie-friendly options. I'm more concerned about the guests at the wedding being happy and full on veggie food.

Is this ridiculous and everyone just needs to chill out? Am I being ridiculous and everyone else is normal? Could use some perspective here. Thanks!

doeydo · September 2013

No, I don't think that it is rude. Just make sure to have lots of "normal" foods, such as spaghetti, for non-vegetarians.

WinstonsGirl · September 2013

You can serve veggie only if you want, but you may want to include something meaty for your non-vegetarians. If you have an issue with killing animals for meat, then that's another story and you need to decide with your FI what you are both comfortable doing.

As an example, I can't eat seafood, yet we served it at our wedding cos we know other people love it. We just made sure to have non-seafood choices as well for appies for those who wouldn't eat it.

Not sure what to tell you about the RD. Technically, if she is paying, she gets a say, but it seems dumb to me to pay for food that half of the guests can't eat. Your FI should bring this up with her, not you

blueobsidian · September 2013

No, I don't think it's rude to not serve meat. I was a vegetarian for many years and even my friends that were self-proclaimed carnivores would still come over to my house to eat. They all survived, even when their lasagna or enchiladas were vegetarian. Vegetarian foods are "normal" foods. The options you've chosen sound delicious!

Has your FI said something to his mother about the fact that neither of you will be able to eat at your rehearsal dinner?

Jen4948 · September 2013

No, it isn't rude not to serve meat-even to non-vegetarians.

ndh263 · September 2013

Thanks for the replies! Glad to have some of this validated, I guess there will always be someone offended regardless. :P

FI hasn't said anything yet to his mother - I kind of feel like the rehearsal dinner is already very generous of her, and she's offered to feed our family and wedding party, which I know costs a lot of money, so I don't want to make it any more difficult on her. Would it be appropriate to as if I can bring food for the 7 of us that are vegetarians?

saric83 · September 2013

It's definitely not rude! I'm not a vegetarian, and I would love to eat what's on the planned menu. People need to get over it.

As for the rehearsal dinner, I don't think it would be out-of-line for your FI to ask his mom if she can add a meat-free salad to the menu (or even offer to pay to add it). It also might be worth him suggesting (truly in a helpful manner) that she speak with the restaurant or caterer to help her figure out how much meat they'll need since X-number of attendees won't be eating meat. I would hope that this is something she already knows, but if she's completely oblivious, she would probably appreciate the extra reminder, so she doesn't get pissy later when there's a ton of leftover food.

JoanE2012 · September 2013

Could you have some sort of basic pasta? Perhaps tortellini or something like that? I don't care for sweet potatoes and would definitely not eat white beans. I know many of the meat eaters in my family (especially the older ones) would also not be happy.

Food is one of the most important parts of a wedding.....it is what is often most remembered about weddings (both good and bad!). I know for our reception I wanted people to leave happy and full. If I attended your wedding as is, my DH and I would probably leave early and go pick up some sandwiches.

Also, is your FMIL aware that half of the wedding party is vegetarian? I think it's rather inconsiderate that she isn't having a vegetarian option, especially since she knows there's at least one vegetarian (you!).

phira · September 2013

It's not rude to have a vegetarian wedding. As long as you have enough delicious food for everyone, then no one has anything to complain about.

Remember: You're hosting this event--it's your event. It IS rude if you don't have enough food, or if you have guests who CAN'T eat any food you're serving. But non-vegetarians aren't going to starve if there's no meat; that's not how it works.

As for the BBQ, talk with your partner about what you want to do. It's rude for your in-laws to host a rehearsal dinner where the guests of honor can't eat the food. I would probably suggest talking to your in-laws about the problem, and potentially declining the rehearsal dinner.

tigersgirlgv · September 2013

I agree that I don't think it's rude to serve only vegetarian options, but I also agree that you might want to add a basic meatless pasta (like PPs suggestions of tortellini or spaghetti), there isn't much you listed I'd be excited about eating.

NYCMercedes · September 2013

I'm an older person who eats meat and I see nothing wrong with what you're serving. I wouldn't expect vegetarians to serve meat, just the same way I wouldn't expect non-drinkers to serve alcohol. As far as the RD, it is unacceptable to bring food. Ask your FI to talk to his mom.

misssunshine17 · September 2013

I think it's absolutely fine. As someone who eats meat maybe once a week, I see no issue with this. My meat and potatoes family might miss it, but they wouldn't dream of making an issue.

jessicabessica · September 2013

I think it's fine. We had a mostly vegetarian wedding (served fish), and I have been to other weddings like ours, as well as a vegan wedding. We had a large mix of eaters at our wedding, and we had a wide variety of foods served as a buffet so people could pick and choose what they wanted.

As for the RD, I think it's ridiculous that your FMIL isn't accommodating you and your FI (assuming she knows you are veg). We had a BBQ the day before our wedding that my ILs hosted, but we had plenty of veggie burgers and veggie sides. You could certainly offer to help pay, although your FI might also want to talk to her about how many people will actually be eating meat so she doesn't waste her money. The caterer may not allow you to bring in other food, so check before you look into that option.

APDSS22 · September 2013

As someone who eats mainly veggie, I think your food sounds delicious. Have you talked to a couple of the meat eaters to gauge their reaction? Since you've gotten such a range of reactions here I think it might be a good idea or just add a plain pasta like PP have mentioned. I don't think it's rude to not serve meat though.

For the RD, I would certainly have your FI mention how many vegetarians will be there so your FMIL doesn't get surprised by a large number of guests not eating the food. (It's weird that she's specifically serving something that the two guests of honor can't eat btw...) I went to a wedding of two vegetarians last year and they had cookout food. Burgers, hot dogs and veggie burgers so everyone had something they liked. (The copious amount of beer might have helped too.)

aurorajanette · September 2013

I think what you're serving sounds delicious, and I would be excited to eat it, even as a carnivor. You're already serving two kinds of pasta, I don't think it's necessary to serve a third pasta option. I mean, veggie lasagna is a pretty basic dish that MOST people enjoy.

I've been to many vegetarian weddings and have always had great food, and everyone has had a great time. People who are concerned about not having meat will get over it. Not eating meat for one meal is not the end of the world. Frankly, I'd rather have sweet potato gnocci than another roast beef or chicken meal any day.

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

I ditto PPs that's it's not rude to serve a non-meat meal, but that I would add a cheese tortellini or ravioli option. I don't care for sweet potatoes, but the veggie lasagne sounds yummy! The rest of the stuff could be hit-and-miss. Maybe add a spinach salad or something like that?

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

I think as long as your serving food that will provide enough sustenance for a main course meal, you're fine.

JoanE2012 · September 2013

ndh263 said:

Thanks for the replies! Glad to have some of this validated, I guess there will always be someone offended regardless. :P

FI hasn't said anything yet to his mother - I kind of feel like the rehearsal dinner is already very generous of her, and she's offered to feed our family and wedding party, which I know costs a lot of money, so I don't want to make it any more difficult on her. Would it be appropriate to as if I can bring food for the 7 of us that are vegetarians?

Is she aware that her son and soon to be daughter in law are vegetarians?!?

mmm4763 · September 2013

I attended a vegetarian wedding reception a couple years ago (I'm not vegetarian) and thought everything was delicious and left plenty satisfied! I knew the couple were vegetarians and would not have expected anything different when attending their wedding. I think your menu sounds great!

annathy03 · September 2013

I think your meal options sound quite tasty, sweet potato gnocci sounds delicious! You are fine to serve vegetarian dishes, I'd never expect to be served chicken at my vegetarian friends wedding. I might consider having a more basic pasta but you know your guest list. Another know-your-guests issue is dietary restrictions, if you have any gluten free folks or something like that your caterer can probably accomodate them without meat, but it's something to make sure you cover with them.

It strikes me as very strange your FMIL is hosting an RD you and her son can't eat at. I'd have him discuss it with her, paying gets her the ability to host what she wants, but she can't force vegetarians to eat meat and won't look good on her when half her guests can't eat what she serves.

LDubHawksFan · September 2013

Vegetarian food for a vegetarian couples' wedding makes absolute sense and I wouldn't have a problem with it at all.
Your fmil is being ridiculous. It could be considered a simple mistake if it were just you who was vegetarian, but her son is too! I hope she just doesn't realize her mistake or just didnt mention the vegetarian options, and it isn't her trying to belittle your choices (I say this because my mil doesn't understand why H chooses to do vegetarian days). Your F should talk to her about this. It's crazy not to accommodate half of the wp including the bride and groom. She should add a salad and veggie burgers to the menu. If she refuses, then I think you should be prepared to thank her but decline her offer for the RD and prepare to pay for it yourself. It doesn't have to be expensive. You could get pizzas or simple pasta catering, which could accommodate both meat eaters and vegetarians easily, and drinks.

mommapizano · September 2013

I think you are selecting great options for vegetarians and meat eaters alike. As long as it's substantial enough for a meal, I think you are set. I would echo PP to make sure you have some option that is pretty basic. I know I have some people in my family who are very weird and picky about certain vegetables or condiments. So pasta, potatoes, bread and basic stuff is always safe!

lovesclimbing · September 2013

I love meat, but if I was attending a wedding of two vegetarians, I certainly would not expect them to have meat there. I have had some delicious vegetarian meals and what you have sounds ok. I would a couple basic pasta dishes as others have said. I think the vegetarian lasagna sounds great but the other stuff you listed sounds like it's all side dishes?? So I would have at least one more entree, possibly two if your budget can handle it.

I find it incredibly strange that your MIL refuses to accommodate her own son's diet. I could understand her not wanting to add vegetarian options for a couple random people (although I think that's inconsiderate), but her own son!? Really?

ndh263 · September 2013

Good advice everyone! I'm glad most people seem cool with a vegetarian menu for the wedding! I don't really think of myself as an adventurous eater, but I'm definitely not picky excluding meat, and I forget that often people don't like certain vegetables. So thanks for the heads up, I will look into including a more plain pasta / ravioli as well.

I don't think the RD food is malicious at all, like I said, FMIL has been very generous with helping us out and is paying for the entire rehearsal dinner, which is awesome and she definitely did not have to do that. I think it's more of a catering to the masses thing, and normally I'm fine eating sides and whatnot, I just want to make sure the rest of the wedding party is taken care of, and I didn't know what the socially correct steps would be to assure that they had food. There are some things that I may be able to ask the caterer to substitute - for example, they provide beans, but they have pork in them, maybe we can get them to make them without the meat or something.

OliveOilsMom · September 2013

I'm glad that you will be looking into a more plain pasta item as well. As your menu stands now, my H would not eat anything off it. We would be leaving your wedding very early to get something else to eat. And while I would try the sweet potato gnocchi, if I didn't care for it, I would be in the same boat as H. We are very much meat and potato eaters and not very adventurous!

And I think your FI should mention something to his mom about the menu for the RD. BBQ is a great way to feed a lot of people on a budget. But so is pizza, assuming you aren't vegan, pizza would be a great way to feed a lot of people on a budget too.

climbingsingle · September 2013

I'm a meat eater and I think your options sound great! If I were attending a wedding and I knew the bride and good were vegetarians, no way would I expect meat.

harper0813 · September 2013

Yeah, I really don't find it okay that your FMIL isn't serving vegetarian options when the two guests of honor are vegetarians. Your FI really should ask his mom to provide some veggie burgers or a filling salad for you. She may be catering to the masses, but there's a large chunk of people she's ignoring. He can offer to pay. I really hope she declines that, though.

By the way, the sweet potato gnocchi sounds AWESOME. I actually make sweet potato gnocchi - with sage and brown butter. So good. I'd eat that right up.

ElcaB · September 2013

It's not rude at all. People tend to balk at anything that's a little out of the ordinary, like having a meat-free menu. As long as it's tasty, they'll be enjoying a nice side of foot-in-mouth after they try your delicious menu!

[Deleted User] · September 2013

Your guests are there to honor you and your FI on your special day, therefore I think it would only be right for them to respect your eating style. Most people I think will be happy to just get food. As long as you have some pasta options like you said the veggie lasgana or some rigatoni. Only suggstion I would do is avoid tofu or at least have some non tofu options as not everyone is open to the idea of tofu.

For the RD, anyway you and/or maybe one or two of your bridal party can bring a dish that will compliment what your FMIL is serving but will be more in the lines of what you and the other vegetarians would eat?

WonderRed · September 2013

Agree that so long as there is something substantive there, I would have zero problem with it. But the, I was also a vegetarian for many years. I think your menu sound delicious.

allispain · September 2013

I think your reception menu sounds delicious! DH is a very meat and potatoes type, so he would probably be a little sad at the lack of steak/chicken, but he would really love the gnocchi. I'm not sure if it's really substantial enough as an entree, since usually gnocchi is a first-course type of thing (I'm thinking traditional Italian meal where you have a first course that is often salad/soup/pasta and then a second course that is meat/seafood). However, it sounds delicious!

In terms of adding another entree - if you do go the route of having a ravioli, tortellini, or spaghetti, if you just have a simple hearty red sauce (marinara - doesn't need to be made with meat in it) I think that will satisfy anything who is looking for something "normal."

As for the RD, I would really have your FI bring it up with his mom. Honestly, if it were me, I would have FI be pretty blunt about it: "Mom, we really appreciate all that you are doing to put this RD together. However, we're a bit concerned since, as you know, we are both vegetarians and there aren't many options on the menu that we could eat. What you may not know, and we should have said something earlier in the planning process about it, is that X number of our bridal party/family members are also vegetarian. Is there any way that we can add an option to serve all of us to the menu? We know it may be a bit of a challenge and we don't want it to be an extra expense for you, so we would be happy to cover the cost of that addition if you would like."

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