Do I invite my assistant?

climbingsingle · September 2013

My assistant's husband is a graphic designer. They both offered to have him design my invitations for free. Because she's my assistant, we don't spend time with each other socially outside of work. However, I do feel a little weird having her husband do the invites and not extending her an invitation. That also opens another can of worms though. I was only planning on inviting the one co-worker I'm close to. If I invite my assistant, I then have to invite the controller. We're a very small company and word would get around.

I could decline assistant's husband offer but it would save me a ton of money.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

Where possible, I don't mix personal and professional. For this reason, I wouldn't use your assistant's husband to do this work.

If you take him up on his offer to do this work for free, I would invite them. If you feel that inviting your assistant means inviting your controller, then so be it. It sounds like that's 3 extra people. Depending on the size of your wedding, this probably isn't a big deal. If it is and it's too much, then decline the offer to design your invitations and keep the personal separate from the professional.

climbingsingle · September 2013

It's a small wedding. It would put me 4 over (controller and her husband) when we're already over the amount of people we want to invite.

What if I had her husband do the invites and then got them a thank you gift?

emmyg65 · September 2013

I like the idea of having him do the invites and getting a pretty generous thank you gift, or insisting on paying for his work. But don't invite them to the wedding. Partly because you're not actually friends outside of work. But the real issue with both the free graphic design and the wedding guest stuff is that she's your subordinate and it puts her in an awkward position.

harper0813 · September 2013

Yeah, I think you have two choices here, so long as your priority is doing the right thing:

1. Accept his offer to design your invitations and invite the three of them; or
2. Decline his offer and do not invite them.

I think they would feel offended if you didn't honor their generosity with an invitation to the wedding. I would.

climbingsingle · September 2013

Oh, I wanted to add that I never brought up any wedding planning stuff to her. She offered it totally unsolicited. I've seen his work also and it's really good.

STARMOON44 · September 2013

I would decline. I think it's a terrible idea to accept unpaid work from your subordinates husband, even though she offered. I'd thank her but say you've made other plans. Saving money is a bad reason to mix business and pleasure.

CallaLily25 · September 2013

I agree with zobird....

You either accept the offer for invitations and invite the 4 extra people OR you decline the offer. Even with a generous thank you gift, I think the most gracious thing to do is invite them.

photokitty · September 2013

Yeah, I'd pay him (at his regular rate) or not use him. HR would prolly frown on your subordinate offering free services to you. It's a favor that could have ramifications. Sorry.

mommapizano · September 2013

If it were me and I truly did not want to expand the guest list, I would probably decline the offer for help. It is great to save money but I think it would be a little strange to not invite them. Also, I wonder if the offer is because you are her boss and she wants to impress/give you a favor. It might create a weird dynamic. Since you are not social friends, I probably would go this route.

climbingsingle · September 2013

I don't think she wants to impress me. She's been working for me for 3 years. We have a great working relationship and we do talk about our personal lives often. I also threw her a work baby shower here when she was pregnant. So it's not as if we never talk about our personal lives. I honestly think she offered because she knows my FI and I are paying for everything ourselves as did she and her husband and she knows it's good to save money where you can.

We're a really small company. We don't even have an HR department. Also because of that, her husband has done graphic design work for us for free - editing photos, things like that. Just as a favor to his wife. It goes both ways here too. We're a pastry manufacturer so she takes things home for him a lot and we've sent free cheesecakes to his office.

STARMOON44 · September 2013

Well, then, you have a personal enough relationship that you need to invite her if she is involved, through her husband, with the wedding. And since you don't want to, you must decline the offer. Even if you are paying for everything yourself (as though this ever makes a difference to what is polite) you can't have your cake and eat it too.

climbingsingle · September 2013

I didn't mean to imply that paying for the wedding ourselves gives me a pass on being polite. She offered, unsolicited, and I wasn't sure what to do.

Thanks for the input, everyone.

thelastdreamer · September 2013

I kind of think you should just invite her. Honestly, inviting four more people will probably still be quite a bit cheaper than buying invitations (although I guess it depends on your cost PP). But I think it would be rude and hurtful to not invite them if they do that for free.

harper0813 · September 2013

ClimbingBrideNY said:
I don't think she wants to impress me. She's been working for me for 3 years. We have a great working relationship and we do talk about our personal lives often. I also threw her a work baby shower here when she was pregnant. So it's not as if we never talk about our personal lives. I honestly think she offered because she knows my FI and I are paying for everything ourselves as did she and her husband and she knows it's good to save money where you can.

We're a really small company. We don't even have an HR department. Also because of that, her husband has done graphic design work for us for free - editing photos, things like that. Just as a favor to his wife. It goes both ways here too. We're a pastry manufacturer so she takes things home for him a lot and we've sent free cheesecakes to his office.

I don't think this is enough reason to accept the favor and not repay - they will want and expect and invitation. Either accept and invite, or reject and keep the guest list the way you want it.

Jen4948 · September 2013

If you really don't want to invite them, then I wouldn't accept the offer no matter how much it saves you and regardless of your business relationship with his company.

But this is a good argument for keeping your personal and professional lives separate.

Xstatic3333 · September 2013

I'm with PPs; invite the four or decline. It sounds like you don't want to do either, but I really think this one could cause hurt feelings and professional problems down the line.

PnkBride · September 2013

I would invite her. She is your assistant. If I were her, I would be hurt at not being invited to your wedding. JMHO

photokitty · September 2013

thelastdreamer said:

I kind of think you should just invite her. Honestly, inviting four more people will probably still be quite a bit cheaper than buying invitations (although I guess it depends on your cost PP). But I think it would be rude and hurtful to not invite them if they do that for free.

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I don't think she wants to impress me. She's been working for me for 3 years. We have a great working relationship and we do talk about our personal lives often. I also threw her a work baby shower here when she was pregnant. So it's not as if we never talk about our personal lives. I honestly think she offered because she knows my FI and I are paying for everything ourselves as did she and her husband and she knows it's good to save money where you can.

We're a really small company. We don't even have an HR department. Also because of that, her husband has done graphic design work for us for free - editing photos, things like that. Just as a favor to his wife. It goes both ways here too. We're a pastry manufacturer so she takes things home for him a lot and we've sent free cheesecakes to his office.

Based on what you said here, I agree with PP. If he's already done free work for you I don't see if as much of a conflict of interest. But I'd invite them - and it will prolly be cheaper than hiring someone. :-)

climbingsingle · September 2013

So even if her husband doesn't do my invites, I should invite her? We've never done anything socially together outside of work. Ever. She hasn't invited me to any events (showers, parties, etc.).

climbingsingle · September 2013

Sorry, that reply was for PnkBride.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

ClimbingBrideNY said:

So even if her husband doesn't do my invites, I should invite her? We've never done anything socially together outside of work. Ever. She hasn't invited me to any events (showers, parties, etc.).

I wouldn't. You're having a small, intimate wedding. There are probably family and friends you didn't invite - if you've never done anything socially with her, I'm sure she doesn't expect and invitation. As the subordinate co-worker of someone having an intimate wedding, I would never expect to be invited.

climbingsingle · September 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

So even if her husband doesn't do my invites, I should invite her? We've never done anything socially together outside of work. Ever. She hasn't invited me to any events (showers, parties, etc.).

I wouldn't. You're having a small, intimate wedding. There are probably family and friends you didn't invite - if you've never done anything socially with her, I'm sure she doesn't expect and invitation. As the subordinate co-worker of someone having an intimate wedding, I would never expect to be invited.

Yup, you are exactly right. Under 100 people. There are friends and family we are not inviting.

mommapizano · September 2013

@ClimbingBrideNY, if you don't do the invites with him, I wouldn't feel obliged to invite her. I work with my FI and my Dad and felt very weird about inviting co-workers since my Dad is their boss and I am an Administrative Assistant and work assisting most of the other staff. We ultimately decided to only invite one because he is personal friends with my Dad. All the others I have a nice working relationship but my Dad, my fiance and I don't see any of them outside of work/on a social basis.

climbingsingle · September 2013

Good to know. That's why I was planning on inviting only one co-worker here. She's our head chef and we've spent a lot of time socially together.

tammym1001 · September 2013

My FI owns a business and I work there. We invited all of the employees and their SO's even though we are having less than 50 people at our wedding. It didn't feel right to us not to invite them even though we don't see them socially outside of work. I would invite her and her husband even if he doesn't do the invitations, but that's just my personal opinion.

arrippa · September 2013

I don't think you need to invite your assistant. It's not like you are inviting the whole office except for her. I like the rule of thumb of inviting only those you socialize with*. Just make sure you don't talk wedding in front of her.

*I like that rule because that's what I am doing. I am only inviting one person out of 11 people in my office. There is no wedding talk going on at all here.

NYCMercedes · September 2013

OP, how would it affect your working relationship if you didn't invite her? Invitation gift aside, I'd look at that before anything.

climbingsingle · September 2013

NYCMercedes said:

OP, how would it affect your working relationship if you didn't invite her? Invitation gift aside, I'd look at that before anything.

I really don't think it would affect our relationship. I'm her boss. I wasn't invited to her baby shower. I wasn't invited to her kid's naming ceremony or the first birthday (all events she had since she started working here). We have never socialized outside of work. I mean that literally. We've never grabbed a happy hour drink. We've never had a meal together.

Xstatic3333 · September 2013

ClimbingBrideNY said:

NYCMercedes said:

OP, how would it affect your working relationship if you didn't invite her? Invitation gift aside, I'd look at that before anything.

I really don't think it would affect our relationship. I'm her boss. I wasn't invited to her baby shower. I wasn't invited to her kid's naming ceremony or the first birthday (all events she had since she started working here). We have never socialized outside of work. I mean that literally. We've never grabbed a happy hour drink. We've never had a meal together.

I'd definitely say then that you only need to invite her if you accept her offer.

csuave · September 2013

If you decline remember that invitations don't have to cost a lot of money. You can find thrifty invitation suggestions on the boards.

Also think about what the total cost is of accepting the invitation design. Is is design only? Does it include the actual printing and proofing? Are envelopes included? My cousin offered to do mine and I had to get my own envelopes, an expense I wasn't planning on when I accepted her offer.

Do I invite my assistant?

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