Having 2 wedding Ceremony's

nascar02zp · September 2013

I have an issue that I have been working on trying to figure out what I want to do and I am hoping for a bit of advice. My fiance and I are currently slated to be married on August 22nd, of 2014 and I am the Groom by the way. 4 years ago, my father was diagnosed with a rare form of Cancer which he has been battling but the battle has only been to extend life, not cure the Cancer as his form of cancer is terminal and there is no cure for and we have known that. Over the last few months, his health has drastically declined and has gotten even more worse over the last few weeks and it appears that his health is deteriorating at an exponential rate. We know now that he will not be able to make it to our wedding as we question if he will even be able to make it to this Christmas. My fiance has been extremely supportive of the situation and actually brought up to me a few weeks ago that if I wanted to get married early so he could be a part of our wedding, that she had no problem with it and I just don't know what to do. We cannot cancel or move our current wedding plans for next year as it is a destination wedding in Northern Michigan (we are from the Detroit, MI area) and we already have contracts signed and deposits down for the venue, band, photographer, etc.

I am questioning now what my fiance brought up with getting married in the next few weeks, just a small ceremony at my fathers house (or possibly a hospital room) with a few close family members only. I was curious if you feel that guests of the actual wedding which we would still have in August of 2014 would consider not going to the wedding or consider it a lesser meaningful ceremony because we would have been married for almost a year at that point? I want my father to be able to see me get married before he passes, but just don't know what to treat the ceremony in August then if I have one. Any advise anyone could give would be appreciated. BTW, both of our ceremonies would be done in front of the same judge as she is a friend of the family and I am Atheist and my Fiance is Agnostic.

STARMOON44 · September 2013

Guests may very well view the second event as less meaningful, since it won't be a wedding (because you only get one of those per marriage) but that doesn't mean you need to scrap the plan entirely.

You could have a very small ceremony now, and next year send this invite:

Mr. and Mrs. You Guys
invite you to the renewal of their vows
at place,
reception to follow.

Then you could walk down the aisle together, no bridal party because there is no bride (no bridal shower or bachelor/ette parties either) have a sweet meaningful renewal of your vows, and host a great party.

AprilH81 · September 2013

I second @starmoon44.

You guys are in a tough position but you can't have two ceremonies without having a divorce in between.

Given the circumstances is there any chance the vendors would let you break the contracts without penalty?

nascar02zp · September 2013

See and that is where my main problem comes into play. I don't want to do a vow renewal because we still want the whole traditional wedding experience as well. My fiance doesn't even have her dress yet as it won't be in until February so she cant even wear it for the ceremony we are thinking of doing now for my father. The ceremony would be small so we wouldn't invite our wedding party however we still want them to be involved. Essentially I would still want the 2nd ceremony to be just like it would be if we didn't do this emergency ceremony we are thinking of doing, and I know it wouldnt be a legal ceremony because we would already be married. I love my fiance for being willing to do something like this for me because she knows how much I want my father involved, but I also don't want to take away from her special day either.

aurianna · September 2013

I'm sorry to hear about your father. I hope for all the best for you and your family.

I'll just throw this out here first that if you call the vendors and tell them that you've decided to move the wedding earlier because of your father's illness, some might be willing to let you out of the contract and return your deposit as there's still a lot of time. That's an avenue to look at if you so choose.

That being said, what I would suggest is if you do indeed have the private ceremony with your father and still want to have the party next August that you skip the ceremony part of it next year and just have it be a reception/anniversary party.

As a guest while I would understand your situation and be sympathetic, I would not enjoy a wedding reenactment. You'll already be husband and wife so I wouldn't see the point in your pretending to get married again.
You could do a vow renewal if you really wanted to. Usually those are reserved for larger anniversaries but considering your situation I wouldn't side-eye it.

However having a vow renewal / anniversary party instead of a wedding comes with a few caveats:
You're already married so that means it's not really appropriate for your fiancee to wear a big white bridal gown. You could do a dance together to open the floor but not a "first dance." No bouquet toss. These things are not really appropriate for an anniversary party.

But you could still throw an amazing party with amazing attire and offer your guests a great time. But I'd definitely skip the second ceremony. I can't really know what I'd do in your position but I think that if it were me and I got married in a ceremony with my father there, that is the one that would be meaningful to me. Having another one later might diminish the first, true one.

Good luck!

mommapizano · September 2013

I would consider the vow renewal option for next year. I know a lot of people can be weird about them but I would think your close friends and family would understand the reasoning for having a small/private ceremony to include your Dad.

STARMOON44 · September 2013

nascar02zp said:
See and that is where my main problem comes into play. I don't want to do a vow renewal because we still want the whole traditional wedding experience as well. . . . Essentially I would still want the 2nd ceremony to be just like it would be if we didn't do this emergency ceremony we are thinking of doing, and I know it wouldnt be a legal ceremony because we would already be married.

I get this. I think most of us do. But, unfortunately, it isn't an option. You need to decide if you want to get married now, or later, and you can only pick one. You just can't have "a whole traditional wedding experience" when you're already married, because the point of a wedding is getting married, and you would already have done that.

itzMS · September 2013

It may sound crass, but I'm not a believer of changing wedding plans due to a parent's illness.

Why not just focus on spending time with your dad.

Isn't it possible he would feel badly that you and your FI had to get married in a hospital room because of him? Wouldn't he want you to have your "dream" wedding?

ETA: I'm saying this from the perspective of someone with a deceased parent, so no one thinks I'm coming out of left field. My dad would have never settled for me getting married in his hospital room. But, maybe the OP's situation is different.

radleyboo · September 2013

First, I'm so sorry you are going through this. This must be very difficult for you and your entire family, my heart goes out to you.

I would absolutely move the wedding up so that your Father can be part of your day. I think you'd regret not doing so if you didn't.

Take a moment and review all of your contracts with your vendors. Your planned wedding date is just under a year away, so your vendors may be able to release you if they can rebook the same date. At the very least, call them up and have a heartfelt conversation with them. They are human too, and surely they will understand that these are extenuating circumstances and may be willing to work with you. If you choose to cancel anyhow and lose some or all of your deposit, so be it. Money is just money, after all, and your family is what's important here.

You can also choose to get married quickly and still have a celebration on your originally planned date. What you should NOT do is have another ceremony/processional/first dance, etc. Have your wedding ceremony with your Judge friend now, have your immediate family attend, wear your wedding clothing, have your photographer come and take the photos, etc. Next year, invite your entire initially intended guest list to a 'Celebration of the Wedding of Jane and John Doe'. Wear your clothing again, have a spotlight dance, and an amazing party. Your guests will not be insulted, especially considering the reason behind what you're doing. What is considered rude, however, is having a 'pretend' ceremony that's really just a ruse.

I sincerely wish you guys the best, you have some tough decisions to make in the short term. Good luck to you all.

aurianna · September 2013

nascar02zp said:

See and that is where my main problem comes into play. I don't want to do a vow renewal because we still want the whole traditional wedding experience as well. My fiance doesn't even have her dress yet as it won't be in until February so she cant even wear it for the ceremony we are thinking of doing now for my father. The ceremony would be small so we wouldn't invite our wedding party however we still want them to be involved. Essentially I would still want the 2nd ceremony to be just like it would be if we didn't do this emergency ceremony we are thinking of doing, and I know it wouldnt be a legal ceremony because we would already be married. I love my fiance for being willing to do something like this for me because she knows how much I want my father involved, but I also don't want to take away from her special day either.

I don't say this to be harsh, because I really do sympathize. But the reality is that there is a choice you have to make. Get married at the hospital with your father there, or get married in Michigan next August. You only get one wedding day per marriage so you have to decide which it will be.

If you choose to do it with your father, that is a completely valid choice... however that's your wedding day.

Doing a complete do-over a few months later with a bridal party, gown, bouquet toss, showers, b-parties, etc is tacky because you're already married. While I'm sure guests will be sympathetic to your situation, it doesn't mean all of them will want to watch a pretend wedding.

I think instead if you choose to get married early, you embrace that day as the beautiful day you married with the woman you love, while your father watched. The people you love most in the entire world seeing you join with your wife will be perfect no matter when or where. Once you have that, there is no need to recreate the day with costumes and pretend ceremonies. Embrace the day you get married for what it is.

Maggie0829 · September 2013

I understand that you want the whole traditional wedding ceremony and I also understand that you want to get married now so that your father can witness your marriage. I am sorry you are having to deal with something so emotional and big. But with that said, you have to make the hard decision. You can't have both the full big white wedding later and get married now. You have to decide what is more important to you. That is the part that sucks about being an adult, making those tough choices.

You can still have the big celebratory party in August but to reenact the wedding ceremony is just ridiculous. I would even think a vow renewal would be ridiculous because you wouldn't have even been married a year by the time of your party. For this party I say that your FI could still wear her dress since she has already bought it and you can still cut the cake and dance the night away. Heck, I really wouldn't even side-eye a spotlight dance with you and your FI. But no bouquet toss. No garter toss. No parent spotlight dances. No bridal party.

grumbledore · September 2013

itzMS said:

It may sound crass, but I'm not a believer of changing wedding plans due to a parent's illness.
Why not just focus on spending time with your dad.
Isn't it possible he would feel badly that you and your FI had to get married in a hospital room because of him? Wouldn't he want you to have your "dream" wedding?
ETA: I'm saying this from the perspective of someone with a deceased parent, so no one things I'm coming out of left field. My dad would have never settled for me getting married in his hospital room. But, maybe the OP's situation is different.

I would agree with this, with all due respect as I am very sorry that this is happening to your family.

laylasaurus · September 2013

I understand that this is tough situation for you. However, having a "second" ceremony is pointless, you would already be married. Lots of people choose to get married in less than perfect circumstances but this doesn't automatically grant them the right to a fake second "perfect" ceremony.

As the others said, you could have an awesome anniversary party and vow renewal.

If I were you, I would speak to your father about this. It is a touph conversation but one worth having. See what his feelings are, maybe he would rather you both have the wedding you dream of than see you get married in a hospital room. A friends mother passed away from breast cancer shortly before her wedding, but she insisted that the couple get married as planned. She was terribly upset at the thought of watching them get married in a hospital room while stuck in a bed with a bunch of tubes and machines. She insisted that she would rather watch from heaven. Your father may not feel the same way or share those same beliefs, but I think it is important to ask him how he feels about the whole thing.

Two weddings, especially that far apart, just isn't right. You are either married or you aren't.

mommapizano · September 2013

Maybe you can do some sort of commitment ceremony/something special for your Dad? I saw an article about a father who had terminal cancer and he had a special ceremony where he dressed up in a tux and walked both his daughters down the aisle, even though neither were engaged. It seemed like it was very special and allowed the dad to share a special moment with his kids. Your situation is obviously different since you are getting married but I think you could think up something meaningful.

I think really you have two options. Either you get married soon and do a vow renewal, because that what it will be, in 2014 or you don't get married now and have a wedding in 2014. I know this is difficult to choose because neither is 100% of what you want.

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

nascar02zp said:

See and that is where my main problem comes into play. I don't want to do a vow renewal because we still want the whole traditional wedding experience as well. My fiance doesn't even have her dress yet as it won't be in until February so she cant even wear it for the ceremony we are thinking of doing now for my father. The ceremony would be small so we wouldn't invite our wedding party however we still want them to be involved. Essentially I would still want the 2nd ceremony to be just like it would be if we didn't do this emergency ceremony we are thinking of doing, and I know it wouldnt be a legal ceremony because we would already be married. I love my fiance for being willing to do something like this for me because she knows how much I want my father involved, but I also don't want to take away from her special day either.

I'm very sorry about your father.

But I'm also very sorry to tell you that "the whole wedding experience" is the part where you get legally married -- either at the MDJ; or a small, private ceremony with your family; or the big shindig. But you can't have more than one "wedding experience" without getting a divorce.

No matter how tragic the circumstances are -- and they are tragic -- you can't have a do-over wedding because you want to rush things because your father is dying. Also, not to sound completely heartless, you said in your initial post that your father was diagnosed with cancer more than four years ago. His impending demise, while still very sad for you, isn't a surprise.

You have a series of choices to make. You can choose to move up your wedding and have your father with you as you get married -- but that means cancelling what you're planning to do next year, because it would be a PPD, and one year is very early for a vow renewal. You can choose to have a non-binding "commitment" ceremony with your father, and carry on with your other wedding plans as is.

But you can't get married now, then have a PPD next year. That's rude to all your other guests.

KatWAG · September 2013

I agree with ItzMs and Starmoon.

While I can agree that this situation is far from ideal, you are making an adult choice to move up your wedding. That comes with some consequences, like your Fi not being able to wear her dream dress.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

If you are both on board with getting married early, do it! Just don't reenact the ceremony in August. If you have everything booked, you can still plan on having your party - absolutely. Just don't pretend you're getting married since you'll almost be celebrating your one year anniversary by that time. It'll feel silly to dress up like you're groom/bride and put on a pretend ceremony when the meaningful ceremony where you became husband and wife was at your father's bedside. KWIM?

I say get married now if you want to and continue with plans for your party in August. Just don't call it a wedding (nobody is being 'wed') and don't have a pretend ceremony. Stick around and people can give you all kinds of advice on how to word invitations for this, etc. Congrats and sorry to hear about your dad. Very bittersweet.

doeydo · September 2013

STARMOON44 said:

Guests may very well view the second event as less meaningful, since it won't be a wedding (because you only get one of those per marriage) but that doesn't mean you need to scrap the plan entirely. You could have a very small ceremony now, and next year send this invite: Mr. and Mrs. You Guys invite you to the renewal of their vows at place, reception to follow. Then you could walk down the aisle together, no bridal party because there is no bride (no bridal shower or bachelor/ette parties either) have a sweet meaningful renewal of your vows, and host a great party.

OP, either do the above or don`t have a wedding ceremony for your father.

Jen4948 · September 2013

I'm so sorry this is happening in your family.

But, unfortunately, if you have a ceremony now in your father's presence, that is going to be your wedding. You only get one. It is totally acceptable to have another celebration later on-but it won't be your "wedding" and it wouldn't be appropriate to dress up in traditional bridal clothes and re-enact your vows. That said, provided you leave these and other specifically "wedding" elements out of your future celebration, you are still entitled to have a big fun celebration with family and friends as long as you don't pretend it's your "wedding."

Jannett83 · September 2013

I have a question to all you nay sayers out there. Every single one of you are complaining that you can only have 1 wedding. Says who? A wedding is an event, not an action. You can only be in a single marriage at one time but who says you can't have 2 weddings if you want to. Al you people are so worried about proper etiquette, well I say forget you all. Do what you want to do. The only people that are worried about proper etiquette of things are people that don't have the ability to think for themselves and have t worry about what other people think of them. OP, I say that you want to have two ceremony's, then by all means do it. Just be aware that only one of them would be legal. If your judge friend is going to perform both and they area friend of the family, then I am sure they will understand the circumstance and be fine with it. Don't listen to anybody on here because these people also have no idea who YOU actually are and don't know crap about your actual scenario. Do what will make you happy because let's face it, you're the one who is going to have those memories for the rest of your life, not these people on here. Forget these people and do what will make you and your fiancé happy, but tell people what you are doing. Don't hide it and hope your guests don't find out. You may loose a few, but I feel most would be understanding and would still want to spend the day with you.

WonderRed · September 2013

This is a tough situation and I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about your Father.

Maggie0829 · September 2013

Jannett83 said:

I have a question to all you nay sayers out there. Every single one of you are complaining that you can only have 1 wedding. Says who? A wedding is an event, not an action. You can only be in a single marriage at one time but who says you can't have 2 weddings if you want to. Al you people are so worried about proper etiquette, well I say forget you all. Do what you want to do. The only people that are worried about proper etiquette of things are people that don't have the ability to think for themselves and have t worry about what other people think of them. OP, I say that you want to have two ceremony's, then by all means do it. Just be aware that only one of them would be legal. If your judge friend is going to perform both and they area friend of the family, then I am sure they will understand the circumstance and be fine with it. Don't listen to anybody on here because these people also have no idea who YOU actually are and don't know crap about your actual scenario. Do what will make you happy because let's face it, you're the one who is going to have those memories for the rest of your life, not these people on here. Forget these people and do what will make you and your fiancé happy, but tell people what you are doing. Don't hide it and hope your guests don't find out. You may loose a few, but I feel most would be understanding and would still want to spend the day with you.

Seriously? Do you realize what board you are on? This is the etiquette board so yes we are concerned with proper etiquette. Also when you think of a wedding what do you typically think of? Two people marrying one another right? Then how is having two weddings even remotely possible when the couple is already married?

NYCMercedes · September 2013

@jannett83, what planet are you on? He asked for opinions!

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

Jannett83 said:

I have a question to all you nay sayers out there. Every single one of you are complaining that you can only have 1 wedding. Says who? A wedding is an event, not an action. You can only be in a single marriage at one time but who says you can't have 2 weddings if you want to. Al you people are so worried about proper etiquette, well I say forget you all. Do what you want to do. The only people that are worried about proper etiquette of things are people that don't have the ability to think for themselves and have t worry about what other people think of them. OP, I say that you want to have two ceremony's, then by all means do it. Just be aware that only one of them would be legal. If your judge friend is going to perform both and they area friend of the family, then I am sure they will understand the circumstance and be fine with it. Don't listen to anybody on here because these people also have no idea who YOU actually are and don't know crap about your actual scenario. Do what will make you happy because let's face it, you're the one who is going to have those memories for the rest of your life, not these people on here. Forget these people and do what will make you and your fiancé happy, but tell people what you are doing. Don't hide it and hope your guests don't find out. You may loose a few, but I feel most would be understanding and would still want to spend the day with you.

OP, this is probably the most helpful response you've gotten here.

Is ^^^^this how you want to come across to the people you care about (including your father)? Is this how you want your bride to be perceived? Are you "me! me! me!" type of people? If so, have as many fake weddings as you want. But if not, please be aware that people will think that you have the same attitude as @jannett83.

ETA: clarity.

harper0813 · September 2013

Jannett83 said:

I have a question to all you nay sayers out there. Every single one of you are complaining that you can only have 1 wedding. Says who? A wedding is an event, not an action. You can only be in a single marriage at one time but who says you can't have 2 weddings if you want to. Al you people are so worried about proper etiquette, well I say forget you all. Do what you want to do. The only people that are worried about proper etiquette of things are people that don't have the ability to think for themselves and have t worry about what other people think of them. OP, I say that you want to have two ceremony's, then by all means do it. Just be aware that only one of them would be legal. If your judge friend is going to perform both and they area friend of the family, then I am sure they will understand the circumstance and be fine with it. Don't listen to anybody on here because these people also have no idea who YOU actually are and don't know crap about your actual scenario. Do what will make you happy because let's face it, you're the one who is going to have those memories for the rest of your life, not these people on here. Forget these people and do what will make you and your fiancé happy, but tell people what you are doing. Don't hide it and hope your guests don't find out. You may loose a few, but I feel most would be understanding and would still want to spend the day with you.

Hey you guys, I think I'm going to throw a wedding this weekend. It's just an event after all. Y'all want to come? 4 PM at my place!

LondonLisa · September 2013

Jannett83 said:

I have a question to all you nay sayers out there. Every single one of you are complaining that you can only have 1 wedding. Says who? A wedding is an event, not an action. You can only be in a single marriage at one time but who says you can't have 2 weddings if you want to. Al you people are so worried about proper etiquette, well I say forget you all. Do what you want to do. The only people that are worried about proper etiquette of things are people that don't have the ability to think for themselves and have t worry about what other people think of them. OP, I say that you want to have two ceremony's, then by all means do it. Just be aware that only one of them would be legal. If your judge friend is going to perform both and they area friend of the family, then I am sure they will understand the circumstance and be fine with it. Don't listen to anybody on here because these people also have no idea who YOU actually are and don't know crap about your actual scenario. Do what will make you happy because let's face it, you're the one who is going to have those memories for the rest of your life, not these people on here. Forget these people and do what will make you and your fiancé happy, but tell people what you are doing. Don't hide it and hope your guests don't find out. You may loose a few, but I feel most would be understanding and would still want to spend the day with you.

By definition a wedding is the action in which you are wed. You cannot be wed twice without getting divorced. That is like saying graduating is an event not an action. You either have graduated or not or have wed or not. It really is a binary action. You can't be part pregnant here.

OP- it is an awful situation and I really feel for you. I have gone through a similar situation. As pp have said, talk to your vendors about moving up your wedding date. It is so tough, but you'll just have to weigh the traditional wedding experience vs your father seeing you married. Don't feel guilty about choosing one over the other! It completely sucks, but that is being a grown up.

climbingsingle · September 2013

I'm very sorry about your father.

This is what I would do: Have a ceremony with you dad and get married. Then next year, have just a reception.

thelastdreamer · September 2013

Agree with all of the PPs except jannett83. Have your private ceremony with your father. Then next year, have an awesome party to celebrate your marriage. Everyone will know you are married and understand the circumstances. I think it's ok for her to wear her dress since it won't be in by the wedding. Just don't have a fake ceremony. It will come across as silly to you and your guests. If your FI still wants her friends to be involved, then she can still have them get ready with her the day of the party and get all glammed up. But they should not be a bridal party and should not wear matching outfits because she won't be a bride, she'll be a wife. And that's a GOOD thing. You guys will still have a great time celebrating your marriage.

NYCMercedes · September 2013

Even if you get married now and have a reception next year, it will be bittersweet. You'll be missing your dad at that gathering, whether you were married this year or not. As a parent, I'd advise you to continue with your original plan and get married next year. That's assuming that your dad has not expressed his desire to see you get married, and that it's only you that has come up with this idea. God bless you.

KatWAG · September 2013

zobird said:

Jannett83 said:

I have a question to all you nay sayers out there. Every single one of you are complaining that you can only have 1 wedding. Says who? A wedding is an event, not an action. You can only be in a single marriage at one time but who says you can't have 2 weddings if you want to. Al you people are so worried about proper etiquette, well I say forget you all. Do what you want to do. The only people that are worried about proper etiquette of things are people that don't have the ability to think for themselves and have t worry about what other people think of them. OP, I say that you want to have two ceremony's, then by all means do it. Just be aware that only one of them would be legal. If your judge friend is going to perform both and they area friend of the family, then I am sure they will understand the circumstance and be fine with it. Don't listen to anybody on here because these people also have no idea who YOU actually are and don't know crap about your actual scenario. Do what will make you happy because let's face it, you're the one who is going to have those memories for the rest of your life, not these people on here. Forget these people and do what will make you and your fiancé happy, but tell people what you are doing. Don't hide it and hope your guests don't find out. You may loose a few, but I feel most would be understanding and would still want to spend the day with you.
Hey you guys, I think I'm going to throw a wedding this weekend. It's just an event after all. Y'all want to come? 4 PM at my place!

Sweet. I am in! Its a cash bar, right?

Salsera29 · September 2013

KatWAG said:

zobird said:

Jannett83 said:

I have a question to all you nay sayers out there. Every single one of you are complaining that you can only have 1 wedding. Says who? A wedding is an event, not an action. You can only be in a single marriage at one time but who says you can't have 2 weddings if you want to. Al you people are so worried about proper etiquette, well I say forget you all. Do what you want to do. The only people that are worried about proper etiquette of things are people that don't have the ability to think for themselves and have t worry about what other people think of them. OP, I say that you want to have two ceremony's, then by all means do it. Just be aware that only one of them would be legal. If your judge friend is going to perform both and they area friend of the family, then I am sure they will understand the circumstance and be fine with it. Don't listen to anybody on here because these people also have no idea who YOU actually are and don't know crap about your actual scenario. Do what will make you happy because let's face it, you're the one who is going to have those memories for the rest of your life, not these people on here. Forget these people and do what will make you and your fiancé happy, but tell people what you are doing. Don't hide it and hope your guests don't find out. You may loose a few, but I feel most would be understanding and would still want to spend the day with you.
Hey you guys, I think I'm going to throw a wedding this weekend. It's just an event after all. Y'all want to come? 4 PM at my place!
Sweet. I am in! Its a cash bar, right?

I'll bring money for the cash bar and a dish for the putluck!

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