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Thoughts? Suggestions? Opinions? kinda long

AschiveAschive member
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I will start off with saying this, I am sorry for another post. I feel like one of those ladies that is always posting stupid topics. :( I hope that is not how you view me.

Well this time it is a deep thought provoking (for me) post.

I am taking a week for myself (as some of you know) and I really don't plan to break up with my BF, so we have been talking about the future, as in he is the next in line (after his mother) to take care of his Aunt. She was in a car accident when she was a child and is in a wheelchair and mentally handicapped. (I am so sorry as to wording it this way. I just could not think of the right way to put it. Please I do not mean to offend any one so please!) Well she has been in a group home for a while and all that taking care of her requires is going to a monthly meeting (as far as I know.) I do not know that I am ready for that since I am not related to her. (That sounds absolutely horrible!) But I went to visit her with his family when we had been dating for around 7 months and I broke down and had to excuse myself to regain composure. I just don't know what got over me. I have never been in that situation or exposed to that situation. I guess at some point it could end up where we would have to bring her into our home and care for her that way.... I am fine with it, I just don't know if I am ready for that.

But now here is the twist. My grandmother was a happy-go-lucky lady up until about 4 years ago. She started getting gout, lupus, her kidneys started failing. She just wasn't the same as she once was. Well her brother (and I believe her last immediate family member) passed away a year and a half ago, and after that her health went south (she is only 68!) She doesn't go anywhere, she is constantly at the doctor's office looking for a cocktail of medications that work together and will help her, she started drifting off to sleep while just sitting there and acting out memories from her childhood (we don't really know where they are coming from) although my Aunt, who is a surgical tech, says it is from the kidney medication. Anyway they have done multiple tests and no signs of dementia or Alzheimer shows up. Well I just found out today that she is going to be starting dialysis and my aunt is looking for someone to visit their home several times a week to help with the cleaning, laundry, food prep, and pills.

Well now I think that I should move in there to help them with all of this and help my grandfather with his farm chores. I feel this way because I don't want them to have to sell their property to afford this, especially when I am capable, and willing. Also, my cousin doesn't have a job and could easily do the same, while working at a very easy going place that will allow time off to help with doctors appointments so my grandpa wouldn't have to drive her. I feel like this is hypocritical of me to want to do this, and I would have to quit my current job, get my old one back, and move away from my BF to live with my grandparents. Any ideas on this whole subject? I am sorry it is kinda long and runs around a lot.
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Re: Thoughts? Suggestions? Opinions? kinda long

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    KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
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    I come from a family that is ... perhaps less sentimental about staying in their own homes when significant medical issues arise. My family would have selected a lovely assisted living facility or nursing home by now. Hugs to you as I know this is very difficult, but please please think really hard before you move in with your grandparents as being a caregiver is very demanding.
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    cu97tigercu97tiger member
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    TL;DR; - I read most of it, but then just skipped to the bottom.

    We can't answer this for you. How do YOU feel about it. Would you move in out of your own desire to help your grandmother or because you feel like you 'have' to? For this one, I wouldn't put too much stock in how this will affect your BF, because I think right now you need to make some decisions based on you and your feelings.
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    beanbot2002beanbot2002 member
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    @cu97tiger basically said what I was going to say. If this is something you really want to, and feel that you should do for your family, then do it. But only you can answer this. I also don't think you should be worried about your BF's aunt right now. Unless his parents are getting up there in age, themselves, I don't see this becoming an issue for your BF (notice I didn't say you, because we don't really know that you're going to be in that picture) for at least 10-20 years.

    I know I've said this before, but you're young. Very young. I think you're falling victim to the 'everything is an emergency and needs to be handled NOW' syndrome that I think most of us went through in our early 20s (or maybe it was just me). Let your BFs family handle his family, and your family handle yours.

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    minskat30minskat30 member
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    Just so I'm clear, is your cousin (the one without a job) helping or not? I'm not asking to judge if she isn't, just want to get a clear sense of who can (and is willing to) help out.  I wouldn't beat yourself up about your reaction to your BF's Aunt...these kinds of situations can be hard to come to terms with.

    My advice is to think very long and hard before committing to this.  Wanting to take care of you loved ones is very kind but it is very, very difficult and only gets more difficult as time goes on.  I don't say this to be harsh but from experience (I took care of my grandmother for 7 years before she passed and took care of my dad with my sister for about 1 1/2 years before he passed).  And, from experience, once you become known as the "caretaker" in the family, people sort of expect you to keep it up.  I wouldn't change what I did but when taking care of my grandmother I was in school and not in a career and when taking care of my dad I didn't quit my job to do so but worked extra long hours Mon-Thurs and then remotely Friday-Sunday to relieve my sister. 

    You have to way the pros and cons here for you.  Is your job something you love? Current location? Can your grandparents get some help that comes by every once and a while? How dire is there situation right now?  Those are all questions you need to closely evaluate before you make such a life-changing decision.

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    CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
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    Everyone above has given excellent advice. I agree that you definitely need to consider how you really feel and not just whether you "should" help or not. What you are considering doing is very noble, but it is also very demanding and not the kind of thing you can just try and then change your mind on if you don't like it. So make yourself a list of pros and cons and let it help you decide what you want to do.

    You don't mention how far away your grandparents and aunt live (and, to confirm, they live together? Aunt lives nearby? I can't really tell). Even if you decide that this is not a good time for you to take this commitment, you might be able to offer to take over once or twice a month for his primary caregiver, as that person will surely need a break sometimes. My BF is his grandfather's "caregiver," but his aunt comes up for a weekend every 3-4 weeks or so to give him a break so he can actually leave the house. Maybe you could volunteer your time in that way but still be able to keep the same job, commitments, etc.

    Also, if you want to post, post away. :) We love helping out and giving advice.
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    CASK85CASK85 member
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    I just want to throw in my two cents. You are not a hypocrite for wanting to help your family and not his. 
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    AschiveAschive member
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    My cousin is the same age as me (20) and she is a little slow for our age but it's not like it affects her to much. She still needs to finish high school, so that is the only problem I see with this. I am thinking that if I do, I will see if she wants to as well then we can take every other day. I am just thinking about a lot of stuff and it is so confusing. I know you can't answer this for me, but opinions from an outside source are always good. My family has been hinting at this for a while now. They need the help, but they don't want it. I don't want them to pay for someone to come in when they don't want it. 

    My aunt lives about an hour away from my grandparents. So it is hard for her to be the main caregiver, and always take her to the doctor and appointments. I currently live 45 mins. away from my grandparents so it is not that far.
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
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    KeptInStitches said:
    I come from a family that is ... perhaps less sentimental about staying in their own homes when significant medical issues arise. My family would have selected a lovely assisted living facility or nursing home by now. Hugs to you as I know this is very difficult, but please please think really hard before you move in with your grandparents as being a caregiver is very demanding.
    This exactly.


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    phiraphira member
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    Agreeing with @KeptInStitches and @cschiano

    Most of my family is doing fine in their own homes (my grandparents are all in their 80s), but when the time comes, we assume that we'll either be hiring home care OR finding assisted living facilities. No one is going to move in with anyone to take care of anyone. It's not because we don't love our more senior family members, but more that everyone's got pretty damn busy and full lives. We love our family very much, enough to want to make sure they're all well-cared for, but not really enough to put lives on hold.

    And it's not even a little bit hypocritical of you to care more about your own family than your boyfriend's.
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    AschiveAschive member
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    We are thinking of a nursing home situation as well. But my grandpa is fine and he would never leave his farm. My grandma would benefit being around people all the time. I think we should split them up, Aunt says no, mom says yes. (Their only children are my mom and aunt.) So, now comes the idea of my grandparents moving into town with my aunt. Grandpa would hate it, grandma would like it.... It is all just so confusing! Then to top it off when I was about 16 they were talking about kidney transplants and who would be a match and who wouldn't and they were appalled when I said I would not... Which I had my reasons. 

    I know I am the favorite grandchild out of 4, they pretty much raised me and I was always over there. I can get whatever I want from them. (3 cars, a puppy, a bunny, a horse, and at one point during high school endless amounts of gas and food on a charge account at the local gas station.) I feel like somehow I have to step up  and start helping out.

    As of right now they do not have anyone going to the house to help them. My aunt just started her search for someone.
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    loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
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    edited September 2013

    Good Lord!

    When are you going to start living your life for YOU???

    You're on a break from your BF and you're spending that time debating whether or not you want to be the caregiver for a handicapped relative of HIS?

    This is not a good use of your time.  Why don't you actually take this break to reflect.

    What makes YOU happy?  In your absolute DREAM life/career/relationship scenarios, what are you doing?  Figure out what makes you happy.  Figure out what your dreams are.  Figure out what will get you to acheive your dreams.  And start there.

    Stop worrying about your BF, his family, and his problems.  Worry about YOU.

    ETA:  Also, if you're not comfortable being a caregiver for someone (even if they are your own relative), be honest about that.  Own that.  And, if necessary, find an approprate caregiver for them.  But you REALLY need to stop biting off more than you can chew.  You don't get an award for that at the end of your life.


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    CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
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    @aschive, you sound like a very caring person. I think @Phira's suggestion about home care is also a great one that I don't think had been mentioned before (apologies if I'm mistaken). Having a home health aide come in would accomplish the same things you would be doing - laundry, meals, etc. Yes, there is a cost associated with it, but that would give everyone in the family a break, and you could still arrange to help out from time to time when needed. It is so awesome that you want to participate in your grandmother's care, but @loves2shop4shoes is absolutely correct in that you need to take care of yourself and make your own life stable before you can do the same for anyone else.
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    AschiveAschive member
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    I am taking the break as a time to focus on me. I just found out that my grandmother was getting worse so it was a thought that crossed my mind. I would love to move closer to my whole family again! But I love the people I have met at my current job. I am comfortable with the idea of it being my family.
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    AschiveAschive member
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    I would love for someone to be able to go into the home to help. But no one in my family can afford it. Not even my grandparents and that is what gets me the most, I feel so bad because they have done so much for me and I am just a spoiled brat that has never given them anything back.
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    cu97tigercu97tiger member
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    loves2shop4shoes said:

    Good Lord!

    When are you going to start living your life for YOU???

    You're on a break from your BF and you're spending that time debating whether or not you want to be the caregiver for a handicapped relative of HIS?

    This is not a good use of your time.  Why don't you actually take this break to reflect.

    What makes YOU happy?  In your absolute DREAM life/career/relationship scenarios, what are you doing?  Figure out what makes you happy.  Figure out what your dreams are.  Figure out what will get you to acheive your dreams.  And start there.

    Stop worrying about your BF, his family, and his problems.  Worry about YOU.

    ETA:  Also, if you're not comfortable being a caregiver for someone (even if they are your own relative), be honest about that.  Own that.  And, if necessary, find an approprate caregiver for them.  But you REALLY need to stop biting off more than you can chew.  You don't get an award for that at the end of your life.

    @loves2shop4shoes - it's HER grandmother, not HIS  :) 

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    loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
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    cu97tiger said:
    loves2shop4shoes said:

    Good Lord!

    When are you going to start living your life for YOU???

    You're on a break from your BF and you're spending that time debating whether or not you want to be the caregiver for a handicapped relative of HIS?

    This is not a good use of your time.  Why don't you actually take this break to reflect.

    What makes YOU happy?  In your absolute DREAM life/career/relationship scenarios, what are you doing?  Figure out what makes you happy.  Figure out what your dreams are.  Figure out what will get you to acheive your dreams.  And start there.

    Stop worrying about your BF, his family, and his problems.  Worry about YOU.

    ETA:  Also, if you're not comfortable being a caregiver for someone (even if they are your own relative), be honest about that.  Own that.  And, if necessary, find an approprate caregiver for them.  But you REALLY need to stop biting off more than you can chew.  You don't get an award for that at the end of your life.

    @loves2shop4shoes - it's HER grandmother, not HIS  :) 

    <3 you
    @cu97tiger, I know it's her grandmother, but she started off the post talking about HIS handicapped Aunt.

    I think @Aschive needs to get her own life together before helping others.

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