etiquette

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

JessiBoom said:

I personally think a lot of the etiquette rules are really silly. I'm not very far into the wedding planning stages, just getting the big important things taken care of first, but at our venue there is a bar attached and there is no way we could afford to pay for the alcohol, especially since we are not allowed to bring anything from outside. We made the choice to have the bar attended, all we had to do was ask, and guest can choose to buy their own alcohol or not have any.
My view is that this is our wedding and its for us. (The reception and ceremony are at the same place.) The location of the events doesn't matter. The ceremony is for you two and the "reception" is where you "receive" your guests and thank them for witnessing your ceremony. The reception a party you throw for your guests. If you only want your wedding to be for YOU TWO, then elope. Problem solved. So it's all our decisions, what we can and what we want to do. Nobody is helping pay for it so nobody else is making decisions is how we view it.
I've been to weddings with cash bars and nobody seemed to mind and neither did we.
We've talked to all our guests and they think it's a fine idea. You've talked to ALL your guests? Shenanigans. Even if you DID, they might not be like "oh wow, no. don't do that." Think about it. If you asked your guests if they like your dress do you really think they're going to say, "not really. It's really unflattering and looks cheap." Polite people aren't going to rudely call you out. Internet strangers have no problem candidly telling you something is rude.
The reason's we're doing a cash bar (and they're not excuses, if we were just looking for excuses we'd do a dry wedding) is:
There are several alcoholics in our families and we don't want them to be encouraged to get excessively drunk, though I understand they will probably still get drunk. Cash bars don't prevent alcoholics from getting drunk. Have you ever been to a bar (that charges for alcohol) with alcoholics? Do they get drunk? There's your answer.
Cuts down the likelihood of drunk driving. How? Responsible adults dont' drink and drive. If your adults aren't responsible, it's their own problem and you can decide if you want to have a bar at all if you're truly worried about their safety.
There is no way we would ever be able to afford it and we know they do want the option. Then have a dry wedding. You are trying to have the type of wedding you can't afford.
It's only poor etiquette in some places... No. Common =/= good etiquette.
They are not made uncomfortable and we are letting them know ahead of time that it will be a cash bar. This is not true. How are you going to tactfully tell people to bring money to your wedding so they can host themselves? You can't - because there's no tactful way to do it.

JessiBoom · October 2013

Well, I think you're missing the point of this thread. We're talking about how we think these etiquette rule books and etiquette police are silly. If I wanted advice on etiquette then I'd go to the board dedicated to that.

Also I didn't say it would prevent people from getting drunk. I even said that I know they will still get drunk. But if there is free unlimited alcohol they're much more likely to get much more drunk.

MrsAitch · October 2013

I just did an informal survey of some friends this weekend asking if they would rather go to a dry wedding or a wedding with a cash bar. Most laughed, every single one said "cash bar," many looked at me like it was silly to even ask, one said "is this a trick question," and another thought I must've been joking because obviously everyone would prefer a cash bar. I asked them all if they thought it was rude to have to pay for their own drinks at a wedding since the host and hostess should provide the amenities for their guests and not make their guests pay for them, and they all looked at me like I was nuts and said things like "who would say that?" and again exclaimed that a wedding with alcohol was more fun than one without and they didn't care who paid for the drinks. They also couldn't believe anyone would worry about such a thing because it was just so obvious that a wedding was better if booze was at least available as an option. Some of them really didn't believe me when I told them that people think it's "more polite" to have no bar rather than a cash bar.

If etiquette is all about being gracious to your guests and providing them with a night that they will enjoy, then in my circle if you can't afford an open bar it would be proper etiquette to have a cash bar rather than none at all.

And if something like 1% of the guests decide they want to be a guestzilla and say that they'd rather attend a dry wedding then they're the ones being rude. I think it's better to do something that pleases the majority of your guests rather than the "etiquette police."

Also I have to add, even though most of the friends surveyed are from rural areas of the midwest, one is an East Coast prep who went to boarding school and is probably the WASP-iest person I know.

ETA: Also what's with a lot of the etiquette police on here who have been married for a couple years? Why are you on a wedding planning site? I haz a confused.

darlinganastasia · October 2013

So who is the brilliant person who said it's ok for guests to spend money on a gift but not to ask someone to pay 6 bucks if they want a Scotch on the rocks instead of a soda? Does anyone else see fault in this? I for one don't give a crap about gifts. I don't like people spending money on me. I will accept gifts but anything over 50.00 makes me uncomfortable.

As much as people hate bridezilla's, I have questzilla's. I think thats where most of the stress to have a perfect wedding comes from. Trying to please everyone. Some people need to unbunch their panties and relax. There is too much focus on post victorian good hosting skills. Current trends and customs have replaced etiquette.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

MrsAitch said:

I just did an informal survey of some friends this weekend asking if they would rather go to a dry wedding or a wedding with a cash bar. Most laughed, every single one said "cash bar," many looked at me like it was silly to even ask, one said "is this a trick question," and another thought I must've been joking because obviously everyone would prefer a cash bar. I asked them all if they thought it was rude to have to pay for their own drinks at a wedding since the host and hostess should provide the amenities for their guests and not make their guests pay for them, and they all looked at me like I was nuts and said things like "who would say that?" and again exclaimed that a wedding with alcohol was more fun than one without and they didn't care who paid for the drinks. They also couldn't believe anyone would worry about such a thing because it was just so obvious that a wedding was better if booze was at least available as an option. Some of them really didn't believe me when I told them that people think it's "more polite" to have no bar rather than a cash bar.

If etiquette is all about being gracious to your guests and providing them with a night that they will enjoy, then in my circle if you can't afford an open bar it would be proper etiquette to have a cash bar rather than none at all.

And if something like 1% of the guests decide they want to be a guestzilla and say that they'd rather attend a dry wedding then they're the ones being rude. I think it's better to do something that pleases the majority of your guests rather than the "etiquette police."

Also I have to add, even though most of the friends surveyed are from rural areas of the midwest, one is an East Coast prep who went to boarding school and is probably the WASP-iest person I know.

ETA: Also what's with a lot of the etiquette police on here who have been married for a couple years? Why are you on a wedding planning site? I haz a confused.

First of all, your "survey" doesn't say anything for anyone outside your tiny group of friends, so it's not applicable. At all.

Second of all, no one here is "the etiquette police". Personally, I don't really care if you treat your guests poorly. I can advise you how to host people, but if you know what that means and you decide to do whatever you want anyway, no one's stopping you.

Thirdly, do you have any idea how offensive the term WASP is? Using that term is incredibly ignorant and extremely offensive. Please stop.

And finally, I'm married. Been married for 2 months. Do you have a problem with me being on these boards? That's not a rhetorical question. Let me ask you something. If you were going to buy a Ford Escape, would you rather get advice from someone who has owned an Escape or someone who has not? It's the same thing with weddings. When I was preparing for my wedding, I got better advice from people who had actually gone through the whole process than someone who hadn't.

grumbledore · October 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

MrsAitch said:

I just did an informal survey of some friends this weekend asking if they would rather go to a dry wedding or a wedding with a cash bar. Most laughed, every single one said "cash bar," many looked at me like it was silly to even ask, one said "is this a trick question," and another thought I must've been joking because obviously everyone would prefer a cash bar. I asked them all if they thought it was rude to have to pay for their own drinks at a wedding since the host and hostess should provide the amenities for their guests and not make their guests pay for them, and they all looked at me like I was nuts and said things like "who would say that?" and again exclaimed that a wedding with alcohol was more fun than one without and they didn't care who paid for the drinks. They also couldn't believe anyone would worry about such a thing because it was just so obvious that a wedding was better if booze was at least available as an option. Some of them really didn't believe me when I told them that people think it's "more polite" to have no bar rather than a cash bar.

If etiquette is all about being gracious to your guests and providing them with a night that they will enjoy, then in my circle if you can't afford an open bar it would be proper etiquette to have a cash bar rather than none at all.

And if something like 1% of the guests decide they want to be a guestzilla and say that they'd rather attend a dry wedding then they're the ones being rude. I think it's better to do something that pleases the majority of your guests rather than the "etiquette police."

Also I have to add, even though most of the friends surveyed are from rural areas of the midwest, one is an East Coast prep who went to boarding school and is probably the WASP-iest person I know.

ETA: Also what's with a lot of the etiquette police on here who have been married for a couple years? Why are you on a wedding planning site? I haz a confused.

First of all, your "survey" doesn't say anything for anyone outside your tiny group of friends, so it's not applicable. At all.

Second of all, no one here is "the etiquette police". Personally, I don't really care if you treat your guests poorly. I can advise you how to host people, but if you know what that means and you decide to do whatever you want anyway, no one's stopping you.

Thirdly, do you have any idea how offensive the term WASP is? Using that term is incredibly ignorant and extremely offensive. Please stop.

And finally, I'm married. Been married for 2 months. Do you have a problem with me being on these boards? That's not a rhetorical question. Let me ask you something. If you were going to buy a Ford Escape, would you rather get advice from someone who has owned an Escape or someone who has not? It's the same thing with weddings. When I was preparing for my wedding, I got better advice from people who had actually gone through the whole process than someone who hadn't.

Shut up and stop being logical.

Dreamergirl8812 · October 2013

darlinganastasia said:

So who is the brilliant person who said it's ok for guests to spend money on a gift but not to ask someone to pay 6 bucks if they want a Scotch on the rocks instead of a soda? Does anyone else see fault in this? I for one don't give a crap about gifts. I don't like people spending money on me. I will accept gifts but anything over 50.00 makes me uncomfortable.

As much as people hate bridezilla's, I have questzilla's. I think thats where most of the stress to have a perfect wedding comes from. Trying to please everyone. Some people need to unbunch their panties and relax. There is too much focus on post victorian good hosting skills. Current trends and customs have replaced etiquette.

Are you asking your guests for gifts? Because I'm not. I'm also not having a cash register at my reception.

What's a questzilla? Because that sounds awesome.

You don't know what the words etiquette and Victorian mean.

Also, I don't wear panties.

etiquette

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