bridesmaid down!

GrrArgh · October 2013

Despite our best efforts to help her be there she simply can not afford to be in the wedding and has bowed out gracefully. No harm no foul, it's just a money issue. I guess my question is, as I'm going to have to find an alternative to fill in the gap. Should I offer to buy back the dress she had already bought so she can have the money and I can exchange it for the new size dress for whom ever I get to try to fill her shoes? I wish the original would have stayed, I even offered to pay for the dresses and shoes and such but she didn't feel right doing that. :-( So how exactly does one go about asking an additional person to be a bridesmaid without it looking like "Oh hi you're my 2nd pick I guess so welcome to the team."

MissMWood · October 2013

I would just leave it, your sides don't have to be even. If I found out that I was only a bridesmaid because someone else pulled out I would feel pretty offended.

GrrArgh · October 2013

Thats what I was thinking too. It's just a shame. I know I could ask my 17 year old cousin, she would be elated to come wear a sparkly dress and walk with a cute boy, but again.. I still don't want to offend the cute 17 year old cousin. I may talk to her mom, and see if she thinks she would be offended by or excited to be included.

Viczaesar · October 2013

johnson.kmarie said:

Despite our best efforts to help her be there she simply can not afford to be in the wedding and has bowed out gracefully. No harm no foul, it's just a money issue. I guess my question is, as I'm going to have to find an alternative to fill in the gap. Should I offer to buy back the dress she had already bought so she can have the money and I can exchange it for the new size dress for whom ever I get to try to fill her shoes? I wish the original would have stayed, I even offered to pay for the dresses and shoes and such but she didn't feel right doing that. :-( So how exactly does one go about asking an additional person to be a bridesmaid without it looking like "Oh hi you're my 2nd pick I guess so welcome to the team."

No you don't, nor should you. Your bridesmaids aren't replaceable props. Leave your wedding party as-is.

Teddy917 · October 2013

You should've asked her what her budget was beforehand.

SomethingBeautiful08 · October 2013

I'm sure your cousin might have enjoyed the wearing a pretty dress, but probably not one that she didn't have any say in, while I'm sure that if she is polite at all she will likely say yes and not mention any disappointment to your face, but she will likely feel second tier for a long time. The bridal party is not a "team", they are not props, no need to replace her.

doeydo · October 2013

johnson.kmarie said:

Despite our best efforts to help her be there she simply can not afford to be in the wedding and has bowed out gracefully. No harm no foul, it's just a money issue. I guess my question is, as I'm going to have to find an alternative to fill in the gap. Should I offer to buy back the dress she had already bought so she can have the money and I can exchange it for the new size dress for whom ever I get to try to fill her shoes? I wish the original would have stayed, I even offered to pay for the dresses and shoes and such but she didn't feel right doing that. :-( So how exactly does one go about asking an additional person to be a bridesmaid without it looking like "Oh hi you're my 2nd pick I guess so welcome to the team."

No. Of course the girl will know she is a back-up, second rate, second pick bridesmaid. It is very rude. And why the heck do you need to fill her spot? She wasn't playing a part in a play. She was a bridesmaid.

Fran1985 · October 2013

Oh goodness no, do not replace the bridesmaid. Just have one less. Your last sentence is exactly why you can never do this.

grumbledore · October 2013

johnson.kmarie said:

Despite our best efforts to help her be there she simply can not afford to be in the wedding and has bowed out gracefully. No harm no foul, it's just a money issue. I guess my question is, as I'm going to have to find an alternative to fill in the gap. Should I offer to buy back the dress she had already bought so she can have the money and I can exchange it for the new size dress for whom ever I get to try to fill her shoes? I wish the original would have stayed, I even offered to pay for the dresses and shoes and such but she didn't feel right doing that. :-( So how exactly does one go about asking an additional person to be a bridesmaid without it looking like "Oh hi you're my 2nd pick I guess so welcome to the team."

You don't replace people, they're not props.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

johnson.kmarie said:

Despite our best efforts to help her be there she simply can not afford to be in the wedding and has bowed out gracefully. No harm no foul, it's just a money issue. I guess my question is, as I'm going to have to find an alternative to fill in the gap. Should I offer to buy back the dress she had already bought so she can have the money and I can exchange it for the new size dress for whom ever I get to try to fill her shoes? I wish the original would have stayed, I even offered to pay for the dresses and shoes and such but she didn't feel right doing that. :-( So how exactly does one go about asking an additional person to be a bridesmaid without it looking like "Oh hi you're my 2nd pick I guess so welcome to the team."

The reason you're having trouble wording it is because it IS rude. The BM who can't afford to be in the wedding is going to feel replaceable and whoever you ask would feel 2nd rate - and both would blame you. Everyone loses.

johnson.kmarie said:

Thats what I was thinking too. It's just a shame. I know I could ask my 17 year old cousin, she would be elated to come wear a sparkly dress and walk with a cute boy, but again.. I still don't want to offend the cute 17 year old cousin. I may talk to her mom, and see if she thinks she would be offended by or excited to be included.

When you were 17, could your mom read your mind? I know my mom definitely couldn't. Your instinct is correct and your desire to "fill the gap" is clouding your logic. Go with your gut and leave your WP as is.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

Unless she was the only BM you don't have to replace her. You aren't responsible to pay her for her dress, but if you wanted to help her sell it on e-bay to help recoup some of her money, that would be nice.

Dreamergirl8812 · October 2013

Erikan73 said:
Unless she was the only BM you don't have to replace her. You aren't responsible to pay her for her dress, but if you wanted to help her sell it on e-bay to help recoup some of her money, that would be nice.

Um, no. You don't replace her. It has nothing to do with the number of bridesmaids.

GrrArgh · October 2013

Teddy917 said:

You should've asked her what her budget was beforehand.

Schatzi13 said:

johnson.kmarie said:
Might I ask what it is that the original BM can't afford? It sounds like she has the dress already, so is that not the problem?

I honestly can't tell you she just used a blanket statement. I found dresses on sale for under $50, the shoes also already bought were under $35, I put both on my credit card and let them pay me back as they could to which she had already done. The only thing left was a bolero jacket that I bought all the fabric for and was having made for them, which would have cost them an additional $25. So a total of $110 unless she felt like having her hair and makeup done professionally which I left up to them to decide. (she asked if I could at least keep the dress under $150... I kept the entire outfit under that) I honestly think something else is up she just isn't willing to tell me about, which saddens me more than her not being in the wedding. Yes I have tried asking, all I can do now is give her time and space and see if it something she maybe wants to talk about later. But I digress, we'll just have to be uneven though ascetically speaking it irks me (its why I picked evens to begin with) It's just how it has to be, I'd hate to hurt anyone's feelings over something so trivial.

MandyMost · October 2013

Is she planning to attend the wedding as a guest? If she already has the dress/shoes, and is planning on attending anyway, I'd at least be clear that NOTHING else is required from her to pay (i.e. no surprise costs later, such as paying for a bachelorette, shower, gifts for both of those, etc.), and also clarify that you just want her to be there and no gifts are necessary for the wedding, either. And then I'd let her decide how to proceed.

GrrArgh · October 2013

Yes Mandy, I have explained that to her. It's why I think something else is going on or has happened, she's unsure if she'll be attending at all. :-(

KatWAG · October 2013

johnson.kmarie said:

Teddy917 said:

You should've asked her what her budget was beforehand.

Schatzi13 said:

johnson.kmarie said:

Might I ask what it is that the original BM can't afford? It sounds like she has the dress already, so is that not the problem?
I honestly can't tell you she just used a blanket statement. I found dresses on sale for under $50, the shoes also already bought were under $35, I put both on my credit card and let them pay me back as they could to which she had already done. The only thing left was a bolero jacket that I bought all the fabric for and was having made for them, which would have cost them an additional $25. So a total of $110 unless she felt like having her hair and makeup done professionally which I left up to them to decide. (she asked if I could at least keep the dress under $150... I kept the entire outfit under that) I honestly think something else is up she just isn't willing to tell me about, which saddens me more than her not being in the wedding. Yes I have tried asking, all I can do now is give her time and space and see if it something she maybe wants to talk about later. But I digress, we'll just have to be uneven though ascetically speaking it irks me (its why I picked evens to begin with) It's just how it has to be, I'd hate to hurt anyone's feelings over something so trivial.

If you want your BMs to wear something specific (other than the dress) you need to pay for it. That includes shoes, jewerly, jackets, shawls, hair and make up.

She might have been able to afford the $50 dress and then still be able to be a BM.

GrrArgh · October 2013

Traditionally around here and even on most websites (including knot.com) all say bridesmaids pay for the outfit, including shoes. Typically Jewelry is given as a gift from the bride.

Clothes

Bride and family pay for bride's dress, veil, accessories, and trousseau (read: lingerie and honeymoon clothes).
Groom and family pay for groom's outfit.
All attendants pay for their own clothing (including shoes).

Read more: Who Pays for What in a Wedding http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/engaged/articles/wedding-budget-who-pays-for-what.aspx#ixzz2gZgdOU3k

In any event, I came $40 less than what she expected to spend on just the dress alone (she knew before hand shoes any accessories like a bolero would be included in things she was "responsible" for.) Which is all pretty moot as I had offered to pay for all these things anyways for her just in an attempt to keep her in the wedding.

KeptInStitches · October 2013

I was the replacement bridesmaid, and I wasn't told until several months after I was asked and accepted. Then what could I do? I went through with the wedding, but that's one of several reasons I don't speak to the bride anymore.

Also, keep in mind that jewelry for the wedding isn't a very good gift because it completes the "look" you're going for on your day and isn't something for them. Why not at least supplement it with something personally tailored to each of your BMs?

GrrArgh · October 2013

KeptInStitches said:

I was the replacement bridesmaid, and I wasn't told until several months after I was asked and accepted. Then what could I do? I went through with the wedding, but that's one of several reasons I don't speak to the bride anymore.

Also, keep in mind that jewelry for the wedding isn't a very good gift because it completes the "look" you're going for on your day and isn't something for them. Why not at least supplement it with something personally tailored to each of your BMs?

Oh I have

the person above was just referencing the "outfit" so I was just responding to that. The jewelry is just one of the gifts I have gotten them.

KeptInStitches · October 2013

Oh good! I just couldn't tell from what you'd posted.

annathy03 · October 2013

johnson.kmarie said:

Traditionally around here and even on most websites (including knot.com) all say bridesmaids pay for the outfit, including shoes. Typically Jewelry is given as a gift from the bride.
Clothes

Bride and family pay for bride's dress, veil, accessories, and trousseau (read: lingerie and honeymoon clothes).
Groom and family pay for groom's outfit.
All attendants pay for their own clothing (including shoes).

Read more: Who Pays for What in a Wedding http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/engaged/articles/wedding-budget-who-pays-for-what.aspx#ixzz2gZgdOU3k

In any event, I came $40 less than what she expected to spend on just the dress alone (she knew before hand shoes any accessories like a bolero would be included in things she was "responsible" for.) Which is all pretty moot as I had offered to pay for all these things anyways for her just in an attempt to keep her in the wedding.

That's if you give them a generic instruction (i.e. silver shoes), not a specific model that they have to purchase new for your wedding.

In any case it sounds like her reasons are more than monetary, I'd recommend spending some time with her as a friend (take the "bride" hat off, no wedding talk, etc) and be there to support her with whatever is going on.

grumbledore · October 2013

Erikan73 said:

Unless she was the only BM you don't have to replace her. You aren't responsible to pay her for her dress, but if you wanted to help her sell it on e-bay to help recoup some of her money, that would be nice.

Even if she was the only BM, you still don't replace her. A bridesmaid is a person you love who you want standing beside you while you make a lifelong commitment, not a decoration. FFS.

grumbledore · October 2013

johnson.kmarie said:

Traditionally around here and even on most websites (including knot.com) all say bridesmaids pay for the outfit, including shoes. Typically Jewelry is given as a gift from the bride.
Clothes

Bride and family pay for bride's dress, veil, accessories, and trousseau (read: lingerie and honeymoon clothes).
Groom and family pay for groom's outfit.
All attendants pay for their own clothing (including shoes).

Read more: Who Pays for What in a Wedding http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/engaged/articles/wedding-budget-who-pays-for-what.aspx#ixzz2gZgdOU3k

In any event, I came $40 less than what she expected to spend on just the dress alone (she knew before hand shoes any accessories like a bolero would be included in things she was "responsible" for.) Which is all pretty moot as I had offered to pay for all these things anyways for her just in an attempt to keep her in the wedding.

TK gives bad advice all the time, as do other wedding sites - they are trying to make money, for themselves and their advertisers. The advice you are getting from actual people on the forum is unbiased since we don't stand to gain anything from your decision.

ei34 · October 2013

I would not replace the bridesmaid. The people closest to you were already asked. I'd leave as is, I've been to lots of weddings where the numbers of bridesmaids and groomsmen are uneven.

Although it's a kind sentiment, I wouldn't offer to buy her dress back. You have enough expenses yourself, and she should have declined before buying the dress. Good luck and happy wedding day in advance!

GrrArgh · October 2013

Going off my experience, having been a bridesmaid several times in other friend's weddings. I've always just given the bride my budget and she has picked out everything and I paid for it all (including shoes) that just seems to be customary for the experiences I have. I agree with annathy03 though, something isn't adding up and it's not the money.

Pepper6 · October 2013

I'd take your wedding out of the scenario for a bit and have a heart to heart with your friend about what may be going on in her life. If she already has the dress and there are no other expenses she needs to cover, it seems that the "financial" reason for no longer being in the wedding doesn't jive. Make sure she knows that she's your friend no matter what, maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't.

Either way, DO NOT replace her. It says to the replacement "I'm only picking you because someone I like more couldn't make it" and it says to your friend "You are replaceable and the only reason I asked you was to be a prop".

cowgirl8238 · October 2013

Pepper6 said:

I'd take your wedding out of the scenario for a bit and have a heart to heart with your friend about what may be going on in her life. If she already has the dress and there are no other expenses she needs to cover, it seems that the "financial" reason for no longer being in the wedding doesn't jive. Make sure she knows that she's your friend no matter what, maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't.

Either way, DO NOT replace her. It says to the replacement "I'm only picking you because someone I like more couldn't make it" and it says to your friend "You are replaceable and the only reason I asked you was to be a prop".

This exactly! Well said!

crunchymamaof2 · October 2013

johnson.kmarie said:

Going off my experience, having been a bridesmaid several times in other friend's weddings. I've always just given the bride my budget and she has picked out everything and I paid for it all (including shoes) that just seems to be customary for the experiences I have. I agree with annathy03 though, something isn't adding up and it's not the money.

Normally bridesmaid should only be required to buy the dress and it needs to be at or lower than the smallest budget (If 2 bridesmaids can afford up to $200, and the 3rd can only afford $100, dress should be $100 or less for everyone, for example). Shoes, hair, makeup, accessories are provided/paid for by them as long as you don't specify a specific type or look. If you tell them "any silver or black shoe, some type of necklace, and hair and makeup however you wish (or any type of updo, or down in any style)" then you don't have to pay. But if you tell them "silver shoes, preferably Jimmy Choos, pearl studs and a matching pearl necklace, and professional hair and makeup" then it's your job to pay for those things. Boleros and other accessories are also included in that.

The Knot, and pretty much most other wedding websites are notorious for terrible and wrong advice. Take everything you read from the wedding industry with a grain of salt.

GrrArgh · October 2013

Well problem solved, had a nice chat with her and everything is back on course... I still don't know what exactly cased the cold feet, but she assures me it was "nothing" (woman speak for a big something she just doesn't want to talk about right now)

Though apparently in the meantime my well meaning mother contacted my cousin regardless *sigh* but hey now we have an additional bridesmaid (my little 16 year old cousin) who apparently is thrilled, My original bridesmaid is back and happy for the addition (along with the 16 year old came her 21 year old cute big brother that the original bridesmaid now gets to walk with... there was some swooning... i gagged.)

I've taken a moment to explain to all my friends and family I plan to spend the remaining 3 months focusing on the important part of all this, my relationship with my soon to be husband and the covenants and vows we are about to take before God. I know as I focus on the things that actually matter in my life, the trivial things will fall into place, or fall to the wayside unnoticed. All will be well and I will be less at risk of becoming a crazy bridzilla person!

BMoreBride6 · October 2013

johnson.kmarie said:

Well problem solved, had a nice chat with her and everything is back on course... I still don't know what exactly cased the cold feet, but she assures me it was "nothing" (woman speak for a big something she just doesn't want to talk about right now)

Though apparently in the meantime my well meaning mother contacted my cousin regardless *sigh* but hey now we have an additional bridesmaid (my little 16 year old cousin) who apparently is thrilled, My original bridesmaid is back and happy for the addition (along with the 16 year old came her 21 year old cute big brother that the original bridesmaid now gets to walk with... there was some swooning... i gagged.)

I've taken a moment to explain to all my friends and family I plan to spend the remaining 3 months focusing on the important part of all this, my relationship with my soon to be husband and the covenants and vows we are about to take before God. I know as I focus on the things that actually matter in my life, the trivial things will fall into place, or fall to the wayside unnoticed. All will be well and I will be less at risk of becoming a crazy bridzilla person!

Okay I now you're well meaning, but it really irks me that you keep referring to a 16 year old (17?) and 21 year old as "cute little cousins". They aren't 5...

GrrArgh · October 2013

I mean little as in younger and cute as in attractive. I suppose I could say my beautiful younger 16 year old 2nd cousin and my handsome younger 21 year old 2nd cousin who I both held the day they were born. However, that felt a bit excessive for the point of the post. Just as an explanation, I have 10+ years on both of them, to me they are and will forever be my baby cousins. Maybe it's a southern thing, maybe it's just a family thing but we've always referred to everyone (I have 30 1st cousin and we wont get into how many 2nd cousins) as either a "big cousin" or "little cousin" depending on their age placement in relevance to yourself. Much like a big brother/sister or little brother/sister. I'm in my early 30s and still have cousins that refer to me as their little or baby cousin.

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