When someone RSVPs with a maybe

melodydurham · October 2013

I'm not sure how to respond to this message:

I put down for two, but there’s a slight chance that it’s a maybe. So time-wise, maybe we can both at least make the reception? Or else just me. Of if I go along with him, then I might not be able to make it either. I figured it’d be better to say we’re coming, even if one or both of us aren’t able to make it. Is that ok?

I am tight on space and cringe at the thought of paying for someone who can't tell me if they will be able to make it. Wedding is in 17 days.

LDubHawksFan · October 2013

I would say you need an answer by x date (the day your venue needs the final count). If they are still a maybe I would bite the bullet and keep them as yes in case. It would be more embarrassing if they came and had no where to sit and nothing to eat. Most weddings have a few no shows (we had 2 for our 100 person wedding).

photokitty · October 2013

Respond with - I have to give the final head count on ____ date. Let my know by then if you will attend or not.

My venue allowed me to add people after the final count, but not drop any. If yours lets you do this I would count a maybe as a no and add on when you have a firm answer.

Not cool of her...sorry! GL!

climbingsingle · October 2013

Hmm. I'm hella annoyed by that. So according to her, it's better that you pay for them to be there even if they don't show up.

Maggie0829 · October 2013

I would respond with "We need to know a definitive answer by X".

It is rude of them to want you to pay for them even though they have no idea if they will or will not be able to make it.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

melodydurham said:

I'm not sure how to respond to this message:
I put down for two, but there’s a slight chance that it’s a maybe. So time-wise, maybe we can both at least make the reception? Or else just me. Of if I go along with him, then I might not be able to make it either. I figured it’d be better to say we’re coming, even if one or both of us aren’t able to make it. Is that ok?
I am tight on space and cringe at the thought of paying for someone who can't tell me if they will be able to make it. Wedding is in 17 days.

I would straight-up tell her, "I need to know, for certain, by X date. If you cannot tell me affirmatively by X date that you will/won't be attending, I will mark you out as a 'no.'" Invitations aren't subpoenas, but RSVPs also aren't negotiable. They're binding statements -- either the person will or won't attend.

If your wedding is in 17 days, that makes you an Oct. 19 bride, so I'd give her a cut-off of NO LATER THAN Oct. 14.

ETA: fix typo

mmm4763 · October 2013

My venue also allows me to add (up to 24 hours prior to event) but not drop anyone after the headcount is due. They will also prepare 5% above the stated number (per the contract). If this is also the case for you, I would mark them as "no" and add them later if/as you get more clarity.

JeeGooDowster · October 2013

I agree with the other posters...give her a deadline, but I think it's safe to just exclude her in your headcount...if she decides to come, great, then you can add her last minute

phira · October 2013

I agree with previous posters on both accounts:

1) Find out how late you can increase your headcount. I'm reasonably sure (don't remember the contract off the top of my head) that we can add people after the deadline, but we can't reduce the count. If you can add in one or both of these folks the day before the wedding, that'll take some of the stress off.

2) If you can't change your headcount at the last minute, or if it's more like ... they won't know until the day of the wedding, then they really need to make a decision. @HisGirlFriday13 hit the nail on the freakin' head: RSVPs aren't negotiable.

No-shows do happen--maybe you wake up with a stomach bug, or your babysitter cancels at the last minute, or you're snowed into your driveway. But these guests seem to KNOW they might not be able to make it; they should either commit and show up, or they should apologize and decline. They are not required to attend the wedding--your wedding isn't an obligation.

I'd be more upset if people waffled back and forth on the RSVP than I would be if they just said, "I'm so sorry, we won't be able to make it." It's nice that they clearly want to be at the wedding, but it's sounds like it's just way too difficult to accommodate them.

harper0813 · October 2013

Maggie0829 said:
I would respond with "We need to know a definitive answer by X".

It is rude of them to want you to pay for them even though they have no idea if they will or will not be able to make it.

I agree with this. I think that you are fine to give them a deadline and inform them that it they can't provide a definite answer by that deadline, that you will have to put them down as a no.

You should not have to shell out extra cash for guests who don't have the decency to give a firm answer. I don't enable rudeness like that.

allispain · October 2013

I had 2 guests do this - one of my friends that I had invited along with her SO as well as one of my BMs. They both called and asked about the situation, explaining that they were unsure if their SO's would be able to attend. I told them that I needed a firm yes or no on the SO by X date (the date our caterer needed to have the final headcount) so they could hold off on making that call until then. Luckily, both SOs were indeed able to make it, and they both let me know before the extended deadline.

Honestly, even if they had still not been able to give a firm yes or no at that point, I still would have included the SOs in the headcount. To me, it's important to have the space available for them in the hopes that they can attend. That's just a personal preference, however.

lauralee1723 · October 2013

Maggie0829 said:

I would respond with "We need to know a definitive answer by X".

It is rude of them to want you to pay for them even though they have no idea if they will or will not be able to make it.

I honest to god think that people just don't THINK about how expensive weddings are. When one of FI's friends found out we were having a small wedding due to space constraints, she said, "just have it in a bigger venue!" like we hadn't already thought of that and like that wouldn't cost more money (depending on the venue). Same goes for food. People don't think of it as costing more money, or that you are paying for a meal for them, they just think of it as "a wedding" and that it's not a big deal. Since people don't generally think of it that way, I doubt they're telling you it's a maybe while thinking that you're going to have to pay for them. They probably just aren't even thinking about the money aspect of it.

ETA: I'm not saying it's not rude, it is, I'm just saying they're probably not intentionally trying to make you pay for them while not knowing for sure that they'll be there.

JellyBean52513 · October 2013

Based on the message, it sounds to me like she can't decide if she wants to go to your wedding by herself and wants to buy some extra time to convince "him" to go. Maybe that's not the case, but if you suspect it might be, you could respond with something like "I need to give my final head count soon, so let me know for sure by XX. If you're going to be coming alone, I'll definitely make sure to seat you with (mutual friends/someone she might know/insert something reassuring here)"

ootmother2 · October 2013

We got one "maybe" reply and it was from an elderly couple with some iffy heallth problems. The wife, my late mother's best friend promised to let us know in time for the final head count and she did.

But then, she had raised four daughters

ei34 · October 2013

That's ridiculous. I wouldn't make this guest respond within the next 24 hours lol, but I would give her a deadline -maybe one week from now if you can cut it that close? - and say "I need a definite yes or no from both of you at this time".

Guests like that person are the worst! Best of luck, and congrats in advance on your wedding!

ElcaB · October 2013

I get annoyed at the "maybe" game. You're adults. Make a decision. I understand sometimes, there are circumstance's beyond anyone's control, but if you're that unsure you should just decline and too-bad for you. Having you pay when there's a chance they'll attend is pretty crabbed.

cowgirl8238 · October 2013

I agree with many of the pp's and give them a cut-off date when your contract states you absolutely cannot change the head count. If you are allowed to add but not subtract then count them as a no until they answer. I find "maybe's" are quite rude, and I hope I don't get any but some people just don't get it I suppose.

NerdyLucy · October 2013

OP, I feel your pain.

Half of my guest list has responded similarly, if they've responded at all.

We've been chasing down people every night this week to pin them down with an answer.

Our wedding is small, the guest list is pretty much family only, so all the people who DIDN'T send back their RSVP cards said, "Well, we figured you knew we were coming! That's why we didn't bother sending the card. You know we wouldn't miss it."

Uh, then why would have stamped every return envelope? How on earth do you expect us to plan the seating and dinner?

RebeccaB88 · October 2013

I think too much of the time, people wait until the last minute in case they find something better to do that night than go to your wedding. That's not only rude, it's hurtful. I totally understand work schedules, chronic illness, child care, and emergencies, but to be told 'oh, I don't know what I'm doing that night yet' or 'I don't know if I'll feel like going' is ridiculous. Adults can make plans and respect the people they make the plans with enough to stick with them. Saying you don't know what you're doing that night yet is telling someone that they don't really care about it, but might if the only other option is to stay home alone.

melodydurham · October 2013

Thanks for all the love and great advice. I gave her a firm date to let me know. I understand there will be no-shows. At this point, with 16 days to go, if you don't know I get the feeling my event isn't a priority to you (which I understand as well.) You all understand!

TheBaysideBride · October 2013

give a lower count to the venue if you have to, esp because someone else will liekly no-show and caterers don't buy precisely 62 steaks, etc. Better that they tack the extra meals to your bill than you have to pay for food that's not eaten.

When someone RSVPs with a maybe

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