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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Gave a gift, now wedding is canceled...
Ok, I don't really know how to explain this, so please just bear with me.
One of my co-workers has a 19-year-old daughter who was engaged to a guy in the military and had a wedding planned for last September. Last July, they decided to get married in a quickie ceremony, but still kept the wedding planned for September. The wedding was then postponed until this May because he couldn't get leave. My mom and I were invited to her bridal shower last October, but we couldn't go so we sent her a gift. I just talked to my co-worker because it is getting close and I hadn't received an invitation yet, and she said that the wedding has been postponed indefinitely because, again, he can't get leave. So, what's the protocol for the gifts that she received? I feel like I got ripped off. Not that I'm going to say anything to the woman, but I just want everyone's opinion.
One of my co-workers has a 19-year-old daughter who was engaged to a guy in the military and had a wedding planned for last September. Last July, they decided to get married in a quickie ceremony, but still kept the wedding planned for September. The wedding was then postponed until this May because he couldn't get leave. My mom and I were invited to her bridal shower last October, but we couldn't go so we sent her a gift. I just talked to my co-worker because it is getting close and I hadn't received an invitation yet, and she said that the wedding has been postponed indefinitely because, again, he can't get leave. So, what's the protocol for the gifts that she received? I feel like I got ripped off. Not that I'm going to say anything to the woman, but I just want everyone's opinion.
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Re: Gave a gift, now wedding is canceled...
Did she send you a thank you note? I can see being miffed about that.
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[QUOTE]The quickie ceremony was the legal part with only their families. The renewal ceremony, which they were still advertising as a wedding, is what was postponed. But we gave the gift as a shower gift (which was 4 months after she was legally married), and were planning on giving another gift at the "wedding". And my co-worker told me that there never will be a wedding, even in the future.
Posted by DancinPrinzess[/QUOTE]
It just seems a little "tit for tat". I'm sure they'd much rather be having their renewal, then him being on leave, they probably didn't go into all of this saying "we're going to have a shower but never have a wedding day". I don't think you should be faulting them for that, or feeling ripped off.
[QUOTE]Ok, I don't really know how to explain this, so please just bear with me. One of my co-workers has a 19-year-old daughter who was engaged to a guy in the military and had a wedding planned for last September. Last July, they decided to get married in a quickie ceremony, but still kept the wedding planned for September. The wedding was then postponed until this May because he couldn't get leave. My mom and I were invited to her bridal shower last October, but we couldn't go so we sent her a gift. I just talked to my co-worker because it is getting close and I hadn't received an invitation yet, and she said that the wedding has been postponed indefinitely because, again, he can't get leave. So, what's the protocol for the gifts that she received? I feel like I got ripped off. Not that I'm going to say anything to the woman, but I just want everyone's opinion.
Posted by DancinPrinzess[/QUOTE]
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They never announced that they were legally married. They just went on planning the wedding like they weren't married. I feel like she never would have told me if I hadn't asked the woman why she missed a week of work.
[QUOTE]No TY note. Maybe that's why I feel annoyed... the whole thing has felt gift grabby to me.
Posted by DancinPrinzess[/QUOTE]
This part makes sense. I'd be very annoyed. TY notes take little effort to show great appreciation.
Since they are already married, the wedding can't be canceled. The gift doesn't need to be returned. You should have gotten a thank you card, that is just poor etiquette.
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I'd count that as the wedding gift and call it a day.
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[QUOTE]So she had a shower after she was already married. Hmm. I'd count that as the wedding gift and call it a day.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]
Good advice. I hadn't thought about it this way. I gave the gift thinking that it was a shower gift and intending to give another gift at the wedding, but the gift is still a gift no matter what I intended it to be. I guess it all works out in the end.
[QUOTE]Postponed indefinitely = not happening, ever
Posted by DancinPrinzess[/QUOTE]
<div>Nope, postponed indefinitely = something they still want to do but have no date for. Not happening, ever = cancelled.</div><div>
</div><div>And, it really doesn't matter. You gave a gift for a marriage that had already occurred. </div>
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If you sent a gift just because you thought you were going to "get something" out of it, then maybe you didn't deserve a thank you note! I'm sure that sounds harsher in print than it would by voice, so take it for what it is - an opinion on something you gave us minimal details on.
I'd just let it go, honestly. You gave a young girl a present that she can enjoy while her new husband is off serving in the military. There are far worse things.
[QUOTE]It's not that I expected something in return, I just wasn't sure how this situation would work in terms of etiquette saying that gifts are to be returned if a wedding is called off. That's why I asked... because there is a difference between the marriage and the wedding, and I was misunderstanding the rule.
Posted by DancinPrinzess[/QUOTE]
Wait, you though she should return the gift because the renewal was postponed, even though they are married? That seems petty. So, because you didn't get to go to a party, they should return your gift?
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[QUOTE]I think we are using the word "petty" a little too liberaly, here. This is such a confusing situation, as many people have already mentioned, and the orriginal poster just wanted to know what the protocoll was. She is asking whether or not her frustrations were justified, which is a hard thing to do in the first place - it's like asking "am I wrong?" Many people here are saying "yes, and also you're a horribly petty person," which is definately not the vibe I'm getting - the confusion makes sense, and I would be confused too. She just wants to know what to expect, which is not to get the present returned since the couple is in fact married. Cool. Good to know. Confusion =/= pettiness by any definition of the word, so I don't know what dicktionaries you all are using.
Posted by Stallmanj1[/QUOTE]
Thank you :)
No, I don't expect the gift back. I was just confused by the ettiquete. The gift was sent because we were invited to her shower and we couldn't attend. The shower was 4 months after they were married, which I think is tacky in the first place. It's fine, I'm over it. The shower gift is now a wedding gift, which actually saves me some money.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gave a gift, now wedding is canceled... : Wait, you though she should return the gift because the renewal was postponed, even though they are married? That seems petty. So, because you didn't get to go to a party, they should return your gift?
Posted by luckyme502[/QUOTE]
I'm saying that the rule states that the gifts are to be returned if the wedding is canceled. What it means is the gifts are to be returned if the MARRIAGE is canceled. There is a difference between the wedding and the marriage, and the rule wasn't clear to me. It's clear now and I am fine with the outcome.