More Kid Problems

PennyMMH · October 2013

A couple of months ago, my sister announced that she is pregnant. I have no problem letting her newborn child come to my wedding (her other 2 children are members of the bridal party). Now, 2 of my cousins' wife (one of whom I refuse to even invite to my wedding) have also announced their pregnancies. How do allow my sister's newborn to be a guest at my wedding, but tell my cousins that their newborns are not welcome? One of my cousins already has 3 kids (who are NOT invited to my wedding, along with their aforementioned mother) that are total brats (hence why they are not invited). I have no idea how to handle this situation. I'm ready to start pulling my hair out. Help!

tigersgirlgv · October 2013

Not sure I understood correctly, but are you inviting one of your cousins but not his wife? It would be against etiquette to not invite both parts of a married couple.

Also, if the mother isn't invited, I can't imagine that she would stay home, uninvited, and send the father with the newborn...

Liatris2010 · October 2013

Couples are a social unit, they must be invited together. If your cousin is invited, so is his wife.

As for the cousin's infants, you are being petty. A baby is a baby. Newborns haven't been around long enough for their parents to spoil them into little monsters. So tell the cousins the infants are okay, but not the other kids, and call it good.

There is no polite way to make an exception for one infant, but not the the other two.

grumbledore · October 2013

Liatris2010 said:

Couples are a social unit, they must be invited together. If your cousin is invited, so is his wife.

As for the cousin's infants, you are being petty. A baby is a baby. Newborns haven't been around long enough for their parents to spoil them into little monsters. So tell the cousins the infants are okay, but not the other kids, and call it good.

There is no polite way to make an exception for one infant, but not the the other two.

I agree with all of this. I don't know when your wedding is, OP, but if these babies will truly be newborns when the date rolls around, it is unlikely that their parents will be willing to leave them home.

doeydo · October 2013

Lobster1987 said:

You don't need to tell them that they are not welcome. Just put the adults' names on the invite. They will figure it out that their kids aren't invited. If they RSVP for all of their kids, call them and tell them that children can not be accommodated and that you hope that the parents can still come. If they buck it, too bad so sad...they can't come.
You are allowed to invite who you want, and people generally understand invitations to nieces and nephews.

This.

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

PennyMMH said:

A couple of months ago, my sister announced that she is pregnant. I have no problem letting her newborn child come to my wedding (her other 2 children are members of the bridal party). Now, 2 of my cousins' wife (one of whom I refuse to even invite to my wedding) have also announced their pregnancies. How do allow my sister's newborn to be a guest at my wedding, but tell my cousins that their newborns are not welcome? One of my cousins already has 3 kids (who are NOT invited to my wedding, along with their aforementioned mother) that are total brats (hence why they are not invited). I have no idea how to handle this situation. I'm ready to start pulling my hair out. Help!

Are you inviting a cousin without his wife? That is not a good thing, even if you don't like her, they are a social unit and need to be invited together.

banana468 · October 2013

Liatris2010 said:
Couples are a social unit, they must be invited together. If your cousin is invited, so is his wife.

As for the cousin's infants, you are being petty. A baby is a baby. Newborns haven't been around long enough for their parents to spoil them into little monsters. So tell the cousins the infants are okay, but not the other kids, and call it good.

There is no polite way to make an exception for one infant, but not the the other two.

Of course she can make the exception. It's more than OK to say that you're inviting the children of your siblings but not the children of anyone else.

There's no rule that days children are an all or nothing group.

grumbledore · October 2013

banana468 said:

Couples are a social unit, they must be invited together. If your cousin is invited, so is his wife.

As for the cousin's infants, you are being petty. A baby is a baby. Newborns haven't been around long enough for their parents to spoil them into little monsters. So tell the cousins the infants are okay, but not the other kids, and call it good.

There is no polite way to make an exception for one infant, but not the the other two.
Of course she can make the exception. It's more than OK to say that you're inviting the children of your siblings but not the children of anyone else. There's no rule that days children are an all or nothing group.

No, there isn't, but imo it's different with newborns. If you want the parents there, I think you make an exception for a newborn baby.

doeydo · October 2013

grumbledore said:

banana468 said:

Couples are a social unit, they must be invited together. If your cousin is invited, so is his wife.

As for the cousin's infants, you are being petty. A baby is a baby. Newborns haven't been around long enough for their parents to spoil them into little monsters. So tell the cousins the infants are okay, but not the other kids, and call it good.

There is no polite way to make an exception for one infant, but not the the other two.
Of course she can make the exception. It's more than OK to say that you're inviting the children of your siblings but not the children of anyone else. There's no rule that days children are an all or nothing group.

No, there isn't, but imo it's different with newborns. If you want the parents there, I think you make an exception for a newborn baby.

She has to invite the mother if she is inviting her husband/SO because he is the bride's cousin, but she does not have to invite any of their kids. It is the parents' choice to either stay home with the baby or find a sitter.

daria24 · October 2013

grumbledore said:

banana468 said:

Liatris2010 said:
Couples are a social unit, they must be invited together. If your cousin is invited, so is his wife.

As for the cousin's infants, you are being petty. A baby is a baby. Newborns haven't been around long enough for their parents to spoil them into little monsters. So tell the cousins the infants are okay, but not the other kids, and call it good.

There is no polite way to make an exception for one infant, but not the the other two.
Of course she can make the exception. It's more than OK to say that you're inviting the children of your siblings but not the children of anyone else.

There's no rule that days children are an all or nothing group.

No, there isn't, but imo it's different with newborns. If you want the parents there, I think you make an exception for a newborn baby.

But it's also rude to split families, ie to invite some children but not all.

I don't see OP's plan as "making an exception for one infant" but rather, OP is ONLY inviting her nieces/nephews, which is a very clear circle cut off.

banana468 · October 2013

You don't have to allow the newborn. If leaving the child is that much of an imposition then they can stay home too.

It's nice to make that exception but the OP is not required to do so and should not feel guilty.

mysticl · October 2013

grumbledore said:

banana468 said:

Couples are a social unit, they must be invited together. If your cousin is invited, so is his wife.

As for the cousin's infants, you are being petty. A baby is a baby. Newborns haven't been around long enough for their parents to spoil them into little monsters. So tell the cousins the infants are okay, but not the other kids, and call it good.

There is no polite way to make an exception for one infant, but not the the other two.
Of course she can make the exception. It's more than OK to say that you're inviting the children of your siblings but not the children of anyone else. There's no rule that days children are an all or nothing group.

No, there isn't, but imo it's different with newborns. If you want the parents there, I think you make an exception for a newborn baby.

I agree with inviting the newborns. A newborn eats at least every 2-3 hours, during the 6 week growth spurt my son ate every hour. A breastfeeding mother may not have enough pumped milk stored to leave a child that long, and even if she does have some saved up she may be planning on saving to use when she returns to work. Also, she would still have to pump on the baby's feeding schedule during the wedding/reception so now she's dealing with finding a place to pump, taking the time to pump and storing the milk so she can take it home to her baby. Regardless of formula or breastfeeding a mother of a newborn is most likely not going to want to leave her child to attend a wedding.

I would not attend a wedding that I could not bring my child to if I was still breastfeeding. If it was a family wedding I would be hurt that my family did not acknowledge my child's needs to be with me so that he can eat and it would negatively impact my relationship with that relative.

crunchymamaof2 · October 2013

PennyMMH said:

A couple of months ago, my sister announced that she is pregnant. I have no problem letting her newborn child come to my wedding (her other 2 children are members of the bridal party). Now, 2 of my cousins' wife (one of whom I refuse to even invite to my wedding) have also announced their pregnancies. How do allow my sister's newborn to be a guest at my wedding, but tell my cousins that their newborns are not welcome? One of my cousins already has 3 kids (who are NOT invited to my wedding, along with their aforementioned mother) that are total brats (hence why they are not invited). I have no idea how to handle this situation. I'm ready to start pulling my hair out. Help!

If I understood this correctly, this is a very rude thing to do. A couple, especially a married couple, is a social unit and needs to be invited to an event together. As a social unit.

I personally feel newborns should be an exception to the "no kids" rule. But me feeling that way doesn't mean it's an etiquette violation not to. Kids are just like adults and you can choose to invite who you'd like. However, splitting up families is not okay no making an exception for the other newborn but not their 3 siblings wouldn't be okay.

The solution to your situation is a very simple one. Do not include any of your cousins' children on the invitations. If they RSVP with their children you then call and say "I'm so sorry for the confusion but the invite was only for you and your husband. We hope we still see you at the wedding!" Easy peasy.

mysticl said:

grumbledore said:

banana468 said:

Couples are a social unit, they must be invited together. If your cousin is invited, so is his wife.

As for the cousin's infants, you are being petty. A baby is a baby. Newborns haven't been around long enough for their parents to spoil them into little monsters. So tell the cousins the infants are okay, but not the other kids, and call it good.

There is no polite way to make an exception for one infant, but not the the other two.
Of course she can make the exception. It's more than OK to say that you're inviting the children of your siblings but not the children of anyone else. There's no rule that days children are an all or nothing group.

No, there isn't, but imo it's different with newborns. If you want the parents there, I think you make an exception for a newborn baby.

I agree with inviting the newborns. A newborn eats at least every 2-3 hours, during the 6 week growth spurt my son ate every hour. A breastfeeding mother may not have enough pumped milk stored to leave a child that long, and even if she does have some saved up she may be planning on saving to use when she returns to work. Also, she would still have to pump on the baby's feeding schedule during the wedding/reception so now she's dealing with finding a place to pump, taking the time to pump and storing the milk so she can take it home to her baby. Regardless of formula or breastfeeding a mother of a newborn is most likely not going to want to leave her child to attend a wedding.

I would not attend a wedding that I could not bring my child to if I was still breastfeeding. If it was a family wedding I would be hurt that my family did not acknowledge my child's needs to be with me so that he can eat and it would negatively impact my relationship with that relative.

The first bolded sentence is a big generalization.

I'm a huge breastfeeding advocate. I'm still nursing my 13 month old and exclusively pumped for 8 long months for my older son. I wouldn't dream of not including a newborn on an invitation. But I would definitely not be upset if I was invited without my child. I probably wouldn't attend but I wouldn't hold it against the person. I think if you let that hurt your relationship with a friend or family member you're overreacting a bit. No invitation does not = not acknowledging your baby's needs. If you had a special needs child must they be invited to? No. A couple can choose to invite whoever they want. If your baby isn't on that list simply decline and wish them the best. Don't hold it against them.

banana468 · October 2013

Sorry but an invitation doesn't need to take your infant's needs into consideration. YOU need to take them into consideration when deciding to accept or decline. Holding a grudge is a foolish choice.

grumbledore · October 2013

daria24 said:

banana468 said:

Couples are a social unit, they must be invited together. If your cousin is invited, so is his wife.

As for the cousin's infants, you are being petty. A baby is a baby. Newborns haven't been around long enough for their parents to spoil them into little monsters. So tell the cousins the infants are okay, but not the other kids, and call it good.

There is no polite way to make an exception for one infant, but not the the other two.
Of course she can make the exception. It's more than OK to say that you're inviting the children of your siblings but not the children of anyone else. There's no rule that days children are an all or nothing group.

No, there isn't, but imo it's different with newborns. If you want the parents there, I think you make an exception for a newborn baby.
But it's also rude to split families, ie to invite some children but not all. I don't see OP's plan as "making an exception for one infant" but rather, OP is ONLY inviting her nieces/nephews, which is a very clear circle cut off.

I disagree. A clear cutoff is fine, and newborns are, imo, an exception that I think is reasonable and not rude. Any parent that can't make the distinction between their 5 year old and a 5 week old is just being obnoxious.

(ETA: It's not an etiquette break to not invite the newborns and OP shouldn't feel guilty, I just think it's uncool and if I wanted the parent to be there, I would allow them to bring the newborn.)

CrazyCatLady3 · October 2013

mysticl said:

grumbledore said:

banana468 said:

Couples are a social unit, they must be invited together. If your cousin is invited, so is his wife.

As for the cousin's infants, you are being petty. A baby is a baby. Newborns haven't been around long enough for their parents to spoil them into little monsters. So tell the cousins the infants are okay, but not the other kids, and call it good.

There is no polite way to make an exception for one infant, but not the the other two.
Of course she can make the exception. It's more than OK to say that you're inviting the children of your siblings but not the children of anyone else. There's no rule that days children are an all or nothing group.

No, there isn't, but imo it's different with newborns. If you want the parents there, I think you make an exception for a newborn baby.

I agree with inviting the newborns. A newborn eats at least every 2-3 hours, during the 6 week growth spurt my son ate every hour. A breastfeeding mother may not have enough pumped milk stored to leave a child that long, and even if she does have some saved up she may be planning on saving to use when she returns to work. Also, she would still have to pump on the baby's feeding schedule during the wedding/reception so now she's dealing with finding a place to pump, taking the time to pump and storing the milk so she can take it home to her baby. Regardless of formula or breastfeeding a mother of a newborn is most likely not going to want to leave her child to attend a wedding.

I would not attend a wedding that I could not bring my child to if I was still breastfeeding. If it was a family wedding I would be hurt that my family did not acknowledge my child's needs to be with me so that he can eat and it would negatively impact my relationship with that relative.

I am having my wedding at a small venue that is not child friendly. Several of our invitees will have newborns around the time of our wedding. The children will not be invited. If the parents wish to decline for this reason, that is their choice. But I would be annoyed if new parents expected me to plan my wedding around having an appropriate venue and space for everyone to bring their newborn.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

CrazyCatLady3 said:

mysticl said:

grumbledore said:

banana468 said:

Couples are a social unit, they must be invited together. If your cousin is invited, so is his wife.

As for the cousin's infants, you are being petty. A baby is a baby. Newborns haven't been around long enough for their parents to spoil them into little monsters. So tell the cousins the infants are okay, but not the other kids, and call it good.

There is no polite way to make an exception for one infant, but not the the other two.
Of course she can make the exception. It's more than OK to say that you're inviting the children of your siblings but not the children of anyone else. There's no rule that days children are an all or nothing group.

No, there isn't, but imo it's different with newborns. If you want the parents there, I think you make an exception for a newborn baby.

I agree with inviting the newborns. A newborn eats at least every 2-3 hours, during the 6 week growth spurt my son ate every hour. A breastfeeding mother may not have enough pumped milk stored to leave a child that long, and even if she does have some saved up she may be planning on saving to use when she returns to work. Also, she would still have to pump on the baby's feeding schedule during the wedding/reception so now she's dealing with finding a place to pump, taking the time to pump and storing the milk so she can take it home to her baby. Regardless of formula or breastfeeding a mother of a newborn is most likely not going to want to leave her child to attend a wedding.

I would not attend a wedding that I could not bring my child to if I was still breastfeeding. If it was a family wedding I would be hurt that my family did not acknowledge my child's needs to be with me so that he can eat and it would negatively impact my relationship with that relative.

I am having my wedding at a small venue that is not child friendly. Several of our invitees will have newborns around the time of our wedding. The children will not be invited. If the parents wish to decline for this reason, that is their choice. But I would be annoyed if new parents expected me to plan my wedding around having an appropriate venue and space for everyone to bring their newborn.

Exactly this. Guests cannot expect that B&Gs will plan weddings around their pregnancies and/or children. If they cannot/do not want to accommodate children, they don't have to.

It is within etiquette to not invite children to weddings. If children are not invited and the parent feels they cannot attend without their child then they decline the invitation. Period. It's part of being a parent.

It's perfectly within etiquette for OP to invite her sister's newborn and not someone else's. We tell people all the time that if they want to invite their niece, it doesn't mean they HAVE to invite all their cousins' kids. I understand the child is a newborn, but I do not agree that this means the rules change. Certainly it'd be nice to accommodate her cousin's baby, but she's within her right not to.

mysticl · October 2013

Ok, I got stuck in a box. Honestly, I don't think there should be an exception for newborns. This is because I think that if you invite family to your wedding that means you invite family and the children of family are your family and therefore should be invited making exceptions unnecessary. That includes special needs children. It is then up to the parent of the child to determine if the child can handle the event. Everyone goes on and on about how rude it is to break up a social unit and you have to invite a person's significant other (which I agree with). So how is it rude to not invite a boyfriend or girlfriend but perfectly acceptable to exclude someone's child? I get this isn't a popular opinion and a bunch of you are going to jump all over me but it's my opinion.

banana468 · October 2013

A child is part of your household and not your social unit.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

mysticl said:

Ok, I got stuck in a box. Honestly, I don't think there should be an exception for newborns. This is because I think that if you invite family to your wedding that means you invite family and the children of family are your family and therefore should be invited making exceptions unnecessary. That includes special needs children. It is then up to the parent of the child to determine if the child can handle the event. Everyone goes on and on about how rude it is to break up a social unit and you have to invite a person's significant other (which I agree with). So how is it rude to not invite a boyfriend or girlfriend but perfectly acceptable to exclude someone's child? I get this isn't a popular opinion and a bunch of you are going to jump all over me but it's my opinion.

Because a couple -- two consenting adults -- are a socially recognised social unit. A child is not part of his parents' social unit. He is his own social unit. Do his parents get invited to his little friends' birthday parties? No. He goes by himself.

It is perfectly acceptable to invite only some children and not all children as long as you don't break up families -- I.e, you can't invite the 14-year-old you do like and not the 16-year-old you don't like.

I agree that newborns are the exception to this rule; it is acceptable to invite a newborn but not his older siblings, because a newborn doesn't count toward the head count of the reception (not eating or drinking on the hosts' dime), whereas older children would need to be fed (either kids' meals or whatever). It is also acceptable to invite in circles -- nieces/nephews but not cousins' kids, or family kids only but not other kids.

People may not like it and they may decline because of it, but your decision to procreate does not affect my ability to hold the wedding I want, which might not include kids.

(FTR, my wedding is kid-friendly; my 2-year-old nephew, FI's 8-year-old nephew, my cousin's 6- and 4- year old children, my college BFF's two-month-old daughter and my friends' four-month-old son all will be in attendance.)

Liatris2010 · October 2013

daria24 said:

banana468 said:

Couples are a social unit, they must be invited together. If your cousin is invited, so is his wife.

As for the cousin's infants, you are being petty. A baby is a baby. Newborns haven't been around long enough for their parents to spoil them into little monsters. So tell the cousins the infants are okay, but not the other kids, and call it good.

There is no polite way to make an exception for one infant, but not the the other two.
Of course she can make the exception. It's more than OK to say that you're inviting the children of your siblings but not the children of anyone else. There's no rule that days children are an all or nothing group.

No, there isn't, but imo it's different with newborns. If you want the parents there, I think you make an exception for a newborn baby.
But it's also rude to split families, ie to invite some children but not all. I don't see OP's plan as "making an exception for one infant" but rather, OP is ONLY inviting her nieces/nephews, which is a very clear circle cut off.

If this is the case, then I think it is fine to invite the one baby.

But from the OP I got the feeling that since she didn't like her cousin's wife or their kids, so she was excluding their baby as a way to make them less likely to attend. If it was simply a matter of inviting in circles she would have said something about having a zillion second cousins, so having to cut it off a nieces and nephews, instead of complaining about the wife and kids of the cousin.

mysticl · October 2013

banana468 said:

A child is part of your household and not your social unit.

Yes, they are part of my family. So for a family wedding where I am being invited because I am family they should also be invited because they are family. That is my point.

My view on a friend's wedding would be different though I still may not attend due to child care issues.

mysticl · October 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Ok, I got stuck in a box. Honestly, I don't think there should be an exception for newborns. This is because I think that if you invite family to your wedding that means you invite family and the children of family are your family and therefore should be invited making exceptions unnecessary. That includes special needs children. It is then up to the parent of the child to determine if the child can handle the event. Everyone goes on and on about how rude it is to break up a social unit and you have to invite a person's significant other (which I agree with). So how is it rude to not invite a boyfriend or girlfriend but perfectly acceptable to exclude someone's child? I get this isn't a popular opinion and a bunch of you are going to jump all over me but it's my opinion.
Because a couple -- two consenting adults -- are a socially recognised social unit. A child is not part of his parents' social unit. He is his own social unit. Do his parents get invited to his little friends' birthday parties? No. He goes by himself. It is perfectly acceptable to invite only some children and not all children as long as you don't break up families -- I.e, you can't invite the 14-year-old you do like and not the 16-year-old you don't like. I agree that newborns are the exception to this rule; it is acceptable to invite a newborn but not his older siblings, because a newborn doesn't count toward the head count of the reception (not eating or drinking on the hosts' dime), whereas older children would need to be fed (either kids' meals or whatever). It is also acceptable to invite in circles -- nieces/nephews but not cousins' kids, or family kids only but not other kids. People may not like it and they may decline because of it, but your decision to procreate does not affect my ability to hold the wedding I want, which might not include kids. (FTR, my wedding is kid-friendly; my 2-year-old nephew, FI's 8-year-old nephew, my cousin's 6- and 4- year old children, my college BFF's two-month-old daughter and my friends' four-month-old son all will be in attendance.)

I'm talking specifically about the weddings of family members. Not little kids birthday parties, not work events, not even the weddings of friends.

grumbledore · October 2013

I don't expect my child to be invited anywhere to be honest, but I also wouldn't dream of excluding children at our wedding. Every couple is of course free to do as they wish, but I want the people I love there, including kids.

*shrug*

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

mysticl said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Ok, I got stuck in a box. Honestly, I don't think there should be an exception for newborns. This is because I think that if you invite family to your wedding that means you invite family and the children of family are your family and therefore should be invited making exceptions unnecessary. That includes special needs children. It is then up to the parent of the child to determine if the child can handle the event. Everyone goes on and on about how rude it is to break up a social unit and you have to invite a person's significant other (which I agree with). So how is it rude to not invite a boyfriend or girlfriend but perfectly acceptable to exclude someone's child? I get this isn't a popular opinion and a bunch of you are going to jump all over me but it's my opinion.

Because a couple -- two consenting adults -- are a socially recognised social unit. A child is not part of his parents' social unit. He is his own social unit. Do his parents get invited to his little friends' birthday parties? No. He goes by himself.

It is perfectly acceptable to invite only some children and not all children as long as you don't break up families -- I.e, you can't invite the 14-year-old you do like and not the 16-year-old you don't like.

I agree that newborns are the exception to this rule; it is acceptable to invite a newborn but not his older siblings, because a newborn doesn't count toward the head count of the reception (not eating or drinking on the hosts' dime), whereas older children would need to be fed (either kids' meals or whatever). It is also acceptable to invite in circles -- nieces/nephews but not cousins' kids, or family kids only but not other kids.

People may not like it and they may decline because of it, but your decision to procreate does not affect my ability to hold the wedding I want, which might not include kids.

(FTR, my wedding is kid-friendly; my 2-year-old nephew, FI's 8-year-old nephew, my cousin's 6- and 4- year old children, my college BFF's two-month-old daughter and my friends' four-month-old son all will be in attendance.)

I'm talking specifically about the weddings of family members. Not little kids birthday parties, not work events, not even the weddings of friends.

I understand that. That still doesn't make a parent/child combination a social unit. It makes them family, yes, but not a social unit.

You are free to disagree with us; if you read my post carefully, you'll see I DID invite ALL children in my and FI's families. But that was our CHOICE. We would have been within our rights not to.

I know that if we hadn't invited my cousin's children, my mother, my aunt (mom's sister), my cousin, his wife, his sister and my uncle all would have been offended. It wasn't even ever a consideration NOT to invite them; they're family, of course they're invited.

But I don't think everyone has to make the choice I made. Weddings are social events. It's acceptable to invite social units but not whole families.

Also, just because people are family, if they have bratty kids, it's fair to not want bratty kids at a wedding.

Now, the OP's desire to invite a cousin and not his wife is, without further extenuating information, on the face of it wrong and rude. I'll grant you that.

PennyMMH · October 2013

I probably should have clarified better. I'm having a small wedding. I am only inviting so many people. I've already had to cut people that I actually WANT at my wedding. The wife I'm not inviting, is separated from my cousin. He still uses her as a booty call. She only got pregnant, because my sister and other cousin did, and she doesn't like everybody else getting the attention she feels she deserves. She'd probably show up wearing white. I may sound like I'm being petty or all bridezilla-ish, but I only get 1 wedding day and I don't feel I should have to worry about screaming babies during the ceremony, little brats putting their fingers in the icing of the cake or somebody else whining because she's not the center of attention.

banana468 · October 2013

mysticl said:

banana468 said:

A child is part of your household and not your social unit.

Yes, they are part of my family. So for a family wedding where I am being invited because I am family they should also be invited because they are family. That is my point.

My view on a friend's wedding would be different though I still may not attend due to child care issues.

But you fail to make it. By your definition all your family should be invited to a family wedding. It doesn't work that way.

This is an etiquette board and not one discussing how you (the general you and not you in particular) feel. It is not rude to invite just your siblings' children nor is it rude to tell mothers that their breastfeeding infants are not welcome.

In fact, what IS rude is the concept that your ability to procreate must be recognized and welcomed by your entire family.

manateehugger · October 2013

PennyMMH said:

I probably should have clarified better. I'm having a small wedding. I am only inviting so many people. I've already had to cut people that I actually WANT at my wedding. The wife I'm not inviting, is separated from my cousin. He still uses her as a booty call. She only got pregnant, because my sister and other cousin did, and she doesn't like everybody else getting the attention she feels she deserves. She'd probably show up wearing white. I may sound like I'm being petty or all bridezilla-ish, but I only get 1 wedding day and I don't feel I should have to worry about

If this stuff happens, it's a parent/adult problem, not a kid problem. Kids with decent parents typically behave pretty well. Or if they don't, they are removed from the situation.

APDSS22 · October 2013

If they are separated I do believe different rules apply. They are currently not operating as a social unit so I believe it would be ok to not invite the wife but still invite the cousin.

If you are excluding children, I recommend no cousins' kids but feel free to still invite nieces and nephews. That's called inviting in circles and it makes people less angry. Do not use "and family" on your invites but list by name those invited. If someone RSVPs for more than they are allotted ( a couple RSVPing for their children for example) call them and explain only Bob and Jane Smith were invited.

PennyMMH · October 2013

I understand that it's not all about me. And I can deal with people like an adult. But why should any of my other guests have to put up with it either? Should my grandmother have to worry about ushering out a crying baby? Should my mother have to worry about making sure nobody sticks their fingers in the cake? I don't feel they should. They should be able to have a good time just like the rest of us.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

mysticl said: Ok, I got stuck in a box. Honestly, I don't think there should be an exception for newborns. This is because I think that if you invite family to your wedding that means you invite family and the children of family are your family and therefore should be invited making exceptions unnecessary. That includes special needs children. It is then up to the parent of the child to determine if the child can handle the event. Everyone goes on and on about how rude it is to break up a social unit and you have to invite a person's significant other (which I agree with). So how is it rude to not invite a boyfriend or girlfriend but perfectly acceptable to exclude someone's child? I get this isn't a popular opinion and a bunch of you are going to jump all over me but it's my opinion.

It's more than OK to have that opinion - but from an etiquette standpoint (this is the etiquette board), children do not have to be invited to every single event that adults are invited to. This includes weddings. The point of this is that it is perfectly within etiquette to have a child-free wedding and/or to only invite certain children.

And it's perfectly within etiquette to politely decline an invitation to a wedding if your kids aren't invited and it's your opinion that they should have been.

I respect your opinion. However, the correct answer from an etiquette perspective is that it's fine to not invite children to a wedding.

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