How to Make Husband Understand

Teddy917 · October 2013

I might need to go in for therapy for some emotional issues that I'm having. My husband insists that he won't come with me. I told him all I expect is for him to wait in the waiting room since he doesn't want to "babysit" (his word) me by going in with me. He says that is what a parent would do and so he won't do that either. He has mental issues himself, and I try to support him in whatever way he asks me to. Am I wrong to ask for support in return? I even told him that I don't need him to come every time, just most of the time. He says he'll do it once in a while.
Extra info: Mental issues are taboo in my family. No support there. I've had bad experiences with counselers, psychologists (none of which I actually saw, these were ones I met through friends and others), even teachers of Pyschology; telling me that I'm a terrible person. These people knew me for like a second and yet they use their knowledge of the human psyche to judge me.

CLoGreenEyes · October 2013

I don't think you're being unreasonable to ask for his support. I wish there was less stigma associated with going to counseling, as it can be a very good tool when done with a counselor who is the right "fit." Since he seems to have his own apprehensions about it, I think your compromise of being physically there before and after the sessions is a good one, as long as he is willing to listen to you and support what you are discovering. Hopefully after some time it will be easier to revisit the idea of him going into the session with you sometimes.

Also, I just want to say that I commend you for giving counseling another try despite the bad experiences you've had before. I hope that this time you meet a counselor who is worth their salt and will actually be of some help.

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

I think you are right to ask your H for support. Can you explain that this is something you feel you need from him? Compare it to a time you gave him support. For a made up example, "H, I love and support you whenever you need it. Remember that time I gave up a night out with the girls so we could talk about x? This is what I need right now and I would appreciate the support of just being in the waiting room while I'm in speaking with the doctor."

WinstonsGirl · October 2013

I don't think it's unreasonable, but it's obviously hard for him. Could you try a different compromise?? Maybe he drops you off and picks you up at the office, but doesn't have to wait. That way, you get his support for being there for you when you'd see him, but he doesn't have the pressure of waiting around?? He could go grab a coffee down the street during the appointment but be back in time to meet you?? I know it's not what you originally had wanted/needed, but it might be a good start. I'm wondering if he feels that people (other patients) will judge him for being there, even though it's not him going to the appointment.

Teddy917 · October 2013

missax said:
You mentioned that he has some issues as well. Maybe he thinks you are trying to con him into going to therapy for himself and not just to support you?

He already willingly goes to counseling for himself. He just thinks I'm acting like a child who needs a parent to go with them.
I even tried pointing out that a decent counselor would recommend having a good support system and would encourage having someone come.

Teddy917 · October 2013

WinstonsGirl said:
I don't think it's unreasonable, but it's obviously hard for him. Could you try a different compromise?? Maybe he drops you off and picks you up at the office, but doesn't have to wait. That way, you get his support for being there for you when you'd see him, but he doesn't have the pressure of waiting around?? He could go grab a coffee down the street during the appointment but be back in time to meet you?? I know it's not what you originally had wanted/needed, but it might be a good start. I'm wondering if he feels that people (other patients) will judge him for being there, even though it's not him going to the appointment.

I tried that. But it will only be an hour and he sees no point in going there and coming back. He also still sees that as being a parent rather than a husband.

CLoGreenEyes · October 2013

What does he feel that a supportive husband would do in this situation? Maybe he has some other ideas that would be a reasonable compromise.

Teddy917 · October 2013

Amapola14 said:
What does he feel that a supportive husband would do in this situation? Maybe he has some other ideas that would be a reasonable compromise.

He thinks it is my trial and I should go through it on my own.

doeydo · October 2013

I'm sorry he is acting like this; he is not being understanding or supporting you at all. It doesn't matter what he thinks is necessary, if you are asking him to do it then obviously it is important to you.

BTW, I think it is great that you are going to try therapy again. It has helped/is helping me.

cruffino · October 2013

He said he would do it once in a while. Is that enough of a compromise? I think it's great that you recognized that you're dealing with emotional issues and are seeking counseling to address them.

I agree with your husband, however, that most of the time you should be going on your own, and he could come once in a while. If you'll be going once a week, maybe once in a while could mean once a month or maybe once every six weeks.

Is the issue him going back and forth with you or just that his reluctance to do that feels like your own family's lack of support?

Teddy917 · October 2013

cruffino said:
He said he would do it once in a while. Is that enough of a compromise? I think it's great that you recognized that you're dealing with emotional issues and are seeking counseling to address them.

I agree with your husband, however, that most of the time you should be going on your own, and he could come once in a while. If you'll be going once a week, maybe once in a while could mean once a month or maybe once every six weeks.

Is the issue him going back and forth with you or just that his reluctance to do that feels like your own family's lack of support?

The issue is his "once in a while" will end up being never. Every time that he says he'll do something "once in a while" he'll go once and then never again. He'll claim that "I went a two months (or however long ago) that's once in a while." And I try getting on the same page with him on what "once in a while" I could compromise. Or he'll claim that he went last week or whatever when he and I both know he didn't.

Teddy917 · October 2013

And it's not like I'm asking him to do anything other than what he'd be doing if he weren't in the waiting room. He doesn't have a job so he would be doing stuff on his laptop, which I told him he could bring. So it's not like he's even sacrificing anything that he would rather be doing.

nsweare · October 2013

Question, and I don't want to come off unsupportive, but do you have a habit of expecting others to help you through difficult, and not so difficult, situations? Do you rely on others often? Is there a confidence issue at play? Maybe your husband is trying to get you to stand on your own 2 feet? Do you have a somewhat parent-child relationship.

I could be completely off base, but am trying to play devil's advocate. If the above is completely inaccurate, then maybe the issue is that because of your unsupportive family environment, you've gravitated to someone who is also emotionally unsupportive.

Anyway, that's my completely uneducated thoughts on the subject. I hope everything works out!

ranzzo · October 2013

Is there a reason you need him to come along? Do you not drive? Do you share a car? I don't understand why he needs to sit in the waiting room while you are in there. My H sees a psychiatrist for anxiety issues. I have never gone to an appointment with him. We do talk about how the appointments are going. I'm sorry but I don't see how him driving you there and waiting in the waiting room is necessary if you can get yourself there. I'm just trying to understand what exactly you are asking of him.

Teddy917 · October 2013

nsweare said:
Question, and I don't want to come off unsupportive, but do you have a habit of expecting others to help you through difficult, and not so difficult, situations? Do you rely on others often? Is there a confidence issue at play? Maybe your husband is trying to get you to stand on your own 2 feet? Do you have a somewhat parent-child relationship.

I could be completely off base, but am trying to play devil's advocate. If the above is completely inaccurate, then maybe the issue is that because of your unsupportive family environment, you've gravitated to someone who is also emotionally unsupportive.

Anyway, that's my completely uneducated thoughts on the subject. I hope everything works out!

I've always stood on my own two feet. It's not a parent/child type relationship.

Teddy917 · October 2013

ranzzo said:
Is there a reason you need him to come along? Do you not drive? Do you share a car? I don't understand why he needs to sit in the waiting room while you are in there. My H sees a psychiatrist for anxiety issues. I have never gone to an appointment with him. We do talk about how the appointments are going. I'm sorry but I don't see how him driving you there and waiting in the waiting room is necessary if you can get yourself there. I'm just trying to understand what exactly you are asking of him.

Neither of us can drive. A relative would be taking us most of the time. I would be fine even just discussing the appointments with him. But he's wanting me to go through it on my own. I've asked him if this is maybe putting too much stress on him and he says no and that he wants to support me. But I don't see how it's supportive if he won't even let me discuss it afterward.

He went through most of life more or less emotionally alone so maybe he doesn't see that I need support.

JaneAustensGhost · October 2013

He sounds like an awful husband. Is he supportive in other ways? Is he generous? Loving? ANYTHING to make up for the douchebaggery you're describing here? By the way, if you're wondering if it is too much to ask that he go with you, the answer is no.

ranzzo · October 2013

Teddy917 said:

Is there a reason you need him to come along? Do you not drive? Do you share a car? I don't understand why he needs to sit in the waiting room while you are in there. My H sees a psychiatrist for anxiety issues. I have never gone to an appointment with him. We do talk about how the appointments are going. I'm sorry but I don't see how him driving you there and waiting in the waiting room is necessary if you can get yourself there. I'm just trying to understand what exactly you are asking of him.
Neither of us can drive. A relative would be taking us most of the time. I would be fine even just discussing the appointments with him. But he's wanting me to go through it on my own. I've asked him if this is maybe putting too much stress on him and he says no and that he wants to support me. But I don't see how it's supportive if he won't even let me discuss it afterward. He went through most of life more or less emotionally alone so maybe he doesn't see that I need support.

Okay, I understand your frustration now. I have to echo @JaneAustensGhost and agree that your H is being a jerk. Not just a jerk, he sounds like a selfish jackass. If I were you, I would demand he not only discuss your individual therapy sessions but also attend couples counseling if he wants the marriage to succeed.

Teddy917 · October 2013

ranzzo said:

Teddy917 said:

ranzzo said:
Is there a reason you need him to come along? Do you not drive? Do you share a car? I don't understand why he needs to sit in the waiting room while you are in there. My H sees a psychiatrist for anxiety issues. I have never gone to an appointment with him. We do talk about how the appointments are going. I'm sorry but I don't see how him driving you there and waiting in the waiting room is necessary if you can get yourself there. I'm just trying to understand what exactly you are asking of him.
Neither of us can drive. A relative would be taking us most of the time. I would be fine even just discussing the appointments with him. But he's wanting me to go through it on my own. I've asked him if this is maybe putting too much stress on him and he says no and that he wants to support me. But I don't see how it's supportive if he won't even let me discuss it afterward.

He went through most of life more or less emotionally alone so maybe he doesn't see that I need support.

Okay, I understand your frustration now. I have to echo @JaneAustensGhost and agree that your H is being a jerk. Not just a jerk, he sounds like a selfish jackass. If I were you, I would demand he not only discuss your individual therapy sessions but also attend couples counseling if he wants the marriage to succeed.

We are going to be taking marriage counseling.

Jells2dot0 · October 2013

Not to sound like a Debbie Downer, but I needed to start counseling years ago, and part of it was to work through marital concerns. My H refused to go with me and support the cause in any way. Guess what? We're now divorced. It wasn't all because of the counseling, but he was just majorly unsupportive and selfish in general. I recommend having a real, serious, heart to heart with him. If he doesn't respond well, I recommend thinking long and hard about this.

Eta: spelling

Teddy917 · October 2013

JaneAustensGhost said:
He sounds like an awful husband. Is he supportive in other ways? Is he generous? Loving? ANYTHING to make up for the douchebaggery you're describing here? By the way, if you're wondering if it is too much to ask that he go with you, the answer is no.

He is a little supportive in other ways. Not as much as I'd like but I take the small victories. Like when he realizes what a jerk he's been, he usually tries to make it up to me. And he thinks that my job might be part of what's emotionally damaging me, so he told me if it ever became too much, to just quit and he would support my decision. Which is quite a change, he used to say that if I ever quit or was fired from my job (unless I got a better one) he would divorce me.

JaneAustensGhost · October 2013

Oh honey, no. That's not right. Look, if you're happy, that's great. But this doesn't sound like happiness to me. I mean, are you someone who doesn't need your partner to be supportive? I'm guessing no since you're asking for advice on TK. Then why is that need not being met? Why is it okay for him to be a jerk and then "make it up to you"? Why isn't he just NOT A JERK all the time? And that crack about divorcing you? That's emotional abuse. It's blackmail.

I just hate to see women trapped like this - and that is how you sound. Trapped.

Jells2dot0 · October 2013

JaneAustensGhost said:
Oh honey, no. That's not right. Look, if you're happy, that's great. But this doesn't sound like happiness to me. I mean, are you someone who doesn't need your partner to be supportive? I'm guessing no since you're asking for advice on TK. Then why is that need not being met? Why is it okay for him to be a jerk and then "make it up to you"? Why isn't he just NOT A JERK all the time? And that crack about divorcing you? That's emotional abuse. It's blackmail.

I just hate to see women trapped like this - and that is how you sound. Trapped.

This. I highly recommend going to counseling on your own and this behavior should be the first topic.

Teddy917 · October 2013

JaneAustensGhost said:
Oh honey, no. That's not right. Look, if you're happy, that's great. But this doesn't sound like happiness to me. I mean, are you someone who doesn't need your partner to be supportive? I'm guessing no since you're asking for advice on TK. Then why is that need not being met? Why is it okay for him to be a jerk and then "make it up to you"? Why isn't he just NOT A JERK all the time? And that crack about divorcing you? That's emotional abuse. It's blackmail.

I just hate to see women trapped like this - and that is how you sound. Trapped.

I only really need the support when it's something big. Therapy, for example, is definitely something I need support for. But usually I'm fine without a whole lot of support. I am happy but I'm used to not having support. I grew up in an environment where I didn't get support. He gives me more support than I'm used to, as surprising as that sounds.
Hopefully with the marriage therapy, we'll be able to come to a compromise.

climbingsingle · October 2013

Teddy917 said:

He sounds like an awful husband. Is he supportive in other ways? Is he generous? Loving? ANYTHING to make up for the douchebaggery you're describing here? By the way, if you're wondering if it is too much to ask that he go with you, the answer is no.
He is a little supportive in other ways. Not as much as I'd like but I take the small victories. Like when he realizes what a jerk he's been, he usually tries to make it up to me. And he thinks that my job might be part of what's emotionally damaging me, so he told me if it ever became too much, to just quit and he would support my decision. Which is quite a change, he used to say that if I ever quit or was fired from my job (unless I got a better one) he would divorce me.

Wait. What? Are you serious? I can't even comprehend this. You mentioned he doesn't work. Why?

jenniferurs · October 2013

Teddy917 said:

He sounds like an awful husband. Is he supportive in other ways? Is he generous? Loving? ANYTHING to make up for the douchebaggery you're describing here? By the way, if you're wondering if it is too much to ask that he go with you, the answer is no.
He is a little supportive in other ways. Not as much as I'd like but I take the small victories. Like when he realizes what a jerk he's been, he usually tries to make it up to me. And he thinks that my job might be part of what's emotionally damaging me, so he told me if it ever became too much, to just quit and he would support my decision. Which is quite a change, he used to say that if I ever quit or was fired from my job (unless I got a better one) he would divorce me.

What the...

OjitosVerdes · October 2013

Teddy917 said:

He sounds like an awful husband. Is he supportive in other ways? Is he generous? Loving? ANYTHING to make up for the douchebaggery you're describing here? By the way, if you're wondering if it is too much to ask that he go with you, the answer is no.
He is a little supportive in other ways. Not as much as I'd like but I take the small victories. Like when he realizes what a jerk he's been, he usually tries to make it up to me. And he thinks that my job might be part of what's emotionally damaging me, so he told me if it ever became too much, to just quit and he would support my decision. Which is quite a change, he used to say that if I ever quit or was fired from my job (unless I got a better one) he would divorce me.

Hon - I know there is no way we can understand the intricacies of your relationship from just a few posts, but what comes through in your writing is:

1. Your husband is an emotionally abusive, selfish asshole. Using divorce as blackmail? Never ok.

2. If he won't go to joint counseling, it's probably because he's afraid of what the counselor would say to him (which would most likely be something along the lines of what I've written in #1)

3. He blames the emotional damage he's doing to you on other factors - like your job.

If you were engaged, I'd tell you to run like hell in the other direction.

But you're in this. You are so wise to seek individual counseling. Get to the root of what's going on with you, and then insist on couples counseling. If he refuses, think long and hard about whether you want to be married to a man that holds you emotionally hostage for the rest of your life.

Edited for clarity.

Teddy917 · October 2013

@ClimbingBrideNY
He doesn't work because he is mentally disabled.

OjitosVerdes · October 2013

He is a little supportive in other ways. Not as much as I'd like but I take the small victories. Like when he realizes what a jerk he's been, he usually tries to make it up to me. And he thinks that my job might be part of what's emotionally damaging me, so he told me if it ever became too much, to just quit and he would support my decision. Which is quite a change, he used to say that if I ever quit or was fired from my job (unless I got a better one) he would divorce me.

And lastly - I'm sorry if my last post seemed harsh, but this is no way to live - being thankful for the small crumbs of emotional support that someone grudgingly doles out. Life is way too short, @Teddy917.

You mention that you have no family support - is it possible that your upbringing may have caused to to gravitate to a man who is equally unsupportive?

I wish you the best of luck in your individual counseling - for the time being, could a supportive girlfriend take you instead of a family member? Someone you could bounce things off of afterwards? However I agree with one of the APs that your husband's refusal to talk about your therapy sessions should be one of the FIRST things you talk about in therapy. {{{Hugs}}}

Edited for typos.

Teddy917 · October 2013

@OjitosVerdes
His SIL would be the one taking us and I'm really close to her.

OjitosVerdes · October 2013

Teddy917 said:

@ClimbingBrideNY He doesn't work because he is mentally disabled.

That's great that you have a source of family support that you can lean on.

The above changes things - this is more complicated than just "husband isn't supportive". Is his disability such that it might affect his interpersonal relationships?

It's great that he is in individual counseling. Do you know what issues he's dealing with in his own therapy? And I re-read that you'll be doing joint counseling - also great!

Hang in there Teddy - it sounds like you both have a lot on your plates. The truth is there isn't anything we can do to "make" another person understand our point of view or alter their behavior, and it sounds like your conversations about your counseling aren't productive and your husband has dug his heels in. Perhaps a neutral, third party, experienced couples counselor in a safe environment might be able to diffuse some tension surrounding the situation - and outside opinion might give your husband some additional perspective.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with counseling in the past - don't hesitate to shop around until you find someone you feel comfortable with.

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