Gift: paying for your plate

MrsLillyG · October 2013

Sort of thought of this after reading one of the cash bar threads..

So I've heard the saying that your gift should reflect the cost of your plate. I've also seen on here that people get all riled up when someone suggests that gifts are required at all.

So, if you are super close to someone but you know that they are having a wedding reception that will have a cash bar, dollar dance, and just carrots served during dinner time, would you give less ? (essentially taking the "cost of your plate" into consideration)

ETA: i basically wrote the same sentence twice. and bolded the main point of my post

Grabows14 · October 2013

I give based on what I was able to afford; ranging from $75 to $200 (college to now)

Jen4948 · October 2013

Grabows14 said:

I give based on what I was able to afford; ranging from $75 to $200 (college to now)

Me too. It's not my job to pay for my plate. If the couple can't afford a "plate" for me, then they shouldn't invite me. And I wouldn't have any way of knowing how much they paid for my plate, because the finances of the wedding are none of my business.

antibride2013 · October 2013

MrsLillyG said:

Sort of thought of this after reading one of the cash bar threads..

So I've heard the saying that your gift should reflect the cost of your plate. I've also seen on here that people get all riled up when someone suggests that gifts are required at all. If you know you are going to a wedding in advance that has a cash bar or ltd food during a meal time wouldn't you give less? (This is essentially the same as the 'paying for your plate' idea)

So, if you are super close to someone but you know that they are having a wedding reception that will have a cash bar, dollar dance, and just carrots served during dinner time, would you give less ? (essentially taking the "cost of your plate" into consideration)

I guess it depends on who the couple is. If it is family, I would probably give a little less. If it is not family, and I went to a wedding like you described above, I would leave with my gift in hand, because I don't give cash, always a boxed gift.

There is never a excuse to treat people poorly. If I was super close to someone, and they invited me to their wedding and didn't host me properly, I would probably no longer be friends with them. It is all about respect. Cake and punch does NOT cost that much, and your still hosting your guests properly.

Devonshire22 · October 2013

Agreed. IMO people shouldn't expect gifts. It's lovely if people give them a gift but really, the idea is to invite people you want to share your special day with, show them they are special to you and have a good time. If you're inviting people for gifts, you've got the wrong idea (Not saying *you* are, but some people do). It's not about gifts. This is how I feel about our day anyways.

annathy03 · October 2013

MrsLillyG said:

Sort of thought of this after reading one of the cash bar threads..

So I've heard the saying that your gift should reflect the cost of your plate. I've also seen on here that people get all riled up when someone suggests that gifts are required at all. If you know you are going to a wedding in advance that has a cash bar or ltd food during a meal time wouldn't you give less? (This is essentially the same as the 'paying for your plate' idea)

So, if you are super close to someone but you know that they are having a wedding reception that will have a cash bar, dollar dance, and just carrots served during dinner time, would you give less ? (essentially taking the "cost of your plate" into consideration)

Paying for your plate is a ridiculous concept because: how am I supposed to know how much they paid for my meal? Call the venue and pretend to get pricing for another wedding? It varies so greatly this is unrealistic, and even if I did know the idea that I should give a close friend $30 because their event was at lunch in a cheap city and another friend $200+ because they held their wedding at a beach resort is ridiculous. That is their decision and budget, and should have no bearing on mine.

Gifts of course should never be expected, but I personally would never show up empty handed. If I knew in advance a couple was going to host me poorly I would probably give a little less and leave the reception early (assuming we're close, otherwise I'd simply decline) because I'd be silently insulted, not because I feel the need to cover less of the plate.

kimmieryan0406 · October 2013

Anytime anyone asks me if I'm excited about all the money and gifts I will be receiving, I gently remind them that I expect nothing from any of my guests. They are honoring me by coming to my wedding and there is no expectation that a gift comes too.

Any gifts a bride/groom receive are blessings upon them, regardless if it's $1 or $10,000. Makes me really sad that it's becoming an expectation to receive money and gifts. It should be done from the heart, and any bride/groom should be thankful and happy for what they receive.

CTYankeeBride · October 2013

We give based on what we can afford and how close we are to the couple, and I might go as far to adjust that based on travel expenses but not by much. It's a gift, not an admission fee.

Maggie0829 · October 2013

H and I typically give $50-$100 (based on what we can afford at that time) no matter who is getting married or what kind of event they are having.

I will, however, judge the couple and think slightly less of them if they have a cash bar, dollar dance, just carrots for dinner, etc

Fran1985 · October 2013

The gift based on plate thing is so weird. Shouldn't it be the opposite, you give more for the young couple that's can't afford a fancy black tie event? But regardless, the formality of the event has no bearing on my gift. I give what I can afford and want to

daria24 · October 2013

As long as I am being properly hosted for the time of day, I give whatever my budget is (ie if it was just a cake/light snacks at 2pm, I would give the same as if it was a seated dinner at 7pm).

However I will cop to being a petty bitch sometimes for egregious abuse of etiquette. If someone is having a wedding at 6pm without dinner, and they print NO BOXED GIFTS on the wedding invite, and they charge for water, I'm going to spend less than I initially would have.

A cash bar alone would cause massive eye-rolling, or printing the registry on the invite=snicker, and the dollar dance is something I'm just used to from growing up in a Polish area and gets a shrug.

ei34 · October 2013

I don't like the "paying for your plate" mentality- the couple is choosing to have a wedding, and they choose who they invite, so the expenses that go along with those choices are something they should be comfortable with. I personally wouldn't give a gift based on what kind of wedding it was (open bar vs dry, afternoon vs evening)...my gift to a couple ranges between $150-$250/person, depending on how close to the couple I am. Example: This summer, I attended the wedding of an old friend from grad school solo, and I gave $150. Hubby and I attended my sister's wedding a month later, and our gift to her and her hubby was $500 (since we both attended..).

When I got married, I knew well what the cost per person was, but in no way did I expect guests' gifts to meet that amount. I was happy to receive gifts at all..and the few guests that didn't give a gift, I was happy they'd come to share in our happiness. If you choose to give a gift it should be an amount you're comfortable with.

aurorajanette · October 2013

I give based on if one or both of us are attending the wedding, how close I am to the couple, and how much I can afford at the time. Typically this is $75-$100 if just me and $150-$225 if both of us. Again, depending on relationship we have and the amount we can afford at the time.

I'm in grad school now, so it's not easy for me to dish out hundreds and hundreds on couples just because they decided to have a wedding they couldn't afford. ... and that's pretty much my mentality about paying "per plate". I have no idea how much a couple paid for the meal about about to eat, and I especially don't know in advance of the wedding when I'm writing out the check. I don't think that should be a factor. People really need to be appreciative for the gifts they do receive.

thisismynickname2 · October 2013

I can't fathom the cover your plate concept for all the previously stated reasons, but also because the "plate" differs from wedding to wedding. Is the cost inclusive of food and drink and venue and cake and... and.. and....? My cost per person is high because I have a very inclusive wedding package. However, there could be weddings much nicer than mine where the "per head" is catering only. So......? Stupid "rule".

JustNicki · October 2013

I don't give gifts based on how well I'm hosted (though I may secretly wish I had after the fact if it was a particularly disastrous wedding). FI and I choose the amount to spend on a wedding gift based on our relationship with the couple in question.

mysticl · October 2013

thisismynickname said:

I can't fathom the cover your plate concept for all the previously stated reasons, but also because the "plate" differs from wedding to wedding. Is the cost inclusive of food and drink and venue and cake and... and.. and....? My cost per person is high because I have a very inclusive wedding package. However, there could be weddings much nicer than mine where the "per head" is catering only. So......? Stupid "rule".

You make some good points. Also you have no idea what discounts a person may have been given or what they got gouged on.

ashleyep · October 2013

Cash bar has no bearing on what I give to the couple. I do tend to change my gift based on the type of wedding they're having, but other than that the biggest factor is my relationship to the couple and what other expenses I've incurred (if I'm a BM and have paid for pre-wedding events, if I had to travel, etc.).

ashleyep · October 2013

Lobster1987 said:

So if it's not about covering your plate, why would you give different amounts based on whether or not 2 of you are going? If you pay double what you would give if you went by yourself, aren't you essentially paying "per plate"?

ETA: If you go by that, it's like your paying a $75 per person admission to the wedding.
FI and I give $50 total and it's the same for every wedding.

If my FI and I give a Christmas/birthday gift from the two of us, we give more than I would if I were giving the gift alone. I don't really see the difference here. Two people contributing vs just one person means a bigger gift.

AddieCake · October 2013

Anything happening or not happening at the wedding does not make me decide what to give. I give what I can afford.

STARMOON44 · October 2013

I'm not particularly exacting about it, but I do take into consideration full bar or beer and wine, whether I'm bringing a guest, and where the wedding is. I also consider how close to the couple I am, my budget, and how much else I've spent on their wedding.

I dont think there's anything wrong with a cover your plate mentality as long as it's coming from the guest instead of the couple. You have to decide somehow and I think guests get to follow whatever system they want.

lauralee1723 · October 2013

I give based on what I can afford, and that's the same whether FI is going with me or not. I also like to try to buy a gift from the registry, if there is one. For some reason I just don't like giving money.

loca4pook · October 2013

I give any where from 100-200. More, for close friends/damily. I rarely get a physical gift, I usually stick with cash unless there is another specific reason for not giving cash.

Cash bars don't bother me (mainly because I have seen them alot and am not a big drinker so it doesn't really matter to me anyhow) so I am not sure I would give less based on that. I would, however, probably give less for some BBQ wedding at someone's house vs an actual reception hall, though

and I would never dream of showing up to a wedding without giving a gift. I come from the belief that is totally rude and hurtful and would never ever do that to someone. if you care enough about attending the wedding, you should care enough abuot wanting to shower the person with gifts/cash. Just how I was raised

aurorajanette · October 2013

aurorajanette said:

I give based on if one or both of us are attending the wedding, how close I am to the couple, and how much I can afford at the time. Typically this is $75-$100 if just me and $150-$225 if both of us. Again, depending on relationship we have and the amount we can afford at the time.

I'm in grad school now, so it's not easy for me to dish out hundreds and hundreds on couples just because they decided to have a wedding they couldn't afford. ... and that's pretty much my mentality about paying "per plate". I have no idea how much a couple paid for the meal about about to eat, and I especially don't know in advance of the wedding when I'm writing out the check. I don't think that should be a factor. People really need to be appreciative for the gifts they do receive.

So if it's not about covering your plate, why would you give different amounts based on whether or not 2 of you are going? If you pay double what you would give if you went by yourself, aren't you essentially paying "per plate"?

ETA: If you go by that, it's like your paying a $75 per person admission to the wedding.
FI and I give $50 total and it's the same for every wedding.

The reason it is different is the situation. When FI and I were just starting our relationship, I went to a co-worker's wedding solo. I gave her $75. FI did not know her and was also not invited (it was rude, I know), so he did not contribute to the gift. When we go to an event together, we both toss money in for the gift. I can't afford to give someone a $200 gift by myself. I can afford $75-$100. FI can also afford that much, that is why we give that amount if we are both invited to a wedding. We would also give the full amount if we were both invited but one of us was unable to attend for some reason. I was also factoring in the solo gift from when I was single.

AroundTheBlock · October 2013

Wedding gifts are given to show love and support for a new couple starting out into married life, and to help them establish their household. Standard etiquette requires that any gifts be sent to the bride's home before the wedding, or to the couple's home after the wedding. There are lots of good practical reasons for this etiquette demand: no-one should be hefting boxes across the parkinglot while in their Sunday best and high-heeled shoes, gift-giving should be private and discrete to prevent the givers of large showy gifts from casting a shadow on the givers of modest gifts and it is the rare reception venue that offers a discrete inconspicuous storage place for gifts; and no-one should have to stop on their way from their wedding party to their dream honeymoon to unload a box-van full of wedding presents.

But there is an even better psychological reason why gifts should not be brought to the reception. Bringing gifts to the reception couples the two concepts -- the giving of a gift, and the getting of a fancy evening out -- together in the participants' minds. They begin to think of the two as tightly related: the gift as being the payment which creates an entitlement to the party; the party as being a service which creates an entitlement to the gift. That is NOT how nice social manners work.

A gift is a gift. Gift giving is a love-language. Whether you speak that love-language or not, you must foster the virtue of generosity by learning to give without thought of return. And hospitality is also a love-language: a virtue to be developed by learning to offer it without thought of repayment.

So no: guests should never adjust your gift up or down in response to a mercenary calculation regarding what they are getting in return. And hostesses should not be basing their hospitality on estimates of what they have to gain or lose based on the cash inserted into the greeting cards they are being given, either.

AddieCake · October 2013

Every wedding I've attended had gifts at it. Every gift we received came at the wedding; not a single one was sent to our home.

MGP · October 2013

Jen4948 said:

Grabows14 said:

I give based on what I was able to afford; ranging from $75 to $200 (college to now)

Me too. It's not my job to pay for my plate. If the couple can't afford a "plate" for me, then they shouldn't invite me. And I wouldn't have any way of knowing how much they paid for my plate, because the finances of the wedding are none of my business.

All of this! Seriously how are you supposed to know the per plate cost? If a couple tells you, that's rude. If they tell you and then ask for a gift equal to that amount, that's extra rude. If you ask, that's rude. And no one can read minds. Bottom line is it doesn't matter. The per plate cost is no one's business other than who is paying for it.

A wedding is not - I repeat NOT - a charity, a fundraiser, a way to break even, or a way to come out ahead. Host what you can afford, host how many you can afford, and expect nothing in return. Gifts are just gravy. It is not my job to subsidize your wedding or your lifestyle after the event. If you can't get by without the gifts or the cash then you shouldn't be getting married. Period.

The amount I decide to spend on a gift is based on my own financial situation and my relationship with the couple. To me the relationship matters most. If my best friend had a backyard wedding at $25/pp would I spend more? Absolutely! If a random coworker who I didn't even like that much sent me a courtesy invite to a $500/pp black tie affair if I decided to attend would I feel obligated to spend a minimum of $500? Hell to the no! Someone's else's budget will not determine mine. I am an adult and can make my own decisions on how to spend my hard earned money. If someone has a problem with how much/how little I spent on their wedding gift they can give it back and consider the relationship over.

(for the record, I usually spend anywhere between $50 - $300)

SP29 · October 2013

I think the idea of paying for your plate is silly (though I know people who stand strongly by it!).

I agree- how does one know how much the plate costs? Do you only pay for the cost of food, or do you factor in the bar? Centerpieces? Favours? (As an example, we are getting a package price at my venue because it is in winter where the total price includes the meal, bar, centerpieces, table linens, cake cutting, and setting up- what part would the guests "pay" for???)

Even if you did know how much the plate costs (I know someone who will call up a venue and ask approximately how much a plate costs), it is the B&G's choice to choose that price point, not the guests.

Give what you can afford. In the past I have bought a gift off the registry that cost no more than $25, up to giving a $200 cheque. It depends on how close we are to the couple, what other things we've spent money on (such as also paying for 2 flights and a hotel to go to a friend's wedding), and what sort of financial situation we are in.

MrsLillyG · October 2013

I never heard of the pay per plate rule as an exact science - i.e. you call up ask how much the plate is and/or decide whether to include the cost of centerpieces or whatever. I sort of always thought it was similar to the xmas gift analogy, giving twice if there are two of you. We go by this rule, and also factor in who the couple is and the type of event. Our gifts from couples were actually on average twice as big as gifts from single people so maybe a lot of people in my circle think that way. I don't know if I can believe people actually call up the venue!! FTR I didn't expect people to 'pay for their plate' as gifts to us.

banana468 · October 2013

If you want me to pay for my plate then I get to pick the place.

Vivandiere8 · October 2013

I feel that whoever made up the rule about the gift vers the cost of the plate was a spoiled couple and the idea spread from there. It's a ridiculous idea to me. There are only too things to consider, how much you can reasonably afford, and perhaps how close you are to the couple.

NYCBruin · October 2013

banana468 said:

If you want me to pay for my plate then I get to pick the place.

So much this. If this were an actual rule, FI and I would have to decline a lot of wedding invitations. When we go out to eat, we pick places we can afford. We can't afford a $500 wedding gift and we had nothing to do with picking your $250/plate venue/meal.

To the OP's question which I think was more of a "would you adjust the amount you were planning to give if you knew about or saw something rude at the wedding": Yes. I probably would. I almost always give a cash gift and pretty much always forget to bring the card to the wedding. I usually end up mailing the card and check after the wedding. If I was at a wedding that had a lot of tacky things, I'd probably rip up the check I wrote and send a boxed gift (worth less than the check amount). If I knew about such tacky things in advance, depending on how close I was to the person, I'd probably just decline the invitation.

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