Wedding etiquette Q&A

Re: Wedding etiquette Q&A

• climbingsingle member

  

  October 2013

  How long is the gap between when the ceremony ends and the reception starts?

  
  

  Please do not have drink tickets. That is tacky. Either have an open bar or a dry wedding. If you have an open bar, a good bartender will know when to cut people off. 

  
  

  Honeymoon registry - it's essentially asking your guests for money. Again, it's tacky. 

  
  

  You can't invite people to just "dance". That's extremely rude. 

  
  

  Gifts for the bridal party aren't really a gift if you expect them to use/wear it the day of the wedding. If it's jewelry they would wear another day, it's fine. 

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• KatWAG member

  

  October 2013 edited October 2013

  Devonshire22 said:

  Just want to double check some things as we go along on our planning process and make sure we're not going to make any major faux pas. After reading a bit through the board, there seems like a lot a bride & groom can do wrong.

  1) I've seen a lot of talk about the space between ceremony & reception - we are having our ceremony at one spot and the reception a short drive away. After the ceremony, we are planning to provide some beverages (lemonade, iced tea and some alcoholic beverages for those who are not driving) and snacks at the ceremony site so people can wander & enjoy the gardens, mingle and have a refreshment. My hope is to keep people from driving back into town and drinking themselves silly at the bar before the reception. Good idea? Also, how long should this be hosted for? Or just keep going until everybody has gone to the reception? How long inbetween the ceremony and reception? if you are having a 2pm ceremony and a 6 pm reception, you need to make some adjustments

  2) Should we still have a cocktail hour before the dinner? (I'm thinking yes)  With more snacks and finger food? You can. If you serve alcohol then I think you should have some light snacks.

  3) We have some people that I'm concerned will get "floor licking drunk" if there's an open bar. Plus we've been advised by a lot of people that so much alcohol gets wasted at an open bar because someone will set something down, wander over to talk to someone, forget about it and just go get another. So we're thinking of doing cocktail hour free, 2 or 3 drink tickets and then a "toonie" bar ($2 coin here in Canada). We don't want to be totally faux pas by having a full priced, cash bar but we also don't want to provide a full blown open bar for the above reasons stated. (I know... open bar would be better etiquette...) My question is, is there any way that we can prevent people from getting totally obliterated at our wedding aside from having a dry wedding? NOOOOOO. No tokens, no cash bar. Host what you can afford and keep it consistant throughout the night. Hosting beer/wine or having a dry wedding are completely acceptable answers.

  4) I've seen this mentioned on a few posts already... the "Honeyfund", is this a really horrible idea? (I have a feeling the answer is most definitely yes.) We kinda considered it as we've been living together for quite some time & have most everything we need and thought it might be a nice alternative to a gift registry but it seems weird. Yes, any sort of honeyfund is tacky and rude. Read the mutliple threads on the Registry board.

  5) Gift registry - where is the appropriate place/time to let people know of where you are registered for gifts? It's bad etiquette to put it on the invite, correct? What about things on the registry - ie big items. I've seen that before where someone will put a fancy new washer & dryer on the registry and I'm thinking "Wow, really??". I personally feel awkward putting big ticket items on a registry because it seems greedy.  Use word of mouth or put this info on your wedding registry. Not on the invite. Make sure to register to a wide variety of price points. But I would not put furniture, TVs, Stereos, Washer/dryer, etc on your registry

  6) We both have BIG families, so our wedding invite list is large and we're at our max for the dinner. Yet there are still some people that I work with that I thought it might be a nice gesture to invite them to the dance. Is it indeed a nice gesture or should I just not invite them at all for fear that they take it in the "You weren't important enough to invite to the dinner" way? No, a wedding is one event. Invite them to all or nothing. It is saying you are good enough to bring me a gift and dance but not good enough to eat dinner.

  7) Wedding favors - are they really necessary? I've been at a lot of weddings where hardly anyone takes their favor from the table and then the B&G are left with boxes of leftovers, so are they really necessary to have? Just seems like an extra thing that might not matter but set me straight if I'm wrong. They are a nice to have, not a needs to have.

  8) Wedding showers - my BM's would like to host one near the town that I live in and my cousin (in another province) would also like to host one out there for our friends & family. Is it ok to have two? Yes you can have two. Make sure the guest lists are conpletely separate.

  9) FI thought of the idea of having a shuttle to take guests home, I think it's an unnecessary added cost considering most of the hotels are within walking distance (small town). Thoughts? Again, nice to have, not needs to have

  10) Accommodations for BM's & GM's - The GM and G are going to stay at our house the night before the wedding. We plan on booking a B&B for myself and the BM's (which we plan to pay for). What about the BM's husbands? I don't have a problem with them staying at the B&B also or is that not good? What about the night of the wedding, am I expected to pay for their hotel room that night as well? (Personally, I've always had to pay for my own hotel room as a BM but wondered about that). I think this is okay as long as everyone is local.

  11) Dresses, shoes etc - BM or bride pay for these? Or is it ok to have the BM's pay for these as long as I don't choose a really pricey dress in a style they'll never wear again? What about groomsmen's tuxes? BM/GMs are responsible to pay for their own attire. Ask everyone their budgets separate and pick something less than the lowest budget. If you want matching shoes, hair, make up, jewelry; you need to pay for it.And those items should not be part of their BM gift. 

  12) Gifts - I saw somewhere that it was a major faux pas to give the bridesmaids jewellery. Why? I actually had planned to do that and found something for each of my BM's something that I know they don't have and probably wouldn't go out and splurge on buying for themselves. It's not really so they look a certain way or match or anything like that. (We actually haven't even discussed BM's dresses yet). It is only a faux pas if you want them to wear it for the wedding, then it becomes part of their uniform. Shop for them like its their bday. If the jewelry is something they would pick out for themselves and would wear regularly, I think its fine.
  
  I think that's all I've got for right now... Thanks for your input!

  That was exhausting.
  

  

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• LondonLisa member

  

  October 2013

  Devonshire22 said:

  Just want to double check some things as we go along on our planning process and make sure we're not going to make any major faux pas. After reading a bit through the board, there seems like a lot a bride & groom can do wrong.

  1) I've seen a lot of talk about the space between ceremony & reception - we are having our ceremony at one spot and the reception a short drive away. After the ceremony, we are planning to provide some beverages (lemonade, iced tea and some alcoholic beverages for those who are not driving) and snacks at the ceremony site so people can wander & enjoy the gardens, mingle and have a refreshment. My hope is to keep people from driving back into town and drinking themselves silly at the bar before the reception. Good idea? Also, how long should this be hosted for? Or just keep going until everybody has gone to the reception?

  This seems a little awkward- I wouldn't know if this was the cocktail hour, or if I was supposed to go straight to the reception site. Normally, after a ceremony, I would go straight to the reception. I would forget about the drinks at the ceremony and just have a cocktail hour at the reception site.

  2) Should we still have a cocktail hour before the dinner? (I'm thinking yes)  With more snacks and finger food?

  Yes, any gap between a ceremony and reception must be hosted. 

  3) We have some people that I'm concerned will get "floor licking drunk" if there's an open bar. Plus we've been advised by a lot of people that so much alcohol gets wasted at an open bar because someone will set something down, wander over to talk to someone, forget about it and just go get another. So we're thinking of doing cocktail hour free, 2 or 3 drink tickets and then a "toonie" bar ($2 coin here in Canada). We don't want to be totally faux pas by having a full priced, cash bar but we also don't want to provide a full blown open bar for the above reasons stated. (I know... open bar would be better etiquette...) My question is, is there any way that we can prevent people from getting totally obliterated at our wedding aside from having a dry wedding?

  People who will get fall down drunk will do it with any kind of bar. It is false logic to think that this will limit it in any way. There are only three options to correctly host a bar: 1.) Open bar 2.) Limited open bar ( e.g. beer and wine only- NO cash bar for liquor) 3.) Dry wedding. Any cash bar/ drink tickets/ toonie bar is very much against etiquette. Just hire licensed bar tenders and have them cut off people who are too drunk. 

  4) I've seen this mentioned on a few posts already... the "Honeyfund", is this a really horrible idea? (I have a feeling the answer is most definitely yes.) We kinda considered it as we've been living together for quite some time & have most everything we need and thought it might be a nice alternative to a gift registry but it seems weird.

  YES- ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE, TACKY, RUDE, A SCAM!!! Honestly, I do not have enough time to write out how awful this is. Do not, under any circumstances, register for money, honeymoon, gift cards, cash or anything else that is money. You are not a charity so don't beg for money. 

  5) Gift registry - where is the appropriate place/time to let people know of where you are registered for gifts? It's bad etiquette to put it on the invite, correct? What about things on the registry - ie big items. I've seen that before where someone will put a fancy new washer & dryer on the registry and I'm thinking "Wow, really??". I personally feel awkward putting big ticket items on a registry because it seems greedy. 
  

  Tell the bridal party/ you mother etc where you are registered. Most people will figure it out by googling. NEVER include it with your invitations. Personally, I would side eye major appliances like a washer/dryer. I think you can have a few "big ticket" items (as some people like to do group gifts) like a Kitchenaid mixer or a Dyson Ball, but nothing more than that. Make sure the majority of your items are on the lower end of the scale. 

  6) We both have BIG families, so our wedding invite list is large and we're at our max for the dinner. Yet there are still some people that I work with that I thought it might be a nice gesture to invite them to the dance. Is it indeed a nice gesture or should I just not invite them at all for fear that they take it in the "You weren't important enough to invite to the dinner" way?

  That is EXACTLY what you are saying to them. Tiered receptions are rude- do not invite people just to the dance.

  7) Wedding favors - are they really necessary? I've been at a lot of weddings where hardly anyone takes their favor from the table and then the B&G are left with boxes of leftovers, so are they really necessary to have? Just seems like an extra thing that might not matter but set me straight if I'm wrong.

  Perfectly fine to skip!

  8) Wedding showers - my BM's would like to host one near the town that I live in and my cousin (in another province) would also like to host one out there for our friends & family. Is it ok to have two?

  Yes, but showers are for boxed gifts only- no honeymoon/ gift card registries etc. Also, anyone invited to the shower MUST be invited to the wedding. I would also try to limit the overlap so people do not feel compelled to buy you two shower gifts. 

  9) FI thought of the idea of having a shuttle to take guests home, I think it's an unnecessary added cost considering most of the hotels are within walking distance (small town). Thoughts?

  It is a very nice thing to do, but not required. 

  10) Accommodations for BM's & GM's - The GM and G are going to stay at our house the night before the wedding. We plan on booking a B&B for myself and the BM's (which we plan to pay for). What about the BM's husbands? I don't have a problem with them staying at the B&B also or is that not good? What about the night of the wedding, am I expected to pay for their hotel room that night as well? (Personally, I've always had to pay for my own hotel room as a BM but wondered about that).

  Personally, I would pay for the hotel rooms. 

  11) Dresses, shoes etc - BM or bride pay for these? Or is it ok to have the BM's pay for these as long as I don't choose a really pricey dress in a style they'll never wear again? What about groomsmen's tuxes?

  Where I am from, the Bride pays for everything. However, I understand in North America the BM's pay for their own dresses (after discussing budgets). Shoes, wraps, jewellery, professional hair/makeup on the day, nails etc is to be paid for by the bride and does NOT count as the gift.

  12) Gifts - I saw somewhere that it was a major faux pas to give the bridesmaids jewellery. Why? I actually had planned to do that and found something for each of my BM's something that I know they don't have and probably wouldn't go out and splurge on buying for themselves. It's not really so they look a certain way or match or anything like that. (We actually haven't even discussed BM's dresses yet). 

  It is a faux pas to give a gift of jewellery that you expect them to wear on the day as part of their "uniform". It is fine to give them jewellery as a gift with no expectation/ pressure they wear it on the day. However, you should get personal gifts (not matching ones). 
  
  I think that's all I've got for right now... Thanks for your input!

  
  

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• pbi9994 member

  

  October 2013

  Just chiming in for #3, I've been to a few weddings where it's open bar for cocktail hour and dinner, and then after dinner they switch it to wine and beer only. I've never seen evidence of people having a problem with this, so maybe that's a route you can take. Being a martini drinker, myself, it's really easy to get sloshed if I'm having a good time and not paying attention.

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• Devonshire22 member

  

  October 2013

  We haven't decided how long the gap will be. Perhaps ceremony at 2:30, ending about 3pm? Then dinner at about 6pm?

  I honestly don't think I've ever been to a wedding that hasn't had drink tickets or an open bar. I guess we'll be faux pas on that one.

  Yep that's what I thought about the Honeymoon registry. We'll axe that idea!

  Also confirms what I thought about the "dance" portion.

  The jewellery is kinda both. Something that'd be nice for them to wear on the day of but also something they could definitely wear again. We're not talking cheap, tacky costume jewellery either.

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• doeydo member

  

  October 2013

  Devonshire22 said:

  Just want to double check some things as we go along on our planning process and make sure we're not going to make any major faux pas. After reading a bit through the board, there seems like a lot a bride & groom can do wrong.

  1) I've seen a lot of talk about the space between ceremony & reception - we are having our ceremony at one spot and the reception a short drive away. After the ceremony, we are planning to provide some beverages (lemonade, iced tea and some alcoholic beverages for those who are not driving) and snacks at the ceremony site so people can wander & enjoy the gardens, mingle and have a refreshment. My hope is to keep people from driving back into town and drinking themselves silly at the bar before the reception. Good idea? Also, how long should this be hosted for? Or just keep going until everybody has gone to the reception?  Why not have these food and drinks available at the reception location, during your cocktail hour?

  2) Should we still have a cocktail hour before the dinner? (I'm thinking yes)  With more snacks and finger food?  Not mandatory.  If you are going to go away with the groom to take pictures in between the ceremony and reception then the cocktail hour should be during that time.

  3) We have some people that I'm concerned will get "floor licking drunk" if there's an open bar. Plus we've been advised by a lot of people that so much alcohol gets wasted at an open bar because someone will set something down, wander over to talk to someone, forget about it and just go get another. So we're thinking of doing cocktail hour free, 2 or 3 drink tickets and then a "toonie" bar ($2 coin here in Canada). We don't want to be totally faux pas by having a full priced, cash bar but we also don't want to provide a full blown open bar for the above reasons stated. (I know... open bar would be better etiquette...) My question is, is there any way that we can prevent people from getting totally obliterated at our wedding aside from having a dry wedding?   No.  Anything where a guest has to pay money at your wedding, is tacky and rude.  Drink tickets are tacky and cheap.  If your only concern is people getting too drunk, then tell the bartender to cut people off if they are getting too drunk, which the bartender should be doing anyways.

  4) I've seen this mentioned on a few posts already... the "Honeyfund", is this a really horrible idea? (I have a feeling the answer is most definitely yes.) We kinda considered it as we've been living together for quite some time & have most everything we need and thought it might be a nice alternative to a gift registry but it seems weird.  As in asking for money for a honeymoon?  No, that is rude.

  5) Gift registry - where is the appropriate place/time to let people know of where you are registered for gifts? It's bad etiquette to put it on the invite, correct? What about things on the registry - ie big items. I've seen that before where someone will put a fancy new washer & dryer on the registry and I'm thinking "Wow, really??". I personally feel awkward putting big ticket items on a registry because it seems greedy.   You can tell your parents/siblings and then if anyone asks, you or them can say you are registered at _____.  Do not bring it up yourself.  You can put some big ticket items on the registry, some people group gift.  Just make sure you have gifts for every budget, including things in the $20 range.

  6) We both have BIG families, so our wedding invite list is large and we're at our max for the dinner. Yet there are still some people that I work with that I thought it might be a nice gesture to invite them to the dance. Is it indeed a nice gesture or should I just not invite them at all for fear that they take it in the "You weren't important enough to invite to the dinner" way?  It is rude to invite people to only part of your wedding and only part of the reception.  This is called a tiered reception.  Just don't invite them.

  7) Wedding favors - are they really necessary? I've been at a lot of weddings where hardly anyone takes their favor from the table and then the B&G are left with boxes of leftovers, so are they really necessary to have? Just seems like an extra thing that might not matter but set me straight if I'm wrong.  Favours aren't necessary but they are a nice touch/gesture.  Usually edible favours don't get left behind as much as silly knickknacks. 

  8) Wedding showers - my BM's would like to host one near the town that I live in and my cousin (in another province) would also like to host one out there for our friends & family. Is it ok to have two?  That's fine.  Don't expect people who are invited to both to get you gifts at both showers though.

  9) FI thought of the idea of having a shuttle to take guests home, I think it's an unnecessary added cost considering most of the hotels are within walking distance (small town). Thoughts?  So the guests drive there, leave there car at your reception site, and then get driven home?  I wouldn't use the shuttle, personally, but if you are worried about drunk driving, you could offer it anyways, I guess.

  10) Accommodations for BM's & GM's - The GM and G are going to stay at our house the night before the wedding. We plan on booking a B&B for myself and the BM's (which we plan to pay for). What about the BM's husbands? I don't have a problem with them staying at the B&B also or is that not good? What about the night of the wedding, am I expected to pay for their hotel room that night as well? (Personally, I've always had to pay for my own hotel room as a BM but wondered about that).  I would invite the BM's significant others to stay at the B&B.  As for the night of the wedding, as a BM I would just want to go home.  I don't think you have to pay for their hotel but if they are from out of town, it would be nice to have rooms booked at a hotel for them.

  11) Dresses, shoes etc - BM or bride pay for these? Or is it ok to have the BM's pay for these as long as I don't choose a really pricey dress in a style they'll never wear again? What about groomsmen's tuxes?  BMs typically pay for dresses, regardless of the style.  Before looking at BM dresses, you need to talk to each of your BMs separately, and find out what their budget is.  The dress should be within the lowest budget.  Alternatively, you could just pick a fabric and a colour and have the BMs pick out their own dresses.  As for shoes, they don't really matter, but if you just say "black shoes" then you don't have to pay for it because the BMs will most likely wear shoes they already own or buy some that they like.  

  12) Gifts - I saw somewhere that it was a major faux pas to give the bridesmaids jewellery. Why? I actually had planned to do that and found something for each of my BM's something that I know they don't have and probably wouldn't go out and splurge on buying for themselves. It's not really so they look a certain way or match or anything like that. (We actually haven't even discussed BM's dresses yet). It isn't a faux pas to give them jewelry, it is a faux pas to give them jewelry, or anything else, that you want them to wear on your wedding day as a "gift" because it really isn't a gift for them, it is for you.
  
  I think that's all I've got for right now... Thanks for your input!

  
  

  
  

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• SlothGoals member

  

  October 2013

  1) No gap. If your guests leave the ceremony site to go to the reception site they should be hosted there.

  
  

  2) I would just have a cocktail hour at the reception site instead of one at both the ceremony and reception site.

  
  

  3) Open bar, dry wedding, or limited open bar (beer, wine, signature drink). Your guests should not open their wallets.

  
  

  4) Honeyfunds are tacky. Just don't register for anything and guests will get the hint. Remember though that if you choose not to register you also choose to decline any showers that are offered.

  
  

  5) Registry information is usually passed by word of mouth or in the shower invites. It never goes in the wedding invite.

  
  

  6) Guests need to be invited to the whole event, not just certain parts. That is called a tiered reception and it is rude.

  
  

  7) Favours are not necessary.

  
  

  8) You should only accept the showers if you are registering. 

  
  

  9) Guests are responsible for their own transportation. It would be a nice gesture if you can afford it but again, not necessary.

  
  

  10) WP members pay for their own accommodation. If you are requiring them to stay at the B&B though you have to pay.

  
  

  11) BMs pay for their dresses. If you require specific shoes/accessories/etc. you have to pay for those.

  
  

  12) Jewellery is a faux pas if it is something they have to wear the day of the wedding. Shop for them like it's their birthday/christmas/etc. and have it be unrelated to the wedding.

   

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• KatWAG member

  

  October 2013

  Devonshire22 said:

  We haven't decided how long the gap will be. Perhaps ceremony at 2:30, ending about 3pm? Then dinner at about 6pm? A 3 hour gap is wayyy too long. Can you move your ceremony back to 5pm? Maybe get married at the same lovation as your reception?

  I honestly don't think I've ever been to a wedding that hasn't had drink tickets or an open bar. I guess we'll be faux pas on that one. Just bc other had drink tickets doesnt make it any less rude. Host your guests completely, for the entire night.

  Yep that's what I thought about the Honeymoon registry. We'll axe that idea! YAY!

  Also confirms what I thought about the "dance" portion.

  The jewellery is kinda both. Something that'd be nice for them to wear on the day of but also something they could definitely wear again. We're not talking cheap, tacky costume jewellery either. I would try and find something else. I promise you no one will notice your BMs jewelry.

  
  

  

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• Grabows14 member

  

  October 2013

  Devonshire22 said:

  Just want to double check some things as we go along on our planning process and make sure we're not going to make any major faux pas. After reading a bit through the board, there seems like a lot a bride & groom can do wrong.

  1) I've seen a lot of talk about the space between ceremony & reception - we are having our ceremony at one spot and the reception a short drive away. After the ceremony, we are planning to provide some beverages (lemonade, iced tea and some alcoholic beverages for those who are not driving) and snacks at the ceremony site so people can wander & enjoy the gardens, mingle and have a refreshment. My hope is to keep people from driving back into town and drinking themselves silly at the bar before the reception. Good idea? Also, how long should this be hosted for? Or just keep going until everybody has gone to the reception? How long between events? Are we talking 6 hours or 30 minutes?? We are having an hour gap, but to drive to the reception takes at least 45 minutes (downtown chicago to suburb)

  2) Should we still have a cocktail hour before the dinner? (I'm thinking yes)  With more snacks and finger food? Only required if you will not be there to host your guests (ie you are taking pictures). Otherwise it's just preferential. 

  3) We have some people that I'm concerned will get "floor licking drunk" if there's an open bar. Plus we've been advised by a lot of people that so much alcohol gets wasted at an open bar because someone will set something down, wander over to talk to someone, forget about it and just go get another. So we're thinking of doing cocktail hour free, 2 or 3 drink tickets and then a "toonie" bar ($2 coin here in Canada). We don't want to be totally faux pas by having a full priced, cash bar but we also don't want to provide a full blown open bar for the above reasons stated. (I know... open bar would be better etiquette...) My question is, is there any way that we can prevent people from getting totally obliterated at our wedding aside from having a dry wedding?All of your guests will get sloshed because of an open bar?? It is considered a cash bar if you require cash to pay for drinks. Tell your bartender to not serve liquor to people who are visibly drunk. I'm sure that your guests won't continue to feed them alcohol if they are obnoxious. Also, don't serve shots. Then your bartender can just give them soda if they ask for more liquor when they are too drunk.

  4) I've seen this mentioned on a few posts already... the "Honeyfund", is this a really horrible idea? (I have a feeling the answer is most definitely yes.) We kinda considered it as we've been living together for quite some time & have most everything we need and thought it might be a nice alternative to a gift registry but it seems weird.The reason why it is bad is because the company charges you a fee to place an order through their website. So your Aunt Debbie gives you $50 for a dinner on your honeymoon through the honeyfund, but you only receive $45 because of the $5 fee that's associated with the honeyfund website. Plus, you just receive a check from the honeyfund website, none of the activities are actually booked for you. 

  5) Gift registry - where is the appropriate place/time to let people know of where you are registered for gifts? It's bad etiquette to put it on the invite, correct? What about things on the registry - ie big items. I've seen that before where someone will put a fancy new washer & dryer on the registry and I'm thinking "Wow, really??". I personally feel awkward putting big ticket items on a registry because it seems greedy. Put the gift registry on your website, and let your family/friends know who will disseminate the information for you. If anyone is curious, they will ask. You are correct, do not put on invite. What you feel comfortable asking for and what you need, that's what you put on the gift registry. People can also go in together for a gift (I've seen that done)

  6) We both have BIG families, so our wedding invite list is large and we're at our max for the dinner. Yet there are still some people that I work with that I thought it might be a nice gesture to invite them to the dance. Is it indeed a nice gesture or should I just not invite them at all for fear that they take it in the "You weren't important enough to invite to the dinner" way? What you are suggesting is a tiered reception. It may feel awkward to your guests to only be invited to the dance portion and not the dinner or church. So please, for your guests' feelings, do not do this. 

  7) Wedding favors - are they really necessary? I've been at a lot of weddings where hardly anyone takes their favor from the table and then the B&G are left with boxes of leftovers, so are they really necessary to have? Just seems like an extra thing that might not matter but set me straight if I'm wrong.Not necessary, but they are cute. Get candy for favors if you are really concerned about usage. 

  8) Wedding showers - my BM's would like to host one near the town that I live in and my cousin (in another province) would also like to host one out there for our friends & family. Is it ok to have two?yes but keep the lists separate. It may be hard to do because it can get confusing. There have been brides who tried to do this before and end up having one. So also think "Why can't they host together?"

  9) FI thought of the idea of having a shuttle to take guests home, I think it's an unnecessary added cost considering most of the hotels are within walking distance (small town). Thoughts?That is very considerate, but not necessary.

  10) Accommodations for BM's & GM's - The GM and G are going to stay at our house the night before the wedding. We plan on booking a B&B for myself and the BM's (which we plan to pay for). What about the BM's husbands? I don't have a problem with them staying at the B&B also or is that not good? What about the night of the wedding, am I expected to pay for their hotel room that night as well? (Personally, I've always had to pay for my own hotel room as a BM but wondered about that).If you are requiring them to stay, then you have to pay. Also, ask your BMs preference on having their husbands. Some may, some may not want them. 

  11) Dresses, shoes etc - BM or bride pay for these? Or is it ok to have the BM's pay for these as long as I don't choose a really pricey dress in a style they'll never wear again? What about groomsmen's tuxes?Take your BMs budget into consideration. if you want something they cannot afford, don't make them pay for it. On this website, we mainly say that brides should not ask for more than just the dress, so accessories should be paid for. You cannot be the judge for someone's style. A dress that you like, may be one they never wear again. 

  12) Gifts - I saw somewhere that it was a major faux pas to give the bridesmaids jewellery. Why? I actually had planned to do that and found something for each of my BM's something that I know they don't have and probably wouldn't go out and splurge on buying for themselves. It's not really so they look a certain way or match or anything like that. (We actually haven't even discussed BM's dresses yet). Jewelry that is required to be worn the day of the wedding, is like giving them shoes in the scenario above and telling them that is their gift. You wouldn't like that would you? A gift should come from the heart and say that you really appreciate them. 
  
  I think that's all I've got for right now... Thanks for your input!

  
  

  

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• SlothGoals member

  

  October 2013

  Devonshire22 said:

  We haven't decided how long the gap will be. Perhaps ceremony at 2:30, ending about 3pm? Then dinner at about 6pm?

  I honestly don't think I've ever been to a wedding that hasn't had drink tickets or an open bar. I guess we'll be faux pas on that one.

  Yep that's what I thought about the Honeymoon registry. We'll axe that idea!

  Also confirms what I thought about the "dance" portion.

  The jewellery is kinda both. Something that'd be nice for them to wear on the day of but also something they could definitely wear again. We're not talking cheap, tacky costume jewellery either.

  Your gap is far too long. Either push back the ceremony time or push up the time the reception starts. Why can't you have the ceremony start at 5:15 and the reception start at 6 with 15 min travel time in the middle?

   

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  October 2013

  icecreamcono said:

  Just chiming in for #3, I've been to a few weddings where it's open bar for cocktail hour and dinner, and then after dinner they switch it to wine and beer only. I've never seen evidence of people having a problem with this, so maybe that's a route you can take. Being a martini drinker, myself, it's really easy to get sloshed if I'm having a good time and not paying attention.

  No this is not a good idea.  Whatever you host should be hosted throughout the event.  And I am sure people were miffed about it but just didn't say anything.

  
  

  Also, you are an adult and should be aware of your alcohol intake.  If you get sloshed that is on you.  The bride and groom should not be the one's to have to control your alcohol intake by changing up the bar.

  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  October 2013

  Devonshire22 said:

  Just want to double check some things as we go along on our planning process and make sure we're not going to make any major faux pas. After reading a bit through the board, there seems like a lot a bride & groom can do wrong.

  1) I've seen a lot of talk about the space between ceremony & reception - we are having our ceremony at one spot and the reception a short drive away. After the ceremony, we are planning to provide some beverages (lemonade, iced tea and some alcoholic beverages for those who are not driving) and snacks at the ceremony site so people can wander & enjoy the gardens, mingle and have a refreshment. My hope is to keep people from driving back into town and drinking themselves silly at the bar before the reception. Good idea? Also, how long should this be hosted for? Or just keep going until everybody has gone to the reception?

  I'd provide all of this at the reception location during the cocktail hour so that your guests can go directly from the ceremony to the reception and be hosted there during the cocktail hour.  It's not necessary to serve alcoholic drinks at the cocktail hour, but it's not your job to keep people from "drinking themselves silly at the bar before the reception."  The cocktail hour has to be hosted the entire time.
  

  2) Should we still have a cocktail hour before the dinner? (I'm thinking yes)  With more snacks and finger food?  See answer above-skip the ceremony location provisions and just have a cocktail hour at the reception location.
  

  3) We have some people that I'm concerned will get "floor licking drunk" if there's an open bar. Plus we've been advised by a lot of people that so much alcohol gets wasted at an open bar because someone will set something down, wander over to talk to someone, forget about it and just go get another. So we're thinking of doing cocktail hour free, 2 or 3 drink tickets and then a "toonie" bar ($2 coin here in Canada). We don't want to be totally faux pas by having a full priced, cash bar but we also don't want to provide a full blown open bar for the above reasons stated. (I know... open bar would be better etiquette...) My question is, is there any way that we can prevent people from getting totally obliterated at our wedding aside from having a dry wedding?
  

  You can have bartenders cut off drunk people, and you are not required to have a full open bar-you can serve a limited bar consisting of, say, beer, wine, and perhaps champagne and a signature cocktail or two without top shelf liquor or shots.  But you cannot pass on any charges to your guests or limit the times anything you provide is offered-it has to be offered the entire time.  You should also have security available to escort away anyone whose behavior gets out of line.  Beyond that, if someone gets drunk there really is nothing more you can do, so don't feel guilty if you take these precautions and it happens anyway.
  

  4) I've seen this mentioned on a few posts already... the "Honeyfund", is this a really horrible idea? (I have a feeling the answer is most definitely yes.) We kinda considered it as we've been living together for quite some time & have most everything we need and thought it might be a nice alternative to a gift registry but it seems weird.
  

  It's inappropriate to expect anyone to pay for your honeymoon as a gift, because that's a very personal expense that you need to cover yourselves.  Also, those "honeyfunds" take a cut of everything donated, so you don't get the full gift.  Skip this.
  

  5) Gift registry - where is the appropriate place/time to let people know of where you are registered for gifts? It's bad etiquette to put it on the invite, correct? What about things on the registry - ie big items. I've seen that before where someone will put a fancy new washer & dryer on the registry and I'm thinking "Wow, really??". I personally feel awkward putting big ticket items on a registry because it seems greedy. 
  

  You're correct, gift registries don't go in invitations (except for showers) because it has the appearance of a gift-grab.  And I agree that it's best to limit gift registry items to things that are actually affordable and practical for the majority of your guests to give.  So I wouldn't put big appliances on a gift registry.
  

  6) We both have BIG families, so our wedding invite list is large and we're at our max for the dinner. Yet there are still some people that I work with that I thought it might be a nice gesture to invite them to the dance. Is it indeed a nice gesture or should I just not invite them at all for fear that they take it in the "You weren't important enough to invite to the dinner" way?

  This would be tiered hospitality and it's rude.  If you invite anyone, they have to be invited to the whole event-not just for dancing.  It does indeed say "You weren't important enough to make the main events" and that's a very offensive thing to say.
  

  7) Wedding favors - are they really necessary? I've been at a lot of weddings where hardly anyone takes their favor from the table and then the B&G are left with boxes of leftovers, so are they really necessary to have? Just seems like an extra thing that might not matter but set me straight if I'm wrong.
  

  They aren't necessary and usually aren't missed when they are omitted.
  

  8) Wedding showers - my BM's would like to host one near the town that I live in and my cousin (in another province) would also like to host one out there for our friends & family. Is it ok to have two?
  

  As long as they are not hosted by the same persons, there is no crossover with the guest lists, and the hosts are not close family or friends, you should be fine.
  

  9) FI thought of the idea of having a shuttle to take guests home, I think it's an unnecessary added cost considering most of the hotels are within walking distance (small town). Thoughts?
  

  This is optional.  If you're worried about anyone driving home intoxicated, it could be a helpful way to head off drunken driving.  But you don't have to do it.
  

  10) Accommodations for BM's & GM's - The GM and G are going to stay at our house the night before the wedding. We plan on booking a B&B for myself and the BM's (which we plan to pay for). What about the BM's husbands? I don't have a problem with them staying at the B&B also or is that not good? What about the night of the wedding, am I expected to pay for their hotel room that night as well? (Personally, I've always had to pay for my own hotel room as a BM but wondered about that).
  

  You would need to book spouses and SOs along with the BMs and GMs who are married or in relationships.  But you are not required to pay for their hotel rooms unless you require them to stay anywhere specific.
  

  11) Dresses, shoes etc - BM or bride pay for these? Or is it ok to have the BM's pay for these as long as I don't choose a really pricey dress in a style they'll never wear again? What about groomsmen's tuxes?
  

  BMs and GMs pay for their main outfits.  If you require any specific accessories, you pay for those; otherwise, they do.
  

  12) Gifts - I saw somewhere that it was a major faux pas to give the bridesmaids jewellery. Why? I actually had planned to do that and found something for each of my BM's something that I know they don't have and probably wouldn't go out and splurge on buying for themselves. It's not really so they look a certain way or match or anything like that. (We actually haven't even discussed BM's dresses yet).
  

  The idea is that you don't offer as "gifts" something you require them to wear as part of their wedding ensembles.  That would be a gift to you-not to them.  If you want to give jewelry, then you have to not require that it be worn at your wedding.
  
  

  
  

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  October 2013

  Devonshire22 said:

  We haven't decided how long the gap will be. Perhaps ceremony at 2:30, ending about 3pm? Then dinner at about 6pm?

  I honestly don't think I've ever been to a wedding that hasn't had drink tickets or an open bar. I guess we'll be faux pas on that one.

  Yep that's what I thought about the Honeymoon registry. We'll axe that idea!

  Also confirms what I thought about the "dance" portion.

  The jewellery is kinda both. Something that'd be nice for them to wear on the day of but also something they could definitely wear again. We're not talking cheap, tacky costume jewellery either.

  Do you mean that you will be faux pas because you will be having an open bar compared to all the other weddings or are you saying you will be faux pas because you are ignoring the advice and going with your original idea?

  
  

  Just because something is done a lot does not mean that it is right or not rude to your guests.

  
  

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• SlothGoals member

  

  October 2013

  Maggie0829 said:

  Devonshire22 said:

  We haven't decided how long the gap will be. Perhaps ceremony at 2:30, ending about 3pm? Then dinner at about 6pm?

  I honestly don't think I've ever been to a wedding that hasn't had drink tickets or an open bar. I guess we'll be faux pas on that one.

  Yep that's what I thought about the Honeymoon registry. We'll axe that idea!

  Also confirms what I thought about the "dance" portion.

  The jewellery is kinda both. Something that'd be nice for them to wear on the day of but also something they could definitely wear again. We're not talking cheap, tacky costume jewellery either.

  Do you mean that you will be faux pas because you will be having an open bar compared to all the other weddings or are you saying you will be faux pas because you are ignoring the advice and going with your original idea?

  
  

  Just because something is done a lot does not mean that it is right or not rude to your guests.

  This this this! Please rethink having a partial cash bar. I too am from Canada and I've only ever attended two cash bar weddings in my life and both times I left early because I couldn't even drink water without paying. It is rued to expect your guests to foot part of the bill of a party you are hosting.

   

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• speedyblazer11 member

  

  October 2013

  Just want to double check some things as we go along on our planning process and make sure we're not going to make any major faux pas. After reading a bit through the board, there seems like a lot a bride & groom can do wrong.

  1) I've seen a lot of talk about the space between ceremony & reception - we are having our ceremony at one spot and the reception a short drive away. After the ceremony, we are planning to provide some beverages (lemonade, iced tea and some alcoholic beverages for those who are not driving) and snacks at the ceremony site so people can wander & enjoy the gardens, mingle and have a refreshment. My hope is to keep people from driving back into town and drinking themselves silly at the bar before the reception. Good idea? Also, how long should this be hosted for? Or just keep going until everybody has gone to the reception?

  Need more info. If you are having a large gap (more than an hour and a half) between ceremony and reception then I would host it the entire time between C&R and call it your "cocktail" hour. If you don't have a large gap then, you can host it as long/short as you want I would think.
  

  2) Should we still have a cocktail hour before the dinner? (I'm thinking yes)  With more snacks and finger food?
  

  
  See above answer. IMO you are being very nice to your guests if you are feeding them this much
  

  3) We have some people that I'm concerned will get "floor licking drunk" if there's an open bar. Plus we've been advised by a lot of people that so much alcohol gets wasted at an open bar because someone will set something down, wander over to talk to someone, forget about it and just go get another. So we're thinking of doing cocktail hour free, 2 or 3 drink tickets and then a "toonie" bar ($2 coin here in Canada). We don't want to be totally faux pas by having a full priced, cash bar but we also don't want to provide a full blown open bar for the above reasons stated. (I know... open bar would be better etiquette...) My question is, is there any way that we can prevent people from getting totally obliterated at our wedding aside from having a dry wedding?
  

  no there really isn't a good way to prevent drunkenness other than to just trust your guests not to get smashed.  I think etiquette wise you should do a open bar the full time if you are planning to do it.  Most people on these boards (myself included) find it a bit tacky to give it all for a certain amount of time then take it away.
  

  4) I've seen this mentioned on a few posts already... the "Honeyfund", is this a really horrible idea? (I have a feeling the answer is most definitely yes.) We kinda considered it as we've been living together for quite some time & have most everything we need and thought it might be a nice alternative to a gift registry but it seems weird.
  

  your right, awful idea.  If you really want money, then I would tell the biggest gossip or whoever throws your shower (if someone does) that you are saving up for -insert big purchase here- and that you are also registered at wherever.  Some people are going to buy you house stuff might as well try and get what you want.
  

  5) Gift registry - where is the appropriate place/time to let people know of where you are registered for gifts? It's bad etiquette to put it on the invite, correct? What about things on the registry - ie big items. I've seen that before where someone will put a fancy new washer & dryer on the registry and I'm thinking "Wow, really??". I personally feel awkward putting big ticket items on a registry because it seems greedy. 
  

  Never ever ever put registry stuff on the invite. Lurk a little, it ends badly Spread the registry news by word of mouth or put it on your website.  I don't see a big problem with putting high priced stuff of the registry (FI registered for a new big screen and recliner *eye roll*) just don't expect to actually receive it, and yes some ppl will think it's greedy.
  

  
  

  6) We both have BIG families, so our wedding invite list is large and we're at our max for the dinner. Yet there are still some people that I work with that I thought it might be a nice gesture to invite them to the dance. Is it indeed a nice gesture or should I just not invite them at all for fear that they take it in the "You weren't important enough to invite to the dinner" way?
  

  Don't do a tiered reception. It is rude and they ones that came in late will know that they were no special enough to make the main event.
  

  
  

  7) Wedding favors - are they really necessary? I've been at a lot of weddings where hardly anyone takes their favor from the table and then the B&G are left with boxes of leftovers, so are they really necessary to have? Just seems like an extra thing that might not matter but set me straight if I'm wrong.
  

  No not necessary.  Nice to have if you have something special in mind, but who really wants something with you and FI monogram? No one other than maybe you moms.  If you really want to do something then food is really big right now.
  

  8) Wedding showers - my BM's would like to host one near the town that I live in and my cousin (in another province) would also like to host one out there for our friends & family. Is it ok to have two?

  Yes it is ok to have two, just try to avoid overlapping the guest list other than the have to be there ppl.  If you overlap the whole list it seems greedy or some people might just not come to the second one at all.
  

  9) FI thought of the idea of having a shuttle to take guests home, I think it's an unnecessary added cost considering most of the hotels are within walking distance (small town). Thoughts?
  

  It is a nice thought, but you don't have to have one. 
  

  10) Accommodations for BM's & GM's - The GM and G are going to stay at our house the night before the wedding. We plan on booking a B&B for myself and the BM's (which we plan to pay for). What about the BM's husbands? I don't have a problem with them staying at the B&B also or is that not good? What about the night of the wedding, am I expected to pay for their hotel room that night as well? (Personally, I've always had to pay for my own hotel room as a BM but wondered about that).
  

  I would give them option of staying with you at the B&B but if it were me I'd want to stay with my husband. I think you said you are from Canada so it might be a normal thing there, but if I was going out of town for a wedding even if I was a BM I would be staying with my man.
  

  11) Dresses, shoes etc - BM or bride pay for these? Or is it ok to have the BM's pay for these as long as I don't choose a really pricey dress in a style they'll never wear again? What about groomsmen's tuxes?
  

  You should ask their budgets FIRST, then only look at styles in that price range. IF you go outside their budget you pay, this goes for the BM and GM.  And if you do pay for them please don't call it their "gift", because it's not a gift, it's a uniform.  A beautiful uniform I'm sure but a uniform the same.
  

  12) Gifts - I saw somewhere that it was a major faux pas to give the bridesmaids jewellery. Why? I actually had planned to do that and found something for each of my BM's something that I know they don't have and probably wouldn't go out and splurge on buying for themselves. It's not really so they look a certain way or match or anything like that. (We actually haven't even discussed BM's dresses yet). 

  Normally brides give matchy matchy jewelery that they make their BMs wear at the wedding for their gift, and like above it is NOT a gift.  If you are buying them jewelry that matches their personality and you would get them the same thing for xmas, then I don't have a problem with that.
  
  I think that's all I've got for right now... Thanks for your input!
  

  I should say that I am not an expert like some of the lovely knot ladies so if I done a bad job ladies let me know! Your ideas seem well intended so far, so good luck and I'm sure you will have a beautiful day!Good luck!
  

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• Grabows14 member

  

  October 2013

  Maggie0829 said:

  Devonshire22 said:

  We haven't decided how long the gap will be. Perhaps ceremony at 2:30, ending about 3pm? Then dinner at about 6pm?

  I honestly don't think I've ever been to a wedding that hasn't had drink tickets or an open bar. I guess we'll be faux pas on that one.

  Yep that's what I thought about the Honeymoon registry. We'll axe that idea!

  Also confirms what I thought about the "dance" portion.

  The jewellery is kinda both. Something that'd be nice for them to wear on the day of but also something they could definitely wear again. We're not talking cheap, tacky costume jewellery either.

  Do you mean that you will be faux pas because you will be having an open bar compared to all the other weddings or are you saying you will be faux pas because you are ignoring the advice and going with your original idea?

  
  

  Just because something is done a lot does not mean that it is right or not rude to your guests.

  Tradition =/= etiquette 

  

  Report3 Reply
• cowgirl8238 member

  

  October 2013

  PP's have pretty much completely covered this already but I would like to add in another way that #3 wouldn't work.  I don't drink acohol, but my FI does, so I would just end up giving him my tickets and boom...someone now has 6 drink titckets (enough to get most people tipsy to drunk).  Also I have a friend who is pretty much wasted by her second beer.  (really skinny and an overall light weight).  If there is a cash option, there is nothing stopping someone from buying extra drinks either.

  Having a cash bar or drink tickets is rude.  Also what you are planning will in NO WAY prevent someone who wants to get drunk from getting drunk. 

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• phira member

  

  October 2013

  1) I would maybe recommend not having beverages and snacks at the ceremony location--have them at the reception location instead. That way, there's no reason to stick around the ceremony site and be late for the reception. Plan for a gap no longer than an hour if your reception is just a short drive away.

  2) I'd take the gap you're talking about above, and turn it into your cocktail hour.

  3) You cannot control how much people drink at your wedding unless you have a dry wedding. If you're terribly worried, you can talk with the bartenders and make it clear that people need to be cut off after a certain amount. Do not charge your guests for alcohol.

  4) Just have a small registry for upgrade items. Don't ask for money, but you'll probably get a lot.

  5) If you're having a bridal shower, it's appropriate to put the info on the invitation. If you have a wedding website, you can have a page for the registry. I don't think there's a dollar amount per item to try to stay under, but we're going to try to stay under $200 per item (stand mixer is something we want, and that'll cost about $200). Have a variety of items that are less expensive--your broke-er friends and family with thank you.

  6) It's not a nice gesture. It's okay if you can't afford to invite them to your wedding.

  7) They're NOT necessary. We're only doing them because my partner desperately wants to. I feel like paying thousands of dollars for the venue and catering and booze should be enough.

  8) It's okay to have two, but try not to have too much overlap on your guest lists. It's also okay to decline a shower if you want to.

  9) If the hotels are in REAL walking distance (like, in heels), then sure, maybe no shuttle. If you can afford a shuttle, it's a nice idea. We will look into it when we do our hotel blocks.

  10) I don't think you should pay for separate accommodations for the bridesmaids' and groomsmen's significant others. However, you should NOT require them to stay where you've decided (the B&B or your house) if they'd rather spend the night with their partners.

  11) It's WONDERFUL if you can pay for the tux rentals or the bridesmaids' dresses, but it's the one thing they're expected to pay for themselves (that you don't have to foot the bill for). As long as you're respectful of their budgets (so, ask them first!!) and you're not picking a style/color that you know most of them will feel horrible wearing, then it's your call which dress/tux they need to buy/rent.

  12) So, the idea is that you should get them a thank-you gift that is NOT something you're requiring for the wedding. If you want them to all have their hair and make-up professionally done, you need to pay for it ... and it shouldn't be their gift. If you want them to all wear a certain necklace, you need to pay for it ... and it shouldn't be their gift. If you are buying them jewelry as their gift and it's NOT jewelry you're expecting them to wear at the wedding, then go for it.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• CTYankeeBride member

  

  October 2013

  I would add that beyond inviting people to dance and not for dinner being rude, it could be a big problem for your venue. If your max is budgetary this may not apply but it's still rude to do that to guests. Most venues set their maximum guest counts at what is allowed by fire codes. Having x number of people seated for dinner may be all that is allowed for that reason, or based on what the plumbing can handle or any other reason that the venue is legally responsible for imposing. Inviting people in that weren't counted as guests could make that a big problem. Even if that isn't an issue, you have now added people that will be drinking and they weren't paid for in the head count you agreed upon with the venue. I have seen a wedding shut down for this, please don't do it.

  

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• Devonshire22 member

  

  October 2013

  kristbot said:

  Devonshire22 said:

  We haven't decided how long the gap will be. Perhaps ceremony at 2:30, ending about 3pm? Then dinner at about 6pm?

  I honestly don't think I've ever been to a wedding that hasn't had drink tickets or an open bar. I guess we'll be faux pas on that one.

  Yep that's what I thought about the Honeymoon registry. We'll axe that idea!

  Also confirms what I thought about the "dance" portion.

  The jewellery is kinda both. Something that'd be nice for them to wear on the day of but also something they could definitely wear again. We're not talking cheap, tacky costume jewellery either.

  Your gap is far too long. Either push back the ceremony time or push up the time the reception starts. Why can't you have the ceremony start at 5:15 and the reception start at 6 with 15 min travel time in the middle?

  
  And do pictures when??

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• Devonshire22 member

  

  October 2013

  Maggie0829 said:

  Devonshire22 said:

  We haven't decided how long the gap will be. Perhaps ceremony at 2:30, ending about 3pm? Then dinner at about 6pm?

  I honestly don't think I've ever been to a wedding that hasn't had drink tickets or an open bar. I guess we'll be faux pas on that one.

  Yep that's what I thought about the Honeymoon registry. We'll axe that idea!

  Also confirms what I thought about the "dance" portion.

  The jewellery is kinda both. Something that'd be nice for them to wear on the day of but also something they could definitely wear again. We're not talking cheap, tacky costume jewellery either.

  Do you mean that you will be faux pas because you will be having an open bar compared to all the other weddings or are you saying you will be faux pas because you are ignoring the advice and going with your original idea?

  
  

  Just because something is done a lot does not mean that it is right or not rude to your guests.

  No, I'm saying I think we've got a major cultural difference between where most of the people on this board are coming from and where I'm coming from. I'm saying, I've never, ever been to a wedding, in my entire life that was open bar and most of the people I have talked to, haven't either. Open bar is a pretty obtuse thought at weddings up here. Most people look at me funny if I start talking about an open bar and say something along the lines of "You're nuts to have an open bar.". I realize it's apparently the worst sin a bride & groom can commit according to this board.
  

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• Dreamergirl8812 member

  

  October 2013

  Paging all the Canadians on TK. There's a bunch of them and they get pretty offended when you lump them with the rude cash bar people.
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  Report2 Reply
• Devonshire22 member

  

  October 2013

  LOL Ok then.

  Report0 Reply
• SlothGoals member

  

  October 2013

  Devonshire22 said:

  kristbot said:

  Devonshire22 said:

  We haven't decided how long the gap will be. Perhaps ceremony at 2:30, ending about 3pm? Then dinner at about 6pm?

  I honestly don't think I've ever been to a wedding that hasn't had drink tickets or an open bar. I guess we'll be faux pas on that one.

  Yep that's what I thought about the Honeymoon registry. We'll axe that idea!

  Also confirms what I thought about the "dance" portion.

  The jewellery is kinda both. Something that'd be nice for them to wear on the day of but also something they could definitely wear again. We're not talking cheap, tacky costume jewellery either.

  Your gap is far too long. Either push back the ceremony time or push up the time the reception starts. Why can't you have the ceremony start at 5:15 and the reception start at 6 with 15 min travel time in the middle?

  
  And do pictures when??

  Before the ceremony and during the cocktail hour. Pictures shouldn't take hours and hours.

   

  Report3 Reply
• Devonshire22 member

  

  October 2013

  Before the ceremony? I can't say I've ever heard of that. Aren't you kinda supposed to wait until the ceremony to see your husband to be?

  Report0 Reply
• KatWAG member

  

  October 2013

  Yes, before the ceremony. I took all of our pictures before the ceremony and was able to enjoy the entire cocktail hour. If you don't want to see your groom before, take as many pics with you BP and family before hand. Then take pictures with your groom right after the ceremony. It shouldn't take more than 20 minutes with a skilled photographer.

  

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• Devonshire22 member

  

  October 2013

  Hmm.. Now that's an interesting idea. And your makeup/hair would be nice & fresh. I kinda like it!

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• mysticl member

  

  October 2013

  Our wedding was from 12-12:30.  Cocktail hour was officially from 1-2, however, people were allowed in the reception site as soon as they got there and the cocktail hour food was already set out.  We took pictures after the ceremony (the chapel did not allow pre-ceremony photos) stopped at the uniform shop (wedding was on a Navy base) to get DH a new pair of shoes and still managed to attend about half of our cocktail hour which allowed lunch to be served right on time.  

  

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• SP29 member

  

  October 2013

  Agree with the above.

  
  

  You can do pictures in between your ceremony and reception, but keep that time minimal (1-2 hours, including any travel time) and hosted. I would only have one "cocktail" hour (you don't need to have alcohol during this time, but something to drink and eat), most commonly done at the reception venue. 

  
  

  If you don't want a lot of "things" then keep your registry small (why ask about putting big things on a registry if you don't want them? But I would side-eye a washer and dryer). Some people do not ever give money as gifts, so it is good to have a few items that you would like for those guests. Otherwise though, keep the registry small and people will get the idea. Also, if any guests ask your family and bridal party they can say something like "So and So are registered at X, but I know they are also saving up for a honeymoon/house/etc". 

  
  

  It is OK to have two showers, but I would keep the guest lists separate. 

  
  

  For your bar (and I am from Canada)- host what you can afford so that your guests don't have to open their wallets. I have been to weddings that gave limited tickets, or had a toonie bar. Most people don't bring a lot of money (if any) to a wedding event. Think of a hosting a wedding like you would host a dinner party at your house- would you offer your guests wine with dinner only if they wanted to pay? 

  
  

  If someone wants to get drunk, they will get drunk either way. It's up to them to control that. One thing you could do if you wanted to keep things "limited" is to offer beer/wine only, or beer/wine with a signature drink or two. 

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• AroundTheBlock member

  

  October 2013

  Hello, Devonshire! I have been quite enjoying your discourse. It is nice to hear a fresh voice. Will it be alright with you if I reply to your questions one or two or a few at a time? But before I do ...
  
  One of the basic principles of classical etiquette, is that it is about helping people get along together. It may not be "good manners" to eat the delicate lace doily under your pastry, but it is said that when a foreign dignitary made that mistake at one of Queen Victoria's suppers, she did the same to prevent his noticing his mistake. I recall a similar story about a gracious American hostess whose guest broke a priceless teacup; as he apologized in embarrassment the hostess said "oh, these old things?" and negligently snapped the handle off of hers -- despite the fact that deliberately breaking chinaware is also "bad manners". The thing is that both these ladies are quoted as etiquette examples, because they put their guests' comfort above the letter of the etiquette laws. In the same vein, the American nineteenth-century etiquette author Samuel Wells writes "You may be right and the others wrong but that does not alter the case. Convince them, if you can, and bring them to your pitch, but never mar even a low accord."
  
  All of which goes to say that, although standard etiquette has a number of wedding rules, you may find that in your community and family, and your fiance's community and family, different expectations may prevail. If following the rules of etiquette is going to hurt more feelings than it protects, you may need to rely on your judgment to determine what the acceptable practices are within your social circle. Far better you should adjust for the expectations of your guests than force standard etiquette -- or even "knot etiquette" which may be different again -- onto people who are getting along just fine with their non-standard etiquette.
  
  1) According to standard etiquette, a post-event reception follows immediately upon the conclusion of the event, whatever it is. Your "wander-around-the-gardens-with-refreshments" reception actually sounds quite pleasant. But were you planning on being there to host it? Or are you running off to do photographs, as most brides do during the gap? If the latter, then you aren't really hosting the garden-wander, just funding it. Assuming that, as host and hostess, you will be present waiting at the door to the dinner venue to greet their guests as they arrive, and assuming that the garden-wandering period is less than an hour, I am not finding a sound etiquette reason to rule against it -- but I don't like it and I wouldn't do it.
  
  Here's a piece of wedding-industry heresy: your wedding photos are not nearly as important as you think they are. You need a good portrait of yourself in your wedding dress: have that done prior to the wedding at a studio when you are trying on your dress. Ditto for your fiance. On the wedding day get one group portrait with your wedding party, and one with your wedding party and extended family -- you can stage that at the reception venue while your non-family guests are having cocktails. Twenty years from now -- which will fly past, assuming that you really have found Mr Right -- those lace-trimmed thick albums would be collecting dust in an attic and those four portraits are all that are likely to be on display anywhere. Photographers may not want the fact advertised, but you don't need to invest nearly as much time or money in photographs as has become common.
  

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