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mother-in-law showed her true colors- how should I handle this?

fmcannonfmcannon member
First Comment
in Wedding Party

So from the benning me and his mother have had an awesome relationship. I have included her in my thoughts and decisions of how I would like the wedding to go. From the beginning I told her who was on my side and the roles the little ones will play. I have a 5 year old DD that I want to shine in the wedding as much as I do, to the point that she has her own small wedding cake, he doesn't have children. We have been engaged since the end of June and the other day she wrote me an email knowing my schedule and knowing I would be off work and wouldn't see it till the next day, I saw her and her daughter the night she wrote the email and nothing was out of sort. The email stated that I have hurt her and her daughters feeling for not including her grandchildren in the wedding, that she understands it is my wedding but those are his sister's kids and I should have made them flower girl and ring bearer. And I hurt her feeling and her nieces feeling for not letting her be the JR bridesmaid. That I should she feels like I should rethink things and if I hate her for her getting that off her chest then so be it she will just stay away.

Well from the start her grandson was to be the ring bearer and as far as the flower girl, I have told them multiple times, I wanted my DD to be the only flower girl. That I wanted my DD to feel special. My niece is the only JR bridesmaid. His nephew is the only ring bearer. So he has his nephew as an active role and I have my niece as an active role. I have another niece and two nephews that are greeters and his niece is to be a greeter with them. My cousin and his cousin (that I didn't make are JR bridesmaid) are both cake cutters. All the roles have been even. I have included eveyone in this and my family accepted their roles and were happy but his family feel like they are above it and should be more.

I am 13 years older than my niece that is a JR bridesmaid, so I grew up with her and she is more like a sister. And me nor my future hubby are very close to his cousin. She has always lived away and even when she is in town he doesn't go out of his way to see her. To begin with my FH agreed with me completely he said his niece was too little to be a flower girl, that she coulnd't even walk yet I explained that she would be able to walk by then but that I just want my DD to be the only flower girl and then he said that it didn't matter what role I put his cousin as, she would complain. And then he went to talk to his mother and basically tell her that he agrees with me, well when he come back everythign was flipped and he pretty much told me who I was going to have in the wedding and the roles they were going to be. Which caused a huge fuss. It has really broke me down because I never thought this would happen. She has always went above and beyond to point out how my DD needs to have special parts in this and now she is taking it away but pushing for her granddaughter to be a flowergirl too. His mother told him to suggest I have 3 flower girls, my older nephew be a JR and his cousin be a JR and 2 ring bearers.

And I know people my ask this so here is the answer: NO, his family is NOT paying for the wedding. None of my family members are loaded. We are an average middle class family. I have a mom\stepdad & a dad\stepmom I have 1 sister and 1stepsis\bro on both sides. My mom and stepdad have a DD and my brother is a POS and so they have taken in his exGF and my nephew and are helping the two girls get through school while they work part-time. His parents are still together and are from a wealthy family in our town. I have explained to him that my family do not have the money for me to keep adding roles to our wedding party and my older sister has 3 kids and is going through a divorce, so she doesn't have the money to pay for the 1 tux, and 3 dresses. The wedding is outside near a lake and he keeps trying to make it a very formal event. When I want casual and affordable for all involved. He wasn't pushing all of this until he went and talked to him mother.

Sorry this is alot but I need some suggestions because I have a full out break down!  

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Re: mother-in-law showed her true colors- how should I handle this?

  • fmcannonfmcannon member
    First Comment

    Sorry, it was a lot so I wasn't as specific as I should have been. I understant the kids will run around and all of that, so those roles are just basically to include them. I will not have programs to hand out I don't have a pretty guest book to sign, I will just have water on ice for the guest. The kids are there to look cute more than anything. This from the start was supposed to be an extremely casual\non traditional wedding. And the cakes cutters are teens. So they know what to do and both mothers have agreed to help them and excited to help the girl. And yes my DD is a big part of this for both me and him, considering he is doing the vows to recieve a child. And her having her own cake was my FMIL's idea because of that. She even wanted me use a picute of me him and my DD for newpaper announcement. That is how much this has flipped and came out of no where for me! I have 6 bridesmaids 1 JR (3of my friends have been cut b\c he doesn't have enough friends to match), he has (5picked\1undecided) groomsmen, we have a big party already, I don't like the wedding and we are playing 1 song for everyone to walk down the isle to and is a small reason why I don't want multiple flowergirls\ring bearers holding up the flow.  The kids are going to run around and do whatever anyways that is why I would rather have them running around the field before the wedding vs walking down the isle then running around while the ceremony is going on. But more than the flowergirl issue, they were trying to push his cousin off on me are a JR bridesmaid and as I tried to explain I am suppose to have the people that are close and speacial to me. I have already included his sister to my side because we are close. I have no special bond with his cousin. She is rude to my DD, very dramatic and acts like everyone owes her something and I don't have time for it, especially on that day and they days leading up to it. We discussed the wedding and how it would go, for almost a year before we got engaged and everything was how we discussed it until now. And trust me not all of the kids have a role. I have VERY close to my family and have 12 babies\kids\tweens that have my heart so I have cut out  A LOT of kids that I would have loved to have in my wedding. We both have a big family.

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  • fmcannonfmcannon member
    First Comment

    *wedding march song

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  • fmcannonfmcannon member
    First Comment
    At this point I have a million things rolling around in my head everything I have planned and discussed with him and my FMIL, is turned upside down. What was ok now isn't what was competely casual is now being pushed toward formal. I am just very overwhelmed at this point. But it is still to be held in a hay field by a lake and the reception is a backyard reception. For the reception my FMIL insists that I have the pool open w\ life guard on duty for the kids to swim because it is what her DD had. And her DD and 4 flowergirls and 3 JR bridesmaids.
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited October 2013
    Opps, reread it. Stand your ground and stop sharing with his mom.
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  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Have the wedding you and your FI want.  Include the people in your wedding party, including ring bearers and flower girls, you and your FI want.  I agree with Maggie0829, these kids shouldn't have jobs.  If you don't want a pool open (which sounds ridiculous at a wedding and frankly, I would want to watch my kid even if there is a lifeguard) then don't have the pool open.  Have your FI talk to your FMIL to tell her that she is being out of line.  Then, stop talking anything wedding with her.  
    image
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  • tammym1001tammym1001 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    fmcannon said:
    At this point I have a million things rolling around in my head everything I have planned and discussed with him and my FMIL, is turned upside down. What was ok now isn't what was competely casual is now being pushed toward formal. I am just very overwhelmed at this point. But it is still to be held in a hay field by a lake and the reception is a backyard reception. For the reception my FMIL insists that I have the pool open w\ life guard on duty for the kids to swim because it is what her DD had. And her DD and 4 flowergirls and 3 JR bridesmaids.
    Whose backyard is the wedding reception in? Is it FMIL's? 

    Also, because I used to own a bakery I have been put on the spot a few times at friend's weddings and asked to cut the cake (I'm guessing because they didn't want to pay the caterer the extra charge to do it) and I've always done it. I absolutely hate it. As a professional it takes me at least 30 minutes to take apart and cut a wedding cake. It's a horrible job and I end up missing part of the wedding because they do other things while they are waiting for me to get the cake cut. If you insist on having these teens cut the cake please have a back up plan because I can almost guarantee they are going to want to stop doing it before they are even halfway through. 
    image
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  • fmcannonfmcannon member
    First Comment
    Not everyone wants to be on a reality show. And as far as me wanting my DD to shine, it was meant as I just want her to feel special. Not like a glitz girl. And don't bash the receiving of a child if you have never been to a wedding where it was done. It is very sweet and it's just when the step-father\step-mother promises to love her\him and treat her\him as his\her own. Which is what more people should do because if my FI can't accept her as his own then we don't need to be together and it wasn't something he was forced to do I explained the option and he was all for it. He already treats her like his DD but he wants to make that promise to her infront of God and our family.
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  • fmcannonfmcannon member
    First Comment

    It is the FMIL's backyard. And I didn't ask for it to be there it was suggested several times to have it there. And both my aunt and sister do wedding cakes. And I have been a cake cutter for weddings multiple times, I know what it takes to cut the wedding cake. Which is why my cousin (the DD of the person making my cake) is my cake cutter. She understands what all it takes to do it. And my aunt is willing to help her. His niece just has to cut a red velvet sheet cake which won't take long at all. I am not putting anyone out or assigning them a role that they were given the option to turn down. I have not formally asked anyone to do anything yet because I didn't want them to feel obligated to do it. This was 2 months ago that all of this was agreed to and now it's a problem with his mom. The venue isn't a big deal to me, I can have it somewhere else. But that is what he wanted, so it isn't because we are too cheep to have it somewhere else and pay someone to cut the cake.

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  • fmcannonfmcannon member
    First Comment
    Well the thing is I am not paying anyone to do the food, they will actually be the guest at the wedding because they are my family. My mother owned a restaurant for 10 years and then sold it because she wanted to be able to do more with her kids. So it is hard to keep the caterer and guests separate. We have done this for all of the weddings in our family, so it's kind of tradition at this point. My mom, grandparents cook and one of my aunt or my sister does the wedding cake. My family doesn't smile in your face and then roll their eyes to your back for having to do it. We are honored to be a part of it. And our kids are happy to have a part in the wedding. Regardless of how kids have been in weddings you have been to, our kids feel exceptional even if its a little parts like that. They get excited about telling people hey and welcome and in the end handing out bird seed pouch or bubbles. So they are there to look cute and to feel special.  
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  • fmcannonfmcannon member
    First Comment

    If you have never been to a wedding where they do vows to a child, you should def see it before you knock it. It is sweet and not creepy at all. And the child doesn't receit vows back. It's more like a promise that either the step-father or step-mother does. Basically, you say the promise or have the officiant read the promise and you agree to it. And all the promise is, is that you are promising infront of God and your family & friends to love a treat the child as you would your own child.

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  • fmcannonfmcannon member
    First Comment

    Ok, so left me say this a different way because I am getting advice from stuff I did not ask for advice about, the title of this is: mother-in-law showing her true colors... how should I handle this?

    My FMIL supported me and was all for what me and my FI had discussed. I am going into 4 months of planning at this point. I asked people, 2 months ago if they wanted to do certain roles. My FMIL asked me who I was having do what, I told her and she was fine with everything. Not that I asked for her opinion on it anyways. But now she wants to put her opinion in on things and tell me who I should have in my wedding and what role they should play. JR bridesmaid\FG\RB....

    I have everything in mind of what I want and my FI and I had talked and assigned roles before asking if they would want to do it. But now his mom\my FMIL has put it in his head that certain people need a bigger place in my wedding. And I do not feel like they do.

    How should I handle this?

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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Why did your FI do a 180 after talking to his mom?  I think first and foremost, you need to figure out why he turned things around on you and didn't have your back on this.  What has he said when you questioned him on changing your plans?
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  • thelastdreamerthelastdreamer member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer First Anniversary
    edited October 2013
    image
    Too ... much ... text
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  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    If you want to include your daughter, why not have the groom say something nice to her about joining the family during your rehearsal party--just a quick, informal toast with close family rather than special vows and cakes?
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  • LDubHawksFanLDubHawksFan member
    1000 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    fmcannon said:

    Well the thing is I am not paying anyone to do the food, they will actually be the guest at the wedding because they are my family. My mother owned a restaurant for 10 years and then sold it because she wanted to be able to do more with her kids. So it is hard to keep the caterer and guests separate. We have done this for all of the weddings in our family, so it's kind of tradition at this point. My mom, grandparents cook and one of my aunt or my sister does the wedding cake. My family doesn't smile in your face and then roll their eyes to your back for having to do it. We are honored to be a part of it. And our kids are happy to have a part in the wedding. Regardless of how kids have been in weddings you have been to, our kids feel exceptional even if its a little parts like that. They get excited about telling people hey and welcome and in the end handing out bird seed pouch or bubbles. So they are there to look cute and to feel special.  

    Are your family members who are catering your wedding going to do all the prep firing the ceremony? I find it ironic that she sold the restaurant so she could spend more time with family but yet she is going to miss parts of her daughter's wedding day to cook food. I get that you ate trying to have a budget for your reception, but you have up realize that this is a bad idea, right? Even if they make everything that morning and its in dishes for hours, she is not going to be a part of your getting ready and will have to miss part of your pictures after/cocktail hour/reception to put out the good and make final preparations.
    Instead of including everyone under sun, which means presents for everyone, you should have looked into a budget friendly catering option...think BBQ or a local Italian restaurant for pasta and salad. Your family and friends are guests. Don't make them work. It sucks.

    I'm not touching the daughter vows (not appropriate), or Fmil stuff.


    image
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    fmcannon said:

    If you have never been to a wedding where they do vows to a child, you should def see it before you knock it. It is sweet and not creepy at all. And the child doesn't receit vows back. It's more like a promise that either the step-father or step-mother does. Basically, you say the promise or have the officiant read the promise and you agree to it. And all the promise is, is that you are promising infront of God and your family & friends to love a treat the child as you would your own child.

    I've seen it.  It's creepy.  

    Your FI should be marrying you, not your daughter.  With having her shine, her own cake, and him taking vows to her, I can only imagine the crass jokes people will be making.  

    At the very least, people are going to draw the conclusion that your child will be running your married life, just as she obviously runs her mother.  
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The issue isn't with FMIL, it's with your FI. He should be backing you up and telling FMIL how it is.

    Yes, if the wedding is in her backyard, she gets some say in how the wedding is run for the day. But, she doesn't get to choose your WP- that is between you and your FI. 

    So, 1)Forget the e-mail, 2)Stick to your original WP choices, 3) Get on page with your FI, 4) then have FI deal with his mother for all wedding decisions, 5) stop telling your FMIL everything about the wedding, or she will have an opinion to give. 
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  • cideficidefi member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    Stick to what you wanna do. Everybody wants to something when weddings come up. This is about you, your FH, and your kid not everybody else in the freaking family.

    My FH and I have 13 kids between the 2 of us ranging from 22 to 2 years in age. All 13 of our kids will be in the wedding - THAT'S IT. I have 3 daughters 18, 8, and 5 that I gave birth to. He has 3 sons 22, 20, and 2 along with 2 daughters 16, and 14. I also I have joint custody of my sisters kids because she died. They are 13, 9, 6(twins), and 5. His oldest son, and my oldest daughter are the BM and MOH. His 2nd son is a GM, and my 2 younger daughters and his 2 daughters are JBM's. My 3 nieces will be flower girls (2 of them dropping petals, and my sister's oldest daughter carrying a special bouquet for her mother). My oldest nephew will be walking my mom down the aisle, and my youngest nephew will be the broom boy. His youngest son will the RB. I say all of that to say this...FH has stepsiblings who want their kids to be in the wedding because they some how think that they are in the wedding...NOPE. My 1 and only sister is dead and her children are in it to represent her and her memory not because I want kids in the WP. They will play their roles, get down the aisle and take a sit in the front row with the parents. I done already had to crush some folks dreams!!! Im pissed that I had to find something for his sister to do (walk his mother down the aisle and take a sit like everybody else). I hope it works out for you.

    BTW: I'm doing it big for my kids too. They don't get a cake or anything like that. They get a gameroom. I'm having a kids only gameroom set up with a Play Station something, tables for board games, crayons, coloring books, and a special kid friendly menu. I'm even doing cupcakes instead of cake cause kids can handle that better. Good luck~
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    cidefi said:
    Stick to what you wanna do. Everybody wants to something when weddings come up. This is about you, your FH, and your kid not everybody else in the freaking family. My FH and I have 13 kids between the 2 of us ranging from 22 to 2 years in age. All 13 of our kids will be in the wedding - THAT'S IT. I have 3 daughters 18, 8, and 5 that I gave birth to. He has 3 sons 22, 20, and 2 along with 2 daughters 16, and 14. I also I have joint custody of my sisters kids because she died. They are 13, 9, 6(twins), and 5. His oldest son, and my oldest daughter are the BM and MOH. His 2nd son is a GM, and my 2 younger daughters and his 2 daughters are JBM's. My 3 nieces will be flower girls (2 of them dropping petals, and my sister's oldest daughter carrying a special bouquet for her mother). My oldest nephew will be walking my mom down the aisle, and my youngest nephew will be the broom boy. His youngest son will the RB. I say all of that to say this...FH has stepsiblings who want their kids to be in the wedding because they some how think that they are in the wedding...NOPE. My 1 and only sister is dead and her children are in it to represent her and her memory not because I want kids in the WP. They will play their roles, get down the aisle and take a sit in the front row with the parents. I done already had to crush some folks dreams!!! Im pissed that I had to find something for his sister to do (walk his mother down the aisle and take a sit like everybody else). I hope it works out for you. BTW: I'm doing it big for my kids too. They don't get a cake or anything like that. They get a gameroom. I'm having a kids only gameroom set up with a Play Station something, tables for board games, crayons, coloring books, and a special kid friendly menu. I'm even doing cupcakes instead of cake cause kids can handle that better. Good luck~
    This is the worst reason to have kids in the WP.   Anyone, kids or adults, should be in the WP because you WANT them there, not to "represent" anyone, living or deceased.  Asking anyone to be in the WP when you don't want them there is using them, and they pick up on that and feel resentful-even kids.  That's when they get to be troublesome and not do what you want them to do.
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  • Vivandiere8Vivandiere8 member
    250 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    What is a DD?
    image
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