Guest List Problems

kyleroche09 · October 2013

I am having trouble with the final count of our guest list. We want a small wedding somewhere between 120-130 people. I had a guest list all made out and I was ready to send out save the dates. Until my mother in law to be told me she had already sent out her own save the dates for our wedding. I was fine with that thinking "hey saves money for me". until I had found out that she had added people to the guest list from her side of the family. Now our final guest count is at 148 and I am completely stressing out because not only am I freaking out about how we are going to pay for those extra mouths to feed but I also face overcrowding in our venue. I am trying to size down the guest list from what I can (meaning everyone that hasn't received a save the date) and I am getting upset because I feel like its a little more important that my FI and I have the friends and family there that we want the most and it is starting to look like we might have to drop a significant amount of close friends from our guest list. I feel that this is unfair because it is our wedding and we cant even invite our close friends, and yet she sent save the dates out to her "old best friends from high school" and people that my FI doesn't even remember/know. SO to fix the problem I am wondering how rude it would be to send out an invitation that is only inviting some of her people to the dance portion of the reception. I figure I can't just uninvited them but if I invite them to the dance only, then I don't have to worry about over flowing and extra dinners. We are already doing this for some of our coworkers and this is the only thing I can think of that can fix the problem my mother in law to be created. Any advice?

RebeccaB88 · October 2013

Don't invite anyone to just the dance. That's called a tiered reception and is very rude. Everyone needs to be invited to everything. Inviting people to only one part tells them that they aren't important enough to see you get married and feed dinner to, but you just want them to come party and bring you a gift. Even if that's not your intent, it's the way people will see it. It's better to just not invite people if you can't afford to host them.

That said, if your FMIL sent save the dates to people not on the guest list, then it's on her to clean up the mess she made. She was out of line to do that. She will need to call everyone and tell them she was mistaken and acted out of turn, and you will unfortunately not be able to invite them to the wedding. You and your FI need to agree on this and he needs to tell her to do this, and make sure she does. You don't have to invite these people if you're paying for the wedding.

If she is helping your pay for the wedding, she does have some say in the guest list. She doesn't have free reign to go crazy with it, though. In that case, you should let her invite a few people she feels very strongly about, but she must respect the budget and venue rules at the same time.

NYCMercedes · October 2013

kyleroche09 said:

I am having trouble with the final count of our guest list. We want a small wedding somewhere between 120-130 people. I had a guest list all made out and I was ready to send out save the dates. Until my mother in law to be told me she had already sent out her own save the dates for our wedding. I was fine with that thinking "hey saves money for me". until I had found out that she had added people to the guest list from her side of the family. Now our final guest count is at 148 and I am completely stressing out because not only am I freaking out about how we are going to pay for those extra mouths to feed but I also face overcrowding in our venue. I am trying to size down the guest list from what I can (meaning everyone that hasn't received a save the date) and I am getting upset because I feel like its a little more important that my FI and I have the friends and family there that we want the most and it is starting to look like we might have to drop a significant amount of close friends from our guest list. I feel that this is unfair because it is our wedding and we cant even invite our close friends, and yet she sent save the dates out to her "old best friends from high school" and people that my FI doesn't even remember/know. SO to fix the problem I am wondering how rude it would be to send out an invitation that is only inviting some of her people to the dance portion of the reception. I figure I can't just uninvited them but if I invite them to the dance only, then I don't have to worry about over flowing and extra dinners. We are already doing this for some of our coworkers and this is the only thing I can think of that can fix the problem my mother in law to be created. Any advice?

Two things. First, you cannot invite people only to part of your wedding. It's all or nothing. How would you feel, knowing 120 people came before you. Second, your FI needs to address your MIL's faux pas with her. He can ask her how she plans to fix it., ie, how to tell her friends she erred when she invited them. Not only is it your money, it is your desire for your wedding to have it a certain way. How dare she invite her friends to your party! It's not a matter of money, and even if it were, how would she expect to pay for the dinner, including booze, centerpieces, invitations and placecards, linens, etc. Ask him to ask her where she plans to seat those extra people, as the venue is over-capacity.

kitty8403 · October 2013

Oh no. What a mess.
I'm sure the etiquette gurus will be all over this one, but I wouldn't do that, no. The invite to dancing thing is considered rude, too. A STD is not an invitation. It's a heads up that more info is coming, but it is not the real thing. Sounds like you guys need a family powwow to iron this out.

I see two options, not sure how well these will be sanctioned by the etiquette gods
:
Move your venue and adjust your budget for these new guests. Hopefully you don't have a ton of signed contracts that will get in the way of that.

Or, send nice announcement cards/personal letters to the people who shouldn't have been on the guest list, rather than full invitations. Maybe enclose something small for them, like a photo or treat. This updates MIL's friends on her happy news -- guess she's pretty excited for you.

Ladies?

ETA: venue limits often have to do with stuff like fire codes and restrooms. So asking people to dance late still doesn't address your overcrowding problem. May I ask whether you are paying for your wedding on your own?

gailpete · October 2013

This is FMIL's problem and she needs to fix it. Your FI needs to sit her down and tell her what she did was out of bounds and these people will not be invited. She will need to call or write them and let them know that she was out of line, and she is sorry, but they cannot be invited.

If she refuses, she will need to give you a check for the cost of the extra people, as well as the invitations, tables, centerpieces, etc. If your venue can't handle the extra people, she needs to pick up the extra cost for lost deposits and a bigger venue. If the money is not forthcoming, don't send these people invitations (I know if someone gets a STD, they get an invite is proper etiquette. I think OP gets a pass in this case, since it was FMIL that issued the STD and not the OP.)

And, whatever you do, don't give her enough details on locations, times, etc that she can send out her own invitations.

huskypuppy14 · October 2013

kyleroche09 said:

I am having trouble with the final count of our guest list. We want a small wedding somewhere between 120-130 people. I had a guest list all made out and I was ready to send out save the dates. Until my mother in law to be told me she had already sent out her own save the dates for our wedding. I was fine with that thinking "hey saves money for me". until I had found out that she had added people to the guest list from her side of the family. Now our final guest count is at 148 and I am completely stressing out because not only am I freaking out about how we are going to pay for those extra mouths to feed but I also face overcrowding in our venue. I am trying to size down the guest list from what I can (meaning everyone that hasn't received a save the date) and I am getting upset because I feel like its a little more important that my FI and I have the friends and family there that we want the most and it is starting to look like we might have to drop a significant amount of close friends from our guest list. I feel that this is unfair because it is our wedding and we cant even invite our close friends, and yet she sent save the dates out to her "old best friends from high school" and people that my FI doesn't even remember/know. SO to fix the problem I am wondering how rude it would be to send out an invitation that is only inviting some of her people to the dance portion of the reception. I figure I can't just uninvited them but if I invite them to the dance only, then I don't have to worry about over flowing and extra dinners. We are already doing this for some of our coworkers and this is the only thing I can think of that can fix the problem my mother in law to be created. Any advice?

So she just ordered her own save the dates for your wedding, without even discussing it with you? No, oh no, that would not fly with me. She is so out of line with this. Have your FI tell her she needs to contact those people and say she made a mistake and unfortunately they are not invited.

It's not fair that you and your FI would have to reduce your friends to make room for hers.

I have a FMIL that has a lot of friends, and we had to tell her no, you can't invite any more people, the guest list is closed (she already has 13 friends on the list that we ok'd and that was in addition to the allotted amount we gave her).

kyleroche09 · October 2013

unfortunately we have signed a contract so we cannot move the venue with out losing a large amount of money. My fiancé and I are paying for the wedding ourselves and we were only trying to think of a nice way to fix this so everyone would be happy. I know thats not always possible though haha. I totally new to this still and thought inviting them to the dance would be a little better than just uninviting them. My FI is planning to have a very serious talk with her. Thank you for your input!

phira · October 2013

Yeah, no.

Your future mother-in-law is not hosting this party, and she did something completely not-okay.

Come up with YOUR guest list with your fiance. Pretend that your mother-in-law didn't commit a huge mistake--don't try to invite people just because she pretty much did.

After you make your guest list, have your fiance sit down with her and tell her that it was not okay for her to send save-the-dates, which commit you to sending an invitation. He should let her know that you two have your own guest list, and so a lot of people she contacted will not be receiving invitations. If she gets upset, he can tell her that no one made her send those announcements.

A save-the-date does require an invitation to follow. It is very rude to tell someone to save the date for you wedding and then NOT invite them.

It is very rude to invite someone to just the reception, or just to dance (and as previous posters have indicated, you still can't go over the venue limit). You aren't "uninviting" people who you didn't invite in the first place. If you had sent save-the-dates, then yeah, I'd be telling you that it's your mistake to clean up. But you didn't actually do anything wrong.

Jen4948 · October 2013

phira said:

Yeah, no.

Your future mother-in-law is not hosting this party, and she did something completely not-okay.

Come up with YOUR guest list with your fiance. Pretend that your mother-in-law didn't commit a huge mistake--don't try to invite people just because she pretty much did.

After you make your guest list, have your fiance sit down with her and tell her that it was not okay for her to send save-the-dates, which commit you to sending an invitation. He should let her know that you two have your own guest list, and so a lot of people she contacted will not be receiving invitations. If she gets upset, he can tell her that no one made her send those announcements.

A save-the-date does require an invitation to follow. It is very rude to tell someone to save the date for you wedding and then NOT invite them.

It is very rude to invite someone to just the reception, or just to dance (and as previous posters have indicated, you still can't go over the venue limit). You aren't "uninviting" people who you didn't invite in the first place. If you had sent save-the-dates, then yeah, I'd be telling you that it's your mistake to clean up. But you didn't actually do anything wrong.

100%. Your FMIL was out of line to send save-the-dates, and it's up to your FI to make sure she understands this and to correct this problem which is of her own making.

CommitmentCat · October 2013

I agree with Jen4948. Your FI needs to make sure your FMIL corrects the problem. She created the problem, she should fix it. And rather than trying to accommodate her extra guests at the dinner I would try look for ways to accommodate your co-workers. In any given situation, I try imagine how I would feel... and I know that rocking up to a wedding reception that is already pumping, everyone has already eaten, half the guests are boozed up and seen the ceremony and my invite only asked me to come now.... ouch. Regardless of how well I knew the couple in comparison to other people that were invited earlier, I would spend the entire evening feeling second rate and just wanting to leave. That's just not a nice feeling. But then again, I am somewhat sensitive.

climbingsingle · October 2013

Holy crap. I would be furious if my FMIL did that! She's not hosting the party, therefore she doesn't get to invite whatever people she wants. I agree with the PPs - your FMIL needs to fix this. She will have to inform these people that she was mistaken and that they won't be able to attend.

cowgirl8238 · October 2013

kyleroche09 said:

I am having trouble with the final count of our guest list. We want a small wedding somewhere between 120-130 people. I had a guest list all made out and I was ready to send out save the dates. Until my mother in law to be told me she had already sent out her own save the dates for our wedding. I was fine with that thinking "hey saves money for me". until I had found out that she had added people to the guest list from her side of the family. Now our final guest count is at 148 and I am completely stressing out because not only am I freaking out about how we are going to pay for those extra mouths to feed but I also face overcrowding in our venue. I am trying to size down the guest list from what I can (meaning everyone that hasn't received a save the date) and I am getting upset because I feel like its a little more important that my FI and I have the friends and family there that we want the most and it is starting to look like we might have to drop a significant amount of close friends from our guest list. I feel that this is unfair because it is our wedding and we cant even invite our close friends, and yet she sent save the dates out to her "old best friends from high school" and people that my FI doesn't even remember/know. SO to fix the problem I am wondering how rude it would be to send out an invitation that is only inviting some of her people to the dance portion of the reception. I figure I can't just uninvited them but if I invite them to the dance only, then I don't have to worry about over flowing and extra dinners. We are already doing this for some of our coworkers and this is the only thing I can think of that can fix the problem my mother in law to be created. Any advice?

Two things I see wring with this:

1: Your FMIL over stepped her boundaries and made a major faux paus by sending out STD's to people not on your original guest list. Your FI should be the one to fix this, and your FMIL should eb the one to explain what she did wrong.

2: Inviting people to only the dance portion of your reception is considered and tiered reception which is very rude!!! I understand that you want to include everyone but you cannot do this. Not with your co-workers or the extra guests your FMIL (esentially) invited.

The best way to fix this is to either include them if you can, or have the FMIL tell them she was in error and was just overly excited about your upcomming wedding, but they are not invited. You can send them an annoucement of your marriage if you like but do this the day after you are married. As for the co-workers, and anyone else you were planning to invite to the "dancing only" part of the reception, you cannot do that so please take them off your list and do not send them any invitations. Not to your shower or to your B-Party either!! This will make those guests feel second best and you do not want to come of rude.

annathy03 · October 2013

Definitely don't do the tiered thing, I know you're trying to find a middle ground because of what your FMIL did, but like PPs said it's rude, and IMHO worse than not being invited at all.

Sounds like this is already your plan, but go over your guest list NOT making cuts to your own list and see if you have any spaces that you could give her (you don't have to, but it's good for FI to have the number when he talks to her if you guys are giving her any slots), as well as making a list of any overlapping guests like family that you guys already are including.

Have FI show her the overlap list and tell FMIL that she was out of line to send her own save the dates without clearing it with you guys and you can't accommodate her friends because of budget and venue capacity limits, and if you are able to give her any slots that she can invite X people, including spouses. This was a huge mistake on her part and she will need to correct it by calling her friends that are not invited and letting them know.

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

Maybe it's because my MIL pissed me off yesterday, but I am so furious on your behalf! That woman has a set of balls on her! I would go with Phira's suggestion. This is FMIL's mess to clean up. She tried pushing you two into a corner by sending out her own STDs. Have FI push back and tell her in no uncertain terms that this is not ok, these people will not be invited and she needs to bring this up with the people she sent the STDs to. Don't give her any more definite times until she receives her own invitation in the mail.

CTYankeeBride · October 2013

If your venue has a maximum number of people, then that is the maximum number of people that are allowed. This number is usually established based on fire codes, plumbing capacity, and the number of staff available to serve your guests. They are in business to make money and would gladly take 500 guests if they could hold them, so if there's a maximum it isn't arbitrary. Adding people to just dance, whether it's coworkers or FMIL's additions to your guest list, is not only rude but it can get your wedding shut down by the venue manager or fire department. I have seen it happen. Also, your venue has every right to charge you for every guest that shows up at all for any portion of the event. The open bar and linens etc. aren't free for them, so they won't be free for your dancing- only guests.

You need to let your FMIL know that while you appreciate her excitement, this is the problem her actions have caused. Even if she pays for the additional guests, you will be over the maximum capacity for the venue and she needs to understand that. She will need to explain to these guests that there has been a misunderstanding and that they won't be receiving an invite.

Dreamergirl8812 · October 2013

I'm troubled that you were okay with her sending out her own STDs in the first place. You only got upset when she didn't do it right?. I think the lack of boundaries may not entirely be her fault.

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