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Wedding Etiquette Forum
kyleroche09
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Guest List Problems
I am having trouble with the final count of our guest list. We want a small wedding somewhere between 120-130 people. I had a guest list all made out and I was ready to send out save the dates. Until my mother in law to be told me she had already sent out her own save the dates for our wedding. I was fine with that thinking "hey saves money for me". until I had found out that she had added people to the guest list from her side of the family. Now our final guest count is at 148 and I am completely stressing out because not only am I freaking out about how we are going to pay for those extra mouths to feed but I also face overcrowding in our venue. I am trying to size down the guest list from what I can (meaning everyone that hasn't received a save the date) and I am getting upset because I feel like its a little more important that my FI and I have the friends and family there that we want the most and it is starting to look like we might have to drop a significant amount of close friends from our guest list. I feel that this is unfair because it is our wedding and we cant even invite our close friends, and yet she sent save the dates out to her "old best friends from high school" and people that my FI doesn't even remember/know. SO to fix the problem I am wondering how rude it would be to send out an invitation that is only inviting some of her people to the dance portion of the reception. I figure I can't just uninvited them but if I invite them to the dance only, then I don't have to worry about over flowing and extra dinners. We are already doing this for some of our coworkers and this is the only thing I can think of that can fix the problem my mother in law to be created. Any advice?
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Re: Guest List Problems
That said, if your FMIL sent save the dates to people not on the guest list, then it's on her to clean up the mess she made. She was out of line to do that. She will need to call everyone and tell them she was mistaken and acted out of turn, and you will unfortunately not be able to invite them to the wedding. You and your FI need to agree on this and he needs to tell her to do this, and make sure she does. You don't have to invite these people if you're paying for the wedding.
If she is helping your pay for the wedding, she does have some say in the guest list. She doesn't have free reign to go crazy with it, though. In that case, you should let her invite a few people she feels very strongly about, but she must respect the budget and venue rules at the same time.
Two things. First, you cannot invite people only to part of your wedding. It's all or nothing. How would you feel, knowing 120 people came before you. Second, your FI needs to address your MIL's faux pas with her. He can ask her how she plans to fix it., ie, how to tell her friends she erred when she invited them. Not only is it your money, it is your desire for your wedding to have it a certain way. How dare she invite her friends to your party! It's not a matter of money, and even if it were, how would she expect to pay for the dinner, including booze, centerpieces, invitations and placecards, linens, etc. Ask him to ask her where she plans to seat those extra people, as the venue is over-capacity.
I'm sure the etiquette gurus will be all over this one, but I wouldn't do that, no. The invite to dancing thing is considered rude, too. A STD is not an invitation. It's a heads up that more info is coming, but it is not the real thing. Sounds like you guys need a family powwow to iron this out.
I see two options, not sure how well these will be sanctioned by the etiquette gods
:
Move your venue and adjust your budget for these new guests. Hopefully you don't have a ton of signed contracts that will get in the way of that.
Or, send nice announcement cards/personal letters to the people who shouldn't have been on the guest list, rather than full invitations. Maybe enclose something small for them, like a photo or treat. This updates MIL's friends on her happy news -- guess she's pretty excited for you.
Ladies?
ETA: venue limits often have to do with stuff like fire codes and restrooms. So asking people to dance late still doesn't address your overcrowding problem. May I ask whether you are paying for your wedding on your own?
If she refuses, she will need to give you a check for the cost of the extra people, as well as the invitations, tables, centerpieces, etc. If your venue can't handle the extra people, she needs to pick up the extra cost for lost deposits and a bigger venue. If the money is not forthcoming, don't send these people invitations (I know if someone gets a STD, they get an invite is proper etiquette. I think OP gets a pass in this case, since it was FMIL that issued the STD and not the OP.)
And, whatever you do, don't give her enough details on locations, times, etc that she can send out her own invitations.
Two things I see wring with this:
1: Your FMIL over stepped her boundaries and made a major faux paus by sending out STD's to people not on your original guest list. Your FI should be the one to fix this, and your FMIL should eb the one to explain what she did wrong.
2: Inviting people to only the dance portion of your reception is considered and tiered reception which is very rude!!! I understand that you want to include everyone but you cannot do this. Not with your co-workers or the extra guests your FMIL (esentially) invited.
The best way to fix this is to either include them if you can, or have the FMIL tell them she was in error and was just overly excited about your upcomming wedding, but they are not invited. You can send them an annoucement of your marriage if you like but do this the day after you are married. As for the co-workers, and anyone else you were planning to invite to the "dancing only" part of the reception, you cannot do that so please take them off your list and do not send them any invitations. Not to your shower or to your B-Party either!! This will make those guests feel second best and you do not want to come of rude.
You need to let your FMIL know that while you appreciate her excitement, this is the problem her actions have caused. Even if she pays for the additional guests, you will be over the maximum capacity for the venue and she needs to understand that. She will need to explain to these guests that there has been a misunderstanding and that they won't be receiving an invite.