Is a vow renewal considered a PPD

dragonmom35 · October 2013

Just wondering because DH and I are planning our vow renewal. Are we being tacky by doing this because we eloped first? Is it any different than a couple who had a large ceramony to begin with doing so?

KeptInStitches · October 2013

How long ago did you get married? That will affect my answer.

I really side-eye any vow renewal taking place after less than 5 years if there hasn't been some big upheaval in the marriage. I also think that vow renewals should be lower-key than weddings. If you got married less than a year ago, I firmly believe that you shoudl have a kickass party (dinner, DJ, dancing) - but without the wedding-y trappings of a reception (no cake cutting, no first dance, no bridal party). You kind of forego that when you elope, know what I mean?

Jen4948 · October 2013

A vow renewal isn't a wedding, so if you were to wear a wedding gown, have attendants, a registry, and other "wedding" elements, then that would be tacky. Those are all associated with the actual wedding, which was your elopement.

You can still have a great party; it just shouldn't be passed off as a "wedding" and the existence of your original wedding (the elopement) should not be kept a secret.

Maggie0829 · October 2013

How long have you and your H been married? And what kind of party are you planning?

WinstonsGirl · October 2013

I don't find them to be PPD, but I also don't see the point of inviting anyone unless it's a major milestone year - 20, 25, 50, etc.

DH and I talked briefly about doing a VR every year, but we'd never invite anyone to it. It would be for us to reaffirm our vows to each other, not to invite people and have a party. We didn't bother though, cos life got in the way.

annathy03 · October 2013

How long have you been married? Typically a vow renewal is for a couple who has been married at least 5 or 10 years, or who went through some marital issues but did not divorce and are reaffirming their commitment to one another. That said, if your invitations say vow renewal your guests know you're married already, and that at least avoids the worst offense of a PPD of lying to one's guests.

If you've only been married a short time and haven't had marital problems I would recommend just throwing a party to celebrate your recent marriage, without redoing the vows.

mysticl · October 2013

What other people said. My aunt and uncle did a vow renewal for their 50th anniversary. They had been members of the same church for most of that time so it took place during the regular Sunday mass. After the service friends and family joined them in the church hall for a luncheon. Then family joined them at the house to hang out and watch football. There was no wedding dress, fancy cake, dj, or anything like that. Just 2 people renewing their vows in front of God, friends and family. I would not consider that a PPD.

WedReMix13 · October 2013

We are doing our vow renewal in less than 30 days. It will be 8 years of being married. We went through a really rough time (nearly a divorce) and this what what was laid on our hearts to do.

Personally i think you should make the renewal special to you in whatever way that means. It can be small and private or big and over the top, in between and every way you can imagine but it should mean something to you. You should use it as a day to sort of start over. Start over meaning " lets start a new chapter"

Liatris2010 · October 2013

Vow renewals at milestone anniversaries of after major hardships are very touching.
Vow renewals after 2 years of marriage are AWish.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

Depends.

- When did you get married? Vow renewals are typically for milestone anniversaries (e.g. 10, 25, 50... years).

- Why are you doing the vow renewal? If it's because you eloped and didn't "get a wedding", then you're teetering on PPD territory.

- What are you doing? A big white dress? BMs/GMs? A shower? The give away? "First" dance? All those are wedding related and not appropriate for a vow renewal.

dragonmom35 · October 2013

We're renewing our vows after a very difficult time that almost ended in seperation, to reaffirm our commitment to one another. Not a milestone anniversary but still very meaningful to both DH and I.

We are not having a reception but we are having a BBQ type party afterwords, if you want to call that a reception I guess it is one. Although the only things they have related are food and drinks. I guess some people may think my grandmother wanting to do kareoke may count as a band?No BMs/GMs or showers or anything else wedding related.

And yes, I have no earthly clue how to spell kareoke. But thanks ladies. After reading the PPD post I was unsure if I would be considered an AW.

KeptInStitches · October 2013

I wouldn't consider that AW-ish. Karaoke is fine, if your crowd enjoys it, and I have no problem with having a BBQ-type party. Have fun!

dragonmom35 · October 2013

KeptInStitches said:

I wouldn't consider that AW-ish. Karaoke is fine, if your crowd enjoys it, and I have no problem with having a BBQ-type party. Have fun!

You are a spelling hero.

KeptInStitches · October 2013

I live to serve.

ashleyep · October 2013

I think you're fine. Not a PPD - you're clearly not trying to have recreate a "wedding" under the title of "vow renewal."

annathy03 · October 2013

Laurendag said:

We're renewing our vows after a very difficult time that almost ended in seperation, to reaffirm our commitment to one another. Not a milestone anniversary but still very meaningful to both DH and I.
We are not having a reception but we are having a BBQ type party afterwords, if you want to call that a reception I guess it is one. Although the only things they have related are food and drinks. I guess some people may think my grandmother wanting to do kareoke may count as a band?No BMs/GMs or showers or anything else wedding related.

And yes, I have no earthly clue how to spell kareoke. But thanks ladies. After reading the PPD post I was unsure if I would be considered an AW.

I think this is perfectly fine

SP29 · October 2013

Sounds fun! I don't think you're doing anything to "trick" your guests into giving you a wedding. I think my grandma singing karaoke would be hilarious (she is quite a good singer)! I hope your grandma is too

.

AroundTheBlock · October 2013

oops. Double post: my apologies

AroundTheBlock · October 2013

Actually standard etiquette does not define "PPD" as a term at all; and you and your husband can renew your vows any time you want by simply turning sincerely to each other and making promises. But that being said, most people who ask about a vow-renewal following an elopement, are really asking about the proper circumstances for holding a party for their family and friends in celebration of their marriage. And the answer to that is this: Any time you offer people food and drink, take care of their needs and comfort, and provide entertainment; then you are doing a generous and community-building act -- whether you are hostess at a reception immediately following a wedding, or a new wife recently settled into her post-elopement home, or an experienced social hostess holding a party for the sheer pleasure of entertaining. And any time someone plans deliberately to upstage her own guests, manipulate them into paying tribute whether in the form of material gifts or cash or honours, and orchestrates a starring role for herself with her guests cast as extras for her self-focussed showcase; then she is inappropriate even if she is a new bride on her wedding-day!

In short, anything that is rude at a non-wedding-day reception, is also rude at a wedding-day reception. No-one can be her own guest-of-honour; no-one should ever expect gifts. The one difference is that more people will forgive a same-day bride for her social solecisms than will forgive a re-do hostess. That being said, your own close family will be more forgiving to you than will be society as a whole (as represented by internet message-boards). And for that matter, your own peers and college- and work-friends are more likely to take the same somewhat judgmental stance that the internet does.

So throw a party. Wear a lovely dress -- even a white one -- but don't wear a ballgown unless you are holding a ball; don't wear an evening dress unless it's an evening party. Have a receiving line to welcome your guests, but don't have a grand entrance as if you were a head-of-state. Serve a lovely meal with whatever featured dessert you want, even a multi-tiered cake if you like; but don't turn the spotlight on yourself to take your dessert first and ceremoniously feed it to your husband -- serve your guests first like a good hostess. Open the dance-floor as host and hostess together, but don't turn your guests into a captive audience for your amateur dance-displays through multiple "spotlight" dances. You will have a wonderful time anyway: the role of hostess is tremendous good fun and the thrill of social success when every guest goes away glowing from a happy evening is delightful -- and you will be at the centre of everything just as much as is a new bride, that's the perquisite and natural consequence of being the hostess.

And felicitations on your marriage. I hope you and your husband may be very happy.

wrigleyville · October 2013

scribe95 said:

I'm assuming this has been a pretty short marriage since you refuse to answer that question. In your OP it sounded like the reason for it was because you eloped the first time. So that has me worried. The key is that it not be a wedding do-over - i.e. the wedding/party you wanted that you didn't get because you chose to elope. Only you know the real reasons behind what you want but the details sound okay.

She answered it in a later post.

KeptInStitches · October 2013

I think you have OP mixed up with someone else - I can't find any other posts of OP's where she talks about planning a "country chic wedding."

ETA: Never mind, I found the post, but I think that if they went through serious marital difficulties - which it sounds like OP and her husband did - that a vow renewal could be quite lovely.

88beautymarked · October 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

Actually standard etiquette does not define "PPD" as a term at all; and you and your husband can renew your vows any time you want by simply turning sincerely to each other and making promises. But that being said, most people who ask about a vow-renewal following an elopement, are really asking about the proper circumstances for holding a party for their family and friends in celebration of their marriage. And the answer to that is this: Any time you offer people food and drink, take care of their needs and comfort, and provide entertainment; then you are doing a generous and community-building act -- whether you are hostess at a reception immediately following a wedding, or a new wife recently settled into her post-elopement home, or an experienced social hostess holding a party for the sheer pleasure of entertaining. And any time someone plans deliberately to upstage her own guests, manipulate them into paying tribute whether in the form of material gifts or cash or honours, and orchestrates a starring role for herself with her guests cast as extras for her self-focussed showcase; then she is inappropriate even if she is a new bride on her wedding-day!

In short, anything that is rude at a non-wedding-day reception, is also rude at a wedding-day reception. No-one can be her own guest-of-honour; no-one should ever expect gifts. The one difference is that more people will forgive a same-day bride for her social solecisms than will forgive a re-do hostess. That being said, your own close family will be more forgiving to you than will be society as a whole (as represented by internet message-boards). And for that matter, your own peers and college- and work-friends are more likely to take the same somewhat judgmental stance that the internet does.

So throw a party. Wear a lovely dress -- even a white one -- but don't wear a ballgown unless you are holding a ball; don't wear an evening dress unless it's an evening party. Have a receiving line to welcome your guests, but don't have a grand entrance as if you were a head-of-state. Serve a lovely meal with whatever featured dessert you want, even a multi-tiered cake if you like; but don't turn the spotlight on yourself to take your dessert first and ceremoniously feed it to your husband -- serve your guests first like a good hostess. Open the dance-floor as host and hostess together, but don't turn your guests into a captive audience for your amateur dance-displays through multiple "spotlight" dances. You will have a wonderful time anyway: the role of hostess is tremendous good fun and the thrill of social success when every guest goes away glowing from a happy evening is delightful -- and you will be at the centre of everything just as much as is a new bride, that's the perquisite and natural consequence of being the hostess.

And felicitations on your marriage. I hope you and your husband may be very happy.

Can we make THIS a sticky?! Very cordial and eloquent. I bow to you. This is what every person wanting a PPD needs to read.

(Seriously)

Tomandlesley · October 2013

Why'd OP get banned? Did I miss something?

Me too. Weird

WildMagelet · October 2013

OP doesn't know why she was banned. She does still have access to TB though.

@KnotPorscha ?

[Deleted User] · October 2013

OP, your IP address was caught in a scan of already banned IPs. I removed it from the list, so you should be back to normal on TK.

dragonmom35 · October 2013

KnotPorscha said:
OP, your IP address was caught in a scan of already banned IPs. I removed it from the list, so you should be back to normal on TK.

thanks!

dragonmom35 · October 2013

And DH and I will have been married for four years. Not a milestone anniversary. Althought I suppose if we waited a little longer it WOULD be our 5 year. Maybe we should do that.

KeptInStitches · October 2013

It might be lovely to have the milestone anniversary and the "look-what-we-made-it-through" aspects together.

lauralee1723 · October 2013

I agree with PPs that said it might be better to just wait till the 5th anniversary. It sounds like it's pretty close, and that would be a good way to celebrate making it through to the other side of some hard times in your marriage.

Dreamergirl8812 · October 2013

KeptInStitches said:

I think you have OP mixed up with someone else - I can't find any other posts of OP's where she talks about planning a "country chic wedding."

ETA: Never mind, I found the post, but I think that if they went through serious marital difficulties - which it sounds like OP and her husband did - that a vow renewal could be quite lovely.

So is it a country chic vow renewal?

dragonmom35 · October 2013

DH and I have been discussing it and have spoken to the JOP that married us and we have decided on a date a few weeks after our 5th anniversary. Thanks everyone!

Is a vow renewal considered a PPD

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