would you rather...

painterlt · October 2013

Hello ladies! I have a question for you. I am planning my wedding and I have found some bridesmaids dresses from J Crew that I love. The problem is, they are a bit pricey ($250). That being said, they are very wearable for future use (wedding guest, dinner out, ect). In the weddings I have been in, I have had to buy dresses for about $150- 200. These dresses are not wearable outside of being a bridesmaid. So the option for my maids is buy is cheaper they will most likely never wear again, or spend a little extra to get a nice dress they can wear for years to come.

As a bridesmaid, I would have rather had spent a little extra to get something more wearable. Now I want your opinions!

Side note: none of my maids are in poor financial straights.

manateehugger · October 2013

None of what we think matters until you ask them what their budgets are.

If they all say $250, go for the J Crew dresses. If they say $150, go from there.

ETA: Also, you can get perfectly BM-appropriate yet re-wearable dresses in the $150 range. I have no idea where the notion that $150 can only get you a satin strapless monstrosity came from.

Dreamergirl8812 · October 2013

painterlt said:

Hello ladies! I have a question for you. I am planning my wedding and I have found some bridesmaids dresses from J Crew that I love. The problem is, they are a bit pricey ($250). That being said, they are very wearable for future use (wedding guest, dinner out, ect). In the weddings I have been in, I have had to buy dresses for about $150- 200. These dresses are not wearable outside of being a bridesmaid. So the option for my maids is buy is cheaper they will most likely never wear again, or spend a little extra to get a nice dress they can wear for years to come.
As a bridesmaid, I would have rather had spent a little extra to get something more wearable. Now I want your opinions!
Side note: none of my maids are in poor financial straights.

You need to discretely ask each BM what her budget is. Then ask her what you just asked us.

I doubt I would wear a BM dress again. Chances are it's still not going to be my style, even if it doesn't look like a BM dress. And if you save me tens or hundreds of dollars, I can then go buy myself a dress I love and definitely will wear again.

So I vote cheaper.

doeydo · October 2013

You should take each of the bridesmaids aside and ask them their budget (without mentioning these dresses or the prices) and then find a dress for them to get within the lowest budget. If someone's budget is below $250 (which I'm betting will happen) then you should give up on having the J Crew dresses.

painterlt · October 2013

Ya know, in all the times Ive been a BM, not a single bride has asked me for my budget, I didn't know that was a "thing". But I have asked how much is too much and their like "whatever you want". Are they just being polite or do they mean it?

manateehugger · October 2013

painterlt said:

Ya know, in all the times Ive been a BM, not a single bride has asked me for my budget, I didn't know that was a "thing". But I have asked how much is too much and their like "whatever you want". Are they just being polite or do they mean it?

Think about it - you're asking them to spend their money for you. Wouldn't it be polite to at least ask them how much they are comfortable spending? I'd press and ask for at least a range from them (e.g. "That's fine, but give me a 'not above $X amount' number. I just want to make sure I don't ask you guys for something you think it ridiculous") - and do it in private for each one if you didn't already. No one wants to be the one who has to tell the bride she can't get the dress.

Otherwise, ask them what you asked us.

ETA: Again though, you can get cute dresses for less than $250. My girls picked whatever dress they wanted from Alfred Sung (I determined color, length, and designer). I think they are all really cute, and they were all in the $140-$170 range.

huskypuppy14 · October 2013

Personally, I think $250 is too high in general, because then you have to also think about alterations. But if your BM are cool with it than it's fine. Also, what is the color of the dresses? I think that determines whether it's wearable again, not so much the price. The dress I wore in a wedding is a great style, but the color is obviously bridesmaid. KWIM?

JoanE2012 · October 2013

I rarely spend that kind of money on a dress of my own choosing. I vote for the cheaper BM dress.

MrsLillyG · October 2013

In my circle we normally spend about 150 on a bm dress. I suppose in theory I would spend more on a dress that I could wear more than once. However, I think it would be pretty exceptional if everyone of your bridesmaids had the same taste and body type and would wear this same dress again. And I would never tell a bride that I didn't like the Bm dress of their choice so I don't know if asking them if they would wear it again would do any good.

manateehugger · October 2013

MrsLillyG said:

In my circle we normally spend about 150 on a bm dress. I suppose in theory I would spend more on a dress that I could wear more than once. However, I think it would be pretty exceptional if everyone of your bridesmaids had the same taste and body type and would wear this same dress again. And I would never tell a bride that I didn't like the Bm dress of their choice so I don't know if asking them if they would wear it again would do any good.

I've told multiple brides that her dress choice was great and I'd wear it again. I lied to make them feel better.

ETA: Which is why I figured that my ladies might wear their dress again if they picked it out for themselves.

annathy03 · October 2013

In my circle 100-150 is the norm, and I can buy a damn nice dress of my own choosing for the extra 100 your JCrew dress would run so I'd prefer a cheaper one. That said, does JCrew have sales? I looked at Ann Taylor for a bit and it seems like their dresses (BM line included) go on sale for 30-40% off really frequently. I'm less familiar with JCrew, but once you ask your girls their budgets if you can manage to get them for less I would prefer something like that compared to a standard BM dress if the price is similar/in budget.

jessicabessica · October 2013

I wouldn't feel comfortable asking someone to buy a $250 dress, even if she claimed that she didn't care how much it cost. Second the suggestion to look for sales. AT has similar style dresses and frequent sales. I think it may be harder to get a J.Crew dress on sale if you have your heart set on a particular color/style, and your bridesmaids will need a variety of sizes (sometimes they put them on sale when they only have a few sizes left). Have you looked at J.Crew factory store (online)?

painterlt · October 2013

The dresses are deep purple, and I would let them select from the varying necklines. Also they are knee length so no hemming.. to answer laurynm84's q.

mysticl · October 2013

painterlt said:

The dresses are deep purple, and I would let them select from the varying necklines. Also they are knee length so no hemming.. to answer laurynm84's q.

You are wrong there. If you expect them to all be knee length some of them may need to get their dresses hemmed. Very few women are an exact size. So to fit a large chested woman the dress may end up being longer and need hemmed. To fit a taller woman the dress may need to be taken in.

wrigleyville · October 2013

I'm not in financial straits, but I'd be ticked if I were asked to buy a $250 dress. Just because someone has money doesn't mean they want to spend it on a BM dress, even if they might wear it again (I've never worn a BM dress again, even the ones that were passable as cocktail dresses).

Even if they don't need to be hemmed, they might need to be altered, which can add more cost.

I'd ask them for their budgets (individually) instead of asking straight-up about the $250. I might hedge to admit $250 is too much, but if you asked me my budget, I wouldn't hesitate to say, "$150."

painterlt · October 2013

They have a petite selection for my short ladies, and Im not overly concerned about uniform length.

manateehugger · October 2013

painterlt said:

They have a petite selection for my short ladies, and Im not overly concerned about uniform length.

Trust me, they will need alterations and hemlines. Designers typically err on the side of caution and give some room to work with.

wrigleyville · October 2013

You really need to review this with your bridesmaids. $250 is a LOT of money for a knee-length dress. When I think of a $250 BM dress, I think about something floor-length and fairly formal.

painterlt · October 2013

Nothing is set in stone yet. I sent a few pics of the cheaper dresses and got only meh responses. I know this is higher than the average bm dress, but have considered the fact that none, save one, have to travel more than an hour to the wedding. I am not having a bach. party, and the hair and makeup is diy. I look in my closet and see the bm dresses of the past, and think of the money I spent on these dresses. I gladly purchased them to make my friends happy, but they are sitting there, completely unusable.

thisismynickname2 · October 2013

Another vote for cheaper. Even when a dress passes for cocktail... it's never a dress a woman would wear again because it's not HERS. She had to pick something within guidelines. I have pretty dresses in my closet, but my go-to for an event is never an old bm dress.
Hey, has anyone ever worn a bm dress again? Thread hijack but would be interesting to hear about.

manateehugger · October 2013

thisismynickname said:

Another vote for cheaper. Even when a dress passes for cocktail... it's never a dress a woman would wear again because it's not HERS. She had to pick something within guidelines. I have pretty dresses in my closet, but my go-to for an event is never an old bm dress. Hey, has anyone ever worn a bm dress again? Thread hijack but would be interesting to hear about.

I wear a cute black silk cocktail dress I wore as a BM. I think it was $180ish. And honestly, I really am tempted to order a dress from the line of my BM dresses. They're cute and nice quality.

manateehugger · October 2013

painterlt said:

Nothing is set in stone yet. I sent a few pics of the cheaper dresses and got only meh responses. I know this is higher than the average bm dress, but have considered the fact that none, save one, have to travel more than an hour to the wedding. I am not having a bach. party, and the hair and makeup is diy. I look in my closet and see the bm dresses of the past, and think of the money I spent on these dresses. I gladly purchased them to make my friends happy, but they are sitting there, completely unusable.

Honestly, I love J Crew, but I would be annoyed to order a BM dress from them - even though I do think they are cute.

What cheaper dresses are you looking at? What designers?

mysticl · October 2013

thisismynickname said:

Another vote for cheaper. Even when a dress passes for cocktail... it's never a dress a woman would wear again because it's not HERS. She had to pick something within guidelines. I have pretty dresses in my closet, but my go-to for an event is never an old bm dress. Hey, has anyone ever worn a bm dress again? Thread hijack but would be interesting to hear about.

I would have worn one to the Navy's Sub Ball but I was 20 weeks pregnant so it wouldn't fit.

painterlt · October 2013

i think there is one from bill levkoff, and alfred sung. One of the things that is making my shy away from these is the places you have to order them. Im in a wedding next week and had to order my dress online bc i live in a semi rural area. The nearest salon where i could try it on was like 80 miles away.I ordered accordingly(from my measurements) and the sizing was apparently waaayyyy off bc it needed an overhaul. But when I inquired about switching it for another size, they responded that I would forfeit 50% of the dress. And on top of that I would have to pay a rush fee to get the new dress on time.

Most of my maids will likely be ordering online and to save them from such a hassle, J Crew seems like a good option bc if it doesnt fit, they can simply send it back and get a new one without a problem.

photokitty · October 2013

The last bm dress i had to buy was over $200, so if i liked it $250 wouldn't be a stretch.
For some reason i seem to destroy bm dresses, but I'm always schlepping gifts or cleaning up at the end. I'm a workerbee bm by choice. So i don't think I've ever reworn one. any that are in decent shape I've donated to charity - Cinderella's closet, prom dresses for girls who can't afford them.

annathy03 · October 2013

thisismynickname said:

Another vote for cheaper. Even when a dress passes for cocktail... it's never a dress a woman would wear again because it's not HERS. She had to pick something within guidelines. I have pretty dresses in my closet, but my go-to for an event is never an old bm dress. Hey, has anyone ever worn a bm dress again? Thread hijack but would be interesting to hear about.

Not yet but I'll wear my BM dress from a wedding last month again, but only because the bride had us wear a black knee length dress of our choosing so I did buy a dress that suits me.

painterlt · October 2013

haha i doubt a teenage girl would like some of the bm dresses I have! But i have considered that!

[Deleted User] · October 2013

Let them decide if they want to spend $250 plus alteration fees for the dress. When I asked the BMs individually they gave me price ranges from $50-$300. All I asked for was that they wear a floor length charcoal gray dress. Everyone picked out their dresses from different places and they all look beautiful.

Kate61487 · October 2013

Would you rather: Have your friend tell you how to spend your money on a dress you'll "totally wear again" or have your friend ask you your budget before she looks at dresses?

As for the below....

painterlt said:

Nothing is set in stone yet. I sent a few pics of the cheaper dresses and got only meh responses. I know this is higher than the average bm dress, but have considered the fact that none, save one, have to travel more than an hour to the wedding. I am not having a bach. party, and the hair and makeup is diy. I look in my closet and see the bm dresses of the past, and think of the money I spent on these dresses. I gladly purchased them to make my friends happy, but they are sitting there, completely unusable.

Travel to a wedding is not a BM cost, it is a guest cost, so it doesn't factor into BM budget - it may very well have factored in when they were deciding to accept the position of bridesmaid or not, but you don't get to spend imaginary "savings" (non-existent b/c your BMs never had travel costs set aside) on their dress for them

Bach parties don't have to cost much, are a completely voluntary cost, and when choosing between spending $100 extra dollars on a dress that's pricier than anything I'd ever buy for myself vs. spending it on a night full of memories with my friends... I'm gonna go with the second one. This part of the budget, again, is not "transferable". I may HAVE $100 and be perfectly happy to spend it on a b-party, it does NOT mean I want to spend it on a dress

And the hair and makeup should ALWAYS be DIY unless you (the bride) are paying for it (or they opt to spend that money completely voluntary). And once again, it's not transferable. Spending a morning getting pampered and then looking your best for photos that you'll probably want to frame/keep one or two of yourself =/= spending more on a dress.

RebeccaB88 · October 2013

Even if I could afford a $250 bridesmaid's dress, there's no way in hell I'd buy it. That's just plain ridiculous for a one-time dress.

Rebl90 · October 2013

I have asked each of my BMs to honestly give me price points when I spoke with them privately, and I am very glad that I did because it really varied I personally think that $250 is a high price for a dress, whether you wear it again or not, but I believe that final say goes to your gals. You should approach it cautiously and tactfully, being careful to not sway their answer. Once they all respond with their answers you can go wild! (within the budget)

If even one of your BMs has a budget that she wants to stick to, then its worth it to take the time and ask. At the end of the day these are your closest friends and they are standing by your side on one of the most important days of your life, I'm sure the last thing you want is to ignore anyone's feelings

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