Gift: paying for your plate

mysticl · October 2013

MrsLillyG said:

I never heard of the pay per plate rule as an exact science - i.e. you call up ask how much the plate is and/or decide whether to include the cost of centerpieces or whatever. I sort of always thought it was similar to the xmas gift analogy, giving twice if there are two of you. We go by this rule, and also factor in who the couple is and the type of event. Our gifts from couples were actually on average twice as big as gifts from single people so maybe a lot of people in my circle think that way. I don't know if I can believe people actually call up the venue!! FTR I didn't expect people to 'pay for their plate' as gifts to us.

Or maybe a couple has 2 incomes so they have more disposable income to spend on your gift.

mysticl · October 2013

AddieL73 said:

Every wedding I've attended had gifts at it. Every gift we received came at the wedding; not a single one was sent to our home.

The only ones sent to my home were from people who were not attending the wedding. DH's mom arrived in town the day before and dropped her gift off at his house but that was it. Everything else came to the ceremony with the exception of a couple of gifts I picked up at friends' hotel room the day after.

grumbledore · October 2013

mysticl said:

MrsLillyG said:

I never heard of the pay per plate rule as an exact science - i.e. you call up ask how much the plate is and/or decide whether to include the cost of centerpieces or whatever. I sort of always thought it was similar to the xmas gift analogy, giving twice if there are two of you. We go by this rule, and also factor in who the couple is and the type of event. Our gifts from couples were actually on average twice as big as gifts from single people so maybe a lot of people in my circle think that way. I don't know if I can believe people actually call up the venue!! FTR I didn't expect people to 'pay for their plate' as gifts to us.

Or maybe a couple has 2 incomes so they have more disposable income to spend on your gift.

This. We give more when we give a gift together than if one of us gives separately - it has everything to do with combining resources and nothing to do with the cost of the event attended.

MrsLillyG · October 2013

grumbledore said:

mysticl said:

MrsLillyG said:

I never heard of the pay per plate rule as an exact science - i.e. you call up ask how much the plate is and/or decide whether to include the cost of centerpieces or whatever. I sort of always thought it was similar to the xmas gift analogy, giving twice if there are two of you. We go by this rule, and also factor in who the couple is and the type of event. Our gifts from couples were actually on average twice as big as gifts from single people so maybe a lot of people in my circle think that way. I don't know if I can believe people actually call up the venue!! FTR I didn't expect people to 'pay for their plate' as gifts to us.

Or maybe a couple has 2 incomes so they have more disposable income to spend on your gift.

This. We give more when we give a gift together than if one of us gives separately - it has everything to do with combining resources and nothing to do with the cost of the event attended.

Yes... there is a post about an xmas/birthday gift analogy. If two people are going in on a gift they gave more. I wasn't saying that our gifts from couples were larger not because they were paying per plate but because of the xmas gift analogy in the earlier post....

MrsLillyG · October 2013

So should I assume all of the people that didn't directly answer my question does not consider how they are treated at a wedding into their gift?

RebeccaB88 · October 2013

I have never taken my gift back at a wedding based on how I've been treated there. But then, I've never been to a wedding and been treated anywhere near as badly as the stories on this board. I'd like to say I'd do it, but having never been in that situation, I'm not completely sure. I know I'd probably consider it.

I've never had to stand anywhere, never had to pay for a drink, never not been fed at mealtime, never been told to pay for my own meal, never been served a completely inedible meal, never been invited to a destination wedding, never attended a wedding with gap of any kind, and have always been greeted and thanked properly.

The only thing that has happened, is that I've never been asked my budget for a bridesmaid's dress. But then, I didn't know any better back then and made it work to buy the one that was selected. If I was asked now I would definitely be more vocal about my budget, even if I'm not asked ahead of time. If I couldn't afford something or didn't think I should have to pay for something, I'd just say so and stand my ground.

NavyBlue143 · October 2013

Cash bars are pretty common among our circle. I don't like them, and we had an open bar of awesome at our wedding, but I'm not so offended I would take the gift back. We always give a physical gift anyway. I don't like giving money. Now, in a wedding I was in I was treated pretty badly and was even told I had no business being a BM if I couldn't make the lingerie shower, which was scheduled for the day of my parents' 25th anniversary, and no way was I missing that. I did not give the couple a gift, my patience through the drama and nonsense was enough.

NYCBruin · October 2013

MrsLillyG said:

So should I assume all of the people that didn't directly answer my question does not consider how they are treated at a wedding into their gift?

I think people got distracted by the "cover your plate" idea since that never goes over well here.

I would guess that most people wouldn't change their gift, but it would affect the relationship they have with the couple (I'm basing this off the horror stories people post here...I've never seen someone say they took back/changed a gift, but I have heard many people say that they no longer speak with the couple).

Are you planning on doing these things and want to make sure that it won't affect the gifts you get? That'd be a pretty terrible way to treat your guests and as mentioned, it probably won't lose you too much cash (although some people may give less), but it will cost you friendships.

MrsLillyG · October 2013

NYCBruin said:

MrsLillyG said:

So should I assume all of the people that didn't directly answer my question does not consider how they are treated at a wedding into their gift?

I think people got distracted by the "cover your plate" idea since that never goes over well here.

I would guess that most people wouldn't change their gift, but it would affect the relationship they have with the couple (I'm basing this off the horror stories people post here...I've never seen someone say they took back/changed a gift, but I have heard many people say that they no longer speak with the couple).

Are you planning on doing these things and want to make sure that it won't affect the gifts you get? That'd be a pretty terrible way to treat your guests and as mentioned, it probably won't lose you too much cash (although some people may give less), but it will cost you friendships.

yea. its the internet people could have answered with other responses that weren't answers to my question. like "I like peanut butter".

I just think that people that consider the cost of your plate (cash bar, type of food, chair rental, if you and your so are going, etc...) into your gift you are essentially paying per plate ...

I am already married, still like to post around when Im procrastinating on things in life.

doeydo · October 2013

If I knew that a person was going to host a wedding so poorly and be so rude to guests, then yes, I would probably not be as generous. However, I do not "pay for my plate".

MGP · October 2013

MrsLillyG said:

So should I assume all of the people that didn't directly answer my question does not consider how they are treated at a wedding into their gift?

To answer your original question - I feel like unless you have heard otherwise you have no choice but to assume you will be treated well. The problem arises when you have done this and done your due diligence with gift selection, then get to the wedding and are treated like crap. People get irate when they are hit with things like cash bars and money trees after they have put in the time and effort to be a gracious guest. Honestly I would be tempted to take back my gift, but it really would depend on the circumstances.

Personally every time I have been either offended or poorly hosted I had no idea it was coming. Would it have influenced my actions if I had known beforehand? Yes, absolutely. I would have just declined the invitation. I have better things to do than go out of my way to attend something where I don't feel my presence was appreciated - and treating your guests poorly is exactly that.

aurorajanette · October 2013

MGP said:

MrsLillyG said:

So should I assume all of the people that didn't directly answer my question does not consider how they are treated at a wedding into their gift?

To answer your original question - I feel like unless you have heard otherwise you have no choice but to assume you will be treated well. The problem arises when you have done this and done your due diligence with gift selection, then get to the wedding and are treated like crap. People get irate when they are hit with things like cash bars and money trees after they have put in the time and effort to be a gracious guest. Honestly I would be tempted to take back my gift, but it really would depend on the circumstances.

Personally every time I have been either offended or poorly hosted I had no idea it was coming. Would it have influenced my actions if I had known beforehand? Yes, absolutely. I would have just declined the invitation. I have better things to do than go out of my way to attend something where I don't feel my presence was appreciated - and treating your guests poorly is exactly that.

I feel this way exactly. I always write a check and put in in the card before the wedding, and give the card at the wedding (typically put in on the gift table in the beginning of the reception). There have been a few times --particularly when I don't get a thank you card - that I really regret giving as much as I did.

mysticl · October 2013

MrsLillyG said:

So should I assume all of the people that didn't directly answer my question does not consider how they are treated at a wedding into their gift?

I've already bought the gift so how would I factor the way I was treated into it? The only way I could do that is if I went to the wedding empty handed, then went shopping afterwards and sent it to the couple. I rarely give money and if I did I wouldn't go through a card to remove some of it.

mysticl · October 2013

MrsLillyG said:

grumbledore said:

mysticl said:

MrsLillyG said:

I never heard of the pay per plate rule as an exact science - i.e. you call up ask how much the plate is and/or decide whether to include the cost of centerpieces or whatever. I sort of always thought it was similar to the xmas gift analogy, giving twice if there are two of you. We go by this rule, and also factor in who the couple is and the type of event. Our gifts from couples were actually on average twice as big as gifts from single people so maybe a lot of people in my circle think that way. I don't know if I can believe people actually call up the venue!! FTR I didn't expect people to 'pay for their plate' as gifts to us.

Or maybe a couple has 2 incomes so they have more disposable income to spend on your gift.

This. We give more when we give a gift together than if one of us gives separately - it has everything to do with combining resources and nothing to do with the cost of the event attended.

Yes... there is a post about an xmas/birthday gift analogy. If two people are going in on a gift they gave more. I wasn't saying that our gifts from couples were larger not because they were paying per plate but because of the xmas gift analogy in the earlier post....

I was disagreeing with that analogy. My husband and I do not give people double gifts because there are two of us. We do not give a more expensive gift because there are two of us. I am a SAHM, we have one income so our gift budget reflects that.

MrsLillyG · October 2013

mysticl said:

MrsLillyG said:

So should I assume all of the people that didn't directly answer my question does not consider how they are treated at a wedding into their gift?

I've already bought the gift so how would I factor the way I was treated into it? The only way I could do that is if I went to the wedding empty handed, then went shopping afterwards and sent it to the couple. I rarely give money and if I did I wouldn't go through a card to remove some of it.

my original op said that if you knew they were going to have those etiquette breaches to save money, what would you do? There are a lot of times that people talk to other people about their wedding before their wedding happens.

mysticl · October 2013

MrsLillyG said:

mysticl said:

MrsLillyG said:

So should I assume all of the people that didn't directly answer my question does not consider how they are treated at a wedding into their gift?

I've already bought the gift so how would I factor the way I was treated into it? The only way I could do that is if I went to the wedding empty handed, then went shopping afterwards and sent it to the couple. I rarely give money and if I did I wouldn't go through a card to remove some of it.

my original op said that if you knew they were going to have those etiquette breaches to save money, what would you do? There are a lot of times that people talk to other people about their wedding before their wedding happens.

I haven't been in the situation where I knew in advance that they were going to do rude things. I doubt I would let it affect the gift I was giving. My gift isn't payment for getting to attend their wedding.

NYCBruin · October 2013

MrsLillyG said:

mysticl said:

MrsLillyG said:

So should I assume all of the people that didn't directly answer my question does not consider how they are treated at a wedding into their gift?

I've already bought the gift so how would I factor the way I was treated into it? The only way I could do that is if I went to the wedding empty handed, then went shopping afterwards and sent it to the couple. I rarely give money and if I did I wouldn't go through a card to remove some of it.

my original op said that if you knew they were going to have those etiquette breaches to save money, what would you do? There are a lot of times that people talk to other people about their wedding before their wedding happens.

If I knew in advance, I probably would decline.

SP29 · October 2013

I agree, in most cases a guest won't know that they are going to be treated poorly, but if I knew in advance of anything that would offend me so much that I would consider giving less of a gift, I likely would decline the invitation to attend (because I would have to be pretty offended for that to happen- more than just a cash bar).

kitty8403 · October 2013

JustNicki said:
I don't give gifts based on how well I'm hosted (though I may secretly wish I had after the fact if it was a particularly disastrous wedding). FI and I choose the amount to spend on a wedding gift based on our relationship with the couple in question.

Same, along with our current budget needs.
I'm sorry, I think a lot of brides are getting into the idea of inviting certain guests because they assume these people are well-to-do, will be impressed, and will give them a large amount, not because they are particularly close to them. People can usually tell when you're trying to pull this, ladies, and it's offensive.

ETA: another poster was on here a couple days ago ranting about doctors and lawyers who didn't cover their plates. When somebody starts in with that kind of whining, what I hear is, "I invited you because I think you're rich and I want your money, not because you're my friend/family member/mother-in-law's VIP."

kitty8403 · October 2013

MrsLillyG said:
I never heard of the pay per plate rule as an exact science - i.e. you call up ask how much the plate is and/or decide whether to include the cost of centerpieces or whatever. I sort of always thought it was similar to the xmas gift analogy, giving twice if there are two of you. We go by this rule, and also factor in who the couple is and the type of event. Our gifts from couples were actually on average twice as big as gifts from single people so maybe a lot of people in my circle think that way. I don't know if I can believe people actually call up the venue!! FTR I didn't expect people to 'pay for their plate' as gifts to us.

See, that might be part of the issue. We follow that Christmas gift rule for immediate family (his and mine), but not for our friends or other relatives--they get one nice thing signed from both of us. At a wedding, we present ourselves as a couple and we give as a couple, not as individual "shares."

kitty8403 · October 2013

Fran1985 said:
The gift based on plate thing is so weird. Shouldn't it be the opposite, you give more for the young couple that's can't afford a fancy black tie event? But regardless, the formality of the event has no bearing on my gift. I give what I can afford and want to

Exactly! I give MORE when it's someone I'm close to who I know really needs the support of friends/family. Especially if they are very young and have little to outfit a home.

kitty8403 · October 2013

MrsLillyG said:
So should I assume all of the people that didn't directly answer my question does not consider how they are treated at a wedding into their gift?

Box gifts brought to the event (never after!) are the norm in my area. So no, it really doesn't change what I give at the time. It does affect my future interactions with those people, however. One friend who was on my bridesmaid list 10 years ago will not be this time because of how she treated me at her wedding; another has been disinvited altogether because of her pre-wedding behavior (her wedding, not mine). So if you are asking about whether there are consequences, the answer is yes.

painterlt · October 2013

Give what you can afford to give. And consider the relationship you have with the couple. Best friend: the max you can afford to give, distant cousin: be a little more conservative. Theoretically, guests are invited to a wedding bc they want them there to celebrate, not for cash. One of the rudest conversations I've heard was between two engaged ladies. They were complaining about a few guests gifting them "only $25". I was like seriously??!!

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