Future mother in law issues

PayneJ09 · September 2013

So.... My fiancé mom is wanting to invite people we have no idea who they are like co workers and friends we have never met. Has anyone ever heard of the parents having a list? I never heard of this. We are pretty much paying for this on our own we have no idea if anyone is going to be helping so we are trying to keep it smaller. We are already having a problem trying to figure out if we want kids at the wedding or not. Please give advice.

wabanzi · September 2013

PayneJ09 said:

So.... My fiancé mom is wanting to invite people we have no idea who they are like co workers and friends we have never met. Has anyone ever heard of the parents having a list? I never heard of this. We are pretty much paying for this on our own we have no idea if anyone is going to be helping so we are trying to keep it smaller. We are already having a problem trying to figure out if we want kids at the wedding or not. Please give advice.

Those who host prepare the guest list. If you and your FI are hosting, you may extend the offer for your sets of parents to prepare a list (traditionally divided into thirds: you two, his parents, your parents). It is not uncommon, she may have been just trying to be helpful and jumped ahead of you asking for her list. I suggest giving her a number and having her whittle down her list to that. Or, if you are having a small, intimate wedding, you'll need to explain the situation.

SereneTiger · October 2013

We actually have 4 lists: mine, FI's, my parents, and his parents. We've been cutting back on guests and boiling it down to the people we REALLY want to be there. But it's tough when my FMIL is adding people in by saying things like 'it's the right thing to do. So frustrating!

Talk it over with your FI, he probably feels the same way you do and he can go talk to his mother about it. There was a bridal book I found that said your FI's job during the planning process is to be the bridge of communication between yourself and your FMIL!

Anyway, you don't have to invite anybody you don't want to; It's your wedding.

melbelleup · October 2013

PayneJ09 said:

So.... My fiancé mom is wanting to invite people we have no idea who they are like co workers and friends we have never met. Has anyone ever heard of the parents having a list? I never heard of this. We are pretty much paying for this on our own we have no idea if anyone is going to be helping so we are trying to keep it smaller. We are already having a problem trying to figure out if we want kids at the wedding or not. Please give advice.

Usually parents are given the option to add people to the guest list. Since you guys are paying for it, then you don't have to invite them. My parents, his parents and me are all paying for the wedding so we all have lists. FI's list mainly consists of re-enacting friends, college friends and his mom just added 10 more people to our list that she wants invited. I can't complain though because my parent's list plus my list is 154 people where his is 93. oh wells.

maryemoo · October 2013

I think that parents getting part of the list stems from parents paying for the wedding. My fiancé and I are paying for our wedding ourselves and thus are taking control of the guest list. We are taking suggestions, but if someone wants to invite someone whom we didn't plan on, or if a guest wants to bring a date that we didn't accommodate for, we are going to explain that we are working with very small venues and have a limited number of people allowed and have already made our choices.

PayneJ09 · October 2013

SereneTiger said:

We actually have 4 lists: mine, FI's, my parents, and his parents. We've been cutting back on guests and boiling it down to the people we REALLY want to be there. But it's tough when my FMIL is adding people in by saying things like 'it's the right thing to do. So frustrating!

Talk it over with your FI, he probably feels the same way you do and he can go talk to his mother about it. There was a bridal book I found that said your FI's job during the planning process is to be the bridge of communication between yourself and your FMIL!

Anyway, you don't have to invite anybody you don't want to; It's your wedding.

Trust me he is already talking to her. She has been pushing other things trying to plan our wedding even though I DO NOT want help at least not with her being pushy. It is so frustrating. I am trying to get everything planned so no one can try and push stuff on us. She always finds a way to talk about our wedding every time we get together. I understand its her last child to get married but come on I know what I am doing and she makes it seem as if we don't know what to do.

SereneTiger · October 2013

@Payne09 Do we have the same FMIL? haha

My FMIL is the same exact way! She is always asking random questions about the wedding, like how long her dress should be, and then gets upset when I don't have an answer. She also wants to plan the whole thing because according to her she has 'experience' with these things.

But I'm like you, I want to plan it myself. When are you going to get another chance to plan a wedding??

I found that my FMIL was a little less pushy when I gave her something to do, like getting the addresses for FI's side of the family (but even that was a huge headache). Maybe you can find something similar for your FMIL?

PayneJ09 · October 2013

@SereneTiger Yeah sounds like they are one in the same. She is wanting to plan ours too because she has "experience" but I said the same I want to plan my own when I need help then I will ask. Any opportunity she wants to talk about the wedding and what we could do for it. I just have to get my fiancé to just hurry up and get a lot of it done so I don't have to hear about anything for her.

melbelleup · October 2013

maryemoo said:

I think that parents getting part of the list stems from parents paying for the wedding. My fiancé and I are paying for our wedding ourselves and thus are taking control of the guest list. We are taking suggestions, but if someone wants to invite someone whom we didn't plan on, or if a guest wants to bring a date that we didn't accommodate for, we are going to explain that we are working with very small venues and have a limited number of people allowed and have already made our choices.

Just make sure to invite SOs including husbands/wives, fiance's and boyfriends/girlfriends no matter how long the relationship had been going on, they must be invited as a package deal. If you think otherwise, visit the etiquette forum where a person just declined an invite because the other half wasn't invited.

PayneJ09 · October 2013

What is SO?

kmj500 · October 2013

My fiance and I gave each of our parents 10 additional invites each. Since we are paying for the majority of the wedding and want to keep it under 150 guests, we thought this was reasonable (we included important family members on our own, the 10 extra were for their friends or whoever they wanted to add). My FMIL went above her number so we told her she'd have to cut down her list or pay the additional cost for her guests (she tried to say my family is too big and that I should be cutting people from my side, even though my FI's list and mine are equal...). When we added up what the cost per extra person was (included everything from food, to extra centrepieces, to cake), she decided to cut her list back. It isn't a ridiculous number but she's really cheap.

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