Guests Attended Wedding but No Gift?

luna2121 · October 2013

My husband and I got married a few weeks ago, and in the aftermath of organizing thank you notes needs, we realized that there were 15-20 guests that attended to wedding and did not give a gift. In one instance, a guest gave a card, but no gift.

My mother is very bothered by this. I realize that guests have up to a year after the wedding to give a gift, but my mother is concerned that they will forget about it. The list includes cousins, one bridesmaid, and former co-workers and friends.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? Is there anything we should do at this point? Or is it just one of those things where we just move on with our lives?

KatWAG · October 2013

luna2121 said:

My husband and I got married a few weeks ago, and in the aftermath of organizing thank you notes needs, we realized that there were 15-20 guests that attended to wedding and did not give a gift. In one instance, a guest gave a card, but no gift.

My mother is very bothered by this. I realize that guests have up to a year after the wedding to give a gift, but my mother is concerned that they will forget about it. The list includes cousins, one bridesmaid, and former co-workers and friends.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? Is there anything we should do at this point? Or is it just one of those things where we just move on with our lives?

Yes this happened to all of us. And no, there is nothing you can do but be grateful that they came to celebrate with you and your H. Gifts are not mandatory to attend a wedding.

Frankly, you/ your mom sound very gift grabby.

ETA: our last wedding gift arrived 7 months after we got married.

thisismynickname2 · October 2013

Congrats on getting married!

Move on... It happens.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

luna2121 said:

My husband and I got married a few weeks ago, and in the aftermath of organizing thank you notes needs, we realized that there were 15-20 guests that attended to wedding and did not give a gift. In one instance, a guest gave a card, but no gift.

My mother is very bothered by this. I realize that guests have up to a year after the wedding to give a gift, but my mother is concerned that they will forget about it. The list includes cousins, one bridesmaid, and former co-workers and friends.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? Is there anything we should do at this point? Or is it just one of those things where we just move on with our lives?

As a host, you should never expect presents. If people bring you a gift, that's wonderful and you should thank them graciously.

I do have a couple of concerns: 1) Why does your mother know what you and your husband received from whom? 2) Why is she "concerned" that people will forget? None of this is any of her business and it's actually in bad form of you to share this information with her.

Tell your mother to butt-out and that you are not comfortable discussing this with her. Change the subject when she asks about it and if she persists, tell her directly that you will not discuss it with her. It's no one's business except yours and your husband's.

ETA: yes, I had guests attend my wedding and I did not receive a gift from them. I "dealt" with this by doing nothing - there's nothing, from an etiquette perspective, that one should do. Period.

climbingsingle · October 2013

Move on. No one is actually required to give you a gift.

mysticl · October 2013

They could send the gift later. I did this with one friend because she moved from the town where her wedding was to the town where her FI lived one week before their wedding and then they left on their honeymoon the day after the wedding, so I sent it to their home once I knew they were back.

They may not get you a gift for whatever reason.

Just move on, if any show up it's a happy surprise.

mommapizano · October 2013

Seriously don't worry about it and move on because gifts are by no means mandatory.

We aren't married yet but I wont' be upset if people don't give us something. It's really something that I don't expect, because I want the people to be there to celebrate with us and that's what's most important.

luna2121 · October 2013

Thanks, all!

I'm more than happy to let it go! I'm just glad all those folks were able to be a part of the evening.

s-aries8990 · October 2013

Tell you mom you didn't get married so you could be given presents

daveANDkristen · October 2013

Yes, traditionally wedding gifts could arrive up to a year later. More than likely though, if you don't receive something soon after, you probably aren't going to. Let's say the people who didn't buy you gifts do intend to send one, but (as your mom is concerned about) they forget. What would really be a big deal about that? I also wonder why your mom knows who did and did not give you a gift.

The bottom line is, it is nice for guests to bring you a gift, but it is not required. You can think badly of them if you want, or decline to send them a gift in the future. But there's no appropriate way to follow up with them about this, so it would be best to let it go.

photokitty · October 2013

OP, please put XP in the title of the thread when you post in multiple boards. It helps us knows you cross posted it. Thanks!

I answered your question over on the registering and gifts page

Gisellerina · October 2013

Congratulations! Like pp's said, there's nothing you should do about this. Don't let it bother you. They may or may not send gifts. It's been almost four months since our wedding - we received three gifts last week (all from friends who attended our wedding). So, it would have been rude and pointless of us to say something to our friends or to not say something, but be upset with them. Some (maybe even many) people send gifts months after the wedding. So some of your giftless guests may end up surprising you. And if not, don't let it bother you - some people just don't give wedding gifts/forget/think their spouse sent the gift/etc. Nothing to be offended or hurt by.

MrsMack10612 · October 2013

We didn't gifts from all of our guests and that's ok, except for one person. I know gifts are not expected, at all, ever. However, I do hold a bit of a grudge that my father did not give us a wedding gift. Before anyone asks - H & I paid for everything ourselves. I will never bring it up to him and I will not really hold it against him; but after a whole buncha BS he caused pre-wedding, the hurt/anger over that will always be there a little bit.

MrsLillyG · October 2013

Don't take it personally. Some people are broke, some people are forgetful and some just dont conduct themselves the ways others do.

banana468 · October 2013

I want to know why your mother is aware of such intimate details.

freebread03 · October 2013

I fall into the forgetful category-I attended a friend's wedding a few weeks ago and forgot to bring my checkbook. The card with check is still sitting on my kitchen counter waiting for me to put a stamp on it-it will get there, but yah, its a few weeks after the wedding.

ktjanesmom · October 2013

Personally I think that is a high number of guests that did not give a gift. I would be wondering myself, if something happened. I am curious about something else. All of you brides who say you dont expect anyone to bring you a gift..did/will you be registering?

climbingsingle · October 2013

ktjanesmom said:

Personally I think that is a high number of guests that did not give a gift. I would be wondering myself, if something happened. I am curious about something else. All of you brides who say you dont expect anyone to bring you a gift..did/will you be registering?

This is my second wedding (I know you love those!). I'm not registering. I'm not having a shower. And I'm not expecting anyone to bring a gift to the wedding.

ktjanesmom · October 2013

I have nothing against second weddings. Had one myself.

MrsLillyG · October 2013

ktjanesmom said:

Personally I think that is a high number of guests that did not give a gift. I would be wondering myself, if something happened. I am curious about something else. All of you brides who say you dont expect anyone to bring you a gift..did/will you be registering?

Like I said in my earlier post. some people conduct themselves in a different manner than other people do. I've seen brides on here say only 1/3 of their guest got them gifts. Well 99% of my guests got me gifts.

ex·pect [ ik spékt ]

confidently believe something: to believe with confidence, or think it likely, that an event will happen in the future
wait for anticipated thing: to wait for, or look forward to, something that is believed to be going to happen or arrive
demand something as right or duty: to demand or anticipate receiving something because of a perceived right to it or because it is due or appropriate

I did expect (defintion 1) gifts but did not expect (defintion 3) gifts.

annathy03 · October 2013

MrsLillyG said:

ktjanesmom said:

Personally I think that is a high number of guests that did not give a gift. I would be wondering myself, if something happened. I am curious about something else. All of you brides who say you dont expect anyone to bring you a gift..did/will you be registering?

Like I said in my earlier post. some people conduct themselves in a different manner than other people do. I've seen brides on here say only 1/3 of their guest got them gifts. Well 99% of my guests got me gifts.
ex·pect [ ik spékt ]

confidently believe something: to believe with confidence, or think it likely, that an event will happen in the future

wait for anticipated thing: to wait for, or look forward to, something that is believed to be going to happen or arrive

demand something as right or duty: to demand or anticipate receiving something because of a perceived right to it or because it is due or appropriate
I did expect (defintion 1) gifts but did not expect (defintion 3) gifts.

This. We are registering, but it's not a big deal if people don't get us gifts. A registry is meant to be a convenience for your guests, so that if they CHOOSE to get you a gift they have some direction on what type of towels or pans you'd prefer, and to hopefully avoid 4 different guests buying a toaster oven.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

ktjanesmom said:

Personally I think that is a high number of guests that did not give a gift. I would be wondering myself, if something happened. I am curious about something else. All of you brides who say you dont expect anyone to bring you a gift..did/will you be registering?

Yes. I registered. No I did not expect (definition 3) that people would bring me presents. I registered because most people do bring gifts to weddings and unless they bring money, they usually want to know what your china pattern is, what brand/color your towels are, etc. so that they can buy you something you will use. It is helpful for the guest.

MrsMack10612 · October 2013

annathy03 said:

MrsLillyG said:

ktjanesmom said:

Personally I think that is a high number of guests that did not give a gift. I would be wondering myself, if something happened. I am curious about something else. All of you brides who say you dont expect anyone to bring you a gift..did/will you be registering?

Like I said in my earlier post. some people conduct themselves in a different manner than other people do. I've seen brides on here say only 1/3 of their guest got them gifts. Well 99% of my guests got me gifts.
ex·pect [ ik spékt ]

confidently believe something: to believe with confidence, or think it likely, that an event will happen in the future

wait for anticipated thing: to wait for, or look forward to, something that is believed to be going to happen or arrive

demand something as right or duty: to demand or anticipate receiving something because of a perceived right to it or because it is due or appropriate
I did expect (defintion 1) gifts but did not expect (defintion 3) gifts.

This. We are registering, but it's not a big deal if people don't get us gifts. A registry is meant to be a convenience for your guests, so that if they CHOOSE to get you a gift they have some direction on what type of towels or pans you'd prefer, and to hopefully avoid 4 different guests buying a toaster oven.

Back when registries first started and the middle and lower classes were getting married, the registry was designed for family/friends to help the couple be able to set up housekeeping. The ONLY things that were registered (generally) for were china or silver patterns. These things were very expensive, this allowed one family member to buy one plate or one spoon and know that it was going to match what the newlyweds had. They would continue to give these items as gifts to the couple over anniveraries and other holidays. Registries were done at the local jewelers as well.

Most linens were collected by the bride as she grew up and were put in her hope chest until such time as she married.

photokitty · October 2013

ktjanesmom said:

Personally I think that is a high number of guests that did not give a gift. I would be wondering myself, if something happened. I am curious about something else. All of you brides who say you dont expect anyone to bring you a gift..did/will you be registering?

I don't think it is a high number - I had 17 people attend without giving a gift. I had another 5 people attend that gave us empty cards with well wishes (which I consider a thoughtful gift).

**I have a spreadsheet for my thank you note record keeping, so I looked this up real quick for argument's sake**

I did not register. Just like Christmas - I hoped I would get gifts, but I did not expect them. ;-p

delujm0 · October 2013

I would actually be surprised if a Bridesmaid got me a gift - considering that they have a cash outlay to be a part of the wedding. The bridesmaid that didn't get you anything had probably met her maximum from buying the dress, planning and attending parties, etc.

mommapizano · October 2013

ktjanesmom said:

Personally I think that is a high number of guests that did not give a gift. I would be wondering myself, if something happened. I am curious about something else. All of you brides who say you dont expect anyone to bring you a gift..did/will you be registering?

I did register. But I see registries more as a guide for those who want a guide. I actually felt weird about registering but so many people in my family were asking almost immediately after we got engaged that we decided to do it.

Our wedding requires most people to travel. Closest family lives about 2 hours from our venue and most of my family is 7+ hours away. So honestly, I am already so gracious that so many people are spending their money to travel, get a hotel, etc. to be with us. If they get us gifts, that is very generous but I really don't expect it since most are already spending money and taking time off work to attend.

Like photokitty, I think a lot of people might hope for gifts but not expect them.

NerdyLucy · October 2013

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Move on. No one is actually required to give you a gift.

This 100x.

MuppetOverlord · October 2013

luna2121 said:

My husband and I got married a few weeks ago, and in the aftermath of organizing thank you notes needs, we realized that there were 15-20 guests that attended to wedding and did not give a gift. In one instance, a guest gave a card, but no gift.

My mother is very bothered by this. I realize that guests have up to a year after the wedding to give a gift, but my mother is concerned that they will forget about it. The list includes cousins, one bridesmaid, and former co-workers and friends.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? Is there anything we should do at this point? Or is it just one of those things where we just move on with our lives?

There's several people who got us just a card which pleased us very much, and 4 people without anything -including 3 of my best friends.

It's odd the 3 didn't leave us one because we normally all give gifts and at the least, are very sentimental about cards but we're not saying anything. It's possible they got wrapped up as the 3 were in the bridal party..... who knows?

KickAssMOH · October 2013

I got married a few weeks ago too, and a few people did not give gifts, which we expected. In one instance, we recently attended this couple's wedding and gave a generous gift and they gave us nothing. Oh well. We got some nice cards with nothing inside - fine, who cares. Some of our less financially stable friends gave us big fat checks (that we felt SO guilty about depositing), and some wealthy family members gave very little. Also, we unexpectedly got a few really nice gifts from people who we did not invite. I also found that several friends of mine gave back the exact amount or same type of gift that I had given them at their weddings, which i found funny/interesting (do people really keep close track for that many years??) We're happy and we're moving on, and you should too.

photokitty · October 2013

KickAssMOH said:

I got married a few weeks ago too, and a few people did not give gifts, which we expected. In one instance, we recently attended this couple's wedding and gave a generous gift and they gave us nothing. Oh well. We got some nice cards with nothing inside - fine, who cares. Some of our less financially stable friends gave us big fat checks (that we felt SO guilty about depositing), and some wealthy family members gave very little. Also, we unexpectedly got a few really nice gifts from people who we did not invite. I also found that several friends of mine gave back the exact amount or same type of gift that I had given them at their weddings, which i found funny/interesting (do people really keep close track for that many years??) We're happy and we're moving on, and you should too.

Was it an odd amount?? I'm curious - like if someone wrote you a check for $20.03 bc they got married in 2003 and you thought it was cleave :-p

If it was $50 or $100 I'm sure it was coincidence. But I'm tempted to start writing an odd dollar amount just to check this theory out myself! :-D

KickAssMOH · October 2013

photokitty said:

KickAssMOH said:

I got married a few weeks ago too, and a few people did not give gifts, which we expected. In one instance, we recently attended this couple's wedding and gave a generous gift and they gave us nothing. Oh well. We got some nice cards with nothing inside - fine, who cares. Some of our less financially stable friends gave us big fat checks (that we felt SO guilty about depositing), and some wealthy family members gave very little. Also, we unexpectedly got a few really nice gifts from people who we did not invite. I also found that several friends of mine gave back the exact amount or same type of gift that I had given them at their weddings, which i found funny/interesting (do people really keep close track for that many years??) We're happy and we're moving on, and you should too.

Was it an odd amount?? I'm curious - like if someone wrote you a check for $20.03 bc they got married in 2003 and you thought it was cleave :-p
If it was $50 or $100 I'm sure it was coincidence. But I'm tempted to start writing an odd dollar amount just to check this theory out myself! :-D

Now that I am re-reading what I wrote, I realize I sound like an idiot. Sorry. So, the amounts were not unusual, but they were just EXACTLY what I had given them. I went from a poor grad student, to a poor professional, to a successfull adult...and I gave wedding gifts along the way that I could afford at the time. It went from $100, to 125, and then up in $25 increments, based on what I could afford. I guess I have a good memory. Basically, the longer a friend had been married, the less money they gave us as a gift because I had attended their weddings back when I was poor. Ha.

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