This might drive me up a wall... Brother went to a wedding

psychbabe314 · October 2013

So, my brother who is 19 (we will call him Adam) went to a Wedding last week. It was for his high school friend, who is also 19 (we will call him Peter). Peter got married to his FI (we will call her Sue) who turned 18 days before the wedding. Adam texted Peter to find out when the ceremony was. Peter then sent out a text message the day of to let Adam know when and where the ceremony was at. Sue's parents were not involved as they do not approve of it. So Peter, his parents, Adam, Sue and a few of Sue's closest girlfriends all went to city hall and signed got married. Then, they all went out to dinner.

I can't imagine getting married so young! I feel young, but they are even younger than me!

The texting thing really got me. I told my brother that it was rude to just go to a ceremony. He would have gotten an invite (or at least a verbal one) if he was actually invited. Everyone also paid for their own dinner.

I don't know... this one really left me rolling my eyes.

Jen4948 · October 2013

The ages of the couple are irrelevant.

It sounds like this was a very informal wedding, and even though he was texted, his presence at the ceremony was desired. Under the circumstances, I think he was invited, even if there was no snail-mailed invitation, and it wasn't rude for him to go.

As to everyone paying their own way at the dinner, yeah, Peter and Sue should have "hosted" something, but my guess is that due to inexperience they probably treated it like an "after-party" and everyone just informally agreed among themselves that they'd each pay their own way.

Just not a big enough deal to me to roll my eyes.

psychbabe314 · October 2013

@Jen4948, fair enough

Just to add though,Sue had posted on Facebook this big sob about how her parents had kicked her out of the house. From what I understand, her parents made it clear that as long as she was in school and living under their roof she was going to follow their rules. A big post saying "This started out as the happiest week of my life, but my parents have ruined it for me..." I feel bad for her, but at the same time, she wanted to get married.

Pepper6 · October 2013

psychbabe314 said:

@Jen4948, fair enough

Just to add though,Sue had posted on Facebook this big sob about how her parents had kicked her out of the house. From what I understand, her parents made it clear that as long as she was in school and living under their roof she was going to follow their rules. A big post saying "This started out as the happiest week of my life, but my parents have ruined it for me..." I feel bad for her, but at the same time, she wanted to get married.

Was she planning on still living with them after she got married?

psychbabe314 · October 2013

Pepper6 said:

psychbabe314 said:

@Jen4948, fair enough

Just to add though,Sue had posted on Facebook this big sob about how her parents had kicked her out of the house. From what I understand, her parents made it clear that as long as she was in school and living under their roof she was going to follow their rules. A big post saying "This started out as the happiest week of my life, but my parents have ruined it for me..." I feel bad for her, but at the same time, she wanted to get married.

Was she planning on still living with them after she got married?

She is still in high school, so I assume so. Peter is in the Navy, so he is actually lives in another state (California). Peter also leaves to go back to the Navy in a few weeks, so I really don't know.

mysticl · October 2013

psychbabe314 said:

Pepper6 said:

psychbabe314 said:

@Jen4948, fair enough

Just to add though,Sue had posted on Facebook this big sob about how her parents had kicked her out of the house. From what I understand, her parents made it clear that as long as she was in school and living under their roof she was going to follow their rules. A big post saying "This started out as the happiest week of my life, but my parents have ruined it for me..." I feel bad for her, but at the same time, she wanted to get married.

Was she planning on still living with them after she got married?

She is still in high school, so I assume so. Peter is in the Navy, so he is actually lives in another state (California). Peter also leaves to go back to the Navy in a few weeks, so I really don't know.

So, now she has to move to California with him and they have to scramble to find housing or he has to get her set up in an apartment in her home town before he reports back to base. They seriously did not think this through................and now I'm wondering if spouses are eligible to attend school at the DOD school on base.

nadine529 · October 2013

I'd chalk it up to being young and ignorant.

psychbabe314 · October 2013

@nadine529- yes, I am thinking the same thing. But, it is hard to believe that his parents just went with everything.

nadine529 · October 2013

Everyone is different. My parents would have slapped me into next Sunday.

psychbabe314 · October 2013

That is true :-)

[Deleted User] · October 2013

They were both old enough. I think at a certain point in a kids life, as parents all you can do is caution against bad choices and then (within reason if course) you just love your kids and support them. You lose them if you don't! Who thinks this girl is going to be calling her mom in the future for advice or just to bond? Maybe his parents understood that they could get married without their permission at all. I think it's better to caution your kids but still be there for them and then be able to help them pick up the pieces if something bad happens then it is to abandon them because you don't agree with their choices.

manateehugger · October 2013

Oh man - I know there are exceptions - but young, rushed military marriages rarely turn out well.

mysticl · October 2013

clairekundinger said:

They were both old enough. I think at a certain point in a kids life, as parents all you can do is caution against bad choices and then (within reason if course) you just love your kids and support them. You lose them if you don't! Who thinks this girl is going to be calling her mom in the future for advice or just to bond? Maybe his parents understood that they could get married without their permission at all. I think it's better to caution your kids but still be there for them and then be able to help them pick up the pieces if something bad happens then it is to abandon them because you don't agree with their choices.

Exactly, and since he's in the Military there isn't really anything they can do to him. He makes his own money, has his own place to live, it's not like he was going to change his mind if they took away his car keys. So they decided to maintain a relationship with their son.

psychbabe314 · October 2013

@mysticl makes sense

jenajjthr · October 2013

clairekundinger said:
They were both old enough. I think at a certain point in a kids life, as parents all you can do is caution against bad choices and then (within reason if course) you just love your kids and support them. You lose them if you don't! Who thinks this girl is going to be calling her mom in the future for advice or just to bond? Maybe his parents understood that they could get married without their permission at all. I think it's better to caution your kids but still be there for them and then be able to help them pick up the pieces if something bad happens then it is to abandon them because you don't agree with their choices.

This is so very true. I got married in April, graduated high school in May, to a Navy man. Was my mom happy, no and she let me know it. Was his stepmom happy, that would be a big NO. Difference was my mom recognized I was an " adult" and could make this decision. His stepmom wrote him a nasty letter about me which caused him to pack his belongings and leave ( he was home on leave). There was very little contact with his family for a long while because of that.

The marriage didn't work out, big surprise, but because my mom had my back no matter what I could go to her when I realized I had made a bad decision.

climbingsingle · October 2013

My parents were 19 and right out of high school when they got married. They're both 63 now and still married and still very happy. It can work.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

With the way the invites were done, sounds like they were trying to keep things quiet so her parents wouldn't stop it from happening. I don't feel sorry for her because it sounds like she knew what the consequences would be. Hopefully things work out for them. Unfortunately it sounds like they are having a rough start.

marshmallow1982 · October 2013

Is there some sort of practical reason why people in the Army/Navy get married young?

Its a shame that Sue's parents didn't go, if the marriage works out and they may regret not going.

Maggie0829 · October 2013

marshmallow1982 said:

Is there some sort of practical reason why people in the Army/Navy get married young?

Its a shame that Sue's parents didn't go, if the marriage works out and they may regret not going.

For anyone in this situation please tell me if I am wrong...

H has a cousin who proposed to his GF the day after he got back from training (he is maybe 21 and she is 20) and they got married the next week and are now planning a PPD (gag!) In my view point it seems that these young couples feel that the only way that they can stay together during deployments, training, etc is to get married. I think that they feel that having that marriage license will keep them together. In fact H's cousin who I mentioned above proposed to his GF to "lock her in" for lack of a better word so he didn't have to worry about her cheating on him while he was away. Right there speaks volumes of this persons maturity level.

I know that the above is not always the case and exceptions do happen for people who get married very young, but the majority of marriages that happen young whether it be military or otherwise just never work out.

Edited because I have spelling issues.

mysticl · October 2013

marshmallow1982 said:

Is there some sort of practical reason why people in the Army/Navy get married young?

Its a shame that Sue's parents didn't go, if the marriage works out and they may regret not going.

I don't know if I'd call it "practical" but one reason is the distance thing and not just deployments. Military members move. Some do get lucky and manage to stay in the same place for years (my DH spent 9 years in Hawaii before we met) but it's not always the case. And it's not just long distance where one is in one person is in VA and the other is in GA. That other person could be in Japan, Guam, Germany, etc. It makes visiting very difficult and a service member can't just take a long weekend and go somewhere. At his last duty station DH was not allowed to travel more than 200 miles from base unless he was officially on leave. It didn't matter if it was a weekend, he couldn't go farther than that. Where we are now he has a little more leeway because of the job he has. It's a lot for a relationship to survive. Does that make getting married at 19 a good idea? In most cases probably not, but that's what happens.

katieg520 · October 2013

Well, as a former military spouse, there is a BIG difference in benefits of being a military spouse than a military girlfriend. When you are married to the man in the military, you are also covered with the military insurance. Maybe that's a reason why they rush to get married???

Jen4948 · October 2013

marshmallow1982 said:

Is there some sort of practical reason why people in the Army/Navy get married young?

Its a shame that Sue's parents didn't go, if the marriage works out and they may regret not going.

Maybe because they're aware that their work puts them at risk of losing their good health and lives much sooner than they might be ready to, so they want to make the most of what time they have, and that could include marrying whoever is then the love of their life in order to maximize their time together.

mysticl · October 2013

katieg520 said:

Well, as a former military spouse, there is a BIG difference in benefits of being a military spouse than a military girlfriend. When you are married to the man in the military, you are also covered with the military insurance. Maybe that's a reason why they rush to get married???

That and they pay to move you if he's transferred to a place that allows him to be accompanied. That was a factor in the timing of our wedding.

psychbabe314 · October 2013

Hmmm... all very interesting comments and suggestions. My personal experience with marrying that young has been negative.

labro · October 2013

I have a hard time sympathizing with the whole my BF is military so we must get married NOW NOW NOW. My parents dated for 6 months before they got engaged...had a 6 month engagement and then had their wedding...no JOP with a PPD later...they had it exactly as they wanted it, in a church on base, with friends and family in attendance, and a reception at the NCO club to follow. Maybe their ages had something to do with it since neither of my parents were kids just barely out of high school when they met and got married. But still...

My BF's parent's had something similar too. His dad was in the Navy. He and his mom dated for several months, nearly broke up, made up, got engaged and had their wedding several months later. They were both young (19 and 21 I think), and while BF's dad could have been shipped out at any time they still proceeded with having a traditional wedding/reception as planned. They didn't go see a JOP as a formality with a PPD later either.

mysticl · October 2013

lmhollister said:

I have a hard time sympathizing with the whole my BF is military so we must get married NOW NOW NOW. My parents dated for 6 months before they got engaged...had a 6 month engagement and then had their wedding...no JOP with a PPD later...they had it exactly as they wanted it, in a church on base, with friends and family in attendance, and a reception at the NCO club to follow. Maybe their ages had something to do with it since neither of my parents were kids just barely out of high school when they met and got married. But still...

My BF's parent's had something similar too. His dad was in the Navy. He and his mom dated for several months, nearly broke up, made up, got engaged and had their wedding several months later. They were both young (19 and 21 I think), and while BF's dad could have been shipped out at any time they still proceeded with having a traditional wedding/reception as planned. They didn't go see a JOP as a formality with a PPD later either.

You pretty much just described my wedding on we dated a year and a half before we got married.

mysticl · October 2013

psychbabe314 said:

Hmmm... all very interesting comments and suggestions. My personal experience with marrying that young has been negative.

Statistically speaking you are correct. The younger that the youngest partner (am I making sense) is at the time of the marriage the higher the chance of divorce.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

There is also a serious pay difference in a married and not married military man! The basic housing allowance is way different plus separation pay. It's not a great reason to get married but it's certainly a reason I've seen people get married! My ex husband was in the ARMY and we saw a lot of that.

psychbabe314 · October 2013

clairekundinger said:

There is also a serious pay difference in a married and not married military man! The basic housing allowance is way different plus separation pay. It's not a great reason to get married but it's certainly a reason I've seen people get married! My ex husband was in the ARMY and we saw a lot of that.

I didn't know that, that could be a reason they went for it too

Doesntplaynice82 · October 2013

marshmallow1982 said:

Is there some sort of practical reason why people in the Army/Navy get married young?

Its a shame that Sue's parents didn't go, if the marriage works out and they may regret not going.

I think young people in the Military get married because as soon as you leave and get to your duty station you can't have your GF move in with you. Even if your GF is preggers with YOUR child...she does not get any medical benefits for the pregnancy and that child is not treated as yours until it is born. (i know that isn't the case here)

I was in the Army for 8 years and my dumb a$$ got married to another soldier after 4 months because I thought I was in love....and you get more money and can live offpost. Why was I so stupid!!

You know there is no waiting period for a military member to get married...they should have a 1 month waiting period and mandatory counselng because most people would change their minds!!!

[Deleted User] · October 2013

It's almost like the military WANTS you to be married.

This might drive me up a wall... Brother went to a wedding

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