Wedding Etiquette Forum

Its cheaper to rent a beach house for my wedding, how do i ask guests to pitch in??

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Re: Its cheaper to rent a beach house for my wedding, how do i ask guests to pitch in??

  • mrskaiser22mrskaiser22 member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited October 2013
    kristbot said:
    twiggy327 said:
    Im starting to get defensive. I didnt post on here that its required for someone to pay for a room and stay at this beach house if you want to come with me when i get married. Its an option. I obviously would not have booked it unless I undersood that of course things happen and would have to make up the difference in funds if people chose not to go or chose to stay someplace else and am prepared to do so. By the majority of responses I got It was like i was asking people to donate their first born child to my cause. I realize that there is an etiquette "rule book," but I highly doubt I will be burned at stake, stoned to death, or muttered about behind my back by Aunt Marge and Granny Claire for wanting to give my guests the option of a house rather than hotel. Im not worrying about it anymore. Its going to be great to not have to share my place of sleep during my wedding week with a hotel full of strangers and have my own pool and beach to swim in. 
    *Sigh*
    You were doing so well up until here. You asked for advice on your situation and you got a lot of varying opinions. No one thinks you're a bad person, you just made not the best choice for your guests. People can only respond to what you write, so no, we don't know all the details, and at first it didn't seem as though you knew what you had gotten into.

    Call your guests, put it on your wedding website, put it on your STD, you've got lots of options to choose from now. 
    this.  I thought everything  in this thread was going pretty well for you, including your attitude, until this post.  No one suggested you were going to hell for setting this all up.  I'm not sure why you're getting so defensive all of a sudden.

    eta grammar
    PrettyGirlLost
  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    twiggy327 said:
    Im already paying for a quarter of the cost out of pocket to make it less expensive for them
    OK I am really confused now.  You are paying 25% of the rental yourself?  If I am understanding you correctly the true cost of the rental is $475 per person.  You are paying $125 (25%) of that per person to make the cost for your guests $350 (the other 75%) per person.  40 people x $125 per person = $5000.  That would also make the total cost of the rental $19,000+.  Then you said you would be providing most of the food and drink for the whole week.  And then on top of that the actual wedding.  Do you have the money in your budget to cover all of this?  If so, great.  If not, I am super duper concerned for you.

    I'm sorry, but this is really not your responsibility to cover that much of your guests expenses, no matter who they are.  It sounds like this is all coming from a good place, and NO ONE is saying you did anything wrong.  In fact, we are saying just the opposite that you have gone completely above and beyond but unfortunately have taken on a lot of risk.  No matter how much these people want to come, cancellations happen.  Then you have the strange dynamic of collecting the money yourself rather than it going through a third party like a hotel.  Collecting money from people is a huge undertaking in itself and there are tons of people out there that have zero motivation to pay their debts.  What if they decide to stay elsewhere?  What if they misunderstood your inquiry as "would you be interested" rather than a hard commitment to stay there?  There are just many variables that will add emotional and financial stress to your planning.

    My best advice is - collect as much as you can before the wedding.  It sounds like these are people who are close to you and will probably be somewhat cooperative, but plan on taking a bigger financial hit on this than you expected.

    PS - you may want to double check your rental contract again.  Many places charge taxes (hotels rates can range up to 20% based on the area) and housekeeping fees (and with multiple houses it could be steep).  I hope this all works out for you.  :)
    annathy03PrettyGirlLostmrskaiser22
  • I am so confused.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

    PrettyGirlLostmrskaiser22
  • cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 2013
    Although not ideal, I would give the guests staying in the beach houses a deadline and a payment amount to cover their share of accommodations costs.  Personally I don't know if I would want to spend the entire week at the beach for your wedding so the deal you arranged would have no effect on me (just you if you counted on me to cover the costs).  As long as you can get enough people to stay at the compound you should be fine.  GL!

    Edit for clarity
  • I'm a little confused as to exactly what you are paying for/what your guests will be paying for, but I don't think you are totally screwed, especially if you consulted people to gauge their interest before booking.  However, you do need to be prepared to cover the entire cost yourselves in case people back out.

    I think something along the lines of the wording that PP posted will work fine.  It doesn't sound pushy, which would be my main concern with this situation.
  • OP, I am sorry you got into this situation. It sounds like you didn't know any better and you had good intentions for your guests.

    My mom suggested the same thing, basically prepaying a room block for all the guests "$50 a night if you prepay and have the guests reimburse you, it's such a great deal for the guests!" she said. This was before I realized that she doesn't know a thing about wedding planning and I almost fell for it too.

    I would go ahead with it. I would have a section on the wedding website with the wording others have mentioned. Since you have a small wedding, you can spread the info through the grapevine. Push back on your mom if she was the one who talked you into this! She can help you spread the information to friends and family members. Your guests have no obligation to stay there but I'm guessing most will since they've already expressed interest.

    Finally, don't take the responses on here too personally. People on this board can be very harsh, it's not about you.
  • I agree that I don't think you did anything wrong etiquette wise, but you have put yourself in a big financial risk.

    You found a good deal for your guests, offered it up, and they liked the idea, so you went with it. The issue though, is what if they back out? But, you've paid the deposit now, so that is said and done.

    Do you have a wedding website? I would use Kitty's wording and put it on your website if you have one. Then, guests who want to take part ($350 for a week stay is a really good price! Hotels in the area of my wedding venue cost on average $100 per night!) can choose to do so and give you the money. Otherwise, I would personally call each of the guests opposed to putting the information on the STD and let them know the details (cost, when you need the money by) IF they are still interested.

    I agree, you don't need to cover your guests' meals or drinks for the week prior, so use that money to cover any remaining costs if you don't have as many guests stay as you would like. 
    MGPPrettyGirlLostKeptInStitches
  • msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited October 2013

    If it helps at all, I'm doing a similar thing for my wedding. We've rented a beach house, and have 5 other couples staying with us. The rest of the guests are staying at nearby resorts. The wedding is at a restaurant nearby.

    Yes, it is weird to ask people for money, and I get it. But, you do what you have to, and you expect people to live up to their agreements. I trust my friends to do so and am not stressing about it. If some people get back to us later than others, than it's not the end of the world.  We have the money to front all of it if need be. The point is, as long as you are prepared, and not hounding people for money, then it'll go fine.

    Edit: I should probably add, that I'm not putting anything in their invitations. Most of our conversations have been in e-mail chains and in-person. I'll send an e-mail out with the total costs and paypal address for everyone about two months before the wedding. And go from there.

    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • edited October 2013
    I totally rolled my eyes at your comment about getting defensive. There's really no reason for that. You've asked for help, we are giving you opinions. You can take them or leave them but no one has made any unreasonable or hurtful statements towards you.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
    PrettyGirlLostmrskaiser22KeptInStitches
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    twiggy327 said:
     my entire family is from pittsburgh except for 2 in DC and 2 Daytona and all are going to stay the week but even if they werent I wouldnt charge them more. Im already paying for a quarter of the cost out of pocket to make it less expensive for them
    I'm from Pittsburgh :-)

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    twiggy327
  • I think it would be best to deal with these as two separate events/ issues. Don't include info on the STD's or your wedding website. Just email or call the people who have expressed interest in staying at the beach compound and say, "Hey, if you still want to spend the week with us let me know, payment is due by x date." People arrange house rentals all the time, just keep it separate from the wedding and you'll feel less icky about the whole thing. 

    I think what some of the PP were trying to point out was that even if this wasn't a WR issue you were still opening yourself up to a huge financial hit by trying to set this up yourself. Its not a breach of E to suggest renting a beach house for a family vacation, it does open you up to liability if people back out. Also, IMHO, since you are renting this 'compound' with your and FI's family I would expect to spend a fair amount of time with them, so that it doesn't seem like you were having them subsidize your HM, which would be rude and against E.  




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  • twiggy327 said:
     my entire family is from pittsburgh except for 2 in DC and 2 Daytona and all are going to stay the week but even if they werent I wouldnt charge them more. Im already paying for a quarter of the cost out of pocket to make it less expensive for them
    I'm from Pittsburgh :-)
    Let's go Pens!
    PrettyGirlLost
  • the total cost for the house is not 19k. I said somewhere in a previous post that alot of the head count goes to children and of course only adults were counted in the tally, 30 give or take a person or 2. Total cost per person if I got technical would be like 360something once my 4k was taken out. It doesnt really matter, I can pay for whoever backs out. I'll know better for my next wedding, jk jk :)  I read back through my posts from yesterday and must have had some sort of diet coke deprivation psychosis. I feel like an idiot. I really hate planning things. That is why i kind of let my mother take the reigns from me and i should have spoken up about the house as i knew better. we should have just eloped and let Elvis marry us in Vegas. This whole planning thing really isnt for me. I am utterly embarrassed and feel like a fire breathing Bridezilla...
    mrskaiser22KeptInStitchesPrettyGirlLost
  • @twiggy327 - we all have our freak outs and melt downs. No worries! :) I hope you got the help you were looking for. Good luck!
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • twiggy327 said:
    the total cost for the house is not 19k. I said somewhere in a previous post that alot of the head count goes to children and of course only adults were counted in the tally, 30 give or take a person or 2. Total cost per person if I got technical would be like 360something once my 4k was taken out. It doesnt really matter, I can pay for whoever backs out. I'll know better for my next wedding, jk jk :)  I read back through my posts from yesterday and must have had some sort of diet coke deprivation psychosis. I feel like an idiot. I really hate planning things. That is why i kind of let my mother take the reigns from me and i should have spoken up about the house as i knew better. we should have just eloped and let Elvis marry us in Vegas. This whole planning thing really isnt for me. I am utterly embarrassed and feel like a fire breathing Bridezilla...
    You definitely should not be embarrassed.  I'm pretty sure most of us have all had our "what the fuck are you coming at me like that for!!!!!!!!!!!!" posts on TK.

    Regarding planning stress... don't let it get to you.  Do one thing at a time, and remind yourself what the outcome is.  
    PrettyGirlLost
  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    twiggy327 said:
    the total cost for the house is not 19k. I said somewhere in a previous post that alot of the head count goes to children and of course only adults were counted in the tally, 30 give or take a person or 2. Total cost per person if I got technical would be like 360something once my 4k was taken out. It doesnt really matter, I can pay for whoever backs out. I'll know better for my next wedding, jk jk :)  I read back through my posts from yesterday and must have had some sort of diet coke deprivation psychosis. I feel like an idiot. I really hate planning things. That is why i kind of let my mother take the reigns from me and i should have spoken up about the house as i knew better. we should have just eloped and let Elvis marry us in Vegas. This whole planning thing really isnt for me. I am utterly embarrassed and feel like a fire breathing Bridezilla...
    You definitely should not be embarrassed.  I'm pretty sure most of us have all had our "what the fuck are you coming at me like that for!!!!!!!!!!!!" posts on TK.

    Regarding planning stress... don't let it get to you.  Do one thing at a time, and remind yourself what the outcome is.  
    It's totally fine we all have those moments.  And once I responded I re read what I wrote and realized that with so many kids my estimates were probably off.

    Either way, I think it's extremely generous of you to do what you are doing and hope everything goes great.  I still stand by my advice of not providing so much food and drink for the week.  All of those meals and drinks will add up quickly (and you have to count kids in that count because they WILL eat and drink).

    Good luck and let us know how it goes!
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I freaked out 4 days before my wedding. Better to get it over with now.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Shit happens.  Everyone has one freak out moment before the wedding day (I know I did...my poor H was on the receiving end of that one).  No harm, no foul.  But it is great that you recognized your freak out.  Some brides don't and those are the ones' that are then featured on the show "Bridezilla's" :)

    mrskaiser22
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