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My mother and the B list!!!

katieg520katieg520 member
500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So my mom has offered and is paying for the venue. Thank you, mommy!!! Well, the guest list has been the only difficult part of this whole thing because we are keeping it relatively small. My mom wants to invite her hair dresser, personal trainer, and other people I've never even met. And since she is paying for the venue, I am keeping my mouth shut. But last night, she said something and I just had to speak up about it. She said, "Oh after we send the invitations and hear back from people, if we get some 'nos' then we will invite some other people." Are you kidding me!!!? I said "Mom, that's called a B list and it's extremely rude! People will know they've been B listed and get more offended than if we didn't  just invite them." I also lost a BM so that makes the BP uneven from the bride's side to the "groom's" side. I, personally, couldn't give two shits if the sides are even or not. My mom suggested I ask my brother's gf to be a BM. I have met this girl all of twice and she and my brother literally just started dating. I was like, "MOM! I don't even know this girl! Why would she be in my bridal party!?" Smh... Anyway, just venting. No, I won't allow a B list. If we get declines, then we just get declines.
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Re: My mother and the B list!!!

  • melbelleupmelbelleup member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    I've been B listed. Nothing like getting an invite when the RSVP date is a week - 2 weeks after you get the invite... or even passed.
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  • melbelleupmelbelleup member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    katieg520 said:
    My mom isn't paying for invitations, nor is she sending them out, so I won't be B-listing anyone.
    Smart woman :)
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  • cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Sounds like you handled this well.  I personally have never been B-Listed so I cannot speak from experience like others can, but I still find it terribly rude.  If I was ever added as a B-Lister I would decline and not even send a gift...but thats just me.
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  • katieg520katieg520 member
    500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its First Answer
    I have never been B listed, but if I were, I wouldn't really care. I recently commented on a different thread that I don't spend too much time worrying about things like that and I just go with the flow. Now, I would definitely know if I had been B listed, but I just don't care. I tend to be more understanding when I am the one being invited somewhere that things just happen for whatever reason. I try not to take things like that personally.
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yeah, I would definitely never B-list anyone. I have been B-listed though and for me, how I feel depends on the nature of the wedding. Is it pretty small (100 or less)? Do I sense the couple is on a budget? Do they have a huge family to accommodate first?  In those cases, I don't mind the B-list. But when you know there are 200, 250 guests or more and the event is rather lavish, and then you're B-listed? Shows just how little the couple cares about you in their life and feels more like you're just filling a seat and providing a gift. 
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  • melbelleupmelbelleup member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Yeah, I would definitely never B-list anyone. I have been B-listed though and for me, how I feel depends on the nature of the wedding. Is it pretty small (100 or less)? Do I sense the couple is on a budget? Do they have a huge family to accommodate first?  In those cases, I don't mind the B-list. But when you know there are 200, 250 guests or more and the event is rather lavish, and then you're B-listed? Shows just how little the couple cares about you in their life and feels more like you're just filling a seat and providing a gift.


    Yep. You hit the nail on the head. The one I was B-listed on was my brother's best friend. He invited my brothers (both of them and their SO's) and my parents. I'm cool with being forgotten since honestly, other than taking German with his sister, I didn't know him. I never hung out with him and his SO or any of his family members for that matter. BUT I was B-listed because they didn't meet their venue count, so they were just adding random people. Regardless if they had that many people there or not they had to pay for them. Ironically I was planning on being in town the time of his wedding already, but I declined (though my parents begged me to go because we could all hang out at a wedding together) and instead spent the day with my FI's parents and aunts and uncles.
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  • nswearensweare member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    kmmssg said:

    I have to laugh sometimes at my generations and those before me.  We were taught that if you didn't have even sides, with matching, cloned BM's your marriage would be invalid. 


    I am envious of the younger generation who finally said "WHY is this necessary?  WHY aren't people more important than photos?"  Isn't it kind of shameful that we had such blind allegiance to the idea of "this is how things are done, and It must be done this way or it will be scandalous!"

    I have to say my all time favorite thing to see is mix gender-ed sides.  My 2 best friends for the last 26 years are guys.  Oh, how I would have loved to have them stand beside me, but I never gave it a thought (and they are of my generation and probably would have thought it too scandalous) to ask them to stand up with me.

    So, ignore your mom on the B list and you young'uns just go on with your bad selves breaking all the dumb traditions my and my mother's generations thought were carved in stone.
    I love this! Also, I think it explains a lot why brides come here and talk about "filling a spot" and such in the bridal party. All too often we jump down their throats about pictures being more important than people (and sometimes they deserve it), when the Bride may just not really know any better.
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  • casey8784casey8784 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    B-listing is rude, and there's no way that I'll be doing it for my wedding - already had to nip it in the bud with my FFIL! He wanted me to send out the invites 4-5 months in advance with a VERY early rsvp date, so once we got enough "no's" he could invite more of his friends, with those invites still within the standard 4-6 week send out date. (Riiiiiiight, like I'm going to let him be in control of the guest list - if he was, the guest count would be well over 350, and we're trying to keep it under 200 - all sides have had to make tough cuts!)

    However, my FI and I have been B-listed twice, and neither time were we offended. Both the grooms are co-workers/good friends of my FI (fire fighters). One had a decently small wedding and had some family members not come cause of a medical issue, so that there was an entire table that would be empty, so the groom invited a handful of guys from his station and their SOs - we got a phone invite the week before the wedding. The other wedding was a *very* small wedding (i think i counted no more than 30 people, and all but 5 or 6 people were the bride and groom's family). I'm not sure if this was really a "b-list" cause we got our invite very shortly after everyone else got theirs - well within enough time for getting our rsvp back, but we were surprised nontheless, since we didn't expect to be invited at all. In both cases, there were very few friends of the couple, was mainly family, so I understood that when more seats opened up, they asked a few to come.

    For our wedding next year, we've invited some of the guys my FI works with. The others have asked if it would be alright if they meet up with us at the informal "after-party" we're planning on having at a local bar (They asked us, we didn't suggest the idea to them!) cause they said they'd still like to celebrate with us with a few drinks. We still haven't decided on that yet though.
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  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    nsweare said:
    I have to laugh sometimes at my generations and those before me.  We were taught that if you didn't have even sides, with matching, cloned BM's your marriage would be invalid. 

    I am envious of the younger generation who finally said "WHY is this necessary?  WHY aren't people more important than photos?"  Isn't it kind of shameful that we had such blind allegiance to the idea of "this is how things are done, and It must be done this way or it will be scandalous!"

    I have to say my all time favorite thing to see is mix gender-ed sides.  My 2 best friends for the last 26 years are guys.  Oh, how I would have loved to have them stand beside me, but I never gave it a thought (and they are of my generation and probably would have thought it too scandalous) to ask them to stand up with me.

    So, ignore your mom on the B list and you young'uns just go on with your bad selves breaking all the dumb traditions my and my mother's generations thought were carved in stone.
    I love this! Also, I think it explains a lot why brides come here and talk about "filling a spot" and such in the bridal party. All too often we jump down their throats about pictures being more important than people (and sometimes they deserve it), when the Bride may just not really know any better.
    For the longest time I thought you had a maid of honor, 2 bridesmaids, a best man, and 2 groomsmen.  The groomsmen could also act as ushers or you could have separate ushers.  The bridesmaids either all wore the same dress or the maid of honor wore the same dress (or very similar one) in a different color.  This is how every wedding I went to was until I was 15.  
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  • ashleyepashleyep member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited October 2013
    thisismynickname said:
    Yeah, I would definitely never B-list anyone. I have been B-listed though and for me, how I feel depends on the nature of the wedding. Is it pretty small (100 or less)? Do I sense the couple is on a budget? Do they have a huge family to accommodate first?  In those cases, I don't mind the B-list. But when you know there are 200, 250 guests or more and the event is rather lavish, and then you're B-listed? Shows just how little the couple cares about you in their life and feels more like you're just filling a seat and providing a gift. 
    My venue has a maximum capacity of 200. When we start planning and putting together our guest list, I never thought we'd get anywhere near that. But once I finally tallied all of our friends and their SOs, my fiance tallied up all of his family members, and my parents (finally) gave me their list of friends they want (since they're paying for the bulk of the reception), we're definitely pushing that line. I still have a budget, my wedding is not this huge lavish affair just because I have 200 people. Our family members make up over well over half of that number, and that's only aunts/uncles/first cousins, not any further out than that. 

    Not that I would ever B-list anyone, but if I did, it would be coworkers and teammates who I'd love to invite, but I just don't have the room or the budget to do so. It doesn't mean I just want a gift from them. My budget might be bigger than a lot of peoples, but it's not infinite.

    Personally, being B-listed probably wouldn't bother me depending on the circle I know you from - coworkers or members of the same club that I see often, but aren't necessarily friends with outside of work? Wouldn't bother me. Old friends would just make me feel like I wasn't good enough though.
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