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Confusion, aggravation and non-traditional

KyrazaKyraza member
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in Wedding Woes
So after being confused and bombarded with answers to my wedding guest thingy, on a scale of 1 to 10, how mad do you think people would get if i just went to NYC and got married? (my fiance and i, maid of honor, best man and our parents) I've gotten so tired of fighting about it. i have an insanely small budget and gosh darn it im sticking to it! i dont want big ornate and goddy, if i wanted that i would go rococo style and go all out but for the love of god man. all i want is to be happy. (i'm young what of it?) i'm 22 years old and yes i've been with the person im engage to for almost a quarter of my life. its more than what most people my age can say for themselves. hes my best friends and has been there for me through everything. (my grandfather dying, an abusive relationship, my depression and my self harming past) seriously this is all i want and all i have wanted since year one of us actually being together hes been my best friend since 9th grade. we started going out when we were juniors on high school and when we were seniors on high school he proposed to me. we haven't exactly been the traditional couple. we have problems, we fight and we admit it. we are young its sort of what we do, we are out spoken and sometimes totally out of control, but while we are out of control we are the happiest pair of 22 year old you have ever seen. we use to go on long walks down the Erie Canal at night what the moon just lite up everything like it was magical, we haven't spent more than 2 days apart in 5 years.... i know that sounds mega unhealthy but seriously any other way we are calling each other every couple hours just to hear each others voices. its insane i know. I don't want to worry about the really small budget. i want to know what people would think if i had the wedding and the honeymoon before the reception. honest to god i have seen it done once before and it still had that feeling of love and best wishes to it. i also don't want people there who i have had bad experiences with in my life even if they are family (my aunt spreed a rumor that i was pregers and living with my grandmother along with my FI a while back and im still mad at her about it) seriously things like that aggravate the living hell out of me and i really don't want to see her at my wedding or the reception. I want a judge (im atheist and so is my FI), in a park, leafs changing to all those nice fall colors, people we can trust and love to witness this awesomeness in its entirety and no worries about wedding rumors by jealous family members. is that honest to god too much to ask? this being said how do i go about telling my mom that i don't want 100+ people there? i asked her about what i should do about the reception and she drew up this big list of people i don't know or don't want to know or just plain don't want there... i know it sounds terrible that there are people out there that i just straight up don't want there on my big day or rather the party for it. I have had enough drama in my life. i don't need others creating more of it because i'm having a non-traditional wedding that will make me happy.
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Re: Confusion, aggravation and non-traditional

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    blueobsidianblueobsidian member
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    Kyraza said:
    So after being confused and bombarded with answers to my wedding guest thingy, on a scale of 1 to 10, how mad do you think people would get if i just went to NYC and got married? (my fiance and i, maid of honor, best man and our parents) I've gotten so tired of fighting about it. i have an insanely small budget and gosh darn it im sticking to it! i dont want big ornate and goddy, if i wanted that i would go rococo style and go all out but for the love of god man. all i want is to be happy. (i'm young what of it?) i'm 22 years old and yes i've been with the person im engage to for almost a quarter of my life. its more than what most people my age can say for themselves. hes my best friends and has been there for me through everything. (my grandfather dying, an abusive relationship, my depression and my self harming past) seriously this is all i want and all i have wanted since year one of us actually being together hes been my best friend since 9th grade. we started going out when we were juniors on high school and when we were seniors on high school he proposed to me. we haven't exactly been the traditional couple. we have problems, we fight and we admit it. we are young its sort of what we do, we are out spoken and sometimes totally out of control, but while we are out of control we are the happiest pair of 22 year old you have ever seen. we use to go on long walks down the Erie Canal at night what the moon just lite up everything like it was magical, we haven't spent more than 2 days apart in 5 years.... i know that sounds mega unhealthy but seriously any other way we are calling each other every couple hours just to hear each others voices. its insane i know. I don't want to worry about the really small budget. i want to know what people would think if i had the wedding and the honeymoon before the reception. honest to god i have seen it done once before and it still had that feeling of love and best wishes to it. i also don't want people there who i have had bad experiences with in my life even if they are family (my aunt spreed a rumor that i was pregers and living with my grandmother along with my FI a while back and im still mad at her about it) seriously things like that aggravate the living hell out of me and i really don't want to see her at my wedding or the reception. I want a judge (im atheist and so is my FI), in a park, leafs changing to all those nice fall colors, people we can trust and love to witness this awesomeness in its entirety and no worries about wedding rumors by jealous family members. is that honest to god too much to ask? this being said how do i go about telling my mom that i don't want 100+ people there? i asked her about what i should do about the reception and she drew up this big list of people i don't know or don't want to know or just plain don't want there... i know it sounds terrible that there are people out there that i just straight up don't want there on my big day or rather the party for it. I have had enough drama in my life. i don't need others creating more of it because i'm having a non-traditional wedding that will make me happy.
    If you are adult enough to get married, you are adult enough to sit down and have a conversation with your mother.  Tell her that you want to have a small wedding with immediate families.  Don't accept money for the wedding from anyone, just plan and pay for the wedding that you want.
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    jojobrnjojobrn member
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    Gaudy. Light. Pregnant. Leaves.

    Why not finish school, get careers established, and then get married? I am side eyeing your plan to use money that sounds as though it was meant for your education. I believe that should be your focus right now.
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    PirateBarbiePirateBarbie member
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    you got plenty of good advice on your other post.

    making a second post will not negate that. 

    you sound very immature (I'm not referring to your age), and it sounds like you need to get your priorities straight. 
    supporting yourself and school>>>>>>>having any sort of wedding/party. 

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    KyrazaKyraza member
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    Um, How I was raised and what education I have, doesn't pertain to this. My education will continue until I decide to stop. My education is not apart of the problem, I'm allowed to be imperfect, I know my limits, and my priorities are not the problem. Seriously, leave my education out of it. As for supporting myself, that's why I want a small wedding. No offense, also leave my budget out of it, It's no one else business really how inexpensive this thing is going to be, and if anything really its insulting to call me immature, and just goes to show some people are going for a huge wedding that is fairly expense. Why on earth would I want to spend a ton of money a single day when I can make the rest of our lives a little easier by going small and memorable rather that gigantic and a pain in the wallet, bank account and credit score. Really!? No way am I going to break the bank when I don't have to. As far as im concerned I have just been insulted by most people that decided to wander upon this post. I came on here after looking for months, for a bit of advice on how to handle and break it to my mother more or less painlessly that I don't want a big wedding. I don't have a strong relationship with her or my dad. I don't really know how to talk to them as a daughter to a parent. Forget about it, I should have known better to ask online.
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    blueobsidianblueobsidian member
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    Kyraza said:
    Um, How I was raised and what education I have, doesn't pertain to this. My education will continue until I decide to stop. My education is not apart of the problem, I'm allowed to be imperfect, I know my limits, and my priorities are not the problem. Seriously, leave my education out of it. As for supporting myself, that's why I want a small wedding. No offense, also leave my budget out of it, It's no one else business really how inexpensive this thing is going to be, and if anything really its insulting to call me immature, and just goes to show some people are going for a huge wedding that is fairly expense. Why on earth would I want to spend a ton of money a single day when I can make the rest of our lives a little easier by going small and memorable rather that gigantic and a pain in the wallet, bank account and credit score. Really!? No way am I going to break the bank when I don't have to. As far as im concerned I have just been insulted by most people that decided to wander upon this post. I came on here after looking for months, for a bit of advice on how to handle and break it to my mother more or less painlessly that I don't want a big wedding. I don't have a strong relationship with her or my dad. I don't really know how to talk to them as a daughter to a parent. Forget about it, I should have known better to ask online.
    Look, some conversations are hard.  You just have to have them.  You act like an adult and say what you want, in a firm but polite manner.  Maybe she won't like it.  But you are saying that you are old enough to get married, so you need to suck it up and have the conversation.  Life is full of hard conversations.  Marriage is full of hard conversations.  

    Exactly what advice do you want?  None of us know your mother and can tell you exactly what to say to make it all better.  There may not be anything.  If she wants a big, expensive wedding, she may be angry about your choices.  What does that change?
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    KyrazaKyraza member
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    believe me i would kill to be 19 again. i miss being just out of high school, i would have chosen to go to college earlier rather than just sit for a year "trying to find myself". i have already learned that was a waste of a year. i could have been out there in the world experiencing new jobs and probably would have had a better grasp on my life by now. i hindered an entire year of growth and new experiences that could have made my life easier and or harder but it would have been worth it to just have that past of my life more memorable rather than saying "yeah, i took a year off of learning to "find myself". i know no one knows my mom but I'm sure someone out there has a crazy Italian/Sicilian mother other than me. I'm not worried about my dad, he's really happy that we decided to get married. I'm the first of 4 children to go a more traditional route even though the wedding itself is very non-traditional. with everything going on around us we just think it would be better for a smaller wedding so we don't get stressed out and i don't think i want my FI having a panic attack at that point in time. I asked my assistant manager what she did for her wedding to her wife a couple years back and i guess there's a judge in Buffalo NY that pretty much marries people as a hobby (sounds really weird) but she did major landscaping to her yard and the two guys next door to her do the wedding cake and the photos and videos. I think it sounds neat. nice little landscaped waterfalls and ponds almost sounds like Holley Falls without the prying eyes of locals walking through the park. 
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    RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
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    One thing to consider is that getting married might adversely affect your ability to get financial aid to continue your education, or affect the amount of money you qualify for.  If continuing your education is a priority for you, then you should be considering this. If you don't need or want financial aid, or are not planning to continue your education, then it wouldn't be a concern for you. If you rely on financial aid for school, it would be to your advantage to wait until you graduate to get married.

    Other than that, you are (presumably) an adult. If you're paying and you're old enough to get legally married, you tell people you're inviting what you're doing and when, and that anything else is not up for discussion. Decide and stick with it. Own it.

    There's nothing wrong with going to City Hall and getting married by a judge, then taking those who attended out to lunch or dinner as thanks, if that's what you want. Or eloping.
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    KyrazaKyraza member
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    My last semester of college is this semester. I don't need to worry about financial aid after this monstrosity of a year. I'll finally have my degree for my general education and still have the option to return with the remainder of my scholarships and grants that I have applied for and successfully obtained. I really wanted to go for a degree in Human Services, but lacked the time to complete the work studies needed for the degree. I would have to continue part time schooling to get that degree as the three studies can not be done all at once.
    Again, leave my age well enough alone. I would not really "kill" to be 19 again, but the notion of being able to redo a year that I admittedly messed up, is tempting. Who are you to say that I am too young to get married any way? The last time i checked, love is non-discriminatory of age, gender, and race. 
    As for my problem with my mother, my fiance and I decided to go to Buffalo, and get married in a place closer to home, but far enough that the people we don't want there, won't drive that far. It's meant for smaller weddings and I do intend to keep it small, regardless of what my mother would like. Thanks to the wisdom of my assistant manager, I did get the number of that town justice. 
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    MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
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    I think people are being a bit harsh in their responses here, but when I read your posts, I also wonder if you need it to an extent.

    Love doesn't mean that you have to marry the person right away.

    It's not that complicated when you examine this from a financial perspective: If you want to get married now, then budget for the wedding you can afford.

     If that's a courthouse wedding with a few witnesses and dinner, that can be a beautiful day. It sounds like this could be nice for you if you don't want a lot of attention and just want close family.

    Backyard BBQ type scenario is another option.

    If you want a larger wedding, then extend your engagement and save longer until you can afford what you want.



    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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    MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
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    Kyraza said:
    My last semester of college is this semester. I don't need to worry about financial aid after this monstrosity of a year. I'll finally have my degree for my general education and still have the option to return with the remainder of my scholarships and grants that I have applied for and successfully obtained. I really wanted to go for a dgree in Human Services, but lacked the time to complete the work studies needed for the degree. I would have to continue part time schooling to get that degree as the three studies can not be done all at once.
    Again, leave my age well enough alone. I would not really "kill" to be 19 again, but the notion of being able to redo a year that I admittedly messed up, is tempting. Who are you to say that I am too young to get married any way? The last time i checked, love is non-discriminatory of age, gender, and race. 
    As for my problem with my mother, my fiance and I decided to go to Buffalo, and get married in a place closer to home, but far enough that the people we don't want there, won't drive that far. It's meant for smaller weddings and I do intend to keep it small, regardless of what my mother would like. Thanks to the wisdom of my assistant manager, I did get the number of that town justice. 
    Seriously, just don't invite those people. This is also not complicated. If you don't want someone at your wedding, don't invite them.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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    Jean0715Jean0715 member
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    "Hey, FI and I want a small wedding." 


    The end. 

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    KyrazaKyraza member
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    i oh so wish it would go like that but with my mom its never that easy. i dont live with her any more and my little sister still does. shes like my eyes and ears back in the "home". from what she keeps telling me my mom will take people off the list just to add some one else. i need to talk to her and nip that problem in the butt. im going to tell her about this nice little place my assistant manager told me about and hopefully she'll get it and if she doesnt then its going to be a yelling match between the two of us and i bet she will 9 times out of 10 get all pissed off and either stop talking to me or she'll back out of our deal for this thing.
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    Teddy917Teddy917 member
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    Kyraza said:

    i oh so wish it would go like that but with my mom its never that easy. i dont live with her any more and my little sister still does. shes like my eyes and ears back in the "home". from what she keeps telling me my mom will take people off the list just to add some one else. i need to talk to her and nip that problem in the butt. im going to tell her about this nice little place my assistant manager told me about and hopefully she'll get it and if she doesnt then its going to be a yelling match between the two of us and i bet she will 9 times out of 10 get all pissed off and either stop talking to me or she'll back out of our deal for this thing.

    1. Have you talked to your mom directly? When you get info from your sister, things can get twisted.
    2. Don't let your mom have the guest list.
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    delujm0delujm0 member
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    edited October 2013

    Guess what: if you pay for your own wedding, no one can tell you what to do.  You can just do whatever you want, because you are using your own money.  Period.  End of story.

     

    So you have two options here: (1) let your parents pay for the wedding, in which case your mom is completely within her rights to invite whoever she wants, or (2) pay for the wedding yourself, which may require you to wait a few years and save up for it first.  Your mom can't force you to let her pay for your wedding, or force you to invite people to a wedding you are paying for yourself, because you are an adult.  If you're ready to be married, you're ready to stand up to your mom about some things (though if she happens to be paying for your education...it might benefit you to wait until after graduation to bring this up).

     

    I understand that you love your FI and want to be married as soon as possible - but you're 22 years old, you have plenty of time for weddings and babies.  My FI and I have been together for over 9 years right now and are getting married in May.  It's not a race and we still love each other the same as we would if we had gotten married immediately after college graduation.  But i will say, you will change a lot from the time you are 22 until the time you are 30 (and past that as well) - so it might benefit you to see where post-college life takes you a little bit before running down the aisle.

     

    I see in your original post that you asked if it was ok to have your ceremony and honeymoon before your reception - and that is fine.  HOWEVER, if you have done that, your reception can't be a real "wedding reception" because you would have already been married for quite some time.  Which means no big white dress, first dance, cake cutting, bouquet tossing, etc.  You would also want to call it a "celebration of your marriage" rather than a "reception" because the word "reception" as it applies to weddings means "to receive your guests immediately after the ceremony to thank them for coming to support you," and in this case you wouldn't be inviting the reception guests to the ceremony OR receiving them immediately afterwards.  The most appropriate option would be to host a casual get together when you return from your honeymoon.

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    newenglandgal0802newenglandgal0802 member
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    Kyraza said:
     i need to talk to her and nip that problem in the butt.
     
     
    This is making me laugh so hard. To be completely honest based on your posts and the way you word things you seem like you have a lot going on and a lot of family problems you need to address. Think back to that year you say you "wasted" and would love the opportunity to go back and change it. This could be another thing you wish you could go back and do over. If you truly want a small wedding then have a small wedding. As PP's have stated if you say you are old enough/mature enough to get married then you should be mature enough to communicate your wishes.
     
    In addition I am not much older than you I am 24 and I have been with my FI since I was 19. I completely understand when you say this is all you want and he's the love of your life and you are ready however, based on things you mention in your original post it sounds like your relationship could use some work. 2 years ago when I was 22 I wanted the same thing but I knew we were not ready. My advice would be to take some time and just live your life. Work on your relationships both with your FI and you family. Have a long engagement and see where life takes you. Weddings aren't going to to go anywhere and you have your whole life to get married. In just 2 years my FI and I bought a condo, I got 2 promotions, my FI got ahead in his career and now we are financially stable and our relationship has grown into a mature one that is ready for marriage.
     
    At the end of the day you can do whatever you want. This is America no one is stopping you. However, I am urging you to step back and look at the big picture here and your life as a whole. Based on your posts it just honestly doesn't seem like you are ready at this point in your life for marriage. It's not just about a wedding but about starting a life with your FI. Take your time and trust me things will work out like they are supposed to. If you are committed to each other then a piece of paper isn't going to change anything. Just remember that.
     
     
     
     
     
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    PMeg819PMeg819 member
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    Your posts all indicate you are in no way ready to get married. If you can't have an adult conversation with another adult (throw the mom part of the equation out) then you have no business getting married.
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    KyrazaKyraza member
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    You have no business telling me not to get married end of story. Who are you to tell me what to do with my life. Who are you to practically tell me I'm a child and have no right to do what ever I damn well please with my life. You are a complete and total stranger in my life and you don't even know who I am let alone what I really act like in real life. When you can honestly say you know me and you know how I am and how my family works then you can say it's not a good idea to be jumping through the hoops with my FI and only then I might consider your horrible words with actual and complete thought.
     I wanted a damn suggestion on how I would go about handling this not a who bunch of people telling me that I'm young, naive, stupid and to0 damn childish to be getting married. Seriously, this is a post asking for help not a post to be like, yes! I want all the negative assholes in the world to go criticize my life. Totally what I wanted (sarcasm), Seriously, there are like a handful of people on here I might consider helpful instead its like every asshole on the site congregated into one post to bash the living hell out a 22 year old bride to be. Get a clue. My mom is much easier to handle drunk let alone sober than you guys. 
    Fuck your advice and get over the fact that there are people other there that are young and odds are we do have less knowledge than you but god damn it we are happy. Don't tell me because love isn't a good enough reason to get married. I honestly believe it's the only reason to get married. If I don't love someone, why on earth would I decide to put everything I have on the line to spend my life with someone I know could never be the other half of me. Me and my FI have been together for a quarter of our lives! That's more than most of you guys could say. I know how he is, He knows my past and I know his. He sees me every day, knows everything about me and yet he still manages to surprise me and find things I didn't even know about myself. 
    We are done here. I would rather go talk to my mom when shes in a drunken rage over a card game then try to explain myself and my actions further on here. I'm going through with what I want and god damn it there's nothing you could say that will change it. Congratulations, you finally managed to piss me off enough for me to speak my mind. And to the pregnant lady that says I'm not ready to get married, Congratulations on the baby, but no offense you are in no way shape or form ready to tell me what to do with my life and I hope you are a better mother to that child than you treat others. I pray for that child to have a happier life than I and I do indeed wish you well with your pregnancy. 
    Cassandra, I know it sounds really weird but I have already started my life with my FI. We have been together for 5 years and known each other for nearly 9 years. At this point in my life, this is the only logical step in getting married. You are one of those who I consider helpful. You didn't go and bash my life and my age or even my educational levels. When someone can honestly and truly say that they can't imagine their life without that other person that is what I consider to be the time to get married and in no way shape or form am I promoting teenagers to get all gitty and run off to get married because they think they love a boy they just met. Last thing we need is a bunch of our next generation being divorced or worse, estranged. 
    Delujm, I have already ironically experienced post-college life. I took a year off in the middle of college because I needed to work more hours to afford the following time i decide to go back. I needed to get some cash flow into the bank accounts for the up coming lack of hours at work. One entire year of experience after college and then I returned this semester to finish it off. This is my last semester of college. I know how it's going to be and I already look back and see that I have changed and something I want to change back. I miss being able to say that I get to do what ever I want to but the truth is that I am expected by everyone around me to take responsibility and take care of myself. I totally agree with them too but this world is not black and white. In fact its mostly gray. Where I live is one of the highest taxed towns in NY let alone the USA (not including NYC). So much corruption in a small town. The plan is to wait out the year. Wait until June or July and see where we stand financially and based on the funds we have is what we do. Believe it or not I have learned from my past not to put my eggs all in one basket, all that can lead to crushed eggs and mess to clean up. We have been talking about getting married for almost 2 years now but we never set a date until this year. After seeing my best friend get married, I know for a fact that I couldn't stand to have a big wedding, She was so stressed out an nothing I said would help her. She spent her wedding day absolutely miserable and her husband didn't even bother to help her out and take some of the stress off of her.
    I want a small wedding that can be controlled easily and in no way am I going to be stressed out. My aunt and my "sister" Gwen are in total support mode and are helping me pick things out and get things sorted. all that is really left is the guest list and the ceremony venue and the possible chance of a reception. Even if we do decide to run off and get married some place far off in NY, their will be some type of party thing for those who support us. I would rather do a tiny reception than a gigantic one too. Small guest list means small reception in turn.
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    newenglandgal0802newenglandgal0802 member
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    Kyraza I posted a link below that I think you may be able to find beneficial based on some comments you made in your PP's about your mother and drinking. Alanon is a wonderful program dedicated ot helping families or alcoholics/addicts. Not to intrude on your personal life in any way or offend you but based on what you mentioned I felt it would be helpful to suggest. Best of luck to you. 

     

    http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/al-anon-in-new-york

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    PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
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    VarunaTT said:
    Consider this, darling:

    Many of us on here are significantly older than 22.  But we all remember 22 and we've all lived some years in full time jobs, marriages and life events since then.  We're looking and reading at what you've posted and we can all see the red flags.  There's not a damn thing wrong with being 22 except for when you try to pretend you're wiser than your years.

    Straight out: You're not unique, special or different from any other 22 year old person out there right now.  You only think you are, that's how we can tell you're 22.  When and if around 25-30 your little selfish box breaks open, you grow the hel up, and you start to see things very very differently.

    You don't have to take our advice.  But, perhaps when a lot of women with a lot of experience (good and bad) are pretty united in pointing out your issues...you should listen and learn.  THAT would be acting older than 22.
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    delujm0delujm0 member
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    Taking a year off from college doesn't equal experiencing post-college life.  Do you and FI live together?  Living together can change a lot of things about a relationship.  Other things change too.  For example, when we graduated at 22, our life plan was that I would be a working mom, make partner at my CPA firm by the time i was 35, and FI would be a stay-at-home dad.  Fast forward 9 years.  I left the CPA firm because i couldn't deal with the travel and the lack of work-life balance.  I am happier in a corporate job which doesn't pay as much but gives me a lot of flexibility.  FI, on the other hand, left his CPA firm for a private investment firm and now makes nearly 3 times what i do.  So if we decide that one of us will be a stay-at-home parent, it looks like that will fall to me because we couldn't realistically cut our income by 75% when we have kids.  FI has always wanted to be a stay-at-home parent, but we have idscussed this at length and agree that it wouldn't make financial sense.  What you think your future will look like at 22 isn't always what actually happens.  Which is fine, and expected.  But please make sure you have the necessary adult conversations with your FI before you get married so early, so that you know that you can appropriately and maturely deal with changing life issues in the future.

     

    It's not our place to tell you whether you can or can't get married...you're an adult and can do whatever you want.  Earlier i provided ideas for dealing with your mother trying to take over your wedding, as requested in your original post.  Things will change as you get older, but the love you have for your FI will hopefully not be one of them.  I just want you to have the necessary skills to deal with life's challenges. 

     

    When I was 22, my priorities were to live in a nice apartment and drive a fancy new car and have nice clothes to wear to work.  I wanted to be married by 26 and have two kids by the time i was 30.  Now, I still drive the same car that my parents bought me at16 (i live in a city and barely ever drive...why on earth did i think i needed a $40k car?), i put most of my savings into a condo and am now saving for a house, and when i have extra, i like to travel internationally with it.  We waited to get married and have kids, and i am extremely thankful that we did, as i would have missed out on so many experiences i've had over the past several years if we hadn't.  If I traveled back in time to tell my 22 year old self what my 31 year old self's life was like, i would have been shocked.  This is where we're all coming from - not to criticize you, but to tell you, as older women, that your priorities will likely change over the next several years, and that you should mentally prepare yourself and your FI for that before diving into marriage.  And that's good advice for anyone at any age, not just you at 22!

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    blueobsidianblueobsidian member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Kyraza said:
    i oh so wish it would go like that but with my mom its never that easy. i dont live with her any more and my little sister still does. shes like my eyes and ears back in the "home". from what she keeps telling me my mom will take people off the list just to add some one else. i need to talk to her and nip that problem in the butt. im going to tell her about this nice little place my assistant manager told me about and hopefully she'll get it and if she doesnt then its going to be a yelling match between the two of us and i bet she will 9 times out of 10 get all pissed off and either stop talking to me or she'll back out of our deal for this thing.
    Pay for your own wedding, plan your own wedding and STOP TALKING TO HER ABOUT IT.  If you as as adult as you say you are, you should be perfectly capable of planning a wedding with your FI.  Do not talk to her about the guest list and do not give her a copy of it.

    Seriously, can you give us a good reason why you gave your mother the guest list if you have that terrible of a relationship with her?
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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    Kyraza said:
    You have no business telling me not to get married end of story. Who are you to tell me what to do with my life. Who are you to practically tell me I'm a child and have no right to do what ever I damn well please with my life. You are a complete and total stranger in my life and you don't even know who I am let alone what I really act like in real life. When you can honestly say you know me and you know how I am and how my family works then you can say it's not a good idea to be jumping through the hoops with my FI and only then I might consider your horrible words with actual and complete thought.
     I wanted a damn suggestion on how I would go about handling this not a who bunch of people telling me that I'm young, naive, stupid and to0 damn childish to be getting married. Seriously, this is a post asking for help not a post to be like, yes! I want all the negative assholes in the world to go criticize my life. Totally what I wanted (sarcasm), Seriously, there are like a handful of people on here I might consider helpful instead its like every asshole on the site congregated into one post to bash the living hell out a 22 year old bride to be. Get a clue. My mom is much easier to handle drunk let alone sober than you guys. 
    Fuck your advice and get over the fact that there are people other there that are young and odds are we do have less knowledge than you but god damn it we are happy. Don't tell me because love isn't a good enough reason to get married. I honestly believe it's the only reason to get married. If I don't love someone, why on earth would I decide to put everything I have on the line to spend my life with someone I know could never be the other half of me. Me and my FI have been together for a quarter of our lives! That's more than most of you guys could say. I know how he is, He knows my past and I know his. He sees me every day, knows everything about me and yet he still manages to surprise me and find things I didn't even know about myself. 
    We are done here. I would rather go talk to my mom when shes in a drunken rage over a card game then try to explain myself and my actions further on here. I'm going through with what I want and god damn it there's nothing you could say that will change it. Congratulations, you finally managed to piss me off enough for me to speak my mind. And to the pregnant lady that says I'm not ready to get married, Congratulations on the baby, but no offense you are in no way shape or form ready to tell me what to do with my life and I hope you are a better mother to that child than you treat others. I pray for that child to have a happier life than I and I do indeed wish you well with your pregnancy. 
    Cassandra, I know it sounds really weird but I have already started my life with my FI. We have been together for 5 years and known each other for nearly 9 years. At this point in my life, this is the only logical step in getting married. You are one of those who I consider helpful. You didn't go and bash my life and my age or even my educational levels. When someone can honestly and truly say that they can't imagine their life without that other person that is what I consider to be the time to get married and in no way shape or form am I promoting teenagers to get all gitty and run off to get married because they think they love a boy they just met. Last thing we need is a bunch of our next generation being divorced or worse, estranged. 
    Delujm, I have already ironically experienced post-college life. I took a year off in the middle of college because I needed to work more hours to afford the following time i decide to go back. I needed to get some cash flow into the bank accounts for the up coming lack of hours at work. One entire year of experience after college and then I returned this semester to finish it off. This is my last semester of college. I know how it's going to be and I already look back and see that I have changed and something I want to change back. I miss being able to say that I get to do what ever I want to but the truth is that I am expected by everyone around me to take responsibility and take care of myself. I totally agree with them too but this world is not black and white. In fact its mostly gray. Where I live is one of the highest taxed towns in NY let alone the USA (not including NYC). So much corruption in a small town. The plan is to wait out the year. Wait until June or July and see where we stand financially and based on the funds we have is what we do. Believe it or not I have learned from my past not to put my eggs all in one basket, all that can lead to crushed eggs and mess to clean up. We have been talking about getting married for almost 2 years now but we never set a date until this year. After seeing my best friend get married, I know for a fact that I couldn't stand to have a big wedding, She was so stressed out an nothing I said would help her. She spent her wedding day absolutely miserable and her husband didn't even bother to help her out and take some of the stress off of her.
    I want a small wedding that can be controlled easily and in no way am I going to be stressed out. My aunt and my "sister" Gwen are in total support mode and are helping me pick things out and get things sorted. all that is really left is the guest list and the ceremony venue and the possible chance of a reception. Even if we do decide to run off and get married some place far off in NY, their will be some type of party thing for those who support us. I would rather do a tiny reception than a gigantic one too. Small guest list means small reception in turn.
    1. Again, learn paragraphs, please.

    2. You asked for our opinions, and you got them. The fact that you don't like them isn't our fault. Also, "who are we to tell you not to get married" -- well, we're the group of internet strangers whose opinions you sought. 

    3. The other PPs said it better than I did, but if you're not old enough to stand up to your mommy and cut mama's apron strings, you're damn sure not old enough to get married.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    Just need to make a point here:

    You're romanticizing marriage by stating love should be all that is needed. Unfortunately love is a feeling and is sometimes fleeting. When things get tough you must have more than love to hold on to in order to survive. Yes, while love is a start on the path to creating a growing relationship it is not the glue that holds it all together.

    Successful marriage is a product of hard work, understanding, cooperation, support, selflessness and love. You aren't always going to 'like' each other in this life because opinions differ and decisions are made that may cause disagreements. This is why you may not always feel 'the love' for your spouse. What you feel is a true understanding of your partner and your commitment to a life together no matter what.

    Part of this life is standing as a unit together against the things that cause you turmoil. Your mother sounds like a thing of turmoil that you need to stand up to and move on from. Don't get me wrong it is your battle not your FI's but his support might be helpful.

    Another point is knowing someone for years does not a confident and substantial relationship make. Especially if you haven't really known anyone else and are stuck in your box of 'special snowflake love and togetherness.'

    Everyone has issues but when you let them run your life it is you putting yourself in that position. You are responsible for where you are right now and what you put up with.

    and congrats @shalyagirl (just saw your 11 days banner)!
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    Jean0715Jean0715 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper

    Kyraza said:
    You have no business telling me not to get married end of story. Who are you to tell me what to do with my life. Who are you to practically tell me I'm a child and have no right to do what ever I damn well please with my life. You are a complete and total stranger in my life and you don't even know who I am let alone what I really act like in real life. When you can honestly say you know me and you know how I am and how my family works then you can say it's not a good idea to be jumping through the hoops with my FI and only then I might consider your horrible words with actual and complete thought.
     I wanted a damn suggestion on how I would go about handling this. PPs gave you advice, but it just wasnt what you wanted to hear  not a who bunch of people telling me that I'm young, naive, stupid and to0 damn childish to be getting married. Seriously, this is a post asking for help not a post to be like, yes! I want all the negative assholes in the world to go criticize my life. Totally what I wanted (sarcasm), Seriously, there are like a handful of people on here I might consider helpful instead its like every asshole on the site congregated into one post to bash the living hell out a 22 year old bride to be. Get a clue. My mom is much easier to handle drunk let alone sober than you guys. 
    Fuck your advice and get over the fact that there are people other there that are young and odds are we do have less knowledge than you but god damn it we are happy. Don't tell me because love isn't a good enough reason to get married. I honestly believe it's the only reason to get married. If I don't love someone, why on earth would I decide to put everything I have on the line to spend my life with someone I know could never be the other half of me. Me and my FI have been together for a quarter of our lives! That's more than most of you guys could say. I know how he is, He knows my past and I know his. He sees me every day, knows everything about me and yet he still manages to surprise me and find things I didn't even know about myself. 
    We are done here. I would rather go talk to my mom when shes in a drunken rage over a card game then try to explain myself and my actions further on here. I'm going through with what I want and god damn it there's nothing you could say that will change it. That is what most PP told you to tell your family Congratulations, you finally managed to piss me off enough for me to speak my mind. And to the pregnant lady that says I'm not ready to get married, Congratulations on the baby, but no offense you are in no way shape or form ready to tell me what to do with my life and I hope you are a better mother to that child than you treat others. I pray for that child to have a happier life than I and I do indeed wish you well with your pregnancy. 
    Cassandra, I know it sounds really weird but I have already started my life with my FI. We have been together for 5 years and known each other for nearly 9 years. At this point in my life, this is the only logical step in getting married. You are one of those who I consider helpful. You didn't go and bash my life and my age or even my educational levels. When someone can honestly and truly say that they can't imagine their life without that other person that is what I consider to be the time to get married and in no way shape or form am I promoting teenagers to get all gitty and run off to get married because they think they love a boy they just met. Last thing we need is a bunch of our next generation being divorced or worse, estranged. 
    Delujm, I have already ironically experienced post-college life. I took a year off in the middle of college because I needed to work more hours to afford the following time i decide to go back. I needed to get some cash flow into the bank accounts for the up coming lack of hours at work. One entire year of experience after college and then I returned this semester to finish it off. This is my last semester of college. I know how it's going to be and I already look back and see that I have changed and something I want to change back. I miss being able to say that I get to do what ever I want to but the truth is that I am expected by everyone around me to take responsibility and take care of myself.  I totally agree with them too but this world is not black and white. In fact its mostly gray. When you become an adult you are expected to take care of yourself. That is how life goes. It doesn't have to seem fair, but it's just the way life is. Being an adult sucks, learn to live with it. Find ways to make it better. No one will take care of you except for yourself. Where I live is one of the highest taxed towns in NY let alone the USAI grew up and live in the Hudson Valley. I know how it is. Yes its expensive, but a girls got to do what a girls got to do to get by. If its too expensive, relocate. (not including NYC). So much corruption in a small town. The plan is to wait out the year. Wait until June or July and see where we stand financially and based on the funds we have is what we do. Believe it or not I have learned from my past not to put my eggs all in one basket, all that can lead to crushed eggs and mess to clean up. We have been talking about getting married for almost 2 years now but we never set a date until this year. After seeing my best friend get married, I know for a fact that I couldn't stand to have a big wedding, She was so stressed out an nothing I said would help her. She spent her wedding day absolutely miserable and her husband didn't even bother to help her out and take some of the stress off of her.
    I want a small wedding that can be controlled easily and in no way am I going to be stressed out. My aunt and my "sister" Gwen are in total support mode and are helping me pick things out and get things sorted. all that is really left is the guest list and the ceremony venue and the possible chance of a reception. Even if we do decide to run off and get married some place far off in NY, their will be some type of party thing for those who support us. I would rather do a tiny reception than a gigantic one too. Small guest list means small reception in turn.

    I just cant deal. You ask for advice, hate the advice you get, then freak out. Relax. Do what you want. Don't ask strangers on the internet for advice. Lesson learned. 

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