Super small reception - Qs about bridal registry/shower & church invites

Jen4948 · October 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

Maggie0829 said:
...Yes, they are free to do that, but with a true bridal shower, anyone who is invited should also be invited to the wedding. Period. Typically with bridal showers the bride gives a list of guests that she would like to have invited thus making sure that no one who isn't invited to the wedding is included.

An informal gathering of friends who want to give gifts is "a true bridal shower". It is a lucky bride who has such spontaneously generous friends. The rented-venue catered assemblage of dozens of guests, shadow-managed by the bride through a nominal hostess who may not even be acquainted with many of 'her' guests, with the expectation of garnering significant material value in boxed-gift donations, has more in common with a charity gala. And for the bride to be involved in arranging it makes her look bad regardless of her guest-list.

The last sentence, yes. The rest of this....?????????????????????

If the bride isn't putting it together, then it's none of your damn business whether the venue is rented, her relationship with the hostess, or what the expectations are.

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

Maggie0829 said:

...Yes, they are free to do that, but with a true bridal shower, anyone who is invited should also be invited to the wedding. Period. Typically with bridal showers the bride gives a list of guests that she would like to have invited thus making sure that no one who isn't invited to the wedding is included.
An informal gathering of friends who want to give gifts is "a true bridal shower". It is a lucky bride who has such spontaneously generous friends. The rented-venue catered assemblage of dozens of guests, shadow-managed by the bride through a nominal hostess who may not even be acquainted with many of 'her' guests, with the expectation of garnering significant material value in boxed-gift donations, has more in common with a charity gala. And for the bride to be involved in arranging it makes her look bad regardless of her guest-list.

And as a Bride, if the bolded happened to me, I would feel guilted into inviting everyone of those ladies, even if none of them were on my guestlist.

banana468 · October 2013

ATB, you're making some insulting insinuations about shine of us who believe in proper etiquette and who didn't want people not invited to the wedding to their showers. Furthermore, your comments are also insulting to friends and family who have thrown such events.

aurianna · October 2013

OP,

If your ceremony is earlier in the day at a none meal time (like 2pm) you could host a simple cake & punch reception afterwards for all your guests where you greet and thank them for coming to your ceremony.

Then, much later in the evening, after you've changed out of your wedding garb, I think it's ok if you go to dinner with just your immediate family. (just them though. Don't start adding lots of friends / cousins / etc to the mix).

But if you have your ceremony at a meal time (11-1:30 or 4-8) and don't provide a full meal to all of your guests, that's rude. You have to properly thank them for coming to your meal time ceremony with a meal.

So your options:

If you have your wedding at a meal time:
Either provide a meal for all guests
or
Only invite immediate family to the ceremony

Or, have your wedding at a none meal time, provide cake & punch to all, and then several hours later go out with your family.
Some people on here might disagree with that, but I feel that if you've properly hosted all your guests for the time of day your ceremony is, you should be allowed to have dinner with your family several hours after the wedding is over.

As to the shower question... others have it covered. You only get one if someone offers, and only invite people who will be invited to the ceremony and reception.

ashleyep · October 2013

grumbledore said:

AroundTheBlock said:

erinlin25 said:

AroundTheBlock said:

.
.
.

she should be sure to limit her invitations to only those people who actively want to participate in a shower for you, and who want to do so regardless of the fact that they are not being invited to a fancy reception. Naturally, that means it will be only people with whom the hostess is very intimate -- which results in your having a small, casual and appropriate shower as is traditional rather than the more modern cast-of-thousands big-as-a-wedding type of shower party.

bold, umm...no

Actually, "umm" yes. Etiquette's function is not to reduce the number of small kindnesses and social activity that go on in society. So why would it forbid people who want the pleasure of visiting with the bride, imposing silly little gifts on her, and playing a few silly games? The key-word is "want". There really are generous people like that in the world, and snubbing them is not a kindness or good manners. In fact, people who want to give shower presents are the only people who should be invited to showers even if they do happen to be invited to the wedding reception. It's the shower hostess's responsibility in making her guestlist to ensure that she doesn't impose on anyone.

People who "want the pleasure of visiting the bride" may do so at any time, they need only make plans with the bride to see her. Anyone who chooses is also free, at any time, to give the bride a gift.

What is unacceptable here is inviting people to a party in the bride's honor, the sole purpose of which is gift-giving, when they will not be invited to actually participate in the bride's wedding. It is inappropriate.

I wish I had my Miss Manners book on me because I'm almost certain that she says this situation is okay. Bride is having a tiny wedding, but mom really wants to host a shower and invite all of her (mom's) friends that aren't invited to the wedding.

I was shocked to read it, but I swear it's in there.

Still not the situation OP is referencing though.

MGP · October 2013

AroundTheBlock said:
(stuck in quote box)
This is horrible advice!! Seriously who are you?

It is the hostess's business whom she invites
No, no, a thousand times no! The guest list is determined by the bride, after the hostess has told her how many people she can accommodate. And this guest list needs to be ONLY invited guests. Why can't people get this through their heads??

but she should be sure to limit her invitations to only those people who actively want to participate in a shower for you, and who want to do so regardless of the fact that they are not being invited to a fancy reception.
WTF does this mean? Showing up and giving a gift is the only "active participation" that should be expected from any guest. And yes it is offensive to be invited to a pre wedding event and not the actual wedding. I have zero interest in "celebrating" with someone who doesn't think enough of me to invite me to the actual event.

Naturally, that means it will be only people with whom the hostess is very intimate
Again - no. The hostess is just that - a hostess. The relationship that matters is the bride's relationship with the guests, not the host's. Seriously how many of us have hosted showers where we had never met some of the guests? All of us I bet.

grumbledore · October 2013

ashleyep said:

grumbledore said:

AroundTheBlock said:

erinlin25 said:

AroundTheBlock said:

.
.
.

she should be sure to limit her invitations to only those people who actively want to participate in a shower for you, and who want to do so regardless of the fact that they are not being invited to a fancy reception. Naturally, that means it will be only people with whom the hostess is very intimate -- which results in your having a small, casual and appropriate shower as is traditional rather than the more modern cast-of-thousands big-as-a-wedding type of shower party.

bold, umm...no

Actually, "umm" yes. Etiquette's function is not to reduce the number of small kindnesses and social activity that go on in society. So why would it forbid people who want the pleasure of visiting with the bride, imposing silly little gifts on her, and playing a few silly games? The key-word is "want". There really are generous people like that in the world, and snubbing them is not a kindness or good manners. In fact, people who want to give shower presents are the only people who should be invited to showers even if they do happen to be invited to the wedding reception. It's the shower hostess's responsibility in making her guestlist to ensure that she doesn't impose on anyone.

People who "want the pleasure of visiting the bride" may do so at any time, they need only make plans with the bride to see her. Anyone who chooses is also free, at any time, to give the bride a gift.

What is unacceptable here is inviting people to a party in the bride's honor, the sole purpose of which is gift-giving, when they will not be invited to actually participate in the bride's wedding. It is inappropriate.

I wish I had my Miss Manners book on me because I'm almost certain that she says this situation is okay. Bride is having a tiny wedding, but mom really wants to host a shower and invite all of her (mom's) friends that aren't invited to the wedding.

I was shocked to read it, but I swear it's in there.

Still not the situation OP is referencing though.

Here are a couple of examples where MM agrees with those of us who have said only wedding invitees can be invited to a shower:

http://living.msn.com/life-inspired/miss-manners-advice/miss-manners-destination-weddings-and-bridal-showers

http://lubbockonline.com/life-columnists/2012-12-01/miss-manners-avoid-couples-wedding-gift-grab-polite-rsvp#.UnACTPmR8pY

ashleyep · October 2013

grumbledore said:

ashleyep said:

grumbledore said:

AroundTheBlock said:

erinlin25 said:

AroundTheBlock said:

.
.
.

she should be sure to limit her invitations to only those people who actively want to participate in a shower for you, and who want to do so regardless of the fact that they are not being invited to a fancy reception. Naturally, that means it will be only people with whom the hostess is very intimate -- which results in your having a small, casual and appropriate shower as is traditional rather than the more modern cast-of-thousands big-as-a-wedding type of shower party.

bold, umm...no

Actually, "umm" yes. Etiquette's function is not to reduce the number of small kindnesses and social activity that go on in society. So why would it forbid people who want the pleasure of visiting with the bride, imposing silly little gifts on her, and playing a few silly games? The key-word is "want". There really are generous people like that in the world, and snubbing them is not a kindness or good manners. In fact, people who want to give shower presents are the only people who should be invited to showers even if they do happen to be invited to the wedding reception. It's the shower hostess's responsibility in making her guestlist to ensure that she doesn't impose on anyone.

People who "want the pleasure of visiting the bride" may do so at any time, they need only make plans with the bride to see her. Anyone who chooses is also free, at any time, to give the bride a gift.

What is unacceptable here is inviting people to a party in the bride's honor, the sole purpose of which is gift-giving, when they will not be invited to actually participate in the bride's wedding. It is inappropriate.

I wish I had my Miss Manners book on me because I'm almost certain that she says this situation is okay. Bride is having a tiny wedding, but mom really wants to host a shower and invite all of her (mom's) friends that aren't invited to the wedding.

I was shocked to read it, but I swear it's in there.

Still not the situation OP is referencing though.

Here are a couple of examples where MM agrees with those of us who have said only wedding invitees can be invited to a shower:

http://living.msn.com/life-inspired/miss-manners-advice/miss-manners-destination-weddings-and-bridal-showers

http://lubbockonline.com/life-columnists/2012-12-01/miss-manners-avoid-couples-wedding-gift-grab-polite-rsvp#.UnACTPmR8pY

I know that's generally the advice she gives, and I don't disagree with it. I woul dnever tell a bride to invite people not invited to the wedding, but I SWEAR the book said something different as a response to this one letter. Mom inviting her friends to a shower is not quite the same as mom inviting your friends to a shower.

Although maybe it wasn't a shower because Miss Manners frowns on family members throwing showers. I'll have to look it up when I get home.

golden1215 · October 2013

what I hate about OPs comment is the idea that a small, family only dinner at a restaurant after your ceremony ISNT a wedding reception. It is. It's exactly what I had. Married in the center courtyard of a steak house then dinner inside said steakhouse for the 30 people there. Only non-family members were my 1 MOH and hubbys 1 BM.

Boom, wedding reception done and it was fabulous and fun and memorable. To say that's not a wedding is insulting IMO.

annathy03 · October 2013

I'm not clear from the OP's post if the dinner is for her invited guests and the ceremony simply open to the congregation, or if she is planning a tiered event.

OP if you're still lurking, it's fine to host just cake and punch for the congregation if they are not formally invited. If the news of your wedding is simply posted on a church bulletin and open to them to attend like any other church service, then cake and punch is fine to receive your congregation.

However, anyone who you invite must be hosted at the dinner as your wedding guest. As soon as you start doing the inviting verbally or by sending a formal invitation they become your guests and need to be hosted equally. I would be hurt to be invited to a wedding and find out there was a smaller reception I wasn't invited to (and dinner IS a reception).

[Deleted User] · October 2013

Thanks everyone. Let me fix what I meant to write - yes, we are having a reception, but clearly I used the wrong choice of wording as I was writing this post quickly at the end of a long day. What I meant was, we aren't choosing to have this big huge venue blowout and instead think it is best to have a small, intimate dinner with immediate family and best friends at a restaurant (not open to all church members - I actually did not think of posting it in the church bulletin! And I love the cake and punch/coffee ideas… thanks for the suggestions!). So please excuse the confusion - my intent was not to piss anyone off. A polite correction is all that is necessary - there's nothing to 'hate' about or get your feathers ruffled over.

I obviously don't want to be rude/offensive and do anything innapropriate/against ettiquette so that's why I asked these questions (as stated in the original post). I have not done or planned anything yet (thanks for calling me rude, though, even though that is exactly what I'm trying to avoid) and will take all your advice into consideration and figure out a great compromise.

I did not mean to cause any drama, I was just asking simple questions because I genuinely do not know everything that ettiquette dictates (does anyone really? That's why we use these boards!). There's nothing wrong with an open discussion, so thank you all for commenting (although I really think some of you genuinely got offended and that was not my intent so let's all take a deep breath). At the end of the day my fiancee and I will do what we think is best and it will be a wonderful day no matter what

mysticl · October 2013

mdrwrl said:

Thanks everyone. Let me fix what I meant to write - yes, we are having a reception, but clearly I used the wrong choice of wording as I was writing this post quickly at the end of a long day. What I meant was, we aren't choosing to have this big huge venue blowout and instead think it is best to have a small, intimate dinner with immediate family and best friends at a restaurant (not open to all church members - I actually did not think of posting it in the church bulletin! And I love the cake and punch/coffee ideas… thanks for the suggestions!). So please excuse the confusion - my intent was not to piss anyone off. A polite correction is all that is necessary - there's nothing to 'hate' about or get your feathers ruffled over.

I obviously don't want to be rude/offensive and do anything innapropriate/against ettiquette so that's why I asked these questions (as stated in the original post). I have not done or planned anything yet (thanks for calling me rude, though, even though that is exactly what I'm trying to avoid) and will take all your advice into consideration and figure out a great compromise.

I did not mean to cause any drama, I was just asking simple questions because I genuinely do not know everything that ettiquette dictates (does anyone really? That's why we use these boards!). There's nothing wrong with an open discussion, so thank you all for commenting (although I really think some of you genuinely got offended and that was not my intent so let's all take a deep breath). At the end of the day my fiancee and I will do what we think is best and it will be a wonderful day no matter what

So every person invited to your wedding is invited to your reception? Then you are good. However, what you posted made it sound like you were planning to invite all of your friends and family to the church and then only inviting immediate family out to dinner.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

Yes

Viczaesar · October 2013

Heavenly Eevents said:

Hello Daniela
You have some really good questions. This is not only your wedding but it this the first event that you and your new husband will be hosting together. Normally one of your bridesmaid or a family members will offer to give you a bridal shower. So, yes accept the invitation for some one to give you a bridal shower. Feel free to do a bridal registry at department store where you frequently shop. However, you should not invite guest whom you are not planning to invite to the wedding dinner. Yes send invitations to your guess, but only to the guess that are invited to both. You are going to hurt the felling of your loved ones who are important enough to come to the wedding but not important enough to share the for you to feed them.
This is a though situation. Maybe you could consider other options, like having a less formal reception or wedding dinner so you can invite more people. I have a few more ideas if you are interested.

@KnotPorscha, vendor alert (note the name and link through the word "invitation").

[Deleted User] · October 2013

@Viczaesar, thank you!

SlothGoals · October 2013

mdrwrl said:

Thanks everyone. Let me fix what I meant to write - yes, we are having a reception, but clearly I used the wrong choice of wording as I was writing this post quickly at the end of a long day. What I meant was, we aren't choosing to have this big huge venue blowout and instead think it is best to have a small, intimate dinner with immediate family and best friends at a restaurant (not open to all church members - I actually did not think of posting it in the church bulletin! And I love the cake and punch/coffee ideas… thanks for the suggestions!). So please excuse the confusion - my intent was not to piss anyone off. A polite correction is all that is necessary - there's nothing to 'hate' about or get your feathers ruffled over.

I obviously don't want to be rude/offensive and do anything innapropriate/against ettiquette so that's why I asked these questions (as stated in the original post). I have not done or planned anything yet (thanks for calling me rude, though, even though that is exactly what I'm trying to avoid) and will take all your advice into consideration and figure out a great compromise.

I did not mean to cause any drama, I was just asking simple questions because I genuinely do not know everything that ettiquette dictates (does anyone really? That's why we use these boards!). There's nothing wrong with an open discussion, so thank you all for commenting (although I really think some of you genuinely got offended and that was not my intent so let's all take a deep breath). At the end of the day my fiancee and I will do what we think is best and it will be a wonderful day no matter what

I'm really not trying to harp on you, but we can only give advice/suggestions based off of what you tell us. We can't infer information from your post because we don't know you IRL, and we don't know your situation. We have to take your words at face-value which is why you got the kind of responses you did.

Just sayin'.

aurianna · October 2013

Assuming everyone you're inviting to the ceremony is also invited to and will be fully hosted at the dinner afterwards, that's perfectly fine and sounds nice.

Feel free to register. It's likely that many of your guests will want to get you a gift and the registry is always nice for giving ideas.

If any of your guests offers to throw you a shower, feel free to accept, however you should only invite those who are also invited to your wedding and dinner. (if you're only inviting immediate family and best friends, this might be a small shower).

If someone from your church offers to throw you a shower, then you can probably set the guest list themselves; they'll probably want to invite church members. I'm not sure how those usually work out though.

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