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BFF over sister for MOH

Me and my older sister are very close, it's always been her and me against the world. We have a bond that is so special and we have always been each other's everything. Growing up it was always of course we would be each other's maid of honor but I asked my best friend to be the MOH over my sister. It wasn't an easy decision! I love my BFF dearly and am very excited to have her as my MOH but a sister is one of the best gifts in this world. I know I sound crazy but here are my reasons - I was recently a bridesmaid in another of my close friend's wedding well not just a bridesmaid I was asked to be the acting MOH. I had to do everything that the MOH does & I spent over $1000 dollars on her wedding but didn't get the "glory" for it. I know my friend appreciated it and I lover her that's why I did it but it felt like a slap in the face. My sister lives three states away from me and doesn't have a lot of money and wouldn't be able to help as much as I know she wants to or as much as I need her to. She is also a bit of a procrastinator and there is a possibility that nothing would get done so that leaves me asking my BFF that is here to do everything. My sister won't be able to attend the bridal shower or the bachelorette party so that again leaves my BFF picking up the slack. I plan on doing a lot of DIY for the wedding due to my budget so I'm going to need a lot of help that unfortunately my sister will not be here to help with. Not to mention that my MOH has to be almost the acting groom too cause my fiancé does not want to be that involved with the wedding planning (it's just not his thing) so my MOH will be doing just about everything with me. I can't ask my BFF to do all of these things on top of the financial responsibilities and not ask her to be my MOH. I know how it feels and it's just not fair. I hurt my sister by doing this though and in return my heart is literately aching over it. I mentioned to my sister about having two MOHs but she was more offended. I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one. Did I do the right thing? I already feel like saying I give up because this is just one of the really hard situations/decisions I've had to face and I've just started planning. I know you cant make everyone happy but aren't I the bride suppose to be enjoying this process even just a little? Any advice would be much appreciated because right now I feel like the worse person in the world and I honestly care about people and their feelings and just want to do the right thing.
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Re: BFF over sister for MOH

  • Me and my older sister are very close, it's always been her and me against the world. We have a bond that is so special and we have always been each other's everything. Growing up it was always of course we would be each other's maid of honor but I asked my best friend to be the MOH over my sister. It wasn't an easy decision! I love my BFF dearly and am very excited to have her as my MOH but a sister is one of the best gifts in this world. I know I sound crazy but here are my reasons - I was recently a bridesmaid in another of my close friend's wedding well not just a bridesmaid I was asked to be the acting MOH. I had to do everything that the MOH does & I spent over $1000 dollars on her wedding but didn't get the "glory" for it. I know my friend appreciated it and I lover her that's why I did it but it felt like a slap in the face. My sister lives three states away from me and doesn't have a lot of money and wouldn't be able to help as much as I know she wants to or as much as I need her to. She is also a bit of a procrastinator and there is a possibility that nothing would get done so that leaves me asking my BFF that is here to do everything. My sister won't be able to attend the bridal shower or the bachelorette party so that again leaves my BFF picking up the slack. I plan on doing a lot of DIY for the wedding due to my budget so I'm going to need a lot of help that unfortunately my sister will not be here to help with. Not to mention that my MOH has to be almost the acting groom too cause my fiancé does not want to be that involved with the wedding planning (it's just not his thing) so my MOH will be doing just about everything with me. I can't ask my BFF to do all of these things on top of the financial responsibilities and not ask her to be my MOH. I know how it feels and it's just not fair. I hurt my sister by doing this though and in return my heart is literately aching over it. I mentioned to my sister about having two MOHs but she was more offended. I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one. Did I do the right thing? I already feel like saying I give up because this is just one of the really hard situations/decisions I've had to face and I've just started planning. I know you cant make everyone happy but aren't I the bride suppose to be enjoying this process even just a little? Any advice would be much appreciated because right now I feel like the worse person in the world and I honestly care about people and their feelings and just want to do the right thing.
    I don't know where to start with all this except to say that it's wrong to expect anyone except your fiancé to help you plan and DIY for your wedding. Also, for the 'financial responsibilities,' their only one is buying a dress, for which you need to ask them individually about a budget before picking a dress.
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    itzMSdoeydoPrettyGirlLost
  • edited September 2013
    I don't expect my MOH to spend a lot of money and I already plan on going with a cheap bridesmaid dress. But being in the "acting MOH" spot I know you spend more than the other bridesmaids do. I'm sure there are a lot of MOHs out there that would agree. I'm not going to make my BFF or expect her to do my DIYs with me what I meant by her being the acting groom is that I need her to just be there with me when I have the various things a bride and groom would do. As in go to different venues, visiting with the vendors and things like that. Yes I will ask her opinion on my DIY's and I'm sure she will help with them but not because its expected of her but because that's just what BFFs do. She knows how my fiancé is when it comes to things like this and is excited to help me. I would never push anything on anyone or expect more of them that I know isn't fair. I'm just not that kinda of person I always try to put people before me and consider their side before mine. That's why I'm trying to be fair on all accounts.
    MrsMichaelJFox
  • I am close to all of my bridal party. I picked my MOH based on time. I felt guilty for two days and then was fine. My MOH has more free time than the rest of my bridesmaids. She loves to plan parties too.
    I only consulted her on what color shirts to get everyone. The only other thing I need her to do is show up with her dress. Anything else I assume is of her choosing. (Shower and Bachlorette)
  • I don't understand this at all. BMs are not responsible for throwing you a pre-wedding party or helping you with anything. Attendants shouldn't be chosen based on the services they can provide for you. Pick who you want, ask them their budget for a dress, pick the lowest budget and tell them what dress to buy. It's easy!

    No one is responsible for helping with your wedding except you and your groom. If you want your groom to be involved and he isn't, you have a problem with your groom. Don't ignore that and expect that someone will help you "because that's what BFFs do". Deal with your groom - that seems to be the real issue. If you don't want to, plan and DIY on your own.

    Also, I'd apologize to your sister. 
    *********************************************************************************

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    doeydoPrettyGirlLost
  • I picked my BFF (who I have known since we are babies and our moms are BFFs too) to be my MOH because she is who I want standing beside me on that day.  She also has way more responsibilities and way less free time than all of my other bridesmaids, but I never even considered picking a different MOH because of this.  Your reasons for picking your MOH are hurtful to your sister, and  you really should apologize to her and ask her to please be MOH too
  • Even this website has a full list of MOH responsibililties. I think it's completely understandable to want your best friend who is also in the position to help you with your planning to be your MOH. It's not like you are putting an extra burden on her. The point of having a best friend you'd consider a MOH is that she WANTS to do all those things for you. 

    I am in the same boat as you: my sister and I grew up talking about being each others MOH. As it stands today, my sister is not in the position to be my MOH and I have grown incredibly close to my best friend in the past few years. I want my best friend's help and support during my wedding planning and she wants to be there for me! I am planning on asking both of them to be MOHs: both to acknowledge my best friend's help and support and to honor my sister even though she will not be as involved.

    It sounds like, however, your sister is offended by the idea of two MOHs. Could you try explaining it to her this way? "Sister, I love you and you have always been there for me. I would love for you to be my maid of honor. And, as my sister, I am hoping that you understand the close relationship I have with BFF. BFF is very excited about my wedding and is planning on doing a, b, and c for it, so I would like her involvement and our friendship to be acknowledged at the wedding as well. It would make me incredibly happy and lucky to have both of you as my MOHs on my special day."

    TeresaMarie5846rsbloom
  • Wow this is so painful.

    Asking someone to be in your wedding is an HONOR. You shouldn't be tasking them with projects and expecting them to throw you parties.

    Why are women so afraid to have their future husband help them with wedding tasks?

    doeydomaryemooPrettyGirlLostBostonLilly12
  • epufallepufall member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited September 2013

    I'm so confused why it feels like it is unheard of for MOHs to have responsibilities?? It's an honor AND a responsibility!! From theknot.com (and this isn't even the full list!):

    The maid/matron of honor is part worker bee, part emotional lifeboat. Chosen for your energetic, get-the-ball-in-motion qualities, you should also remember that listening to the bride, making her laugh, and offering emotional and logistical support are also part of your honor attendant package. Here's what's expected:

    • Lead the bridesmaid troupe. It's the maid/matron of honor's (MOH) job to direct the other maids through their duties. Make sure everyone gets their bridesmaid dresses, go to dress fittings, and find the right jewelry. Also provide them with the 411 on all prewedding parties. 
    • Offer to help the bride with pre-wedding tasks, from addressing invites to choosing the wedding colors and nodding enthusiastically when she waxes poetic about wedding cake
    • Lend an ear. Whether it's about the planning, the marriage, or the registry china patterns, the MOH should assure the bride that she has someone with whom she can share her thoughts.
    • Host or cohost a bridal shower for the bride. 
    • Attend all prewedding parties. 
    • Keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and showers (or delegate a bridesmaid to handle this). 
    • Plan the bachelorette party with the bridesmaids. 
    • See to it that all bridesmaids get to the rehearsal; coordinate transportation and lodging, if necessary.    
    • Play hostess along with the other bridesmaids at frequent points during the reception: show guests where to sit, direct them to restrooms, tell them to where to put presents, invite them to sign the guest book, etc. 
  • It's not unheard of. It's a ploy from the multibillion dollar wedding industry to get people to spend more money. Which is why it's assholish to go along with those stupid expectations that, yes, TK also espouses because they are in it for profit. So throw out the list.
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    Dreamergirl8812southernbelle0915PrettyGirlLost
  • This is ridiculous.

    Who you pick as your MOH is your choice, it isn't a popularity contest. You pick the person you to HONOR.

    Now, as far as you reasoning for picking your MOH, you've got it all wrong.  Your bridesmaids are not your slaves, MOH or otherwise.  They aren't obligated to help you do a damn thing other than show up in a dress.  The only money they should be spending is on their dress, which you should be getting their budgets for before picking.  If I were your sister, I'd be glad as hell you didn't pick me as MOH if your expecting her to help you do everything.  You and your groom are responsible for planning and putting together your wedding.  If friends and family offer to do things, then great, but your maids are not meant to be your unpaid help.  You don't pick bridesmaids and MOH based on who can help you the most.  
    doeydosouthernbelle0915PrettyGirlLostBostonLilly12
  • Also I second that that list of MOH "responsibilities" is BS.  This is the kind of thing that fuels bridezilla behavior, which is so not okay.  
    southernbelle0915Liatris2010PrettyGirlLost
  • epufall said:

    Even this website has a full list of MOH responsibililties. I think it's completely understandable to want your best friend who is also in the position to help you with your planning to be your MOH. It's not like you are putting an extra burden on her. The point of having a best friend you'd consider a MOH is that she WANTS to do all those things for you. 

    I am in the same boat as you: my sister and I grew up talking about being each others MOH. As it stands today, my sister is not in the position to be my MOH and I have grown incredibly close to my best friend in the past few years. I want my best friend's help and support during my wedding planning and she wants to be there for me! I am planning on asking both of them to be MOHs: both to acknowledge my best friend's help and support and to honor my sister even though she will not be as involved.

    It sounds like, however, your sister is offended by the idea of two MOHs. Could you try explaining it to her this way? "Sister, I love you and you have always been there for me. I would love for you to be my maid of honor. And, as my sister, I am hoping that you understand the close relationship I have with BFF. BFF is very excited about my wedding and is planning on doing a, b, and c for it, so I would like her involvement and our friendship to be acknowledged at the wedding as well. It would make me incredibly happy and lucky to have both of you as my MOHs on my special day."

    Uh, yeah, if you expect her do help you do the planning, then yes, you are putting a burden on her.  Sure, the friend may want to help...but accept help where it is given.  Having a list of expectations and duties for someone else to do for YOUR wedding is, in fact, burdening them. You accept help for the things that they specifically offer to help you with.  And if they say "let me know what you want help with"  you don't give them the entire to-do list.  And the point of having a MOH is not that she WANTS to help you plan your wedding.  The point is that she is close to you, and is supportive of you and your choice to marry.  It has nothing to do with how much she wants to be your personal assistant.  One of my bridesmaids, while she is happy to be a BM and is totally excited about me getting married, has absolutely ZERO interest in wedding planning stuff/crafting, and that is totally fine. She will be there for me on the day and thats all that matters.
  • I am newly engaged and had never previously thought about weddings and etiquette, so this is all new to me. Just so I understand the other points of view on this board, I have a clarifying question. 

    If the original poster had asked her sister originally to be her MOH, what would be the appropriate course of action? For the bride-to-be to plan on planning and hosting pre-wedding events like the bachelorette party herself unless someone other than the MOH offered? What if the sister volunteered to host the bachelorette party because, as the MOH that make sense, but the bride-to-be is stressed about it because she knows her sister is a notorious procrastinator? Can the bride say no thanks, I'll plan it myself because then I'll know it'll get done?
  • edited September 2013
    OK my original post came off way wrong! First of all I didn't ask my bff to be the MOH because I expect her to be a worker bee and plan my wedding. I approached her and asked if she would be willing to help me with this and was upfront with the help I need. I told her I didn't want to overload her or overwhelm her and that if she didn't want to do it she could absolutely say no. That in no way would it change our relationship because it wouldn't that's just silly. I have asked my FI to help but I can't force him to be more involved. I'm not his mother nor am I one of those women that boss their significant other around. I'm not a bridezilla just because I ask for help either. That's just ridiculous! Once again I'm not expecting her to spend a ton of money all I ask is she buy her dress. My FI and I even decided that we are not even going to put the pressure on our MOH or best man to give speeches. But the fact of the matter is that I do need help with various things that will be more involved which I asked my bff if she would be WILLING to help with and she said yes. Just like I as a friend would do if it was needed. Would you not do anything in your power to help out a friend if you know they truly needed it? But I do see how this comes off and I seem like a really shallow person but maybe you would just have to be directly involved to understand the full scope of it. I have apologized to my sister numerous times! I'm really not a bad person but I guess if you aren't in a situation like this it would be hard to understand. I do appreciate everyone's view though and thank you epufall for understanding! I'm going to continue apologizing to my sister and keep at the two MOHs thing. Hopefully I can somehow help my sister see that I'm not picking my bff over her just because of the dual MOH thing. I can't force her to accept. I'm only trying to be fair and give the respect to my bff who is happy to help me and not because I'm making her but because I asked for help and she is gracious enough and loves me enough to help. Oh and just to clarify I want my friend to be my MOH most of all because I love her and want to share this day with her just as much as I want my sister. I didn't say that before because I assumed that was a given, but that's what I get for assuming. I was just trying to show the whole picture.
  • scribe95 said:

    @epufall. You ask the person you couldn't imagine not being there to be your MOH. Your closest confidant. It's really not that hard.

    People can offer to host them and she can accept or not. It doesn't have to be the wedding party. My aunt offered a shower on my Dad's side and a friend of mine not in the wedding but who was a wonderful sounding board for me did a small friends' shower. No bachelorette.

    Ah, ok that makes sense. So if no one offers then the parties just don't happen?


  • OK my original post came off way wrong! First of all I didn't ask my bff to be the MOH because I expect her to be a worker bee and plan my wedding. I approached her and asked if she would be willing to help me with this and was upfront with the help I need. I told her I didn't want to overload her or overwhelm her and that if she didn't want to do it she could absolutely say no. That in no way would it change our relationship because it wouldn't that's just silly. I have asked my FI to help but I can't force him to be more involved. I'm not his mother nor am I one of those women that boss their significant other around. I'm not a bridezilla just because I ask for help either. That's just ridiculous! Once again I'm not expecting her to spend a ton of money all I ask is she buy her dress. My FI and I even decided that we are not even going to put the pressure on our MOH or best man to give speeches. But the fact of the matter is that I do need help with various things that will be more involved which I asked my bff if she would be WILLING to help with and she said yes. Just like I as a friend would do if it was needed. Would you not do anything in your power to help out a friend if you know they truly needed it? But I do see how this comes off and I seem like a really shallow person but maybe you would just have to be directly involved to understand the full scope of it. I have apologized to my sister numerous times! I'm really not a bad person but I guess if you aren't in a situation like this it would be hard to understand. I do appreciate everyone's view though and thank you epufall for understanding! I'm going to continue apologizing to my sister and keep at the two MOHs thing. Hopefully I can somehow help my sister see that I'm not picking my bff over her just because of the dual MOH thing. I can't force her to accept. I'm only trying to be fair and give the respect to my bff who is happy to help me and not because I'm making her but because I asked for help and she is gracious enough and loves me enough to help. Oh and just to clarify I want my friend to be my MOH most of all because I love her and want to share this day with her just as much as I want my sister. I didn't say that before because I assumed that was a given, but that's what I get for assuming. I was just trying to show the whole picture.
    This is the point you are missing...this should have no bearing on her or anyone else being MOH.  You plan your wedding- if you need help, you hire a wedding planner.  If your friends and family offer their help that is one thing.  Approaching them and saying "I'd love it if you'd be my MOH, oh and by the way, here's all this crap I need help with, do you mind?" is completely different.  

    The fact that you love your friend and want to share the day with her should be your ONLY reason for choosing her as your MOH.  If the same is true for your sister and you also want her to be MOH, go for it.  But if you feel that you only want bff as MOH, then it is totally within your rights to do that too.  Sister may have her feelings hurt, but it is a personal choice and your choice alone.  Family don't automatically have a right to certain positions in your wedding.  Your sister needs to be adult enough to understand that.  Do what you can to smooth things over with her, as it is understandable that her feelings would be hurt, but in the end it is your decision.  
    southernbelle0915PrettyGirlLost
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2013
    You chose your friend over your sister because of what she would do for you.  Of course your sister is hurt and you feel guilty.  That was a really selfish move.

    You need to get your expectations in check, and apologize to your sister.  MOH is to honor the closest person.  It's not a title for the person who does the most for you.  Hopefully this won't ruin your relationship.  

    Planning your wedding is your and your groom's responsibility.  Not your friends'.  If you need help, hire it.  Parties are gifts.  Anyone can choose to give you one, but no one is responsible for it.  
    maryemooSKPMPrettyGirlLost
  • You should choose your MOH and BM based on who you *want* to fill those roles, not who you *need* to fill them. You aren't required to ask your sister to be your MOH, but you also shouldn't choose someone to fill the role based on where they live, or how much money or time they have to offer. 
    My sister lives three states away from me and doesn't have a lot of money and wouldn't be able to help as much as I know she wants to or as much as I need her to. She is also a bit of a procrastinator and there is a possibility that nothing would get done so that leaves me asking my BFF that is here to do everything. My sister won't be able to attend the bridal shower or the bachelorette party so that again leaves my BFF picking up the slack. I plan on doing a lot of DIY for the wedding due to my budget so I'm going to need a lot of help that unfortunately my sister will not be here to help with. Not to mention that my MOH has to be almost the acting groom too cause my fiancé does not want to be that involved with the wedding planning (it's just not his thing) so my MOH will be doing just about everything with me. I can't ask my BFF to do all of these things on top of the financial responsibilities and not ask her to be my MOH. 
    The above reasons, that you said, are not reasons to not pick your sister as the MOH. No one is required to throw you a shower or a bachelorette party. No one is required to help you out with DIY projects. If your BFF offers to help you- yes, you're right, most BFFs would offer- that is great, but it is not a requirement, and her offering help is completely separate from her place in the wedding party. 

    I've had many friends, not in my WP, ask if they could help with any thing/ offer advice if I wanted it/ give recommendations on vendors/ etc. Many of your friends will want to help with what they can- and that's awesome- I've helped friends with things like their shower even though I wasn't in the WP, because I am truly happy for them. But just because your sister can't do these things doesn't mean she can't be the MOH. 

    If BFF *offered* to throw you a party because she *wanted* to, even as your BM, that is her gift to graciously offer, and her gift to carry out- not your sister's responsibility to contribute money or show up to it. BFF only "picks up the slack" if SHE *wants* to do it. Just because you chose (or felt obligated- which was wrong of the bride to push that assumption) to spend more money and do more than the MOH in your personal situation was your choice, not a requirement, so don't push that same assumption on either your sister or BFF. 

    You won't ask BFF to do "all these things" on top of the financial responsibilities (of buying the dress and showing up the day of, that is all she is responsible for). If she offers, you may accept. You may give her a special thank you in your thank you speech, show appreciation in her thank you gift, etc. But that does not automatically equate to her being the MOH. 

    I will sympathize that choosing your WP can be a stressful thing, particularly if you are choosing between your sister and your BFF. I found it hard to make decisions choosing my WP, as you don't want to offend any friends and have them think they aren't important enough to you, yet you can't have everyone in the wedding be party of your bridal party :P, and I don't even have a sister. 

    So while I respect that this is a difficult decision, and you have every right to make your own decision (one over the other is not more entitled to being your MOH), make sure you are making the decision for the right reason. 
  • Me and my older sister are very close, it's always been her and me against the world. We have a bond that is so special and we have always been each other's everything. Growing up it was always of course we would be each other's maid of honor but I asked my best friend to be the MOH over my sister. It wasn't an easy decision! I love my BFF dearly and am very excited to have her as my MOH but a sister is one of the best gifts in this world. I know I sound crazy but here are my reasons - I was recently a bridesmaid in another of my close friend's wedding well not just a bridesmaid I was asked to be the MOH. I had to do everything that the MOH does & I spent over $1000 dollars on her wedding but didn't get the "glory" for it. I know my friend appreciated it and I lover her that's why I did it but it felt like a slap in the face. My sister lives three states away from me and doesn't have a lot of money and wouldn't be able to help as much as I know she wants to or as much as I need her to. She is also a bit of a procrastinator and there is a possibility that nothing would get done so that leaves me asking my BFF that is here to do everything. My sister won't be able to attend the bridal shower or the bachelorette party so that again leaves my BFF picking up the slack. I plan on doing a lot of DIY for the wedding due to my budget so I'm going to need a lot of help that unfortunately my sister will not be here to help with. Not to mention that my MOH has to be almost the acting groom too cause my fiancé does not want to be that involved with the wedding planning (it's just not his thing) so my MOH will be doing just about everything with me. I can't ask my BFF to do all of these things on top of the financial responsibilities and not ask her to be my MOH. I know how it feels and it's just not fair. I hurt my sister by doing this though and in return my heart is literately aching over it. I mentioned to my sister about having two MOHs but she was more offended. I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one. Did I do the right thing? I already feel like saying I give up because this is just one of the really hard situations/decisions I've had to face and I've just started planning. I know you cant make everyone happy but aren't I the bride suppose to be enjoying this process even just a little? Any advice would be much appreciated because right now I feel like the worse person in the world and I honestly care about people and their feelings and just want to do the right thing.

    I understand what u were thinking in choosing ur BFF as ur MOH (at least I think I do)...SUPPORT. Weddings r stressful to plan, and its nice to have someone who can and wants to help out, preferably someone close by. Ur sister lives far away from u and will not be able to participate in things like dress shopping, or be at the bridal shower. And I also know and understand what it feels like to not have the groom help plan (my groom currently lives in another state and can't help). Ur MOH needs to be ur rock, ur winglady, ur go to point person throughout ur planning process to help weed out bad ideas from good ideas, to be that sound board when ur frustrated, and yes a tagalong to appointments. I'm sure that if ur sister was close enough to u, she would be that person. But she's not and ur BFF is. I know that u didn't want to hurt ur sister, and I'm positive that ur hurting because u did. Maybe u can do a sister day with just u and her when she comes into town for the big day. Maybe go to a spa and lunch, or a sister dinner where u can love on her and show her how special she really is to u. I have 1 sister who would have been MOH, but she died very suddenly 3 years ago, and its very hard for me to plan without her (I'm crying again as I write this). She was my absolute everything!! And she woulda went through this journey with me Thelma and Louise style...LoL. She was a mother of 5 little 1's and I know money woulda been tight for her, and time mangement woulda been crazy, but we would have found a way. But she lived in the same city and state as me, and as much as I hate to say it, we brides do need a support system, people who r close by to help, and that isn't ur sister (not trying to offend). So although my situation is not ur situation, I understand having to do this without the 1 who means so much to u. I hope that I haven't offened u in any way (I tend to that a lot on these forums). And I hope that 1 day ur sister realizes just how loved she is, and how hard of a decision it was for u to make and that ur wedding becomes everything u dream it should be. Many many blessings to u.

    PS: yes I know that this isn't proper wedding etiquette, so please don't yell at me. I'm just conveying that I understand the OP feelings.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    cidefi said:
    Me and my older sister are very close, it's always been her and me against the world. We have a bond that is so special and we have always been each other's everything. Growing up it was always of course we would be each other's maid of honor but I asked my best friend to be the MOH over my sister. It wasn't an easy decision! I love my BFF dearly and am very excited to have her as my MOH but a sister is one of the best gifts in this world. I know I sound crazy but here are my reasons - I was recently a bridesmaid in another of my close friend's wedding well not just a bridesmaid I was asked to be the MOH. I had to do everything that the MOH does & I spent over $1000 dollars on her wedding but didn't get the "glory" for it. I know my friend appreciated it and I lover her that's why I did it but it felt like a slap in the face. My sister lives three states away from me and doesn't have a lot of money and wouldn't be able to help as much as I know she wants to or as much as I need her to. She is also a bit of a procrastinator and there is a possibility that nothing would get done so that leaves me asking my BFF that is here to do everything. My sister won't be able to attend the bridal shower or the bachelorette party so that again leaves my BFF picking up the slack. I plan on doing a lot of DIY for the wedding due to my budget so I'm going to need a lot of help that unfortunately my sister will not be here to help with. Not to mention that my MOH has to be almost the acting groom too cause my fiancé does not want to be that involved with the wedding planning (it's just not his thing) so my MOH will be doing just about everything with me. I can't ask my BFF to do all of these things on top of the financial responsibilities and not ask her to be my MOH. I know how it feels and it's just not fair. I hurt my sister by doing this though and in return my heart is literately aching over it. I mentioned to my sister about having two MOHs but she was more offended. I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one. Did I do the right thing? I already feel like saying I give up because this is just one of the really hard situations/decisions I've had to face and I've just started planning. I know you cant make everyone happy but aren't I the bride suppose to be enjoying this process even just a little? Any advice would be much appreciated because right now I feel like the worse person in the world and I honestly care about people and their feelings and just want to do the right thing.
    I understand what u were thinking in choosing ur BFF as ur MOH (at least I think I do)...SUPPORT. Weddings r stressful to plan, and its nice to have someone who can and wants to help out, preferably someone close by. Ur sister lives far away from u and will not be able to participate in things like dress shopping, or be at the bridal shower. And I also know and understand what it feels like to not have the groom help plan (my groom currently lives in another state and can't help). Ur MOH needs to be ur rock, ur winglady, ur go to point person throughout ur planning process to help weed out bad ideas from good ideas, to be that sound board when ur frustrated, and yes a tagalong to appointments. I'm sure that if ur sister was close enough to u, she would be that person. But she's not and ur BFF is. I know that u didn't want to hurt ur sister, and I'm positive that ur hurting because u did. Maybe u can do a sister day with just u and her when she comes into town for the big day. Maybe go to a spa and lunch, or a sister dinner where u can love on her and show her how special she really is to u. I have 1 sister who would have been MOH, but she died very suddenly 3 years ago, and its very hard for me to plan without her (I'm crying again as I write this). She was my absolute everything!! And she woulda went through this journey with me Thelma and Louise style...LoL. She was a mother of 5 little 1's and I know money woulda been tight for her, and time mangement woulda been crazy, but we would have found a way. But she lived in the same city and state as me, and as much as I hate to say it, we brides do need a support system, people who r close by to help, and that isn't ur sister (not trying to offend). So although my situation is not ur situation, I understand having to do this without the 1 who means so much to u. I hope that I haven't offened u in any way (I tend to that a lot on these forums). And I hope that 1 day ur sister realizes just how loved she is, and how hard of a decision it was for u to make and that ur wedding becomes everything u dream it should be. Many many blessings to u. PS: yes I know that this isn't proper wedding etiquette, so please don't yell at me. I'm just conveying that I understand the OP feelings.
    If getting married is so stressful that you need constant support, the wedding is a mistake.  

    Also, if you are adult enough to get married, you are old enough to use real words.  "UR" is for 12 year olds.  
    Liatris2010Dreamergirl8812maryemooPrettyGirlLost
  • Yes, please use your big-girl words here. It's a message board, not a text to your BFF Keightlyyne.

    Dreamergirl8812lfk2013PrettyGirlLost
  • @MyNameIsNot I didn't say getting married was stressful, I said planning a wedding could be.  And who r u 2 tell me not 2 married if I find it stressful.  Don't offer advice 2 me if I didn't ask 4 it.  My comment was directed 2 the OP not u.

    And as 4 my typing, i'll do what I want 2 do.  If u don't like, then don't read what I post.  U don't have comment on everything.  This ain't typing class 101.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    cidefi said:
    @MyNameIsNot I didn't say getting married was stressful, I said planning a wedding could be.  And who r u 2 tell me not 2 married if I find it stressful.  Don't offer advice 2 me if I didn't ask 4 it.  My comment was directed 2 the OP not u.

    And as 4 my typing, i'll do what I want 2 do.  If u don't like, then don't read what I post.  U don't have comment on everything.  This ain't typing class 101.
    Huh?

    maryemoo
  • Wait, I understand not planning your own bridal shower, because that's truly an event that centers largely around gift giving, but why can't you plan your own bachelorette? My MOHs have asked me what I want to do and I said just stay around Miami and go out to my favorite places. Those that are in town or want to fly down are free to; and those that aren't or don't want to are more than welcome not to attend. I'm planning on getting a party bus for me and all of my girls to go out in and I don't expect them to pay for any part of it. I guess I just don't understand how that is tacky or gift grabby.
  • I completely understand your logic, even if no one ells does. My Sister is 19, and 3 hours away at college. There for I plan on asking my BFF to be my MOH, i know my sister is kinda upset by this because i have talked to her about it (even though have yet to ask any of my bridal party). She even told me I wouldn't be her MOH someday, then asked/ assumed if mom would be paying for her dress? She is young and won't be able to drink/plan the bachelor party, she is in college and money is tight at that point in your life, here for things like her dress and added MOH expenses would be hard for her. Lastly, with her being 3 hours away she wont be able to be around as much and therefore it will be hard for her to help with crafting and DIY projects. And being a young engaged couple, were on a tight budget and a lot of things we will be doing our self, and yes my fiancé will be helping a LOT I also need a friend to help and it just cant be my sister and i know my BFF will be glad to.
  • Wait, I understand not planning your own bridal shower, because that's truly an event that centers largely around gift giving, but why can't you plan your own bachelorette? My MOHs have asked me what I want to do and I said just stay around Miami and go out to my favorite places. Those that are in town or want to fly down are free to; and those that aren't or don't want to are more than welcome not to attend. I'm planning on getting a party bus for me and all of my girls to go out in and I don't expect them to pay for any part of it. I guess I just don't understand how that is tacky or gift grabby.
    I think the idea is because it's a party in your honor. You're not suppose to throw parties in your owner. But I think that means you're not supposed to throw your own birthday parties either.

    Anniversary
  • I'm certainly glad that the fact that I live three hours away from my sister did not deter her from asking me to be her Maid of Honor. That being said, I managed to throw her a pretty spectacular shower and a great bachelorette party even though I wasn't local. 

    You are of course free to choose whomever you'd like to be your Maid of Honor, but I don't fault your sister for being offended at the reasons you've given.
  • First thing,
    I think you need to talk to your groom and make him understand that this is HIS wedding too. Going to venues and all that is supposed to be between you and the groom..not you and your MOH. You're not marrying her are you? If he doesn't like that type of thing that's fine I just think a wedding has a lot more sentimental value if you both put all of your efforts into it.
    I'm not against choosing your best friend over your sister, but not for the reasons that you did. Your maid of honor should really be whoever is the closest to you, not who can do the most.
    I'm also not against bridesmaids helping out with DIY projects or other little tasks, but don't expect them to. Just make sure you ask them first. Also, don't expect a bachelorette party or a bridal shower. When you expect things people tend to get pissy with you. However, if you go in not expecting I guarantee they will love to throw you both parties. 
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