How would you handle this?

RJD5 · November 2013

FI and I are getting married and having our reception in a place that strictly prohibits smoking and drinking. We signed a contract stating that we understand these activities are not to take place on park grounds and we do not want these activities at our wedding/rehearsal. FI's cousins told us that they plan on bringing a flask anyway because "you can't expect us not to drink at a wedding." We tried to explain to them that we signed a legal contract and that we cannot have alcohol on the premises, but they said that "it doesn't matter; nobody will really find out. We're going to bring one anyway." FI's brother is also telling us that he still plans on lighting up.

What the heck am I expected to do in this circumstance? FI and I absolutely do not want smoking and drinking at our wedding, so we were both relieved that the facility doesn't even allow it, but it looks like it's going to happen anyway. We're renting a building through the county park system, so it's not like a ballroom that'll have staff there to monitor. Someone will be by to check on us, but that's it.

clg1213 · November 2013

You've done what you can. You publicized the rules and made it clear it was not just your preference but also the site rules (though either one alone should be plenty). You can't totally stop other adults from doing what they want. If you want to do so, warn the coordinator of what you heard may happen (you will not be the first to have this issue!), but you don't have to

Jen4948 · November 2013

Have security and authorize them to escort them away if they pull out any flasks.

Edited to add: If you haven't already sent invitations to these clods, leave them off your guest list.

StephJean83 · November 2013

Jen4948 said:
Have security and authorize them to escort them away if they pull out any flasks.

Or light up.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

RJD5 said:

FI and I are getting married and having our reception in a place that strictly prohibits smoking and drinking. We signed a contract stating that we understand these activities are not to take place on park grounds and we do not want these activities at our wedding/rehearsal. FI's cousins told us that they plan on bringing a flask anyway because "you can't expect us not to drink at a wedding." We tried to explain to them that we signed a legal contract and that we cannot have alcohol on the premises, but they said that "it doesn't matter; nobody will really find out. We're going to bring one anyway." FI's brother is also telling us that he still plans on lighting up.

What the heck am I expected to do in this circumstance? FI and I absolutely do not want smoking and drinking at our wedding, so we were both relieved that the facility doesn't even allow it, but it looks like it's going to happen anyway. We're renting a building through the county park system, so it's not like a ballroom that'll have staff there to monitor. Someone will be by to check on us, but that's it.

Honestly? I'd uninvite them. It's on you and your FI if you break the legal contract that you've signed. If they can't respect your rules, they don't get to come to the party. Generally, I'm not in favour of brides and grooms using the 'but it's OUUUUUR DAAAAAYY' BS line, but in this case -- it's your day, you get to set the rules (within reason), and having a dry wedding is perfectly acceptable.

(Side note: I am feeling extremely judgeypants today, so take my advice with that caveat in mind.)

RJD5 · November 2013

Unfortunately I can't leave them off the guest list/un-invite them without starting WWIII

I can look into hiring security though

Jen4948 · November 2013

RJD5 said:

Unfortunately I can't leave them off the guest list/un-invite them without starting WWIII I can look into hiring security though

If they're going to behave in ways that get you into legal trouble, I think you should start World War III. It reflects on them, not you. I'd still hire security to make sure nobody else does this. You might even be legally required to do so.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

Ditto @Jen4948 (and btw I loved your post). You get to start WWIII over issues that are legal and will affect your liability.

doeydo · November 2013

Either hire security with specific instructions to escort people they find smoking or drinking or don't invite those people at all.

ktjanesmom · November 2013

I am not sure how you expect smokers to go that many hours without lighting up. I personally hate smoking but honestly, thats expecting alot. You should expect people to leave early.

jessicabessica · November 2013

I would put up signs telling people no smoking/drinking, and stop talking to these family members about it. It sounds like they are just goading you at this point. You might consider having security to monitor at the wedding so you don't have to worry about it.

aurorajanette · November 2013

ktjanesmom said:

I am not sure how you expect smokers to go that many hours without lighting up. I personally hate smoking but honestly, thats expecting alot. You should expect people to leave early.

I don't think it's expecting a lot. Maybe it's because I'm from an area where smoking is banned in most places, and many people have smoke free campuses at their workplace. If people can go 8+ hours without smoking at work, they can certainly go a few hours without smoking at a wedding. It all comes down to priorities. Is it more important to them to light up a cigarette or spend the evening enjoying RJD5's wedding with family and friends.

NYCMercedes · November 2013

ktjanesmom said:

I am not sure how you expect smokers to go that many hours without lighting up. I personally hate smoking but honestly, thats expecting alot. You should expect people to leave early.

So, they leave.

mysticl · November 2013

ktjanesmom said:

I am not sure how you expect smokers to go that many hours without lighting up. I personally hate smoking but honestly, thats expecting alot. You should expect people to leave early.

Would it be "expecting a lot" for an alcoholic to go without a drink? Or a dug user to not get high?

cruffino · November 2013

mysticl said:

ktjanesmom said:

I am not sure how you expect smokers to go that many hours without lighting up. I personally hate smoking but honestly, thats expecting alot. You should expect people to leave early.

Would it be "expecting a lot" for an alcoholic to go without a drink? Or a dug user to not get high?

well that's kinda the point of addiction, whether alcohol, drugs or tobacco, an addict can't go very long without his drug of choice.

Maggie0829 · November 2013

NYCMercedes said:

ktjanesmom said:

I am not sure how you expect smokers to go that many hours without lighting up. I personally hate smoking but honestly, thats expecting alot. You should expect people to leave early.

So, they leave.

Yup. It is not the bride and grooms responsibility to cater to their guests smoking of drinking habits. If their guests can't manage a few hours without a cig or a drink then they either decline the invitation or leave early.

mysticl · November 2013

cruffino said:

ktjanesmom said:

I am not sure how you expect smokers to go that many hours without lighting up. I personally hate smoking but honestly, thats expecting alot. You should expect people to leave early.

Would it be "expecting a lot" for an alcoholic to go without a drink? Or a dug user to not get high?
well that's kinda the point of addiction, whether alcohol, drugs or tobacco, an addict can't go very long without his drug of choice.

Yes, but people don't normally accommodate other addicts and are not expected to. Jobs don't give beer or crack breaks but some do give smoke breaks (and these are not breaks given to non smokers). So if it is okay for the OP to expect people to not drink or get high at her wedding it is okay for her to expect them not to smoke. Especially when the venue has rules prohibiting it and she could get sued if someone breaks those rules.

Jen4948 · November 2013

NYCMercedes said:

ktjanesmom said:

I am not sure how you expect smokers to go that many hours without lighting up. I personally hate smoking but honestly, thats expecting alot. You should expect people to leave early.

So, they leave.

Yup. In my family, on both sides, there is a history of cancer. Smokers invited to my wedding who want to smoke will have to leave to do so. And they'll have to get over not being allowed to smoke at the wedding itself. It's not expecting too much for them to either leave or refrain from smoking if they stay.

delujm0 · November 2013

ktjanesmom said:

I am not sure how you expect smokers to go that many hours without lighting up. I personally hate smoking but honestly, thats expecting alot. You should expect people to leave early.

So what do these guests do when they have to take a 4 hour flight someplace? And they truly cannot smoke for 4 hours? I mean they're adults with transportation - if they need to smoke that badly they can either leave the reception early or bring some Nicorette to get them through the evening (i have smoking friends that bring Nicorette on long flights for this exact reason, and it works out fine). I don't think she's expectng a lot at all.

ashleyep · November 2013

Jen4948 said:

NYCMercedes said:

ktjanesmom said:

I am not sure how you expect smokers to go that many hours without lighting up. I personally hate smoking but honestly, thats expecting alot. You should expect people to leave early.

So, they leave.

Yup. In my family, on both sides, there is a history of cancer. Smokers invited to my wedding who want to smoke will have to leave to do so. And they'll have to get over not being allowed to smoke at the wedding itself. It's not expecting too much for them to either leave or refrain from smoking if they stay.

They can't just go outside or step away from the reception? It seems a bit much to control a guest's behavior like that. It's one thing if the venue doesn't allow it, but I'd roll my eyes hard if you were telling guests they couldn't smoke, even outside.

(or you live in a state where smoking is allowed indoors, which my state does not allow, and that's what you're talking about)

Jen4948 · November 2013

ashleyep said:

Jen4948 said:

NYCMercedes said:

ktjanesmom said:

I am not sure how you expect smokers to go that many hours without lighting up. I personally hate smoking but honestly, thats expecting alot. You should expect people to leave early.

So, they leave.

Yup. In my family, on both sides, there is a history of cancer. Smokers invited to my wedding who want to smoke will have to leave to do so. And they'll have to get over not being allowed to smoke at the wedding itself. It's not expecting too much for them to either leave or refrain from smoking if they stay.

They can't just go outside? It seems a bit much to control a guest's behavior like that.

I'd say going outside is the equivalent of leaving, but to tell you the truth, I hate it when people stand just outside doors and smoke. It is impossible for people coming and going through those doors to avoid the smoke.

ashleyep · November 2013

@Jen4948 Oh ok. I edited my post, I forget that there are states where smoking is allowed indoors. A lot of venues here have designated smoking areas set up away from the doors.

ashleyep · November 2013

bubbles053009 said:

ashleyep said:

Jen4948 said:

NYCMercedes said:

ktjanesmom said:

I am not sure how you expect smokers to go that many hours without lighting up. I personally hate smoking but honestly, thats expecting alot. You should expect people to leave early.

So, they leave.

Yup. In my family, on both sides, there is a history of cancer. Smokers invited to my wedding who want to smoke will have to leave to do so. And they'll have to get over not being allowed to smoke at the wedding itself. It's not expecting too much for them to either leave or refrain from smoking if they stay.

They can't just go outside or step away from the reception? It seems a bit much to control a guest's behavior like that. It's one thing if the venue doesn't allow it, but I'd roll my eyes hard if you were telling guests they couldn't smoke, even outside.

(or you live in a state where smoking is allowed indoors, which my state does not allow, and that's what you're talking about)

I think it's not even allowed anywhere on the property, even outside. That's what I was getting from the OP.

No, I get that. But that's not what Jen was saying. We say all the time that you can't dictate guest attire unless your venue has a dress code and this seems similar. You can't tell your guests they can't step away from your party to smoke unless your venue forbids it.

photokitty · November 2013

How old are these asshats? Can you tell their parents of the rule? I know it's lame to pull the tattle card but seriously they are acting like children.

It's fairly common that smoking and drinking is not allowed in county parks. You can't smoke in our metro or state parks. The risk of fire is HUGE concern. The OP is renting a building at a county park so stepping outside to smoke is not an option. If you can't make it for a few hours without smoking don't go. The venue forbids it so you have every right to tell people and tell them you will enforce it.

MuppetOverlord · November 2013

RJD5 said:

FI and I are getting married and having our reception in a place that strictly prohibits smoking and drinking. We signed a contract stating that we understand these activities are not to take place on park grounds and we do not want these activities at our wedding/rehearsal. FI's cousins told us that they plan on bringing a flask anyway because "you can't expect us not to drink at a wedding." We tried to explain to them that we signed a legal contract and that we cannot have alcohol on the premises, but they said that "it doesn't matter; nobody will really find out. We're going to bring one anyway." FI's brother is also telling us that he still plans on lighting up.

What the heck am I expected to do in this circumstance? FI and I absolutely do not want smoking and drinking at our wedding, so we were both relieved that the facility doesn't even allow it, but it looks like it's going to happen anyway. We're renting a building through the county park system, so it's not like a ballroom that'll have staff there to monitor. Someone will be by to check on us, but that's it.

I would leave it be after your fiance asks them to respect your contract with the venue.
If they bring flasks, it will not reflect poorly on you. People did this at a wedding I went to in December and 2 were warned that they would be asked to leave by the venue if they continued.

phira · November 2013

This really sucks that your guests are being unbelievably immature asshats. I don't have a lot to add in terms of what you can do--I think that you can either hire security, or talk to your venue about what will be done about guests who refuse to comply (e.g. should you uninvite them or will they be escorted off the property?).

1) I don't know many people who can't go without a cigarette for a few hours. Like people have said already, plenty of smokers have to go without cigarettes on flights or at work. Alcoholics can go without a drink for several hours as well. This is such a huge "duh" that I can't believe people are even arguing that no smoking/no drinking is so difficult.

2) Your wedding is not an obligation. If someone is unable to attend, then they're unable to attend. No hard feelings. So if a guest cannot go 4-5 hours without smoking, then they can stay home. If a guest cannot go without alcohol for 4-5 hours, they can stay home.

tammym1001 · November 2013

At our parks here, if a ranger catches someone at a party you are throwing breaking the rules they will shut your party down. I'm not sure what the ramifications at your park are, but them bringing a flask could literally ruin your wedding. Perhaps you should share with them what will happen if they get caught and if they still insist on bringing a flask, have someone who can escort them off the property when they get there. I would also let them know that you plan on doing that so they aren't surprised by it. Hopefully they will change their minds.

princessleia22 · November 2013

aurorajanette said:

ktjanesmom said:

I am not sure how you expect smokers to go that many hours without lighting up. I personally hate smoking but honestly, thats expecting alot. You should expect people to leave early.

I don't think it's expecting a lot. Maybe it's because I'm from an area where smoking is banned in most places, and many people have smoke free campuses at their workplace. If people can go 8+ hours without smoking at work, they can certainly go a few hours without smoking at a wedding. It all comes down to priorities. Is it more important to them to light up a cigarette or spend the evening enjoying RJD5's wedding with family and friends.

I am an ex-smoker (after 18 years smoking, I haven't had one in almost 2 years). I've had times where I was in non-smoking areas or non-smoking events. With so many non-smoking areas these day, and that increasing, it's not necessarily uncommon. Sometimes I would deal with it and get through without a cigarette. If I really needed one, I would go outside, or off the property even, if I needed to. I've had many times I've gone off property to the closest street or sidewalk to have a cigarette without breaking any rules, then returned to the event. I tried to be respectful of the places I was at or the people I was around. And not smoking for a while is generally easier if there isn't any alcohol.

I would tell them, that you had to sign a contract and you could get into serious trouble or have additional expense if alcohol or smoking is taking place at the wedding/reception facility. Tell them that if they need to smoke or drink, please do so off the facility grounds, and that if you have any respect for us, you will respect our wishes during this important day. And anyone caught doing these activities on facility property during the event will be told to leave. And if you think it is still necessary, hiring security may not be a bad idea.

mysticl · November 2013

nicoann said:

aurorajanette said:

ktjanesmom said:

I am not sure how you expect smokers to go that many hours without lighting up. I personally hate smoking but honestly, thats expecting alot. You should expect people to leave early.

I don't think it's expecting a lot. Maybe it's because I'm from an area where smoking is banned in most places, and many people have smoke free campuses at their workplace. If people can go 8+ hours without smoking at work, they can certainly go a few hours without smoking at a wedding. It all comes down to priorities. Is it more important to them to light up a cigarette or spend the evening enjoying RJD5's wedding with family and friends.

I am an ex-smoker (after 18 years smoking, I haven't had one in almost 2 years). I've had times where I was in non-smoking areas or non-smoking events. With so many non-smoking areas these day, and that increasing, it's not necessarily uncommon. Sometimes I would deal with it and get through without a cigarette. If I really needed one, I would go outside, or off the property even, if I needed to. I've had many times I've gone off property to the closest street or sidewalk to have a cigarette without breaking any rules, then returned to the event. I tried to be respectful of the places I was at or the people I was around. And not smoking for a while is generally easier if there isn't any alcohol.

I would tell them, that you had to sign a contract and you could get into serious trouble or have additional expense if alcohol or smoking is taking place at the wedding/reception facility. Tell them that if they need to smoke or drink, please do so off the facility grounds, and that if you have any respect for us, you will respect our wishes during this important day. And anyone caught doing these activities on facility property during the event will be told to leave. And if you think it is still necessary, hiring security may not be a bad idea.

Good for you.

You make some good points. I have some friends who are smokers and they manage to follow the smoking policies of the places they visit.

RJD5 · November 2013

Thanks everyone for your feedback. There are 3 cousins; 21 yrs, 24 years, and I think 26. I can maybe have FI have his mom talk to their mom? I know he doesn't want to say anything because he's not as concerned about the ramifications and they're almost like his siblings and he doesn't want to do anything to upset them. But I do believe that if we're caught violating rules then yes, the party will be shut down immediately and there will be fines associated with the cost. Smoking and drinking is not permitted anywhere on the property - even outside the building.

phira · November 2013

@RJD5 It sounds like if they're caught, the whole party is over for everyone and you and your fiance have to pay the price literally, and figuratively.

If that's the case, I think you should tell them that if they're planning on breaking the rules, they should not come. They're old enough to know better, and they're pretty much being assholes.

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