Thank you note for this?

WonderRed · November 2013

My mom dropped me off for my hair appointment yesterday and picked me up. When I went to pay she stopped me and told me she would pay for it. She went on to say that this was "our" wedding present. She otherwise gave us a card that she just signed with her first name and nothing else. I greatly appreciate her picking up the tab but it's also just kind of one more jab at DH and how my mom treats him, for absolutely no reason, that she would give "us" a gift of my hair being done. She was polite but beyond annoyed all day yesterday that everyone was having so much fun and raving about our venue, ceremony, etc., that our day went off without a hitch, and was just beautiful all around. She actually told one of my best friends that she's bitter about this whole thing but supposes it was a nice day. *sigh*

So anyway, formal thank you card for "our" gift from both of us, like we will be doing for all of our TYs, or just one from me?

doeydo · November 2013

I think there should definitely be a thank you note. As for who is signing it/who it is from, I think maybe just you.

SlothGoals · November 2013

Since it was apparently a gift to both of you would not putting DH's name on it incite further snarky comments from her?

I say sign it from both of you since she believes it to be a gift to both of you. Don't give her another reason to make jabs at DH.

mommapizano · November 2013

I would just do a thank you card from both of you. That way you both are 100% in the right and she won't have a reason to criticize either of you over this.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

I would also like to add that I think a thank you card deserves as much thought as the gift your thanking for (my rule of thumb!) so I have a lot of cookie cutter thank you cards and then occasionally when I think that someone really went above and beyond, I try to go above and beyond in my notes. I would say that your mom should get the standard thank you everyone else will get. "Thank you so much for your gift of..." "We really appreciate it" "love Mr and Mrs DH". I would think that if that is the kid of format you are sending the rest of your cards out in, just send that one like that too.

bethsmiles · November 2013

clairekundinger said:

I would also like to add that I think a thank you card deserves as much thought as the gift your thanking for (my rule of thumb!) so I have a lot of cookie cutter thank you cards and then occasionally when I think that someone really went above and beyond, I try to go above and beyond in my notes. I would say that your mom should get the standard thank you everyone else will get. "Thank you so much for your gift of..." "We really appreciate it" "love Mr and Mrs DH". I would think that if that is the kid of format you are sending the rest of your cards out in, just send that one like that too.

How do you determine if someone went above and beyond? I think you should be genuinely thankful for any gift you receive and always assume your friends/family put thought into. I usually get something off a couple's registry but I spend a lot of time picking it out and definitely put thought into it, I would be offended if my friend decided I didn't put enough thought into my gift so I just get a cookie cutter response.

OP - I'd send a thank-you note and just sign whatever will cause less drama.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

I would advocate being effusive, and just killing her with kindness.

I have intermittently tried that with DH's grandmother, who is an old battleaxe, and when I do, it especially annoys her.

KickAssMOH · November 2013

A firend of mine gave me my "wedding makeup" as a gift as she is a professional makeup artist. It came out lovely, and for the thank-you note, my husband wrote it. He thanked her for making me look so pretty on our wedding day because he was "really having some doubts but when I came out looking so glamorous, it sealed the deal!" Obviously, it was meant to be a funny thank you card...but I'd say you should do the same. How funny would that be if your husband seemed truly thankful toward your mom for picking up the tab and helping you look SOOOO good on your wedding day when she really just wanted to give a gift for you and not for him?

climbingsingle · November 2013

mrspizanotobe said:

I would just do a thank you card from both of you. That way you both are 100% in the right and she won't have a reason to criticize either of you over this.

I agree with this.

misssunshine17 · November 2013

I would stop having her do things for you (driving you to your apt) and accepting her gifts (her paying) if she's so bad. That is how people manipulate others. Write her a thank you from both and then stop playing her games.

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

clairekundinger said:

I would also like to add that I think a thank you card deserves as much thought as the gift your thanking for (my rule of thumb!) so I have a lot of cookie cutter thank you cards and then occasionally when I think that someone really went above and beyond, I try to go above and beyond in my notes. I would say that your mom should get the standard thank you everyone else will get. "Thank you so much for your gift of..." "We really appreciate it" "love Mr and Mrs DH". I would think that if that is the kid of format you are sending the rest of your cards out in, just send that one like that too.

Rating gifts is a really crappy thing to do. Gifts should be unexpected and appreciated. The above is just bad etiquette.

Definitely write her a thank you note from the both of you as PP have said. This way she knows you stand as one against her silly games.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

I don't mean gift rating. I don't think that having more money or anything makes a gift better I mean obviously out of their way. For my friends wedding I helped set up and clean up and coordinate, I picked up linens and projectors and paid for those things, I went very far out of my way because I could and I wanted to. That I what I mean. I'm not taking the 100 blender vs the $50 blender vs the simple card. I feel like there are people that are going to do more for you for your wedding and give you more and I think that deserves more of a thank you.

Amyzen83 · November 2013

You're mom sounds like a negative person... I'd still send a thank-you note from both of you. I'm not sure what your dynamics have been throughout the wedding planning process or engagement process, but the fact that she at least helped you look your best for your day, warrants a thank you of some kind. I like how some people said that you should have him thank her, because he benefits by having a beautiful bride. Anyway not sure where her head was at, I wouldn't let her attitude and negativity prevent you and your hubby from taking the high road and thanking everyone who did anything for you no matter how big or small. If your mother's negativity continues to pour in your relationship with your husband, then you may want to think about how much time you actually want to spend with her... she'll learn that if she wants to maintain a good relationship with her daughter, then she needs to accept her daughter's husband, because you are now a family with him.

bethsmiles · November 2013

clairekundinger said:

I don't mean gift rating. I don't think that having more money or anything makes a gift better I mean obviously out of their way. For my friends wedding I helped set up and clean up and coordinate, I picked up linens and projectors and paid for those things, I went very far out of my way because I could and I wanted to. That I what I mean. I'm not taking the 100 blender vs the $50 blender vs the simple card. I feel like there are people that are going to do more for you for your wedding and give you more and I think that deserves more of a thank you.

Yeah, I understood what you meant. I think it is crappy to give people cookie cutter responses because they didn't do enough to warrant a real thank-you. Rating gifts, however you rate them, is crappy.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

@bethsmiles I honestly don't think I've ever seen a non cookie cutter thank you note. I wouldn't send one out as a way to be rude, just because that's how all the thank you'd I've ever seen have been done. What do you write if not thank you so much for coming and for -gift- we love and and will use it for, put it towards, have many nights of fun with it. Signed the thanking?

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

clairekundinger said:

@bethsmiles I honestly don't think I've ever seen a non cookie cutter thank you note. I wouldn't send one out as a way to be rude, just because that's how all the thank you'd I've ever seen have been done. What do you write if not thank you so much for coming and for -gift- we love and and will use it for, put it towards, have many nights of fun with it. Signed the thanking?

I mean are you thanking someone more than someone else because they gave more time, money, and whatever else? Any amount of time or money spent on you and your day is worth thanking with purpose and meaning. Even if it was 5 minutes or an hour someone gave you is all I am saying.

I think the bolded is not all that cookie cutter so looks like we are on different pages there. I say this because you are including the insight as to how their gift will be used in your lives. I think that's completely appropriate and nice. I enjoy when someone explains how the thing I got/did for them impacts them. It's sweet.

Added: I think it's cookie cutter when someone just sends 'Thank you for the gift.' The end and nothing else. I think of cookie cutter as just the lining of a thank you and no insight.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

AHHH Ic. I feel like the above is cookie cutter to me because it is fill in the blank where as when someone does so much that you couldn't fit it in that format, it requires more of a thank you. You can't tell everyone that you couldn't have had the wedding without their help ya know?

I do see how sending out a picture card with a "thanks"'would be way more cookie cutter but certainly not what I was talking about I think because how almost rude is that? Why send thank yous at all?

Jen4948 · November 2013

clairekundinger said:

AHHH Ic. I feel like the above is cookie cutter to me because it is fill in the blank where as when someone does so much that you couldn't fit it in that format, it requires more of a thank you. You can't tell everyone that you couldn't have had the wedding without their help ya know? I do see how sending out a picture card with a "thanks"'would be way more cookie cutter but certainly not what I was talking about I think because how almost rude is that? Why send thank yous at all?

Because if someone took the trouble to do something nice for you, including giving you a gift, you owe them the courtesy of letting them know that the time, energy, and resources they expended to do this are appreciated by you. Not doing it makes you look unappreciative, greedy, and taking their generosity for granted-regardless of your intentions-and it's really rude not to.

lovesclimbing · November 2013

What do you guys define as "cookie cutter?" Most of our thank you notes said something similar to "Dear so-and-so. Thank you very much for the set of bowls/your generous gift (if a check/cash). We've used them several times already to make xyz/We will use it toward xyz. We're so glad you could attend the wedding. Love, lovesclimbing and lovesclimbing'sH."

I don't view that as cookie cutter even though most of them were somewhat similar to that. I view cookie cutter as "thank you for the gift. love b and g"

Close friends/family got a little more detail and more "can't wait to see you guys at Christmas" or "loved spending time with you the days before the wedding" and stuff like that. But our wedding was somewhat large (100 or so) and there were lots of people neither of us had ever met before the receiving line (parents' friends) so there's not as much we can go into about them.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

@jen4948 I agree that people deserve a thank you card but i think that a pre printed card that says "thanks" on it is not a high step above not sending anything, if any step above. It's like saying you know someone deserves a thank you but you didn't feel like spending the time to do it properly. :x barf

Jen4948 · November 2013

clairekundinger said:

@jen4948 I agree that people deserve a thank you card but i think that a pre printed card that says "thanks" on it is not a high step above not sending anything, if any step above. It's like saying you know someone deserves a thank you but you didn't feel like spending the time to do it properly. :x barf

I agree that it's not a high step, and it's annoying to get one of those, but I still think you should rise above it.

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