Assigned Seating vs. Sit Where You Want

maryemoo · November 2013

I'm not going to do assigned seating for anyone; it's all family with a handful of close friends; FI has family that don't get along, but they are all adults and I trust them not to sit next to each other. They can handle it.

Bashley20062 · November 2013

Personally I think whatever you choose will work out, but the downfall with not having assigned seating is that it can be kind of awkward for people to find a seat. (unless it's a small wedding where everyone knows everyone) I feel like there will be a lot of single seats left open between different groups, which leaves empty seats and uncomfortable people due to having to ask others if they can slide over a seat to enable them to be able to sit with their date.

I get the whole wanting to save money on the escort cards so they have plenty of ideas on pinterest as to how to show where people are supposed to sit without having the actual cards. For example you can get a chalk board and write the table names or numbers with a list of those who are sitting at the table underneath the table name.

I love the idea of "As two families are becoming one, we ask that you choose a seat, not a side." for the ceremony. My friend did that at a wedding and I thought it was really sweet.

Jessie2292 · November 2013

I'm against assigning tables or seats. I'm having a huge wedding, 200+ people, so the event space is multiple rooms. I'd hate to seat someone outside of the main room, in case they felt it meant they were less important.

Also, with that many people, doing a seating arrangement is a huge hassle for me and a huge nightmare for the guests, since then they have to find their name out of hundreds and find their table number.

Then we're removing tables to make room for dancing. Is someone going to get mad if I assign them a table they can't "keep" all night? Better just to put a little sign saying that table will be removed at a certain time and let them decide for themselves.

We will be reserving tables for the wedding party and parents and grandparents (and us!), but beyond that, they can pick somewhere to sit that suits them. Not like they'll be sitting there long anyway.

Jen4948 · November 2013

Jessie2292 said:

I'm against assigning tables or seats. I'm having a huge wedding, 200+ people, so the event space is multiple rooms. I'd hate to seat someone outside of the main room, in case they felt it meant they were less important. Also, with that many people, doing a seating arrangement is a huge hassle for me and a huge nightmare for the guests, since then they have to find their name out of hundreds and find their table number. Then we're removing tables to make room for dancing. Is someone going to get mad if I assign them a table they can't "keep" all night? Better just to put a little sign saying that table will be removed at a certain time and let them decide for themselves. We will be reserving tables for the wedding party and parents and grandparents (and us!), but beyond that, they can pick somewhere to sit that suits them. Not like they'll be sitting there long anyway.

Yes, they're going to get mad. Justifiably.

HaileyDancingbear · November 2013

Not gonna lie, I am completely anti seating chart. (Before I explain why, I want to make it really clear that if you do have a seating chart at your wedding or are planning one, I mean absolutely no offense and since every bride and every wedding is different, what works for me and what works for you is different, if you have/will have a seating chart and like that, great. It's just not MY cup of tea.) I get that it's more convenient to have someone else tell you where to sit for some people, but for others it's just annoying. I'm not a grade school teacher, and I really don't feel like telling a bunch of grown men and women where to sit.

I find the whole "Keep people with bad blood apart" point of seating charts absolutely ridiculous. I'm sorry, these are a bunch of grown men and women, they can handle their own personal crap, if two people don't get along, they can seat themselves at different tables. I am not going to stress myself out worrying about the personal drama of every person I invite, who argues with who, who likes who, etc, every detail of which can change at any moment, I'm far too busy handling my own life, and planning an entire wedding. If two people who hate each other decide to sit at the same table, then let them ruin their own nights, it's their fault for being petty (Because why else would you purposely sit next to your sworn enemy?) Frankly I don't baby people, if you're going to be petty and make yourself miserable, I'm not going to make that my headache.

Also, I don't see the point in arranging people so the different families are at different tables. If my parents and his parents wanna sit together, then let them! We're celebrating two families becoming one, so if a table is full of people from both sides of the family, that's great. They get to learn more about their new family members. And again, I'm inviting all adults, so I'm gonna go ahead and say I trust a bunch of grown men and women to figure out who they want to sit with. The only issue with seat yourself that I actually agree with is that it can be confusing which seats are and aren't taken, finding out who is sitting where, but that's easily resolved. I can just put out place cards with just the guest's names, and let them put them at any seat they want. If there's a specific person you want to sit next to, look for their place card, and any seat without a card is clearly not taken. If the seat someone wanted is taken, oh well, it's not the end of the world, a mature adult should be able to at least get along with the people they do end up sitting with for the short period of time that they are seated. And you could always ask someone to switch seats.

doeydo · November 2013

Jessie2292 said:

I'm against assigning tables or seats. I'm having a huge wedding, 200+ people, so the event space is multiple rooms. I'd hate to seat someone outside of the main room, in case they felt it meant they were less important. Also, with that many people, doing a seating arrangement is a huge hassle for me and a huge nightmare for the guests, since then they have to find their name out of hundreds and find their table number. Then we're removing tables to make room for dancing. Is someone going to get mad if I assign them a table they can't "keep" all night? Better just to put a little sign saying that table will be removed at a certain time and let them decide for themselves. We will be reserving tables for the wedding party and parents and grandparents (and us!), but beyond that, they can pick somewhere to sit that suits them. Not like they'll be sitting there long anyway.

So there is either going to be a mad dash for the "good" tables or guests will be surprised/disappointed with the way the reception is set up. Not to mention that little old men and women and people with disabilities might get the "bad" seats. People will be mad that you are taking away their table anyway. That is your fault for picking a venue that couldn't accommodate all of your guests for the whole night; so find a new one or just take away your own table to make room. ETA I spend most of my time at my table during a reception. I am not a huge dancer and can't stand for long periods of time because I have back problems. People like to store their stuff at their table/with their chair and might actually spend a lot of time there. Also, if you are serving cake or anything else after the tables are getting taken away, what are guests supposed to do? Balance a drink and purse and manage to eat cake at the same time?

[Deleted User] · November 2013

I've never been to a wedding with a seating chart and I've never had to stand at a reception. I don't think I we will do assigned tables because it would be so out of place for our social group. I also think that if you're inviting a bunch of people who know each other, assigned tables isn't as big of a deal. I see a lot of people talk about going to weddings where they don't know anyone but the B&G and idk what that would be like!

Jen4948 · November 2013

HaileyDancingbear said:

Not gonna lie, I am completely anti seating chart. (Before I explain why, I want to make it really clear that if you do have a seating chart at your wedding or are planning one, I mean absolutely no offense and since every bride and every wedding is different, what works for me and what works for you is different, if you have/will have a seating chart and like that, great. It's just not MY cup of tea.) I get that it's more convenient to have someone else tell you where to sit for some people, but for others it's just annoying. I'm not a grade school teacher, and I really don't feel like telling a bunch of grown men and women where to sit.
I find the whole "Keep people with bad blood apart" point of seating charts absolutely ridiculous. I'm sorry, these are a bunch of grown men and women, they can handle their own personal crap, if two people don't get along, they can seat themselves at different tables. I am not going to stress myself out worrying about the personal drama of every person I invite, who argues with who, who likes who, etc, every detail of which can change at any moment, I'm far too busy handling my own life, and planning an entire wedding. If two people who hate each other decide to sit at the same table, then let them ruin their own nights, it's their fault for being petty (Because why else would you purposely sit next to your sworn enemy?) Frankly I don't baby people, if you're going to be petty and make yourself miserable, I'm not going to make that my headache.
Also, I don't see the point in arranging people so the different families are at different tables. If my parents and his parents wanna sit together, then let them! We're celebrating two families becoming one, so if a table is full of people from both sides of the family, that's great. They get to learn more about their new family members. And again, I'm inviting all adults, so I'm gonna go ahead and say I trust a bunch of grown men and women to figure out who they want to sit with. The only issue with seat yourself that I actually agree with is that it can be confusing which seats are and aren't taken, finding out who is sitting where, but that's easily resolved. I can just put out place cards with just the guest's names, and let them put them at any seat they want. If there's a specific person you want to sit next to, look for their place card, and any seat without a card is clearly not taken. If the seat someone wanted is taken, oh well, it's not the end of the world, a mature adult should be able to at least get along with the people they do end up sitting with for the short period of time that they are seated. And you could always ask someone to switch seats.

If they could handle their own personal crap, you wouldn't see all the stories on wedding sites and elsewhere about weddings full of supposedly mature adults who couldn't handle their own personal crap. Sorry, no. A good host takes into account the possibility that they CAN'T and plans accordingly-s/he doesn't leave them to just "handle their own personal crap" at everyone else's expense. Nor should they be asking anyone else to switch seats. That's inconsiderate.

doeeyedbecky · November 2013

SP29 said:

If you have guests with specific needs, for example someone with mobility issues so you'd like them to have the least walking distance to the bathroom, you can also assign them to an appropriate location.

You'd think, right? I walk with a walker, and at an extended family's member's wedding this past August, I was seated at one of the tables FURTHEST from the bathrooms... in a darkened corner, by the cake. I understand the bride did not want us there (bad blood between the groom's Aunt, who is my PCA, and herself) but she should have had SOME consideration for this situation.

psychbabe314 · November 2013

I prefer assigned seating when I got to a wedding. I have only been to two, but it made it much easier instead of walking around and trying to find a seat when you don't know anyone but the bride and her immediate family (mother, sister, father, brother). When I get married, I have a feeling that assigned seats will be necessary because of family feuds.

@HaileyDancinygbear - I get that everyone should get over family drama and act like adults, but that doesn't mean they will. The last family reunion ended in a screaming match in a public place. I have a feeling that assigned tables will be necessary for me. It is nice that you don't need one :-)

djbarman · November 2013

Can I ask why "never mixing the sides" is such an accomplishment? I feel like if my extended family is ever going to get to know my FI's family, what better place than a fun wedding to bring them together? I like most people's strategies of starting with family, seating who gets along, etc then working out to friends but why not intermingle the same age cohorts / interest groups amongst the families? For example, FI has cousins who play HS football or sports, I have cousins around the similar age with similar interests, why not give them the perfect opportunity to meet and make new friends at your wedding? It seems like keeping the families separated just gives off the family vs. family energy and only stifles their efforts to meet the new family!

kitty8403 · November 2013

clairekundinger said:
I've never been to a wedding with a seating chart and I've never had to stand at a reception. I don't think I we will do assigned tables because it would be so out of place for our social group. I also think that if you're inviting a bunch of people who know each other, assigned tables isn't as big of a deal. I see a lot of people talk about going to weddings where they don't know anyone but the B&G and idk what that would be like!

See to me, assigned tables signal that the hosts remembered you were coming and specifically thought about you, your likes, and your needs. They took time to have a place just for you. We are nowhere near designing a chart yet, but I already have a mental list of people that I would like to see introduced, at least, based on what I know about their interests, hometowns, and so forth. I also have a list of individuals with known disabilities and of families with very young children so we can accommodate them.

However, I am at a bit of a loss. Our venue has lots of room, but we want to keep some space for a dance floor and may still end up with some tables outside, especially if we get a lot of children that swell the numbers. Is it rude to assign (shaded) outdoor tables if we need some extra seating? All the doors would be open, with people moving in and out. Or do we need to scrap the seating chart in this case?

KatWAG · November 2013

StephFC07 said:

I've seen a sign on pintrest that says "As two families are becoming one, we ask that you choose a seat, not a side." I've seen another one that says "Come as you are, Stay as long as you can, We're all family, so no seating plan." I love these two sentiments, and the idea of the money saving for the escort cards and such. Since my wedding really will be mostly family or mutual friends I don't think there's anything wrong with seat yourself.

Another pinterest victim. Not everything needs a cutesy sign. Some things you can just figure out on your own.

lisaer · November 2013

I've been to three weddings-- two with assigned and one without. One of the assigned weddings was fine (I was placed with a group of people from our church), but the other was horribly awkward. At the second wedding my fiance was a groomsman, and the only people I knew at the wedding were the bride, groom, and several of the groom's friends. Because I went to high school in the same town as the bride and groom, I ended up getting seated with people who were the younger siblings of classmates I vaguely knew in high school. It was super awkward and really difficult to make small talk with them all evening.

I'm leaning towards open seating myself. One of the venues we're considering is a restaurant that wouldn't work well with assigned tables, and the other one we'd have the option, but I'm still considering letting everyone sit where they want. Our wedding will be a family reunion of sorts (both the groom and I have large extended families), and I want everyone to feel comfortable moving between tables to talk to people they haven't seen in a while.

The wedding is going to have more of a cocktail party feel to it anyway versus the big dance party so I think the free seating fits more with the relaxed vibe we have going.

STARMOON44 · November 2013

kitty8403 said:

clairekundinger said:

However, I am at a bit of a loss. Our venue has lots of room, but we want to keep some space for a dance floor and may still end up with some tables outside, especially if we get a lot of children that swell the numbers. Is it rude to assign (shaded) outdoor tables if we need some extra seating? All the doors would be open, with people moving in and out. Or do we need to scrap the seating chart in this case?
It's rude to not seat everyone in the main room. It's also rude to have open seating where some people will have to wind up sitting outside. Either invite fewer people or move things like the bar or buffet outside to make room. If you can't fit them, you can't invite them.

tammym1001 · November 2013

I went to a wedding a few weeks ago. The B&G assigned tables for their family and everyone else was on their own. I didn't know the bride at all and the groom is my friend, but he moved away awhile ago so I really only knew his family there. Since they had assigned tables I couldn't sit with them. I ended up at a table outside with people I had never met before. We made small talk, but it was uncomfortable and they left early so then I had nobody to sit with. They made sure to assign tables for their family so they could sit inside and didn't worry about people being stuck outside. They left the doors open so we could hear, but we couldn't see anything that happened. This was a terrible plan, so please either assign all the tables or don't assign any at all.

banana468 · November 2013

STARMOON44 said:

kitty8403 said:

clairekundinger said:

However, I am at a bit of a loss. Our venue has lots of room, but we want to keep some space for a dance floor and may still end up with some tables outside, especially if we get a lot of children that swell the numbers. Is it rude to assign (shaded) outdoor tables if we need some extra seating? All the doors would be open, with people moving in and out. Or do we need to scrap the seating chart in

It's rude to not seat everyone in the main room. It's also rude to have open seating where some people will have to wind up sitting outside. Either invite fewer people or move things like the bar or buffet outside to make room. If you can't fit them, you can't invite them.
It's not rude to seat people amongst the rooms in the venue. I will agree that people shouldn't be seated outside but plenty of mansions that host weddings have guests throughout the home. NBD.

STARMOON44 · November 2013

Throughout the venue in various rooms, fine but I don't love it. One main room with a few tables outside, not okay.

kitty8403 · November 2013

STARMOON44 said:
Throughout the venue in various rooms, fine but I don't love it. One main room with a few tables outside, not okay.

I guess I should explain that we are having a primarily outdoor event. We already rejected one venue because it was going to put people in completely different rooms. As a courtesy to guests, we rented a building where we plan to put out food, set up the bar and dance floor, and let people use restrooms. It'll be open for people to come and go. We'll also have reception activities taking place on the grounds. The original intent was to have the building for emergency shelter, and to keep food and such protected. But since some folks may not want to eat outside, we thought maybe they'd like to have the option of being indoors. So we want to allow for indoor tables as well. I suppose when you spell it out that way, assigned seating just does not work.

kmmssg · November 2013

djbarman said:

Can I ask why "never mixing the sides" is such an accomplishment? I feel like if my extended family is ever going to get to know my FI's family, what better place than a fun wedding to bring them together? I like most people's strategies of starting with family, seating who gets along, etc then working out to friends but why not intermingle the same age cohorts / interest groups amongst the families? For example, FI has cousins who play HS football or sports, I have cousins around the similar age with similar interests, why not give them the perfect opportunity to meet and make new friends at your wedding? It seems like keeping the families separated just gives off the family vs. family energy and only stifles their efforts to meet the new family!

This is the answer I gave to someone else who asked me this question. (Bottom line up front though - the two sides don't CARE about getting to know each other - they won't be seeing each other again unless you are parents/siblings of the bride and groom. These people are only coming together for your wedding, not for life).

" I guess I feel strongly about sitting my guests with people they know and are comfortable with. I have been on the knot for 9 years now (have had 3 DDs marry in that time and my 4th is engaged to be married next Summer) and have seen complaints about being seated in an awkward position by mixing sides.

The two sides of the families have no interest in striking up long lasting friendships. I don't believe most of them really care at all about meeting each other as they won't be interacting after the reception. I always really enjoy going to our family weddings and sitting with the relatives I enjoy (but might not see often), I could care less about the other side's Wierd Uncle Harold, etc.

I guess I feel like it is sitting strangers together and telling them to have mandatory fun when they have no interest in each other and they most likely won't see each other again.

Our DDs' weddings (and those of my nieces and nephews) have been such a special time for our family. I would have been kind of sad to be sitting with my niece's new husbands family members when I could have been enjoying a nice dinner with the relatives I really like and don't see very often."

tisbrooklyn · November 2013

We are doing assigned tables, but wherever the person wants to sit at that table. Having been to a few weddings recently while engaged I've been paying more attention to how the couple's guests act. It's usually awkward when there is open seating because you don't know everyone that is there and not sure where to sit and if your last in, the seating is limited. By having assigned tables at least people know where to go and will help make this part of the reception go smoother and get everyone seated quickly. No one is standing looking around wondering where the best place to sit is. As someone has already said before, everyone has that re-assurance that they will have aplace to sit and with people they may know.

crystalpropes · November 2013

We were going to do assigned tables, but it is a huge issue when you have a table with 1 seat left, and only couples left. I don't want to have a whole extra table for two people. So we are having an alternative. The first 3 tables are "reserved" for family and then the other guests can sit with who they choose, since we are not sure which of our friends would want to sit together from college (they all know one another, but we don't know who they'd rather sit with)

Jen4948 · November 2013

crystalpropes said:

We were going to do assigned tables, but it is a huge issue when you have a table with 1 seat left, and only couples left. I don't want to have a whole extra table for two people. So we are having an alternative. The first 3 tables are "reserved" for family and then the other guests can sit with who they choose, since we are not sure which of our friends would want to sit together from college (they all know one another, but we don't know who they'd rather sit with)

If you're not sure which of your friends from college would want to sit together, what makes you think they know who they would want to sit with either, if they don't know anyone else there?

I don't agree with your "solution" because it doesn't seem like a solution. Make sure everyone has a place to sit that no one else is going to steal from them while they are away from the table.

arrippa · November 2013

I am heading to a wedding in two days that will not have assigned seating. I am not gonna lie, I am a little nervous since FI can't go and I only know a few people at the wedding. I suffer from social anxiety so the thought of sitting with strangers making small talk is freaking me out.

knoellec · November 2013

Filling out a seating chart for our wedding is a terrifying idea to me because there is So much bad blood in our families, but I refuse to elope. So I will explain on the wedding website that people will seat themselves because I can't afford 10% more seating.

Jen4948 · November 2013

knoellec said:

Filling out a seating chart for our wedding is a terrifying idea to me because there is So much bad blood in our families, but I refuse to elope. So I will explain on the wedding website that people will seat themselves because I can't afford 10% more seating.

You'll probably get a lot of grief for not being willing to take the time to make sure the people with bad blood are not seated near each other.

tammym1001 · November 2013

knoellec said:

Filling out a seating chart for our wedding is a terrifying idea to me because there is So much bad blood in our families, but I refuse to elope. So I will explain on the wedding website that people will seat themselves because I can't afford 10% more seating.

If you are going to have exactly the number of seats as guests because you can't afford 10% more seating and you are going to let everyone seat themselves you are going to have some serious problems. There are going to be tables that only have one seat left or spaces that people leave and you're going to end up with couples having to be split up or people wandering without anywhere to sit, especially if you have families coming. What if a family with a few kids comes in after everyone and there are only tables left with two or three seats left?

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

knoellec said:

Filling out a seating chart for our wedding is a terrifying idea to me because there is So much bad blood in our families, but I refuse to elope. So I will explain on the wedding website that people will seat themselves because I can't afford 10% more seating.

As someone who did open seating, I have to recommend that you either provide 10% more seating or suck it up and do a seating chart.

At our wedding, the 10-15% extra was perfect because (as expected) people did leave space between and not completely fill out tables. It's going to happen at your wedding and it's even more awkward if people with bad blood can't find a seat away from each other.

JoanE2012 · November 2013

knoellec said:

Filling out a seating chart for our wedding is a terrifying idea to me because there is So much bad blood in our families, but I refuse to elope. So I will explain on the wedding website that people will seat themselves because I can't afford 10% more seating.

You really need to have at least 10% more seating. If you can't afford it, just take the time and do seating by tables. You are setting yourself up for disaster if you don't do one of those 2 options.

StephFC07 · November 2013

KatWAG said:

StephFC07 said:

I've seen a sign on pintrest that says "As two families are becoming one, we ask that you choose a seat, not a side." I've seen another one that says "Come as you are, Stay as long as you can, We're all family, so no seating plan." I love these two sentiments, and the idea of the money saving for the escort cards and such. Since my wedding really will be mostly family or mutual friends I don't think there's anything wrong with seat yourself.

Another pinterest victim. Not everything needs a cutesy sign. Some things you can just figure out on your own.

I didn't say I was going to use a "cutesy" sign or that everything needs it, simply that I appreciate the sentiment. Frankly, I'm completely overwhelmed with the concept of wedding planning and I'm trying to draw inspiration. I've tried asking for help and advice and it just makes it harder. I'm not used to trying to do something that directs the attention to myself, as I'm the older sister of triplets with autism. I'm so glad you think I can't figure things out on my own though. I guess you're kind of right.

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