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Do I really have to go?! (kind of a rant)

JustNickiJustNicki member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Okay.  FI's mom's cousin's daughter (FI's second cousin?) was married last June.  The wedding was an insulting disaster-- PPD, tiered, huge gap, cash bar (you can read the whole story on the worst wedding thread: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/6983047/#Comment_6983047).  It's been just under 5 months, and we still haven't received a thank you note for the gift we sent them.  I know they received it because the store at which they registered notified me once the package was shipped AND received.  

Another thing about the whole thing that really put me off was her shower.  I attended her shower and brought a nice gift (which I also have not received a thank you for, and I obviously know she received that one) even though I had never met her before.  My FMIL was one of the hostesses of the event and invited me so I felt it would be a good gesture to attend.  The only people I knew were FMIL and a couple of FI's aunts.  Anyway, only one of the bridesmaids was there and she had her 2 year old with her so she couldn't help out.  Somehow, there wasn't anyone to help hand the bride all of the gifts and open all of the card envelopes to speed things along.  The bride put me on the spot in front of everyone there and said, "Oh, Nicki can do it.  It'll be good practice for when it's her shower!"  I felt like it would be awkward or rude to say no so I just did it, but I felt like it was inappropriate of her to volunteer me like that.  I spent the whole gift-opening part of the shower getting trash handed to me and literally getting yelled by the bride's mom to save the ribbons for her rehearsal bouquet.  

Well, fast forward to present day.  I got an invitation in the mail to this girl's baby shower.  And guess what-- she's hosting it herself. And it's co-ed. Also, the baby isn't due until the end of March.  I don't know much about baby shower etiquette, but I'm pretty sure it's not normal to have a shower when you're only 4 months pregnant.  I really don't want to attend, but FI is insisting that we go since she's family and because FMIL and FBIL will be there.  We got into an argument about it last night, but I really don't think I'm being unreasonable.
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Re: Do I really have to go?! (kind of a rant)

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    banana468banana468 member
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    I'd be annoyed too but you need to pick and choose n your battles.

    Luckily baby stuff can be inexpensive so you don't need to spend a lot on a gift.
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    Teddy917Teddy917 member
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    The fact that it's coed doesn't matter nor how far along she is. She definitely shouldn't host it herself, though. If Fi wants to go, let him go. If you're uncomfortable, don't go. It's simple. You don't both have to go.
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    JustNickiJustNicki member
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    kmmssg said:
     (You might want to put your writing arm in a brace or something so you don't get stuck with gift card detail again.)

    (Can you tell it is gloomy and rainy here and I am kinda pissy today?)
    Good idea lol.  It's a shitty day here too so I know how you feel.

    I guess I was surprised FI wanted to go at all.  He's always made comments in the past about how my life sucked every time I was headed off to a shower and that it sounded like the most boring thing in the world.  Maybe it is because she's family, but before the wedding, the last time he had talked with her was 2 years ago.

    You might be right about sucking it up and going.  And yes, of course I'll share any gory details.
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    itzMSitzMS member
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    There's nothing wrong with a co-ed shower or having it anytime during the 2nd or 3rd trimester.

    It's FI's family, so it's his choice as to attendance and gift. He can purchase a small gift and card from his paycheck :-) NBD.
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    AprilH81AprilH81 member
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    No one HAS to attend anything.

    If it was me I would skip it and send a token gift, since it is co-ed and FI wants to go I would try to suck it up and attend.  I like PP suggestion that FI be in charge of the gift and card...  lol  Maybe that will get him to change his mind.

    Regardless, I would not spend a lot of money on the gift...

    photo composite_14153800476219.jpg
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    JustNicki said:
    Okay.  FI's mom's cousin's daughter (FI's second cousin?) was married last June.  The wedding was an insulting disaster-- PPD, tiered, huge gap, cash bar (you can read the whole story on the worst wedding thread: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/6983047/#Comment_6983047).  It's been just under 5 months, and we still haven't received a thank you note for the gift we sent them.  I know they received it because the store at which they registered notified me once the package was shipped AND received.  

    Another thing about the whole thing that really put me off was her shower.  I attended her shower and brought a nice gift (which I also have not received a thank you for, and I obviously know she received that one) even though I had never met her before.  My FMIL was one of the hostesses of the event and invited me so I felt it would be a good gesture to attend.  The only people I knew were FMIL and a couple of FI's aunts.  Anyway, only one of the bridesmaids was there and she had her 2 year old with her so she couldn't help out.  Somehow, there wasn't anyone to help hand the bride all of the gifts and open all of the card envelopes to speed things along.  The bride put me on the spot in front of everyone there and said, "Oh, Nicki can do it.  It'll be good practice for when it's her shower!"  I felt like it would be awkward or rude to say no so I just did it, but I felt like it was inappropriate of her to volunteer me like that.  I spent the whole gift-opening part of the shower getting trash handed to me and literally getting yelled by the bride's mom to save the ribbons for her rehearsal bouquet.  

    Well, fast forward to present day.  I got an invitation in the mail to this girl's baby shower.  And guess what-- she's hosting it herself. And it's co-ed. Also, the baby isn't due until the end of March.  I don't know much about baby shower etiquette, but I'm pretty sure it's not normal to have a shower when you're only 4 months pregnant.  I really don't want to attend, but FI is insisting that we go since she's family and because FMIL and FBIL will be there.  We got into an argument about it last night, but I really don't think I'm being unreasonable.


    Tell your FI he can attend himself if its so important.  Go visit your parents that day, take care of a lot of wedding tasks, etc. 

    I also agree with kmmssg, that if you do go, FI needs to do everything leading up to the event.  And when gifts start to open, then I would go hang out in the kitchen or anywhere away fro the opening, so you don't get stuck helping.

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    JustNickiJustNicki member
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    Blah. Yeah, I suppose I am being kind of a baby about it.  I'm just grumpy.  

    Thanks for clearing stuff up about baby showers.  I've only ever been to one and it was at work.
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    photokittyphotokitty mod
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    If FI wants to go I think you pretty much have to go since it's a co-ed shower. 
    Sorry, than sucks! 
    Get her all the embarrassing stuff on the registry (or even if it's not) - nipple pads, stretch-mark cream, is there an orthopedic cankle shoe you can get???
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    zitiqueen said:
    Are you feeling okay? I think you're coming down with something... that's going to hit you full-force the morning of the shower. Too bad your FI will just have to go by himself.
    Yes, I have heard there's something going around. *cough cough*
    *********************************************************************************

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    MadHops21MadHops21 member
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    I feel like the bad weather is making everyone here a sarcastic funny lady. @zitiqueen is true, colder weather tends to make people sick....
    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 
    Funny Awkward animated GIF
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    JustNickiJustNicki member
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    southernbelle0915 said:
    zitiqueen said:
    Are you feeling okay? I think you're coming down with something... that's going to hit you full-force the morning of the shower. Too bad your FI will just have to go by himself.
    Yes, I have heard there's something going around. *cough cough*
    Back to the old Ferris Bueller technique.
    Even if I were sick....
    image
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    misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
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    No freaking way. Many women around here stick to a guideline if they didn't a thank you for the wedding, they don't do gifts for baby. Maybe send a small gift with FMIL to soften the blow, but I would have plans that day for sure. 
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    I would tell FI sorry but that you aren't going to go.  It is his family and if he wishes to go and purchase a gift with his own money then he is welcome to but in no way do you have to go as well. And I think it is rather rude of your FI to try and force you to go.  Just because it is a family event does not mean that you both always have to go.  H's family sometimes has get togethers that H goes to and I don't.  That doesn't make me a bad wife, it just means that sometimes I don't feel like leaving my house...and that goes both ways as well.

    I also agree with you that I think it is odd to have a baby shower this early on in the pregnancy.  From all the one's that I have been to the Mom-to-be is usually about 7 months along.

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    JustNicki said:
    southernbelle0915 said:
    zitiqueen said:
    Are you feeling okay? I think you're coming down with something... that's going to hit you full-force the morning of the shower. Too bad your FI will just have to go by himself.
    Yes, I have heard there's something going around. *cough cough*
    Back to the old Ferris Bueller technique.
    Even if I were sick....
    image
    Yeah, it's catching.
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    Teddy917Teddy917 member
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    photokitty said:

    If FI wants to go I think you pretty much have to go since it's a co-ed shower. 

    Sorry, than sucks! 
    Get her all the embarrassing stuff on the registry (or even if it's not) - nipple pads, stretch-mark cream, is there an orthopedic cankle shoe you can get???
    The fact that it's coed doesn't mean that she has to go. It just means that men can come too. It doesn't mean that both of the couple have to come.
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    annathy03annathy03 member
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    I wouldn't go or send anything after how rude they were to you at her wedding shower, nevermind the lack of thank you notes.  If your FI wants to go he can get a gift and go, it's not like you're siamese twins.  I might make an exception if it was his sister to avoid drama (and even then I might catch what Ferris Bueller had), but for his mom's cousin's kid?

    image
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    cruffinocruffino member
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    yeaaahhhh, no. i would send a token gift and call it a wrap. luckily my FI would put out his eye before he'd want to go to a baby shower. 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    AprilH81 said:

    No one HAS to attend anything.

    If it was me I would skip it and send a token gift, since it is co-ed and FI wants to go I would try to suck it up and attend.  I like PP suggestion that FI be in charge of the gift and card...  lol  Maybe that will get him to change his mind.

    Regardless, I would not spend a lot of money on the gift...

    Ditto! Hopefully you'll have a good story to tell us after :-P
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    cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
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    Personally after the bridal shower call-out the and the lack of thank you cards for two different events I would not be giving very much to this woman at all...oh wait she is hosting her own baby shower...nevermind I wouldn't get her anything.  If FI is the one who wants to get somrthing and go I would let him do it, but I would either get sick that day or just decline outright.  (Depending on your personally feelings I will let you decide which)

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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    Just tell them:

    image
    *********************************************************************************

    image
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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
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    I wouldn't go nor would I send a gift. If its that important to FI, let him deal with the whole thing.
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    photokittyphotokitty mod
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    Teddy917 said:
    If FI wants to go I think you pretty much have to go since it's a co-ed shower. 
    Sorry, than sucks! 
    Get her all the embarrassing stuff on the registry (or even if it's not) - nipple pads, stretch-mark cream, is there an orthopedic cankle shoe you can get???
    The fact that it's coed doesn't mean that she has to go. It just means that men can come too. It doesn't mean that both of the couple have to come.
    She doesn't have to go, but you have to choose your battles and compromise. If he wants to go and wants her to go then they need to work it out between themselves. Families are complicated and you have to consider how it looks if one goes and not the other - my family side eyes this, big time. If this was not a family member I would not feel obligated, but if it was me in this situation I would feel I had to go bc my SO wanted to. But that's how I'd handle it.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    photokitty said:


    Teddy917 said:

    photokitty said:

    If FI wants to go I think you pretty much have to go since it's a co-ed shower. 

    Sorry, than sucks! 
    Get her all the embarrassing stuff on the registry (or even if it's not) - nipple pads, stretch-mark cream, is there an orthopedic cankle shoe you can get???
    The fact that it's coed doesn't mean that she has to go. It just means that men can come too. It doesn't mean that both of the couple have to come.

    She doesn't have to go, but you have to choose your battles and compromise. If he wants to go and wants her to go then they need to work it out between themselves. Families are complicated and you have to consider how it looks if one goes and not the other - my family side eyes this, big time. If this was not a family member I would not feel obligated, but if it was me in this situation I would feel I had to go bc my SO wanted to. But that's how I'd handle it.

    And my family side-eyes the shit out of people not sending thank-you notes. There is nothing complicated about people not wanting to go to events hosted by ingrates.

    OP, I would tell your FI, 'I'm sorry, but after the way I was treated at her shower and the lack of thank-you notes, I have less than zero interest in attending anything involving this girl.' And I'd reiterate that to FMIL.

    Does she know that you didn't get a thank-you note? If she does, what does she think? And how close is she to this cousin's mother that she could say, 'We're concerned over the lack of gratitude previously displayed?'

    I would not go and I wouldn't send any kind of gift. Actions have consequences an the consequence of being an ingrate is that people don't buy you thinks.

    Alternatively, I'd buy her a Miss Manners book.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    photokittyphotokitty mod
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    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    Teddy917 said:
    If FI wants to go I think you pretty much have to go since it's a co-ed shower. 
    Sorry, than sucks! 
    Get her all the embarrassing stuff on the registry (or even if it's not) - nipple pads, stretch-mark cream, is there an orthopedic cankle shoe you can get???
    The fact that it's coed doesn't mean that she has to go. It just means that men can come too. It doesn't mean that both of the couple have to come.
    She doesn't have to go, but you have to choose your battles and compromise. If he wants to go and wants her to go then they need to work it out between themselves. Families are complicated and you have to consider how it looks if one goes and not the other - my family side eyes this, big time. If this was not a family member I would not feel obligated, but if it was me in this situation I would feel I had to go bc my SO wanted to. But that's how I'd handle it.
    And my family side-eyes the shit out of people not sending thank-you notes. There is nothing complicated about people not wanting to go to events hosted by ingrates. OP, I would tell your FI, 'I'm sorry, but after the way I was treated at her shower and the lack of thank-you notes, I have less than zero interest in attending anything involving this girl.' And I'd reiterate that to FMIL. Does she know that you didn't get a thank-you note? If she does, what does she think? And how close is she to this cousin's mother that she could say, 'We're concerned over the lack of gratitude previously displayed?' I would not go and I wouldn't send any kind of gift. Actions have consequences an the consequence of being an ingrate is that people don't buy you thinks. Alternatively, I'd buy her a Miss Manners book.
    The bold - So does mine.
    If she doesn't want to go she she doesn't have to go. But if my husband asked me to suck it up and go - I would, even though she hadn't sent a thank you note and was rude and mean...but that's me. That's my advice and I'm sticking with it. But I would not think less of anyone who opted not to go. At the same time - This chick is family for life, and that does make it complicated IMHO. Even if the chick is an ingrate, she's still family.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    photokitty said:
    Teddy917 said:
    If FI wants to go I think you pretty much have to go since it's a co-ed shower. 
    Sorry, than sucks! 
    Get her all the embarrassing stuff on the registry (or even if it's not) - nipple pads, stretch-mark cream, is there an orthopedic cankle shoe you can get???
    The fact that it's coed doesn't mean that she has to go. It just means that men can come too. It doesn't mean that both of the couple have to come.
    She doesn't have to go, but you have to choose your battles and compromise. If he wants to go and wants her to go then they need to work it out between themselves. Families are complicated and you have to consider how it looks if one goes and not the other - my family side eyes this, big time. If this was not a family member I would not feel obligated, but if it was me in this situation I would feel I had to go bc my SO wanted to. But that's how I'd handle it.
    They are only complicated if people let them be, by engaging in dysfunctional dynamics and drama. 

    In a situation like this, where the person in question is a distant relative (2nd or 3rd cousin) that OP's FI is not even close to, and she is rude to boot, who cares if anyone from his family takes issue with OP's absence or side eyes it?  That judgement really has no bearing on her life and relationship with FI and his immediate family, unless she lets it.  OP can ignore any drama.  I know that sounds easier said than done, but you can do it if you want to.

    OP's FMIL and FBIL attending isn't a good reason to go, either.  There will be plenty of other events where these two will be present that don't involve OP having to buy a gift, that OP can attend and spend time with them.  Again, it doesn't sound like she or her FI are close with the guest of honor, and since she is pretty rude, why bother going since OP really doesn't want to.

    If this baby shower is so important to FI, he should get a gift and attend, and if anyone asks where OP is he should just gracefully say that she is sorry but she couldn't make it.  If they press the issue he can tell them she was afraid she would be made to help unwrap gifts again!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    kitty8403kitty8403 member
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    edited November 2013
    photokitty said: HisGirlFriday13 said: Teddy917 said: If FI wants to go I think you pretty much have to go since it's a co-ed shower. Sorry, than sucks! Get her all the embarrassing stuff on the registry (or even if it's not) - nipple pads, stretch-mark cream, is there an orthopedic cankle shoe you can get??? The fact that it's coed doesn't mean that she has to go. It just means that men can come too. It doesn't mean that both of the couple have to come. She doesn't have to go, but you have to choose your battles and compromise. If he wants to go and wants her to go then they need to work it out between themselves. Families are complicated and you have to consider how it looks if one goes and not the other - my family side eyes this, big time. If this was not a family member I would not feel obligated, but if it was me in this situation I would feel I had to go bc my SO wanted to. But that's how I'd handle it. And my family side-eyes the shit out of people not sending thank-you notes. There is nothing complicated about people not wanting to go to events hosted by ingrates. OP, I would tell your FI, 'I'm sorry, but after the way I was treated at her shower and the lack of thank-you notes, I have less than zero interest in attending anything involving this girl.' And I'd reiterate that to FMIL. Does she know that you didn't get a thank-you note? If she does, what does she think? And how close is she to this cousin's mother that she could say, 'We're concerned over the lack of gratitude previously displayed?' I would not go and I wouldn't send any kind of gift. Actions have consequences an the consequence of being an ingrate is that people don't buy you thinks. Alternatively, I'd buy her a Miss Manners book. The bold - So does mine.If she doesn't want to go she she doesn't have to go. But if my husband asked me to suck it up and go - I would, even though she hadn't sent a thank you note and was rude and mean...but that's me. That's my advice and I'm sticking with it. But I would not think less of anyone who opted not to go. At the same time - This chick is family for life, and that does make it complicated IMHO. Even if the chick is an ingrate, she's still family.
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